Can anyone relate to this ridiculous mental trait?

[CheeseFiend36]

I'm socially insecure to the point where I analyse a conversation I've had with a stranger and let it play on my mind for days, particularly if there's been awkward silences or if I think I've come across as a bit of a tit.
I wish I could change it about myself. I come across as confident, but inside I feel like an absolutely idiot who pre-plans things to say as much as possible so that people don't think I've got nothing to say (one of my friends said that to me when I was about 18 and it's haunted me ever since). I put so much pressure on myself to say something interesting and can't abide being in a situation where there's silence as I think it's a reflection on just me and my inept social skills. I then end up saying something completely ridiculous to fill the gap and kick myself for days for saying stuff. It feels like a neverending cycle.

Now time for the ridiculous 1st world insignificant event if you were a normal person:
I went to a do on Saturday night, it was one where the company that I work for was invited to. We took one table of 10, which meant 5 employees could attend plus spouses.
There was one particular colleague and his wife. All 10 of us met in the foyer which is where I briefly said hello to her; Apart from that initial greeting we didn't speak for the whole evening as she was sat about 4 places away from me on the table, and the table was too big to speak to the colleagues/spouses on the other side.

A few hours into the event, I went to the toilets. As i was drying my hands and making my way towards the exit, I saw said colleague's wife standing at one of the sinks looking into the mirror. I'd have to walk past her to get to the exit. For a split second I was wondering whether to carry on but decided to stop and sort of said "oh sorry I didn't realise you were here, I'll wait with you and walk back". I felt like if I'd just walked past and she'd seen me, she'd think it was rude, because I was going back to the same table as her. I didn't want her to think I was up my own arse or ignorant.

So for the next minute or so I just stood there like a lemon while she applied her lipstick and brushed her hair. Of course, silences, as no one wants to apply lip gloss with a stranger stood waiting for you, so then I started with my silly time-filling drivel such as about the traffic, the weather, how nice the dinner was etc etc. It was so contrived on my part. We then walked back to the table in complete silence as I couldn't think of anything to say. We didn't say anything to each other again until it was time to leave.

i spoke to my DH about it at home and he said that I should've just walked straight past her and not waited for her. I said "what if she saw me in the mirror, wouldn't she think if it was rude if I just walked straight past without saying anything, or even saying hello but still not waiting when we were going back to the same table", he said no and he said that half of me always feeling like this is because I put myself in unnecessary situations where I have some kind of unjustified and unwarranted need to come across as self assured and pleasant.

He's right isn't he? How can I stop this? I'm fed up of feeling like I have to plan things to say otherwise I'm not interesting or people won't want to know me. I am interesting, I'm funny, but in some social situations I just put ridiculous pressure on myself. Does anyone else do anything remotely similar to this??

I am exactly the same!!!! Really!! Do this ALL the time!!!! except it is getting better!! ... well, I still say silly things at silly moments to ease my anxiety etc... but I'm getting a bit better and analysing myself after! Trying to tell myself it really doesn't matter! and accepting myself for all my silly anxiousness!! feeling for u though! As I so know what this is like!!! (It might help to remind yourself that there's probably loads of other people feeling anxious etc ... too, and everyone's to busy worrying about what they r doing to even notice what u r doing!!)

Just remember that you never look back at conversations and analyse what the other person did/said wrong, so whatever you're stressing over has most likely not even been noticed by the other person, or they've forgotten it.

You're be overthinking it, but what you did is fine. The alternative is what I do, sort of blurty oversharing, blithe and slightly manic. I'm sure 9/10 people I interact with are left but heh, I'm friendly.

I bet she has forgotten this and thought nothing of it at the time.

Yep, constantly. It's absolutely draining.

Constant practicing of conversations, reminding myself to ask about certain things when I see friends, running over old conversations in my head (some from years ago)

It's FUN

You sound awfully hard on yourself.

I am shy and replay stupid things I've said in my head, but I believe most people don't pay that much attention really so i force myself to let it go. Every time it comes into my head I firmly tell myself 'no, I'm not entertaining that thought' and concentrate on something else.

If you end up in an awkward silence- I've endured many- the other person shares equal responsibility. You simply don't connect together, nobody is to blame. Move away and find somebody easier to talk to. And don't hate yourself for it, you sound like a lovely person.

I do that, but what I read as an outsider in your situation is that you made polite small talk and on the way back, you were both silent. Therefore, she didn't make the effort either. So either she's shy too, or rude.

Easy for an outsider to see, but in your shoes I'd have been dwelling on it too and feeling like a tit. Maybe she's kicking herself for not talking back to you enough.

That particular scenario sounds fine to me. You come across as friendly and considerate of other's feelings.
I would have probably smiled and asked Are you enjoying the evening? and left it at that but nothing wrong with your approach.

You just lack confidence and are anxious but don't make the mistake of thinking everyone else is self assured and excellent at conversation. They're not, we all have insecurities.

I do this.

"Oh hello(big smile), isn't it lovely. But honestly op, nobody cares.

