Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think this is the saddest thing I have had to write and to not want to it.

79 replies

theduchessstill · 25/09/2017 10:54

IWBveryUR nt to do it, but I really don't want to.

A colleague I work closely with has applied for another job. There are many organisational issues where we work and I don't blame her at all for wanting to leave. As well as working closely together she has supported me through some difficult times and the thought of her leaving just sucks. And to rub salt in the wound I now have to write her reference .

Obviously I am happy for her to have this chance, but to have to sit opposite her and type out why she is so great is not fun! I am in danger of making a total fool of myself here. Help me get a grip...

OP posts:

Looneytune253 · 25/09/2017 12:53

FFS leave the op alone. I hate the way the word triggering is bandied about on here. You can see whatever you want to see in most phrases. Cant take that out on the rest of the world. Just because it doesn't seem like a big deal to you, doesn't mean it's not a big deal within someone else's life. It's all relative.

sherbetpips · 25/09/2017 12:53

It is a sad time when this happens. Having the support of a caring and understanding colleague simply makes work life easier and when that person goes (especially to a better place) it feels rubbish. I still miss old colleagues now and as my career has progressed I no longer have the chance to make new ones as frankly, who wants to talk secrets with the boss. But as you already know life will go on and maybe your own opportunity will come along - chin up and make sure she gets a good send off!

plantsitter · 25/09/2017 12:54

Op mind your title, some people can't write and it might be triggering for them.

Concentrate on making it the nicest reference ever to thank your mate. You could even say something like 'I'm so annoyed to write this she's so good' but in a professional way obvs.

Of course it's sad to not see an incredibly good friend every day any more. I'd feel the same.

ButchyRestingFace · 25/09/2017 12:55

The OP may have exaggerated in her title, but I'm really, really fed up with this "triggering" stuff.

Agreed. I had to write the eulogy after finding my mum dead. (lucky ol' me).

You didn't "trigger" me. Right enough, I rolled my eyes right round at your thread title when I read the post. But I'm sitting here, sipping tea and scoffing choccy biscuits, remarkably untriggered.

I await the arrival of anyone "triggered" by this thread title.

AtlanticWaves · 25/09/2017 13:11

OP, I think people may find it triggering as it implies what you are going to write in your post is the saddest thing ever.

I too thought this. I though your post was going to be hard for you to write.

After the best/worst Christmas thread, I was prepared for a very sad story.

AlternativeTentacle · 25/09/2017 13:11

I am still friends with work colleagues, some 25 years after they left.

It's fine. Life goes on. Make sure you take their number.

yodelehoho · 25/09/2017 13:12

"triggering" really? Bit over the top dramatisation but I'm getting fed up hearing the word "triggering"

Jellybean85 · 25/09/2017 13:16

Agree that it's a tad over dramatic but "triggering" ? Do people even remember what that means, the word "sad" isn't bloody triggering, trigger warnings are supposed to be about specific things that may remind/traumatise someone of something they've experienced and I think that's really important, but we can't remove every negative word from use in case it upsets someone!

Sorry you're having a tough time op, maybe you can stay friends and meet for coffee and cake etc

Alittlepotofrosie · 25/09/2017 13:27

Hey look, another thread whether people post just to be dickheads about the wording of the post rather than responding to the post itself. Well done people, good job. Triggering my arse.

This is happening a lot recently.

PovertyPain · 25/09/2017 13:32

I've been triggered by reading the word triggered so much. 😱 I demand that mumsnet creates a 'safe space' for me.

paxillin · 25/09/2017 13:38

Back to the OP, see it as a positive. She gets away from a difficult place. Support her in this, just as she supported you. Who knows, she might be your leg up for a new role one day, too.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 25/09/2017 13:55

Your title and post are both OTT but "triggering" is bollocks. On most normal forums, trigger warnings are usually reserved for discussions about self harm, suicide and death.

Anyway, YABU but I am sorry you're losing a supportive colleague. I'm sure you can stay in touch and sustain a lovely friendship.

