Ive majorly ballsed up, haven't I?

[HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit]

This might be long so bear with me.

My dad has been with his partner for fout or five years. It took a long time for me to meet her - about two/three years. This was partly because when my dad told me about her I said I didn't want to know as my parents had only been split up about six months. I was 19 at the time, at university and really struggling with my mental health. I was depressed and have always struggled with social anxiety.

After around a year of me 'knowing' about this woman I said I'd like to meet her and it still took another year because she kept cancelling on any arrangements to meet up.

She's a nice enough woman and my dad seems to love her very much. She talks very little when I am around her and in total I've probably only met her less than 20 times. Until last year I'd never met her kids. Again arrangements had been made multiple times to meet them but these were cancelled (not by me).

My family home was finally given an offer in November last year after being on the market since my parents split up. On Boxing Day I turned up to see my dad as arranged knowing that this would be the last time I was in my home of 20+ years to find that her kids were there without me knowing they would be. Me and my DP arrived to them already settled in, one of them already settled in to my childhood bedroom and my dad hadn't told me I couldn't stay that night. I probably came across as very awkward and uncomfortable and I did have to leave the house to have a small cry on the street as I found the experience overwhelming. They were aware that me and dp were attended and so had bought us gifts. We were not aware and so had only brought gifts for my father and his partner. I felt embarrassed and my social anxiety completely took over. I probably came across as very rude as I hardly speak when the anxiety takes over (too busy having panic attacks). The night was not a complete disaster however as eventually I loosened up a little. I felt worried I'd shown myself up to be an arse and had upset my dad but he seemed ok with it all.

That was the only time I've met my dads partners daughter, I've met her son once or twice since then. However her daughter invited myself and DP to her wedding and I felt obligated for my father to say yes. In hindsight I should have declined.

Wedding was this weekend and it was a disaster for my anxiety. Obviously knew very few people there. My dad clearly has a much closer relationship to his stepchildren as I do to his partner as he has moved far away to live with her now the house is sold. I blindly assumed me and dp would be sat with my dad at the wedding but he was at the top table. We were sat with a group of randomers (I know this is common at weddings but my social anxiety really struggles with 'small talk') and for the whole ceremony I felt uncomfortable as everyone was talking fondly about a bride or groom I'd only met once before. I didn't have any funny stories - I hardly knew them. All the speeches and the table conversation felt alien to me. It felt like hell sitting through it all and I felt guilty that I was runining the day for the bride and groom and other guests as I was so out of place. I had multiplied mini panic attacks throughout the meal.

After the meal I told my dad I was going to lie down in the room for a bit as I was feeling unwell and I didn't know if me and dp would return. I honestly didn't think we would be missed as we hardly know her. I was wrong. My dads partner was fuming the morning after that we had disappeared and the bride and groom felt snubbed. I now feel that after two awful first impressions my dads new family must despise me.

I was completely unreasonable wasn't I.

Im not married?

Just explain what happened. Reasonable people can be reasonable. If they don't like your explanation then that's their issue, you tried. Try not to beat yourself up about it, it is a difficult situation for everyone involved.

SloeSloe

Op turned up on Boxing Day to find the stepmothers family installed in her family home. Her father had failed to mention this. Nor had he mentioned op and her dp would not be able to stay. It used to be her home fgs.

Clearly as the stepsister has recently married, we aren't talking about a child, who was sleeping in ops childhood bedroom of 20 years. She most certainly had no more right to be there than op, rather less I would say. It was especially callous to install her in ops former bedroom when the house was just about to be sold.

It was normal and natural at that moment in time to feel that her life has been completely usurped by this woman and her family.

My dads partner was fuming the morning after that we had disappeared and the bride and groom felt snubbed

I don't believe the bride , who barely knows you , and the groom who presumably couldn't have picked you out of the crowd if he'd been asked to, even noticed.

Somebody is stirring things. You were effectively ill. Are they really suggesting a guest who is ill isn't allowed to leave fat?

Glad you're going to get some help for your anxiety OP as it does seem fairly debilitating. I agree with most posters that you should send a short thank you note to the bride and groom briefly apologising for leaving early as you were unwell. I doubt they were fuming or even really noticed, sounds like a bit of hyperbole to me by your Dad's partner who might have insisted to her DD that she invited you and was then hypersensitive to any perceived slight.

I don't think your Dad has behaved brilliantly tbh. I think you should have probably realised there was a chance you wouldn't be sat with him at the wedding but I think the Boxing Day thing was very thoughtless and he shouldn't bad mouth your Mum in front of you.

