Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

1 2 3

AIBU?

Husband messaging SIL

60 replies

silvergirl85 · 25/09/2017 22:28

My husband is close with his brothers wife, this has been the case for many years, long before I came on the scene. I’ve always known this and been ok with it, they would have nights of them 2 going out for drinks etc as they are good friends. However recently they’ve been messaging daily, I haven’t been looking at his phone, but when we are sitting together her name flashes up several times...nothing inappropriate as far as I’m aware. AIBU to think this is a bit weird?

OP posts:

Report

PlatformNineAndThreeQuarters · 27/09/2017 17:15

Honestly you're not being over sensitive or over reacting. You're an intelligent woman who can see what is in front of her and I hope he doesn't show you any more contempt than he already has. Some of the examples on this thread are not the same situation at all as what you're describing but what TieGrr explained is bang on.

Now your husband knows you're not ok about what's happening he should respect you enough to stop it, if he doesn't then he doesn't deserve you.

CatsAreFromOuterSpace · 27/09/2017 15:20

Ploppie I am the same - text friends more than husband

HeebieJeebies456 · 27/09/2017 14:02

*intruding...to this extent

HeebieJeebies456 · 27/09/2017 14:00

Does he text/see his other friends the same?
If not, then having this much contact with sil - given the dynamics- is rather unhealthy imo.

The boundary lines have become blurred over time and he should re-asess them.
What happens if his brother's marriage fails and they divorce?
Where will his friendship/relationship with sil, and his db, stand then?

I'd be pissed off if my oh was texting/giving headspace/emotional energy to someone else and it was intruding into our personal/private time.
She may as well be living with you given the space their friendship takes up

Your feelings should matter to him, op.
No one's relationship is 100% perfect,so why can't he give you and your relationship the same kind of attention?

Hayesking · 27/09/2017 13:26

I text my husband's brother 30-40 times a day!

I can't imagine texting anyone that often. That would seriously piss my off if I was your SIL

silvergirl85 · 27/09/2017 13:23

Yes platform that’s exactly how it feels, he sees absolutely nothing wrong with it therefore I feel like I’m being over sensitive and over reacting for no reason.

OP posts:

PlatformNineAndThreeQuarters · 27/09/2017 12:14

I guess people involved in this kind of thing themselves can't see how or why it looks out the ordinary to those who are on the sidelines or how it can hurt. It's not someone being over sensitive it's someone not wanting to be taken for a mug

Ploppie4 · 27/09/2017 08:12

I text my friends more then my DH.

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 27/09/2017 08:09

I wouldn't worry OP, it sounds fine, they're friends and maybe feel like brother and sister.

If you 100% trust your DH like you say you do, don't go bunny boiler on him and act like you don't trust him.

If it helps, when Walking Dead season is upon us, I text my friend's DH more than I text my own, as we have discussions about the TV show. It's never occurred to me that it might look weird.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 27/09/2017 07:55

Tbh I would be even more concerned with your update. Little in-jokes she understands me along with confiding in and venting to your DH about her problems, including her marital ones... Hmm.

balsamicbarbara · 26/09/2017 19:33

That does sound a bit odd. Often in situations like this the woman may think it's platonic but the man is getting some kick from it. Men have to really work hard to keep relationships with attractive women platonic imho.

PlatformNineAndThreeQuarters · 26/09/2017 16:24

I wouldn't want to put doubts in someone's mind if there doesn't need to be any but what you said in your update doesn't really explain or excuse anything, op

He knows you're interested in the texts and has had time to think up an answer now. If it was all so innocent as humour why did he ignore you the first time you asked. Even if it is nothing for now you already know she's in a less good marriage and is close to your husband and I would just be mindful of that from now on. I hope it resolves and nothing else comes of it but I'd be vigilant if it was me

TieGrr · 26/09/2017 16:24

why would it make you uncomfortable?

It's something I've seen a few times - if one person in a relationship is confiding in someone outside the relationship, feelings can develop. It's not limited to one side either. I've seen the person in the relationship develop feelings for the person who 'understands' them, I've seen the person not in the relationship develop feelings for the person they think they can save, and I've seen mutual feelings develop. Every time it's ended in tears.

Lovingmybear2 · 26/09/2017 16:19

It would make me uncomfortable as she doesn't have a good marriage to your bil.

Sounds like an EA to me

Lovingmybear2 · 26/09/2017 16:18

Op I think it sounds a bit worrying to be honest especially that you say she can vent at your dh about his brother.

I don't think that's healthy. Or on.

I wouldn't like it for that reason and got to say I wouldn't be texting another bloke more than My dh.

silvergirl85 · 26/09/2017 16:15

TieGrr why would it make you uncomfortable?

OP posts:

TieGrr · 26/09/2017 16:13

She would vent to my DH quite a lot

This bit would make me uncomfortable.

Leavingonajet · 26/09/2017 15:57

I get on well with one of my BIL's I will text him sometimes and not text my dsis, other times I will text her. My DH will also contact my dsis sometimes. It is nothing like the frequency you are talking about but it is all totally above board, I really do feel like he is another brother and I have no doubts at all about my DH and dsis.

BenLui · 26/09/2017 15:54

I can’t get past Gemma regularly texting her family and friends hundreds of texts a day!

How do you get anything else done? —don’t your thumbs get tired?—

Jux · 26/09/2017 15:49

I'm glad it all looks normal. I completely understand the messaging funny things etc as I do it with dd and sometimes dd's boyfriend - dh doesn't really find the same things funny or even interesting, so I sometimes include him just because.

silvergirl85 · 26/09/2017 15:32

I asked him in a casual sort of way what they were messaging so much about and he showed me, it’s pretty much all links to funny things and humour that they like. Honestly it’s not my type of thing, childish stuff which doesn’t interest me. So essentially it’s a conversation which just goes on and on. I 100% trust my husband, it’s my SIL I would be more concerned about, she and her DH (my husbands brother) don’t have a great marriage and I know she feels she can be more honest with my husband, whereas hers would fly off the handle. Obviously my DH knows what his brother is like and has an understanding of what she has to live with, I think this makes them close too. She would vent to my DH quite a lot

OP posts:

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 26/09/2017 13:33

That's a bit weird imo, but the reason I would be concerned is that suddenly it seems they're messaging more. Like something has changed between them?

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

TwoKidsAndCounting · 26/09/2017 13:30

I message my BIL more than my sister, not wierd at all and all very innocent

haveacupoftea · 26/09/2017 13:28

It's weird, I'd read the messages.

Bluntness100 · 26/09/2017 13:21

I find it a bit weird too. They are not siblings and siblings seldom even text this much as adults. I can’t imagine texting my husbands brother all the time, and we are close, socialise and have known him nearly thirty years.

And the thirty to forty times a day every day sounds a bit claustrophobic. Is he married? Does his wife not think it strange?..

Unflip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.