... To just scream FUCK IT ALL and shove them in the local primary.

[Mrsfullhouse]

Good god I'm exhausted. I have three beautiful DC's. DS1 in Reception, DS2 in nursery and DD in year 6. All at a lovely prep school. So far so good....

However, by the ripe old age of 10, my DD has managed to become a rather excellent singer a consummate LAMDA exam taker and very talented hockey player, so all of my time is spent running her around to fixtures/ training/ concerts/ practices/ performances/ exams... you get the picture. DH is at rugby on Saturdays, so it is invariably me that does all the running around because he's either working or too tired on a Sunday. I just seem to spend my life in the car. This excludes all of the actual travel to and from the lovely prep (bloody miles away). Extra travel for all of the lovely things that they do that nice mummies actually turn up to an clap politely as they watch little Horatio murder a violin in cold blood. Plus all the lovely coffee dates- oh and you know, the actual job that I do... that I barely have time for.

The thing is, her lovely prep has encouraged DD to pursue these avenues having 'discovered' her talents- along with a million other things that if she had gone to the local primary, I'm pretty sure I would have been too smugly lazy to even think about. That is no reflection on state school mummies- I know some super-tiger ones.... but I would probably been awful and not even let her join recorder club because- well, who the fuck wants to listen to the fucking recorder.

So this is my life now, and I barely have time to think, let alone spend time polishing my turd enough to look acceptable in public.

I love the lovely prep.... but I think about how ridiculous it is now, and in a few years time I will have three actively participating in all of this shit. No doubt they will stumble upon some glorious talent that DS1 has that will involve me traversing the country, burning £50 notes and chucking them out of the car window as I go.

So, would it be unreasonable to just shout FUCK IT ALL, pull them out, stick them in the lovely, but not as lovely as lovely prep, primary and spend my evenings and weekends drinking very very cold wine and talking to my chickens?

Anybody else just feel like, as much as they love their DC's and their wonderful talents, they wish that they'd just never fucking encouraged them in the first place?

Like many of us OP, you have taken on too much. Whether your kids are at prep or state primary is irrelevant, many of us are guilty of saying yes to every extra curricular opportunity, every birthday party, every play date while also trying to work, keep a house in order and maintain a relationship. You need to be better at saying no and realise your DC will
be ok if they do not do it all. I was in this position and it almost broke me. I now insist on some activity free afternoons and also DH has to pull his weight. For your health and sanity step away from the competitive parenting nonsense and get your DH ago step up his parenting a gear.

I don't at all believe that state school children are any more, or any less talented than private school children. Or mothers more or less dedicated (or in my school's case competitive).

I just know I would be a different mother if we were at state and I just feel a bit stupid that I've bought into it all.

We don't pay the fees so I guess I also feel that I have to give MIL her money worth (I know how that sounds and yes, I'm terrified of her).

Grandma was 81. She went slowly mad. Not a brilliant medical term I know, but it started with grief (sudden death of my grandfather) and quickly spiralled to very odd behaviour. I was so young I don't know much about it. She was put into a home at a pretty early age and spent years and years getting more and more insular. In the end she didn't speak for years and just Sat looking like a terrified baby bird, being fed tablets and hiding sandwiches behind her photo frames.

I have to speak at her funeral on behalf of the grandchildren. But the truth is, I didn't really know her. I loved her, but I didn't know her.

I just suddenly realised that life is bloody short. I spend it running around after my children to impress God knows who and I haven't had a haircut in over two years.

Time to reassess.

Or chuck them into boarding school where they do all activities on site :-)

(((Hug)))

I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandma 💐

I think you sound lovely & down to earth.

Your MIL, OTOH, sounds like a PITA. It might be time to say 'enough is enough' when it come to her dictating what goes on in your house. Thank the actual fuck you put your foot down about name. Your DS owes you Big Time!