As others have said you have a right to your feelings. Maybe you need to work on telling other people what you think in a constructive way- e.g. on Boxing Day "Dad, you didn't tell me x and x were coming to stay, I'm embarrassed as I don't have presents for them and I came expecting to have a last night in my old bedroom, why didn't you give me a heads up?" and "Dad, please don't bad mouth Mum in front of me, it makes me feel very awkward and uncomfortable and she doesn't do it about you". If you can't tell him these things then maybe you need to think about how good your relationship actually is and whether it's worth you continuing to invest in it.

Ideally of course you would all get on together and it does sound as though your Dads partners family have made efforts and are possibly very nice people but you need to be a bit more assertive going forward.

Leave early not leave fat.

I don't think you did anything wrong at the wedding. I think your father's partner has an agenda and is manufacturing an insult where none was intended and no reasonable person would think otherwise.

If the bride and groom had their day impacted by one guest leaving the room early, then they can't have been very excited about getting married. I wouldn't even have noticed at my wedding, I was too busy having a good time! Agree with lass above that this is someone trying to manufacture offence where none was actually taken.

Turn it around on them, why were they not more concerned about how ill you were? You are very offended and upset about their lack of care!

Could it be this was an opportunity for your Father to say to his DP's family, oh my DD, SIL & DS are coming, can't wait for you to meet them. Then people approached SM & Father to say aww where's your children, he had to explain that you'd both decided to call it a day.

Can you see why it would be embarrassing. They coughed up for food & drink, then both DB & yourself decided to retire to bed.

Your Father knows that his DS won't care, so you shoulder it all. Since DP & DB was there, so you weren't stranded so to speak.

Another hypothetical example, in years to come you have a similar situation, you want your DC to meet your DP's family, but DC have vanished. You've spent ages telling people about DC. Doesn't leave the best of impressions, you're left trying to talk your way out of a huge hole, as it looks a certain way to others.

The perception may not be the truth, but it still leaves an impression.

On the day I moved out of the family home my bed was barely cold before WW3 started on who should get it. It's always flummoxed me how someone I know has a bedroom at their parents, but if the sibling stays, they're relegated to a blow up mattress as growing up it was the other persons room.

I think part of the problem is you never really got on with your Dad, now is a bit late in the day to play happy families.

Can you see the wedding situation as I've explained it? Your Father has talked up his kids to his new in laws, then when dinner was done both your DB & yourself retire upstairs with no real reason they know about.

From the rest of the picture that's been painted of OP's dad, I'm not sure he will have been talking up his kids to his new family.

I do think there is a little bit of that with my dad everything and he probably feels very embarrassed by me and my brother.

OP, don't be like me and spend the next 20 years trying to meet their approval, because it won't happen. The day my DF met my 'stepmother' was the day I lost him. We lost my DM when I was 21.

Her family came first, voiced not very nice opinions of me, my brothers and my DC, and my Dad went along with it all for peace. I spent hours and hours of my life being upset about it all.
The worst thing, he apologised 'for all I'd had to put up with' over the years, so he knew! That was the final hurt, well not exactly - at his funeral me and my family were sat 8 rows back in the crematorium.

I wanted to keep him close, but wasn't allowed to. I used to visit him when I knew he would be in alone for a short time.

Your DF has totally let you down and will continue to do so, so do what I wished I had done all those years ago, stop trying to win their approval and live your life well, making sure you never make another person feel the way your DF has you.

for you. Feel better soon.

Anxiety or not, you do sound like you have made things quite hard work for his dad and his new partner. And it's not surprising you didn't know many people at the wedding/could share anecdotes as a result.

I think you dad must have been very hurt that you left the wedding early.

I do understand, I am very shy, hate weddings, small talk etc etc. But you really need to try to overcome this. If I were you I would have been honest with your step mum and explained about your anxiety. Be open.

I would be interested how you managed to meet your husband, work or doing any activities at all with such an ailment. In fact you were away at University which seems amazing if it is as bad as you say. It seems more likely that it is a ploy to get out of situations. This maybe ok (although I am not sure) when your a child but you are an adult and need to think about other people.
I am unsure why everyone wants to blame your Dad as it seems he has been shafted by his children. I would be gutted if it took my kids years to spare time for my new partner I had should me and DH split.