MadMags · 25/09/2017 14:01

Your whole post is ridiculously over-dramatic, but the people shouting "triggering" are just as bad so we're surrounded, it seems.

This is not a normal reaction to a colleague moving to another job. Really it's not. I'm assuming she'll have a phone? You won't lose contact.

Dahlietta · 25/09/2017 14:09

Yes, surely a 'triggering' post is one with an innocuous sounding title which is in fact about something awful. This is a title that sounds like the post is about something awful when actually it's about writing a reference for a colleague. I don't see how anyone could be 'triggered' (is 'trigger' a verb?) by that.

squeaver · 25/09/2017 14:19

I feel sorry for you, OP, I really do.

I can remember having to write a reference for a colleague way back in around 2000. We'd worked together for 8 years and, even though I was technically her boss, we'd really grown up through our 20s/early 30s together. And she wasn't just leaving the company, she was moving back to Australia. I remember waking up one night and sobbing.

We've now been ex-colleagues for almost twice as long as we were colleagues and we're still really good friends. I was her bridesmaid and we were on holiday together just this past Summer.

You won't be working together but there's no reason why you won't still be friends. And I agree with pp, maybe you should think about a new job too.

Butterymuffin · 25/09/2017 14:29

It's a shame your friend is leaving and I'd be sad too. But please do write a professional reference for her. Can't believe some of the suggestions here saying start it with 'I'm really sad to have to write this..' A reference isn't about the person writing it!

ShellyBoobs · 25/09/2017 14:47

I really dislike the way the word 'hate' is thrown about on MN with such abandon. Almost every time I see it it's clear the poster meant 'dislike'. I therefore refuse to get upset about 'triggered' joining in the party.

OP, try to go easy on the gushing. It will come across as more sincere if you temper it but still make it clear that this person has been a real credit to herself and the company.

The last reference I wrote for someone I was sad to lose as a colleague was along the line of briefly pointing out the person's qualities and finishing with saying that I'd have no hesitation at all in employing him again if the opportunity arose in future. I think that gets the message across without being too ott.

StrangeLookingParasite · 25/09/2017 21:07

Triggering my arse.

Dried apricots do that to me.

ferretygubbins · 25/09/2017 21:22

What I always do is get the person leaving to write their own reference with the proviso that I would only sign it and send it if it wouldn't perjure me. Much easier that way

topcat2014 · 25/09/2017 21:25

I always write good references, as I always have great staff :).

I am usually pleased they are moving onwards and upwards beyond the opportunities they could get still working for me.

Then, I like having new staff, as everyone brings something new.

Turquoise123 · 26/09/2017 17:39

assuming it is for another entity i.e not your own firm references are restricted to dates attended, job title etc. Google it and keep to the guidelines

Smudge100 · 26/09/2017 18:05

Jeez, if that is the saddest thing you've ever had to write, you haven't lived.

Original poster

theduchessstill · 26/09/2017 18:41

assuming it is for another entity i.e not your own firm references are restricted to dates attended, job title etc. Google it and keep to the guidelines

Not the case. I don't need to Google to know what is required and expected in my line of work, thanks all the same .

Jeez, if that is the saddest thing you've ever had to write, you haven't lived.

Why, do most people have to write about lots of sad things that happen to them then ? I know some sad things have to be written as some people have written about them up thread. However, in my case, while I have had other sad[der]things happen, I have not had to write about them. hth.

Jeez, this came back up on my active threads, and all I find are some smug, patronising and irrelevant comments that have already been made anyway.

OP posts:

MaidenMotherCrone · 26/09/2017 19:38

Well Op I think you sound lovely and I'm sure your friend does too. Tears are better out than in. I'd give your friend a copy of the reference, I expect she'll cry too.

I had to tell my 16 year old child their father had killed himself this post has not upset me.

fullofhope03 · 26/09/2017 19:39

I think you should ask HQ to change your title to something less triggering.

TOTALLY. ffs

Flip

1 2 3 4