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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is the saddest thing I have had to write and to not want to it.

79 replies

theduchessstill · 25/09/2017 10:54

IWBveryUR nt to do it, but I really don't want to.

A colleague I work closely with has applied for another job. There are many organisational issues where we work and I don't blame her at all for wanting to leave. As well as working closely together she has supported me through some difficult times and the thought of her leaving just sucks. And to rub salt in the wound I now have to write her reference .

Obviously I am happy for her to have this chance, but to have to sit opposite her and type out why she is so great is not fun! I am in danger of making a total fool of myself here. Help me get a grip...

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 26/09/2017 19:40

Woman up OP.

Dumbledoresgirl · 26/09/2017 19:45

StrangeLookingParasite thanks for the biggest laugh I have had in ages.

fullofhope03 · 26/09/2017 19:46

why all the this thread wasn't triggering?
I honestly thought this would be a thread where the poster needed help, support advice etc over something truly awful.
Like finding your DD dead after you came home from food shopping (whilst you were his ft carer). Or your Mum going into hospital for 'overnight observations' only to have a call in the early hours of the morning to come quickly and then be told she was dead.
THAT is one of the many things that would be classed as 'one of the saddest things I've ever had to write'. Sorry to go on but...

MargotLovedTom1 · 26/09/2017 19:48

'Someone might be triggered by the title because they can't write'....fucking hell, I've heard it all now.

OohMavis · 26/09/2017 20:04

Triggering? For reals? Ain't the op who needs a grip.

I don't think you need to worry about making a 'fool' of yourself, OP. If she's that close a friend I think she'll understand if you get a bit upset.

OohMavis · 26/09/2017 20:05

I honestly thought this would be a thread where the poster needed help, support advice etc over something truly awful.

Ok, but it wasn't. So she was a bit melodramatic. People, including me quite recently, have had awful things happen to them but there's no law saying you must click on a thread that may make you sad.

fullofhope03 · 26/09/2017 20:08

Wasn't clicking on a thread 'that would make me sad' - just thought someone might need some support.

Original poster

theduchessstill · 26/09/2017 20:13

But fullofhope, awful as those things sound, and I'm truly sorry if they have happened to you, you wouldn't have to write about them. I wasn't saying the op was the saddest thing I have written, but the reference was. That was because I had to spell out all the great things she does which obviously caused me to remember that she won't be doing them with anymore.

I probably sound ridiculous and am over-invested in work and therefore this friendship I expect because I have very little else in my life, aside from my wonderful dc. That is because of a horrible divorce, which, awful as it was, didn't involve me writing a bitter sweet paean to the marriage when it was in its death throes.

OP posts:

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/09/2017 21:36

Dutchess. Ignore the meanies. I don't know why every problem on Mumsnet has to be the best/worst/biggest.. you feel sad because things are changing.. and that's sad for you at the time. Not as sad as someone dying luckily, but who knows, maybe this situation brings up deeper feelings about something else. The point is - I think it is ok to ask advice about something that isn't the end of the world, but still affects you. Both you and your colleague sound nice. But even if you miss her as a colleague, hopefully you will still retain her as a friend and even more hopefully that will be as a friend that is free from the fetters of being a colleague.. which is better isnt it? I'm still friends with people I worked with many years ago. Some of them I didn't even like as colleagues, but they were tenacious ( good for them) and insistent and I really like them much more now, we've got shared history now and I appreciate them just as much, if not more. Hopefully you will too.. so write your mate a banging reference with a good grace and praise be that you are not writing an obit as some have been harping on about because I've had to write several of those and it effing sucks. But what do I know? OH was given the biggest bottle of Mateus as a gift today.. so I've been imbibing.

ButchyRestingFace · 26/09/2017 21:43

why all the this thread wasn't triggering?
I honestly thought this would be a thread where the poster needed help, support advice etc over something truly awful.
Like finding your DD dead after you came home from food shopping (whilst you were his ft carer). Or your Mum going into hospital for 'overnight observations' only to have a call in the early hours of the morning to come quickly and then be told she was dead.
THAT is one of the many things that would be classed as 'one of the saddest things I've ever had to write'. Sorry to go on but... sad

You've really given this a lot of thought, haven't you? Even down to devising the finer details of various catastrophes that could have befallen the OP.

First time I've encountered a poster being "triggered" by the OP not being struck by disaster.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/09/2017 21:49

Sorry Dutchess, Our posts crossed and I've just read yours. Sorry about the D I V, and the paean. Something about that sentance suddenly reminded me of a time when we went to a friends gig and they had some local poetry readings before hand, including several ladies from a group reading divorce poetry. Now I know this was a sad and painful subject, but in my defence, I was expecting to hear a rock band it was a bit out of context. One lady, who looked exactly as meek and mild as a very timid Joanna David, who unexpectedly produced an incredibly loud Slam Poetry effort entitled "why do you hate me?" which were the only words, repeated again and again, louder and louder... for some considerable time. Powerful stuff, and undoubtedly theraputic for the poet... , but I have to confess I got the giggles towards the end ( I still feel bad about it because it was really brave) - Hands up to her for the shock value tho. She silenced a crowded room. I don't know why I'm mentioning this, but at least you don't have to write her a slam poetry reference... maybe you can plan her one heck of a leaving do and have a laugh about it all?

eulmh · 26/09/2017 21:58

Are you writing about me? Ha. I've put my colleague in the same situation last week, today I should have attended an interview that I withdrew from. I love where I work I don't want to leave but it's the institutional issues that don't sit right with me. You have every right to feel sad but equally I understand why she wAnts to go as I'm sure you do too x

morningtoncrescent62 · 26/09/2017 22:01

Well, I didn't expect to get a good few laughs out of this thread when I saw the title, but it's had me spluttering over the keyboard. To think that just a couple of years ago I'd never heard the word 'triggering'... ah, how the world changes.