I have social anxiety but I'm not an Agrophobe. University was difficult for me in some ways but I still made some friends. I'm not a total hermit. I work in a job which requires me speaking to lots of people but I don't struggle with that as much because I have a role and I know what I need to say to people. I find situations where I am sat with a bunch of strangers and have to 'talk amongst yourselves' incredibly difficult but I don't have issues talking or chatting to my friends. I will avoid making phone calls like the plague and will let my dp do the talking for me in shops and restaurants.

I know I made it difficult in the beginning by saying I didn't want to meet her. I hold my hands up to that. But when I was ready it still took another year as she cancelled arranged meetings at least four times. Same with her children, meetings were arranged, I made dinner reservations for restaurants etc for my dad to ring me a few days before and say it was no longer a good time.

There's loads of people on this thread who clearly don't understand anxiety. It's a mental health issue FGS. It's not 'nerves' or 'shyness' or a 'ploy'. Many people with mental health issues have good days and bad, and things might be ok until certain triggers present themselves.

I also don't see how you've made things hard for them - you clearly attempted many meetings that were cancelled in the past.

I agree with those who say there is more to the upset at the wedding. The bride barely knows you, would she really be bothered that you were ill and left early?

Sounds to me like the problem is your fathers new partner - she made it so you didn't meet her or her children for ages, presumably she arranged for her children to stay in your family home, she will have arranged where your father sat at the wedding, and she is the one who is angry that you went to bed early.

MadisonMontgomery your totally right, it's all her and the father is a puppet. Plus he horrible about your mother you shouldn't have to put up with that it's not fair.

I think you need to find and acknowledge your anger. I get the impression that you are suppressing a lot of anger which is manifesting as anxiety. Your feelings are just as valuable as anyone else's. You are entitled to a vote too!

As a child of divorced parents I completely get the suppression of your own self so as not to upset anyone else. It's like a freezing up of the natural flow of emotions that leads to panicky flight responses. That fear that if you express yourself you'll be viewed as hysterical or unreasonable, or making things worse (God forbid rocking the boat!).

The good news is as an adult you have choices. It's not navel gazing to try to figure out why you feel like you do. It's regaining your sense of self and autonomy over your own life.

In your shoes I'd take a break from your dad. Don't chase after him so much. Take some space to work out how you feel. Don't be pushed into getting back in step with the social conventions demanded by others. They are not there for your benefit but to make others feel better.

bambam I think there is some truth to that. I feel a lot of anger towards my dad about situations which have happened but I've never told him. When I start to I feel guilty and try and play it off that I'm not annoyed.

I've just spoken with my mum about the weekend and its helped a lot. I've made enquiries with some local counsellors and therapists and have arranged to see my aunt who I've not seen properly since my parents split up and who I really miss.

Just to clarify, I suggested that the fuming might be more your Dad's partner than the bride and groom but I don't want to demonise the woman. As with most things in life this situation is likely to be all sorts of shades of grey with issues mostly due to large amount of miscommunication.

OP what's done is done and you need to work out how best to move forward. If your anxiety is such that you can't sit at a table at a wedding with your partner and brother without having panic attacks then you need some help and I know you recognise this.

I can also see how your Dad and his partner might have been embarrassed by you disappearing early and attribute it to rudeness or not caring. This is why I think a nice thank you note and a brief apology and explanation is a good idea.

I also think you have to work out how to deal with your Dad and his partners family in the future. You don't have to and should make it clear you won't listen to any nastiness about your mum. Maybe you could use this as a opportunity to say to your Dad and his partner "look I found it hard when you first met but Im happy for you and I want our families to get on, let's try again" and then try and be a bit more assertive in saying what you feel and what you would and would not like to do.

I agree with Bambam's good post.

If your father has always been do insensitive, I imagine that's why you don't feel entitled at all and are trying so hard to please him

The OP brings to mind the way, in our culture, it is traditional for the man to delegate all of the organising of family stuff and emotional care to the wife/mother.

I think your dad needs it pointing out to him that if he wants a relationship with his children he needs to pay attention to your needs and cultivate that relationship. His new wife won't do it, as she's already doing it for her children.

And it's not surprising you didn't know many people at the wedding/could share anecdotes as a result

She didn't know many people because she doesn't know the bride and groom.

How on earth do you think the OP would have "shared anecdotes" about them? The OP and the bride didn't grow up together. She only met the bride for the first time last year when they were both adults. The step family have hardly been enthusiastic about meeting the OP.

The OP had met the bride once before the wedding. Whoever planned the wedding sat the OP at a table of the bride and groom's friends where the OP didn't know anyone.