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Original poster

Should I send DM birthday card from her DH who passed away?

57 replies

Bippitybopityboo · 24/09/2017 23:54

My mum and her partner were together 20 years. He was told he was terminally ill at the start of the summer and passed away last month.
In his last few months they got married, it was something the always wanted to do but in the end time made the decision for them and it was lovely. Before he passed away my mum told us she hopes he makes it to her birthday so she can have just one 'wife' card. He didn't and her birthday is tomorrow.
At his funeral a close friend of my mum's said to me you have to get her a wife card from him it's so important.
I have got the card but now I'm torn as to weather to send it. I it was me I wouldn't like someone to do that it's a lovely thought but it's not from that person so seems a little strange however I feel awful that someone has said I should do it for her and now I'm not going to. What do you think? it's such a hard situation. I just don't think it's what you do Sad

OP posts:
Snugglepumpkin · 25/09/2017 01:14

Please, don't do this.
I know you mean it with the best of intentions but just no.

Just ask your mum if there is something she would like to do instead.

Spartasprout · 25/09/2017 01:15

What about a memory cushion made from your Dad's clothes? I make these (as do lots of other people) and the comfort they bring is wonderful to see and hear about. Every day I have messages from customers saying that happy tears were cried. Sometimes when you're grief stricken you need something to close your eyes, hold tight and cry into. So sorry for your loss.

Should I send DM birthday card from her DH who passed away?
Spartasprout · 25/09/2017 01:18

I also meant to say that I've spoken to two of my customers who had your scenario happen to them. One was where a card was written in advance, by the deceased partner, which was seen as thoughtful. Another was a lady who received a card in the post and didn't know who had sent it, the handwriting was different etc, and she was very distressed about it. Eventually her brother-in-law said her husband had asked her to do it before he died, when he was too ill to write himself. Unfortunately because it wasn't explained beforehand it upset her so much. I don't think you should do it.

Mxyzptlk · 25/09/2017 01:21

Sorry, I wouldn't like a cushion like that, made from their clothes. Only get that for someone who's said they'll like it.

The bouquet sounds a lovely idea for your mum, OP.

MrsOverTheRoad · 25/09/2017 01:29

I would think of something else like when it's the anniversary of his death, find a poem about the loss of a husband. It will just reinforce that for her.x

Spartasprout · 25/09/2017 01:37

You may not like it Mxyzptlk but it's a great help for bereaved people. Some know they're getting a memory cushion, most receive them as a very thoughtful gift from a family member as a surprise. I've been sent clothing from as long ago as the 1960's that people have kept.

Original poster
Bippitybopityboo · 25/09/2017 01:41

I think you hit the nail on the head saying she wanted a WIFE card from her HUSBAND. I so wish I'd have gotten him one to write while he was still here Sad I won't be writing it out for her.
I love the shirt idea however he literally only wore shirts and my mum has a phobia of bloody buttons of all things! Id love one making for my son though to remember his grandad ❤

OP posts:
kindermog · 25/09/2017 01:53

I'm going against the grain but I would send it. I know it's a "last wish" she expressed rather than him, but as you said, he didn't have chance. If he could have arranged it he would have done. I think it shows great understanding of their relationship and is respectful of what he would have wanted to do if he had chance.

Redglitter · 25/09/2017 02:30

I'm glad you're not sending it. It's an absolutely horrible idea. I can't believe someone suggested it.

MrsOverTheRoad · 25/09/2017 04:57

RedGlitter Hmm It's certainly NOT an "absolutely horrible idea"

It's misguided but comes from love.

Redglitter · 25/09/2017 05:01

IMO yes it most certainly is a horrible idea. You might disagree but that doesn't make my opinion wrong

By all means mark the anniversary but to even contemplate sending a 'To my Wife card when her husband only recently died is awful

MrsOverTheRoad · 25/09/2017 05:04

It's your insensitive attitude and wording I disagree with Glitter it wouldn't hurt you to be slightly nicer.

Redglitter · 25/09/2017 05:05
Hmm
MrsOverTheRoad · 25/09/2017 05:11

Hmm all you like. Your posting style was rude considering OP is feeling upset and worried.

Fruitboxjury · 25/09/2017 05:12

Please don't, something similar happened to me and it really upset me. It felt like someone was messing with my head although it was with the best of intentions.

Just be there for her and perhaps take her to a special place they shared together, let her cry, show her you understand.

Serendip16 · 25/09/2017 05:14

Don't do it. It won't be. From him. Take her out, show her you care, that will mean the most.

Serendip16 · 25/09/2017 05:22

There are a lot of very rude and sometimes cruel posters on this site, I don't know what plwasure they derive from it. The poster wanted to do the best for her mom who is grieving, she is too, well done her, if you can't say something nice to do someone reaching out, do nothing, punch the air.

Serendip16 · 25/09/2017 05:24

Spartasprout, I think that is beautiful idea, it must help a lot of people with their pain of grieving.

CaoNiMartacus · 25/09/2017 05:43

My partner died without sending me a birthday card. If someone sent me one on her behalf, it would absolutely agonise me. Sorry to be dramatic, but it would.

CatsRidingRollercoasters · 25/09/2017 05:45

I wouldn't.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 25/09/2017 05:58

No no no

For natural reasons it does sit right

Spend the time with her instead xx

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 25/09/2017 06:15

Glad you're not going to send it. I do think it has the potential to cause great hurt. There are better ways to mark the day.

MrsTrentReznor · 25/09/2017 06:23

Not RTFT but Nononononono!!
Absolutely not!

MrsTrentReznor · 25/09/2017 06:23

Just seen you're not going to.
Good decision! Smile

bimbobaggins · 25/09/2017 06:47

It was a thoughtful idea op but glad to see you have decided not to send it.