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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband messaging SIL

60 replies

silvergirl85 · 25/09/2017 22:28

My husband is close with his brothers wife, this has been the case for many years, long before I came on the scene. I’ve always known this and been ok with it, they would have nights of them 2 going out for drinks etc as they are good friends. However recently they’ve been messaging daily, I haven’t been looking at his phone, but when we are sitting together her name flashes up several times...nothing inappropriate as far as I’m aware. AIBU to think this is a bit weird?

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 26/09/2017 07:21

What concerns me from your post is the change in frequency of these texts. That would worry me. Several rimes seems a lot to me.

WhaT do they talk about? Are they heading towards an emotional,relationship?

I would definantly have a sneak view at his phone, if nothing else, to put my mind at rest.

AtHomeDadGlos · 26/09/2017 07:24

I think they're having an affair.

guilty100 · 26/09/2017 07:30

I don't think it's necessarily weird. I have more contact with my BIL than DH does, and we get along really well. There's nothing going on between us, though - BIL is gay!!

Talk to your DH, though, if this is bothering you. Or take a sneaky peek at the phone?

nanimobars · 26/09/2017 11:36

Not sure if it's the same but my DH regularly talks and texts my younger sister. They are very close and get on very well. I've never thought it was weird, but I don't have the same relationship to my DH brother. My sister is really fun girl so I can see why he likes her so much.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 26/09/2017 11:39

I'm another who thinks it's odd. It would be more normal if he told you what she was saying in the texts, or if you had a family WhatsApp. This is like being cheated on in plain sight.

mumto2two · 26/09/2017 12:38

Sorry, I also think this is odd. I've always got on well with my BIL, but not to the extent of texting every day, let alone 30 times a day!
I'm afraid I'd be wanting to know what warrants that level of contact. Have you actually seen any of these messages?

Mittens1969 · 26/09/2017 12:57

I think it sounds a bit childish more than anything else. Hmm

KimmySchmidt1 · 26/09/2017 13:01

you're entitled to tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable and left out (try to do so without losing the plot) and ask him why he texts her more than he texts you.

Communication is healthy in a relationship, and if you dont ask, you dont get.

Floralnomad · 26/09/2017 13:08

I don't think there is anything particularly wrong with it unless he is unwilling to let you see the messages etc or being secretive . My dh has a sibling type relationship with one of my sisters ( she's my best friend ) they've been on holiday together with our dc at various times and he goes over on a weekend to do her gardening and diy - last night they went to IKEA and Costco - they are definitely not having an affair.

CatsAreFromOuterSpace · 26/09/2017 13:11

I am very good friends with my husbands best friend. That is all it is and we text quite a bit

Bluntness100 · 26/09/2017 13:21

I find it a bit weird too. They are not siblings and siblings seldom even text this much as adults. I can’t imagine texting my husbands brother all the time, and we are close, socialise and have known him nearly thirty years.

And the thirty to forty times a day every day sounds a bit claustrophobic. Is he married? Does his wife not think it strange?..

haveacupoftea · 26/09/2017 13:28

It's weird, I'd read the messages.

TwoKidsAndCounting · 26/09/2017 13:30

I message my BIL more than my sister, not wierd at all and all very innocent

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 26/09/2017 13:33

That's a bit weird imo, but the reason I would be concerned is that suddenly it seems they're messaging more. Like something has changed between them?

Original poster
silvergirl85 · 26/09/2017 15:32

I asked him in a casual sort of way what they were messaging so much about and he showed me, it’s pretty much all links to funny things and humour that they like. Honestly it’s not my type of thing, childish stuff which doesn’t interest me. So essentially it’s a conversation which just goes on and on. I 100% trust my husband, it’s my SIL I would be more concerned about, she and her DH (my husbands brother) don’t have a great marriage and I know she feels she can be more honest with my husband, whereas hers would fly off the handle. Obviously my DH knows what his brother is like and has an understanding of what she has to live with, I think this makes them close too. She would vent to my DH quite a lot

OP posts:
Jux · 26/09/2017 15:49

I'm glad it all looks normal. I completely understand the messaging funny things etc as I do it with dd and sometimes dd's boyfriend - dh doesn't really find the same things funny or even interesting, so I sometimes include him just because.

BenLui · 26/09/2017 15:54

I can’t get past Gemma regularly texting her family and friends hundreds of texts a day! ShockGrin

How do you get anything else done? —don’t your thumbs get tired?—

Leavingonajet · 26/09/2017 15:57

I get on well with one of my BIL's I will text him sometimes and not text my dsis, other times I will text her. My DH will also contact my dsis sometimes. It is nothing like the frequency you are talking about but it is all totally above board, I really do feel like he is another brother and I have no doubts at all about my DH and dsis.

TieGrr · 26/09/2017 16:13

She would vent to my DH quite a lot

This bit would make me uncomfortable.

Original poster
silvergirl85 · 26/09/2017 16:15

TieGrr why would it make you uncomfortable?

OP posts:
Lovingmybear2 · 26/09/2017 16:18

Op I think it sounds a bit worrying to be honest especially that you say she can vent at your dh about his brother.

I don't think that's healthy. Or on.

I wouldn't like it for that reason and got to say I wouldn't be texting another bloke more than My dh.

Lovingmybear2 · 26/09/2017 16:19

It would make me uncomfortable as she doesn't have a good marriage to your bil.

Sounds like an EA to me

TieGrr · 26/09/2017 16:24

why would it make you uncomfortable?

It's something I've seen a few times - if one person in a relationship is confiding in someone outside the relationship, feelings can develop. It's not limited to one side either. I've seen the person in the relationship develop feelings for the person who 'understands' them, I've seen the person not in the relationship develop feelings for the person they think they can save, and I've seen mutual feelings develop. Every time it's ended in tears.

PlatformNineAndThreeQuarters · 26/09/2017 16:24

I wouldn't want to put doubts in someone's mind if there doesn't need to be any but what you said in your update doesn't really explain or excuse anything, op

He knows you're interested in the texts and has had time to think up an answer now. If it was all so innocent as humour why did he ignore you the first time you asked. Even if it is nothing for now you already know she's in a less good marriage and is close to your husband and I would just be mindful of that from now on. I hope it resolves and nothing else comes of it but I'd be vigilant if it was me

balsamicbarbara · 26/09/2017 19:33

That does sound a bit odd. Often in situations like this the woman may think it's platonic but the man is getting some kick from it. Men have to really work hard to keep relationships with attractive women platonic imho.

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