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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I send DM birthday card from her DH who passed away?

57 replies

Bippitybopityboo · 24/09/2017 23:54

My mum and her partner were together 20 years. He was told he was terminally ill at the start of the summer and passed away last month.
In his last few months they got married, it was something the always wanted to do but in the end time made the decision for them and it was lovely. Before he passed away my mum told us she hopes he makes it to her birthday so she can have just one 'wife' card. He didn't and her birthday is tomorrow.
At his funeral a close friend of my mum's said to me you have to get her a wife card from him it's so important.
I have got the card but now I'm torn as to weather to send it. I it was me I wouldn't like someone to do that it's a lovely thought but it's not from that person so seems a little strange however I feel awful that someone has said I should do it for her and now I'm not going to. What do you think? it's such a hard situation. I just don't think it's what you do Sad

OP posts:
MaggieMeldrum · 24/09/2017 23:56

I wouldn't do it tbh and if my dh had passed away I definitely wouldn't welcome it either.

RJnomore1 · 24/09/2017 23:57

Oh no sorry but that sounds so wrong.

boredofmyoldname · 24/09/2017 23:57

I agree with you, not a chance would I do this.

The day will be hard for her as it is, to me it'd be a crushing reminder that her husband couldn't send it himself and i'm sure she doesn't need that.

IvorHughJarrs · 24/09/2017 23:58

I wouldn't do it. She wanted a card from him not a card with wife on from anybody else

Mxyzptlk · 24/09/2017 23:58

The same as Maggie.
You don't have to do it just because someone else said it.

Littlecaf · 24/09/2017 23:59

I wouldn't do it, but tell her you bought a card and she'll at least be able to appreciate the sentiment

Bizzysocks · 25/09/2017 00:00

No I don't think you should send a card from him.

You could get a photo frame with 'husband and wife' on the farm with a nice picture of them both in.

nevereverever83 · 25/09/2017 00:00

What if he already arranged for someone to send the card on his behalf? My brother did that for me when he was dying. Likewise I have a couple of friends whose parents did the same, one for the next birthday and one for a series of significant birthdays (16, 18, 21, 25, 30).
If he has already arranged to do something like this and you also send one then she will know one is fake. Worst case scenario, she thinks they're both fake. That would be awful.
So, I don't think you should. It's not as if her partner didn't want to if it turns out he didn't arrange this himself but dying is quite all-consuming and it's likely it slipped his mind what with all the other ins and outs of being terminally ill.

MsPassepartout · 25/09/2017 00:00

I wouldn't. It won't be from him.

TheCraicDealer · 25/09/2017 00:01

Did you mean write it as if it’s from him and all? That might be quite upsetting for her, as well as a bit....well, weird. It seems like you’d be putting words in his mouth. That might not bother your or your mum though, and it definitely won’t your stepdad, so it’s up to you.

Personally the only way I would do it would be to write on the inside that she will always be the much loved wife of your SD, on her birthday and every day after that- but be very clear it’s from me.

PlasticPatty · 25/09/2017 00:03

No. Talk to her about it.

AdalindSchade · 25/09/2017 00:04

Nooooo that's unbelievably weird. Don't do that.

Insomnibrat · 25/09/2017 00:06

No I don't think it's wise but totally appreciate your intention is good. x

AnnieAnoniMouse · 25/09/2017 00:06

No, you can't do that. Well, you could, but it wouldn't be right. I'm sure her friend meant well, but no.

I like the idea of buying her a nice (if that's possible) husband & wife photo frame though, that's different.

Sn0tnose · 25/09/2017 00:10

I wouldn't do it. She wanted a 'wife' card from her husband. It's not going to be the same from her daughter, however well meaning and could well make her focus on the fact that he wasn't able to do it for her.

pizzaparty11 · 25/09/2017 00:10

Fuck no! Twisted, sick,weird, wrong maybe even cruel

Original poster
Bippitybopityboo · 25/09/2017 00:10

I didn't mean to trick her into thinking it was from him.
He wouldn't have had change to arrange anything everything happened really quickly at the end.
I definitely won't do that. We had a specific flower at his funreal and I have got her a bouquet of them for tomorrow which I know she will appreciate I think that will be enough of a sentiment. I also like the idea of the frame but they got LOTS of them on their wedding day.

OP posts:
Lucyandpoppy · 25/09/2017 00:11

Been in a similar situation recently. My dad passed away suddenly in January, the last time I saw him we went into clintons and I kind of nudged him over the Valentine's Day card and ask him if he'd got one this year yet and he said no he'll get one closer to the time...obviously there was no closer to the time, he had a heart attack late January. Come Valentine's Day me and my daughter (then 1) made her a Valentine's Day card and sent chocs and my sister sent flowers. So I think it would be nice to send some present from him or a framed photo of them together or some kind of nod to him

Original poster
Bippitybopityboo · 25/09/2017 00:11

I definitely won't send it Smile

OP posts:
GrockleBocs · 25/09/2017 00:17

You can't be her husband no matter how hard you try. Address her envelope to Mrs and acknowledge her status but don't try to fake him.

Fudgefase · 25/09/2017 00:36

No, no, no. It's a nice thought but I feel it would hurt your mum more than help her.

R2G · 25/09/2017 00:47

You should definitely acknowledge it and get a 'him' related gift. I'd be a bit freaked to open a wife card, and then realise it's not them. You might get her hopes up. I'd probably send one acknowledging their love. im sure some flowers to put next to a lovely photo of the couple would be appreciated.

Sn0tnose · 25/09/2017 00:50

I think the bouquet is a lovely idea.

stargazer2030 · 25/09/2017 00:56

It's a lovely thought but perhaps just the flowers. Choosing their special flowers will mean a lot too.
I didn't think think for one minute you intended to pretend it was from him. How strange people assumed that.
I hope the day isn't too difficult for you all.

haveacupoftea · 25/09/2017 01:13

It's so hard to watch your DM going through this pain but nothing you can do can take away the hurt. She has to go through it to heal and her birthday will be another step along the way. You sound like a great daughter

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