Can anyone relate to this ridiculous mental trait?

[CheeseFiend36]

I'm socially insecure to the point where I analyse a conversation I've had with a stranger and let it play on my mind for days, particularly if there's been awkward silences or if I think I've come across as a bit of a tit.
I wish I could change it about myself. I come across as confident, but inside I feel like an absolutely idiot who pre-plans things to say as much as possible so that people don't think I've got nothing to say (one of my friends said that to me when I was about 18 and it's haunted me ever since). I put so much pressure on myself to say something interesting and can't abide being in a situation where there's silence as I think it's a reflection on just me and my inept social skills. I then end up saying something completely ridiculous to fill the gap and kick myself for days for saying stuff. It feels like a neverending cycle.

Now time for the ridiculous 1st world insignificant event if you were a normal person:
I went to a do on Saturday night, it was one where the company that I work for was invited to. We took one table of 10, which meant 5 employees could attend plus spouses.
There was one particular colleague and his wife. All 10 of us met in the foyer which is where I briefly said hello to her; Apart from that initial greeting we didn't speak for the whole evening as she was sat about 4 places away from me on the table, and the table was too big to speak to the colleagues/spouses on the other side.

A few hours into the event, I went to the toilets. As i was drying my hands and making my way towards the exit, I saw said colleague's wife standing at one of the sinks looking into the mirror. I'd have to walk past her to get to the exit. For a split second I was wondering whether to carry on but decided to stop and sort of said "oh sorry I didn't realise you were here, I'll wait with you and walk back". I felt like if I'd just walked past and she'd seen me, she'd think it was rude, because I was going back to the same table as her. I didn't want her to think I was up my own arse or ignorant.

So for the next minute or so I just stood there like a lemon while she applied her lipstick and brushed her hair. Of course, silences, as no one wants to apply lip gloss with a stranger stood waiting for you, so then I started with my silly time-filling drivel such as about the traffic, the weather, how nice the dinner was etc etc. It was so contrived on my part. We then walked back to the table in complete silence as I couldn't think of anything to say. We didn't say anything to each other again until it was time to leave.

i spoke to my DH about it at home and he said that I should've just walked straight past her and not waited for her. I said "what if she saw me in the mirror, wouldn't she think if it was rude if I just walked straight past without saying anything, or even saying hello but still not waiting when we were going back to the same table", he said no and he said that half of me always feeling like this is because I put myself in unnecessary situations where I have some kind of unjustified and unwarranted need to come across as self assured and pleasant.

He's right isn't he? How can I stop this? I'm fed up of feeling like I have to plan things to say otherwise I'm not interesting or people won't want to know me. I am interesting, I'm funny, but in some social situations I just put ridiculous pressure on myself. Does anyone else do anything remotely similar to this??

Thank you for the book recommendations and for the link KityGlitr; plenty of reading for the bus to work tomorrow!

To reply to your very first sentence:

Days? Mate, I can go years. I've been up nights sweating over a mundane misunderstanding that happened when I was 8 years old!

I cannot let go of looking a tit, annoying somebody (even a stranger), making somebody angry... It will eat at me for the rest of my life! I know on a realistic level that the other person will never remember it, but that doesn't make much difference to my brain.

Cocopuffs, in that split second in the toilets I was trying to think about what I would want in that situation. if she was me, I would appreciate the approach and that would instantly make me feel confident about having a conversation with her, because she chose to approach me and talk to me rather than the other way around. I am fine if someone makes an effort with me and engages with me /asks questions. When someone is silent and I'm asking questions or making chit chat , I apply the same principle but in reverse , ie if they are not engaging in conversation back with me then "why? Surely I'm making them feel at ease so why are they not giving much back, it must mean they think I'm someone not worth speaking to, or what I'm saying is probably ridiculous"
Hopefully that makes sense, not sure how best to describe it

Oh gosh can I join? I'm exactly the same. I end up cringing about awkward moments, sometimes from years ago!!
Objectively I can see she probably just shrugged it off and has forgotten all about it, but I'd have been the same op!!

Completely identify with your post except now I think more along the lines of this:

However, now I’m older I’ve realised I don’t give a flying fuck if people like me. Why would I care if a stranger thinks I’m great or thinks I’m odd and boring. It’s liberating to now feel this way.

I like to think that from the beginning of time every single human has had a cringe moment and who cares now? I cringe, laugh and just accept that it's part of me and let it go. I find it's good to distract myself to ease the anxiety and actually the more you think about something the more you develop that mental pathway so it's important not to dwell.

And you just come across as kind and thoughtful.

It's not everyone who will like or respond to u hun.but if a friend was trying or doing as u do whhat would u think?that they were pretty amazing fr putting such thought into people and wanting urself and all others at ease and ok.yes?do let urself off ur own hook.
And if something goes wry just think "yeh,but I wanted/tried the best.end of.because no matter wat thinks occur good and tots up bad sometimes.
Buuuut that's a bad situ not a bad YOU.don't reflect all back inwards.u seem lovely.

A few days ago I remembered something I did when I was 15 and replayed it for about 2 days ...

Also try reading a book called ‘the subtle art of not giving a fuck’ - it’s helped me

The wife in the toilet might well have been confident in the group scenario - she would have had her husband close by plus it is possible that she knew some of the others better. However, putting myself in her shoes, I might well have been a bit more shy when alone with one person from the group. I come across as very confident and extrovert but I could easily imagine the situation if you had sweetly waited for me: I would have thought 'oh how nice - what a lovely gesture to wait' but then could easily have groped unsuccessfully for conversation. You sound really nice. Just remember, not everyone is as confident as they seem.

If people don't engage with you, you can't always take that as a direct criticism. Apply some of your kindness to yourself.

Also consider that the person you are speaking to might be shy, anxious, a bit tongue tied.

Looking objectively at your toilet situation; You were very friendly, bubbly, waiting for her, chatting animatedly and insisting on waiting for her and walking back together. You were projecting a confident, outgoing image to her which was actually far removed from your real self and possibly slightly intimidating.

I make the same mistake myself. Trying so hard not to show my insecurities, that I end up being perceived as very confident and out going. I've learnt over the years to try to be more real and level with people.

Try being more open and honest as an approach "Oh I find these sorts of events difficult, I get worried about saying the wrong thing. How are you finding it?" that sort of thing, just to let a natural conversation develop.

Small talk will always have it's place in lubricating social interactions though. Don't worry overly about saying something quite inane- chatting about the traffic, weather etc is really just a way to open a conversation.

Sometimes I think that it is part of being / being raised female. We are constantly given the message that it is our responsibility to manage relations and make sure everyone is happy that we get so stressed at silences or awkward situations like your OP.

On the one hand I think it’s great that women are like this because empathy is a very underrated trait. But then sometimes it is exhausting always having to present a happy front.

The thing is OP, you should be confident because the way you write is very eloquent. Why don’t you write a journal to acknowledge your feelings? I think it would give you a lot of comfort.