I think your OP was totally fine & quite funny - in a 'Oh God I can so relate to that' kind of way. It's only not funny or 'relatable'' if you have a massive chip on your shoulder you could open a Chip Shop from this thread

It's scary when you realise that you're getting older & your life is passing you by rather quickly and wondering if there isn't a better way to be living it.

Maybe move DD closer to home for Senior School & send the boys to the local school. MIL can butt out & if DH doesn't like it he can adjust his hours to do some of the runnng around. It's all good & well to 'insist' on something when you're not the one doing all the work.

There's nothing wrong with taking some time to think about your life & what you can do to get some enjoyment out of it instead of just surving on the treadmill.

🍷🍫🌷

Off point, you write like Julie Welch...

Why not just put them in full time boarding and be done!

mrsfullhouse I get you.
We've ended up in a similar situation and my two are in a state primary. You want the best for them, you follow them in their interests and before you know it, you never ever stop taking them right and left.
And don't even start about competitions etc... (we had swimming galas ans tennis for twomdcs, NEVER at the same time or place and always clashing with each other).

Something had to give. I actually told the dcs they had to choose because it just wasn't possible to do everything.

I really really don't think it's about state vs private.
It's more about getting swapped up by what looks like things that you HAVE to do when actually they might not be a priority.

Fwiw, we are clearly ending into a similar situation again with a different sports. Competition all over the uk, travel 5 hours each way for a weekend or even a day at xxx event.
It's good if yu can afford to do it, physically and mentally.
If you end up overwhelmed and burnt out (even more likely with the other things going on in your life atm), yu won't be able to give anything at all.
Remember, you cant give form an empty cup. Know how much you can give and take time to replenish YOURSELF so you can still give what you want to your dcs.

You need a different man

OP you've taken a bit of kicking on here. Lots of helpful posts though too. I wasn't offended by your initial post and sort of see where you're coming from, but you don't need anyone else telling you, for the 378th time, that state school kids Do Stuff too.

Chin up, hope it gets easier, and sorry about your grandma.

Mine are in state schools: Saturday was x2 football and Sunday was x3 rugby in 3 different places (tricky for only 2 parents) then swimming. There is rugby, football, badminton and scouts on different nights in the week for the elder 2.

It's knackering but I don't think state schools are any different.

Does anyone ever go to a horrible prep? Or admit to it?

My kids did. Until I moved them. All smoke and mirrors; run entirely for the benefit of the staff, whose primary motivation was to keep the parents happy and paying the fees.

They went on about how "super talented" their pupils were. But, do you know what? They weren't. Or no more so than any other kids of that age learning musical instruments/playing cricket/doing drama etc. Just all the bells and whistles were there to dress it up: super stage effects and lighting at the school play/professional musicians brought in to "assist" with the orchestra etc.

If life's too much, OP (sorry to hear about your bereavement), I suspect your kids would do just as well in their extra curricular activities if they pursued them outside school. You'd also have a lot of money to spend on their pursuit!

I think you've taken a bit of a kicking here. To be honest I wanted to give you a kicking after reading your OP - and I'm still not 100% on whether you are real or not - but giving you the benefit of the doubt, and having read your subsequent posts, I think you sound rather nice and someone I'd probably be happy to have as a friend.
Sorry about your Gran. I didn't cry when mine died. Or when my Mum died. On both occasions it took weeks and was triggered by something totally unrelated. I found it weird. I still think it's weird.
Good luck sorting your life out

I just wanted to say also that for me, the most important thing is why you are feeling the need to impress anyone? Don't worry about anyone else, this is about you and your family. Forget everyone else. They genuinely don't matter. This is YOUR life now, you and your kids. Make choices that reflect that and everything will be ok.

I've already had this discussion with DP - I'm not going to be like his mum, standing freezing on the side of a rugby pitch every Sunday, getting up at the crack of dawn to take a child to 6am swim practise etc.. I don't even like sports to watch on TV, so anything sporty, will be his responsibility. Luckily DS1 shows no sports talent or inclination :)

I'll do music or whatever (which DP in his turn sees no point in), which reminds me. I must get around to sorting out some piano lessons...