I've been to a fair few work dos as the spouse, so not knowing anyone. If anyone had done what you did to me, I'd have been so pleased, even if we didn't speak again. I hate walking into rooms where I don't know anyone, it's always nerve wracking. I think it was a nice thing you did, don't beat yourself up over it!

Can I ask though op, because my MIL does this, did your parents not have parties or take you anywhere so you picked this stuff up naturally. MIL didn't and when we met DH wasn't confident with this stuff and I carried him and taught him. Most people are more interested in his brain though.

Dp is like this, and still kicks himself about stuff that happened years ago. He comes across as very confident and is a lovely, funny person but analyses every word he says after the event.
He's slowly getting better but it takes a lot of reassurance that he hasn't said or done anything wrong.

Me too

Last week I heard a family member of a work colleague had died. I sent a text saying "sorry" etc and he replied wirh a thank you and a couple of comments about her passing. I literally sat for about 20 minutes with my phone in my hand trying to work out whether to reply. Was it rude to not respond or rude to carry on the conversation after someone had died and they had a lot on their plate?

I work in retail and if I'm feeling ok I'll chat to customers. The next day I could be feeling anxious and actually hide out the back so as not to speak to them

And where I live I'm known as 'odd' as I can chat to someone once and then ignore them the next day because I don't know if after speaking to them it means I should wave as I pass them in the car or not.

Its fucking exhausting and embarrassing.

I am very much like this. I've recently completed a course of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) that has helped me recognise certain traits I have and actually notice when I'm thinking in an unhelpful way and help me to challenge the thoughts and kind of be more rational and easier on myself. I didn't think it would be as helpful as it was, I'd highly recommend it particularly for anxiety.

I am more like you than not. I think it was nice and friendly of you to wait and I would have appreciated the friendly/courteous gesture. Maybe she is reserved too and was desperately trying to think of something to say? Appearances can be deceptive!

I was a bit like this when I was a teenager.

I still remember the enormously liberating moment when I realised that no-one cared what I said because A) they probably weren't paying attention and B) if they were, it was only to see whether I said anything that reflected in any way on them.

Once you realise that everyone is as wrapped up in themselves as you are you no longer have to worry about it.

I do the replay conversation thing too. It gets stuck in my head whilst I try to resolve it and it’s draining.

However, now I’m older I’ve realised I don’t give a flying fuck if people like me. Why would I care if a stranger thinks I’m great or thinks I’m odd and boring. It’s liberating to now feel this way.

I'm like this too. It's agonising! I still replay conversations I had twenty years ago.

You sound very good company and funny, please don't be so hard on yourself all the time. And don't overthink this one incident, I have quite a few every now and again where there's a pause, or a slightly awkward moment, or some longish silences- but I just think, well it can't just be up to me to fill them or say something interesting, can it?

Please let this one go and stop beating yourself up you aren't perfect- no-one is and most people don't think that much about what others are up to, this lady did her lipstick and you made polite conversation, no harm done whatsoever.

Thank you so much for the understanding replies, it's so nice to hear I'm not alone, as at times I feel like I'm the only one feeling like this. I look at other people in whatever social circle I'm in and envy how well they're coming across and how natural they are. To actually think that they might even be feeling the same way is not something that's ever entered my head.

I think what made me dwell on the colleague's wife situation even more is that when she was on the table, she seemed really chatty with the other colleagues and the wives on her side of the table, so when she didn't talk much to me I instantly came to the conclusion that it was because of me.

I have had a bit of CBT (with a combination of hypnotherapy) for my anxiety and confidence; it helped in some aspects such as confidence in my job such as belief in my capabilities, I don't think I did it for long enough, it was very expensive and I couldn't really afford it

I'm like this too OP

Mainly when I used to work for a big company and was part of a huge team. I honestly used to sit and stew and completely agonise about trivial stupid conversations..what people think about me.. What people are saying about me. What I should have said, done etc. I would literally beat myself up about stupid stuff.

A few years ago a close friend said something to me which stuck in my head.

Ask yourself this. Are you going to be worrying/ thinking about this situation in 6 months time?
The answer is NO. So then why waste so much time and energy worrying and fretting about this?

Yes.

My DD2 has AS and OCD and she experiences this to quite an extreme. I experience it too but not to such a distressing level.

Learning about social rules from websites, internet forums and books has really helped DD2 and helped me to help her too. We have long discussions unpicking social rules to help her work out what to say. She also takes medication to help with the intrusive thoughts.

I could’ve written your OP! The constant worrying about how you come across, am I being too rude? Am I being too needy? It’s exhausting.

The truth is nobody actually gives much of a crap. Who was it who said “you’d be a lot less worried about what people think of you if you realised how little time they actually spend thinking of you”.

The first thing to do is to recognise it about yourself and even laugh at yourself when you realise you are doing it. Own your own crazy! You can’t change who you are.

And know you’re definitely not alone

I'm definitely like this! I still say stupid things ALL the time to fill the void but then make myself feel even more uncomfortable.

Its gotten better since I realised all I need to do is ask ppl questions about themselves - if you really need to rehearse things to say having a good stock of questions can be helpful & makes it feel like real conversation. I still come out with stupid shit in response but it seems to go down better!