I'm socially insecure to the point where I analyse a conversation I've had with a stranger and let it play on my mind for days, particularly if there's been awkward silences or if I think I've come across as a bit of a tit.
I wish I could change it about myself. I come across as confident, but inside I feel like an absolutely idiot who pre-plans things to say as much as possible so that people don't think I've got nothing to say (one of my friends said that to me when I was about 18 and it's haunted me ever since). I put so much pressure on myself to say something interesting and can't abide being in a situation where there's silence as I think it's a reflection on just me and my inept social skills. I then end up saying something completely ridiculous to fill the gap and kick myself for days for saying stuff. It feels like a neverending cycle.
Now time for the ridiculous 1st world insignificant event if you were a normal person:
I went to a do on Saturday night, it was one where the company that I work for was invited to. We took one table of 10, which meant 5 employees could attend plus spouses.
There was one particular colleague and his wife. All 10 of us met in the foyer which is where I briefly said hello to her; Apart from that initial greeting we didn't speak for the whole evening as she was sat about 4 places away from me on the table, and the table was too big to speak to the colleagues/spouses on the other side.
A few hours into the event, I went to the toilets. As i was drying my hands and making my way towards the exit, I saw said colleague's wife standing at one of the sinks looking into the mirror. I'd have to walk past her to get to the exit. For a split second I was wondering whether to carry on but decided to stop and sort of said "oh sorry I didn't realise you were here, I'll wait with you and walk back". I felt like if I'd just walked past and she'd seen me, she'd think it was rude, because I was going back to the same table as her. I didn't want her to think I was up my own arse or ignorant.
So for the next minute or so I just stood there like a lemon while she applied her lipstick and brushed her hair. Of course, silences, as no one wants to apply lip gloss with a stranger stood waiting for you, so then I started with my silly time-filling drivel such as about the traffic, the weather, how nice the dinner was etc etc. It was so contrived on my part. We then walked back to the table in complete silence as I couldn't think of anything to say. We didn't say anything to each other again until it was time to leave.
i spoke to my DH about it at home and he said that I should've just walked straight past her and not waited for her. I said "what if she saw me in the mirror, wouldn't she think if it was rude if I just walked straight past without saying anything, or even saying hello but still not waiting when we were going back to the same table", he said no and he said that half of me always feeling like this is because I put myself in unnecessary situations where I have some kind of unjustified and unwarranted need to come across as self assured and pleasant.
He's right isn't he? How can I stop this? I'm fed up of feeling like I have to plan things to say otherwise I'm not interesting or people won't want to know me. I am interesting, I'm funny, but in some social situations I just put ridiculous pressure on myself. Does anyone else do anything remotely similar to this??