For godness sake do some of you not have a sense of humour. It's obviously all tongue in cheek.

OP, tell your interferring MIL to back the fuck off, take control of your children and do it however YOU want to do it. It does appear that this is the root of to problems.

Sorry for your loss .

I have friends like you, who moan that they're doing too much etc. Stop moaning and do something about it. You don't have to do all these things. If it's burning you out then your DC would have to lump it. It's your life, only you can control it.

Sounds like myself and most parents I know (all with state educated children). Let them board then school will do the running around for you or get a nanny.

OP, so sorry to hear about your granny. You sound completely overwhelmed. None of us knows how we'll react when the time comes. I spent the week of my Dad's death driving my kids back and forth to holiday activities until the funeral, then trying to be supportive of my mum during the following weeks, and it was years before I felt able to grieve in my own way.

As for your children's activities, there have been several useful suggestions amonst the vitriol. Are all the children with you on these journeys? It can be exhausting with little ones in the car with you when you are ferrying the eldest. I used after-school-care to let me do one leg of the journey without youngest. We had to stop one activity because the parking was horrendous. Can you share driving with other parents, or even pay for a taxi?

Ok sorry I called you a cunt earlier. It's the first time I've ever said that so count that as a win. Doesn't the prep school do swimming at least on site? My dc's aren't at private school but I spend my life driving them from their school to the local prep school (if you're the maniac that drives the opposite way to me looking behind her at her kids and forcing me into a bush several times a term I withdraw my apology) for their swimming and rugby. Isn't that half the point of prep school?

OP, I have a very clear image of you. You remind me of a character in a Joanna Trollope Aga saga. I get your humour too.

But I think your problem is that you're not leading an authentic life and as a result your characterisation of what that life would be is hitting a lot of wrong notes.

'Super tiger stateschool mummies' made me laugh but seriously, don't talk like that. It's all kinds of wrong.

Stop thinking of yourself as the kind of person who:
Volunteers at the local primary
Facilitates your husband's volunteering
Follows the Naice People Writ according to MIL
Privately educates their children.
(I'm not going to tackle the chickens)

I think you've fallen into the trap of Middle Class Burden and think that you're compensating for your privilege with good works. But, as you now recognises, you seem to have no time to be in between demonstrating all your middle class values from volunteering to recorder lessons.

Get back to basics and consider what you value and what your husband and family values (leaving MIL completely out of it). And give yourself permission to back off all the extra curricular including volunterrring next term to rewrite the script.

Good luck.

Also you write like you read too much. This is my mil's main criticism of me. Therefore you can't be that bad.

So you can offer your children the best start in life, but you want to deprive them of it cause you can't be arsed.

You need to make a change to find more time. Get dh or grandparents to help, move closer to school, give up job or work less hours.

I’ve read all your posts before banging out a ‘fuck off OP’ reply & I’m glad I did.

When you’re posting as you & not a persona you come across as thoroughly overwhelmed & a bit sad, like you’re scared that the family life you envisaged is just passing you by.

I’m sorry about your granny
Her death has obviously given you a massive jolt and made you question & examine your life - anybody who does that will always see something they don’t like & just see all the things that are ‘wrong’.

Take stock of where you are, and where you want to be & make some tweaks - prioritise yourself, your family life & your relationship over other people; it’s not selfish to do that btw - every parent is busy because that’s what being a parent is - you just need to figure out what things can give.
Stop volunteering at the school (or drastically reduce the time you give them), explain to your daughter that she has to pick her most favourite extra curricular things as her brothers are getting older now & need time too.

Be nice to yourself & see this as an opportunity to take stock & prioritise what’s important

I'm afraid that it's the thing nowadays for children to do as many activities as possible. It's is totally fucking exhausting.

Balance is really important in family life and sometimes you will have to say no. Cut yourself some slack, no one died from missing a practice every now and then.