Back at the OP, duchess I completely get where you're coming from. I've had to do something similar, and it made me feel very sad, not that I wouldn't ever see or talk to my soon-to-be-ex-colleague again because I knew I would, but that we wouldn't share all the little daily rituals and annoyances and moments when we'd burst out laughing over the same thing any more. I probably wouldn't start the reference by saying you're sad about writing it as a pp suggested (I read a lot of references and I'd quite frankly find that a bit OTT) but there's nothing at all wrong putting something at the end like 'X has been an excellent colleague and an asset to the firm and I will miss her'.

Hope you managed to get it written, OP.

MimsyBorogroves · 26/09/2017 22:05

I'm on the other side of this, OP. I've chosen to take another job because the situation where I work is more of a shituation, and I can't wait to leave.

I want to take my line manager with me though, as she's fucking fantastic.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/09/2017 22:12

Ha Ha at the word "shituation" - mind if I borrow it Mimsy?

IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 27/09/2017 06:04

YABU. Your colleague is going to another job, not dying. As for your argument that sadder things may have happened to people but at least they haven't had to write about them well you have exactly no proof that's the case. If this is the saddest thing you personally have had to write then fair enough but fuck me, that is one luxurious problem to wallow in. I won't play 'saddest thing I've had to write' top trumps but please count yourself lucky. YANBU to feel sad but I can see how the title wording has got some people's backs up. Also if you really don't want her to leave just write a shit reference

Ps - it would be somewhat hilarious if mimsy happened to be the co-worker in question and was desperate to leave meanwhile all this hand wringing at her departure is going on .

strawberrisc · 27/09/2017 06:34

My best friend is UTTERLY wasted where we work and has the mist incredible, transferrable skills. I know she will leave soon but I'm honest to her face that I want her to leave and be happy but I'll miss her terribly.

grobagsforever · 27/09/2017 06:48

My best friend at work died suddenly, he was 42 with two young children.

OP get a bloody grip

allaboutthatsass · 27/09/2017 06:56

it's okay OP, I get it. I had a really good friend at work who left too. I still find it hard. I was badly bullied in my previous role and suddenly I had a colleague who actually liked me. Then she left and I took it very hard.

Mrscaindingle · 27/09/2017 07:09

It is not the op who needs to get a grip

This

I have had this exact same scenario op, even down to the divorce. I still see my colleague as we remained friends but I was sad about it for quite a while, and completely embarrassed myself by crying when she left and yes I've had sadder things happen in my life too, but as you say it's not a competition.

Gwlondon · 27/09/2017 07:54

It's the loss of working friendship. Even if you meet up it's not the same as when you shared your working day with each other. It's okay to feel sad. Big hug.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 27/09/2017 08:02

Here we go again. Sadness is not a competition. People can feel how they want to feel about stuff. It doesn't have to take into account other things that are sad.

I felt very sad after a work friend left. It meant I was sitting alone in an office with an awful work colleague whose behaviour had been "diluted" by having someone else in there with me who could be witness to the awful things they say. Now I'm alone again and it's bloody horrendous. Not the saddest thing in the world but I do leave work in tears sometimes because of it.

I understand why you feel sad, OP. Ignore the sadness monitors - it's really, really not a competition.

fullofhope03 · 27/09/2017 08:26

Duchess - As PotatoSalad has said, sadness is not a competition - Of COURSE it's not. I wrote from a gut reaction and also because things are totally grim in my pathetic life. So I am very sorry. And sorry for all you've had to go through. I hope things improve for you and that you keep in touch with your workmate - (you must! I'm still dear friends with one of mine after 30 years). And also, as others have said, hopefully there will be an opening at your friend's new company - Fingers crossed. Take care, xxx

IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 28/09/2017 09:27

I wrote to Santa as a kid asking for a Mr Frosty machine and never ever got one. That was a very sad letter. I guess it's kind of the same though as all sadness is relative and that.

MadMags · 28/09/2017 09:48

The competitive-sadness me-railing on this thread has been utterly ridiculous!

Now I understand why there are memes taking the piss out of being triggered!

That being said; OP, you really are over-invested if this is your reaction. Of course it's normal to be sad but you're acting like she has weeks to live.

You say you don't really have a life, I think you should make a real effort now to get one, for your own sake.

A work relationship can be great but it shouldn't be so important that it causes such dramatic feelings of grief.

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