Ive majorly ballsed up, haven't I?

[HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit]

This might be long so bear with me.

My dad has been with his partner for fout or five years. It took a long time for me to meet her - about two/three years. This was partly because when my dad told me about her I said I didn't want to know as my parents had only been split up about six months. I was 19 at the time, at university and really struggling with my mental health. I was depressed and have always struggled with social anxiety.

After around a year of me 'knowing' about this woman I said I'd like to meet her and it still took another year because she kept cancelling on any arrangements to meet up.

She's a nice enough woman and my dad seems to love her very much. She talks very little when I am around her and in total I've probably only met her less than 20 times. Until last year I'd never met her kids. Again arrangements had been made multiple times to meet them but these were cancelled (not by me).

My family home was finally given an offer in November last year after being on the market since my parents split up. On Boxing Day I turned up to see my dad as arranged knowing that this would be the last time I was in my home of 20+ years to find that her kids were there without me knowing they would be. Me and my DP arrived to them already settled in, one of them already settled in to my childhood bedroom and my dad hadn't told me I couldn't stay that night. I probably came across as very awkward and uncomfortable and I did have to leave the house to have a small cry on the street as I found the experience overwhelming. They were aware that me and dp were attended and so had bought us gifts. We were not aware and so had only brought gifts for my father and his partner. I felt embarrassed and my social anxiety completely took over. I probably came across as very rude as I hardly speak when the anxiety takes over (too busy having panic attacks). The night was not a complete disaster however as eventually I loosened up a little. I felt worried I'd shown myself up to be an arse and had upset my dad but he seemed ok with it all.

That was the only time I've met my dads partners daughter, I've met her son once or twice since then. However her daughter invited myself and DP to her wedding and I felt obligated for my father to say yes. In hindsight I should have declined.

Wedding was this weekend and it was a disaster for my anxiety. Obviously knew very few people there. My dad clearly has a much closer relationship to his stepchildren as I do to his partner as he has moved far away to live with her now the house is sold. I blindly assumed me and dp would be sat with my dad at the wedding but he was at the top table. We were sat with a group of randomers (I know this is common at weddings but my social anxiety really struggles with 'small talk') and for the whole ceremony I felt uncomfortable as everyone was talking fondly about a bride or groom I'd only met once before. I didn't have any funny stories - I hardly knew them. All the speeches and the table conversation felt alien to me. It felt like hell sitting through it all and I felt guilty that I was runining the day for the bride and groom and other guests as I was so out of place. I had multiplied mini panic attacks throughout the meal.

After the meal I told my dad I was going to lie down in the room for a bit as I was feeling unwell and I didn't know if me and dp would return. I honestly didn't think we would be missed as we hardly know her. I was wrong. My dads partner was fuming the morning after that we had disappeared and the bride and groom felt snubbed. I now feel that after two awful first impressions my dads new family must despise me.

I was completely unreasonable wasn't I.

I'm not sure you did anything wrong, it was 8pm and you went to bed, you did not make a scene oppression offend everyone.

I would say it's their issues, I think your dad wants a happy blended family without wanting to do any of the groundwork

I don't see what the father has done wrong other than not warn you the kids would be there? It possibly didn't occur to him, how old are you now, 24? Yes possibly he doesn't understand mental health problems, and lacked thought or sensitivity, but that's not shafting you. I don't think people should be saying awful things about him.

He probably thought you were able to cope at the wedding without sitting next to him as you had your partner, of course he would be at the top table, he's been with the brides mother for five years, it would be weird if he was sat apart and I'd assume he thought you'd know that.

I do think you have to seek some help, first with your anxiety, and secondly with dealing with your parents marriage break up. Your partner is right. You don't need to live with social anxiety.

I wouldn't stress about the wedding, at most just say sorry, I was ill and leave it there. Focus on getting on top of the anxiety and dealing with the marriage break up.💐

I think my dad thought he would be sat with us also as he was looking for his name on our table.

I know they (at least my dads partner) was pissed because he and his partner told me the next morning. I apologised to his partner but didn't get a chance to say sorry to bride and groom. They were all just as angry with my brother but he didn't say sorry because he genuinely doesn't care.

Plans have been made for meals in my cit several times but they haven't materialised. When I go to visit my dad in his new home and stay for a weekend I only see her youngest child so I have met him twice and on those occasions we have got on quite well.

We all live in three different uk countries so that makes it difficult in many ways to organise something (the daughter lives in wales whilst my dad has moved to scotland where his partner lives).

I am not sure why you thought you would be sat with your DF as that is not how the top table is made up.

Your DF sounds thoughtless in his actions.

Weddings are hard if you do not know a lot of the people. We were at a relatives wedding and whilst it was lovely to see them being married I did retreat to our lovely room for a bit in the evening as a bit overwhelmed with all the noise and people.Luckily my relatives are reasonable people so didnt mind. I wonder if you were telling your DF every time you had a wobble ? I can see why your SM would find that annoying - in this situation the only focus for the day should be the marrying couple - but this may not be th case so ignore me if you were discrete about it.

It sounds like getting help with the anxiety is the right way to go.I would send them a note but focus more on them - how nice it was to see them getting married, rather than you. Invite them over for dinner. May not work out but at least you can say you tried.

I don't suffer from social anxiety (quite the opposite) but I would have felt decidedly uncomfortable and a bit freaked out if my father installed his new family in the family home for the night.

And I get the thing about the wedding, too - I'm inclined to swerve weddings if I don't know anyone among the guests.

I think your dad has been quite insensitive, and handled things badly. I also think the letters of explanation as suggested above are a good idea.

Definitely go and see your GP. There are strategies to help with managing social anxiety that work, and hopefully he/she will be refer you.

Your dad sounds like he is very insensitive. So does his wife. He should have been there to defend you at the wedding. And he certainly shouldn't have let his wife's daughter stay in your bedroom. It is a shame you didn't ask her to leave your room tbh. And I think it is bizarre she thought it was acceptable to stay in your bedroom. I therefore think he has married into a family similar to him.

With this in mind, I'd send a thank you card and say the wedding was lovely and the bride looked beautiful. You are sorry they noticed you slipped away to lie down as you felt unwell.

Show the least amount of vulnerability possible. Stop explaining yourself. Stop expecting to be accepted for who you are. They aren't prepared to unfortunately and it will save you a lot of heartache if you start to appreciate this.

I would send the bride and groom a card saying thank you for inviting me, it was so kind of you and you both looked radiant etc. I just wanted to apologise for leaving the evening early but I wasn't feeling very well. It was a lovely occasion and I wish you all the very best in your married life together.

Then leave it alone. Don't go out of your way to cultivate relationships or occasions you don't really want. Concentrate instead on getting some help for your anxiety.

I dont mean to sound mean but my reaction is:

I think you sound overly drama-creating. I get the anxiety thing, but we all experience nerves and anxiety at events where we dont know anyone. Its part of life.
The house thing...again, I think it was an overreaction. Many people dont even have the luxury of having grown up in the same one house their whole youth.

You can say your dad should have been more empathetic etc, but the bottom line for me personally is that you're an adult now. Its time to let things go, move on with your life, seek an adult relationship with your dad and his partner, free from complicated dynamics and emotions.

Of course it wasnt your intention, but in both these situations you've made it aboit you. Your emotions. Your anxiety. Your worries. Your feelings. Not how your father might feel, or his partner, or the bride.

Its time to grow up a little and make space for not overthinking your feelings. Anxiety is not a reason to indulge in navel gazing.

Wish you all the best x

No you really don't get it splendid. Any of it.

I really wasn't just thinking about me. I can assure you.

OK.

I thought by ending your post with "I was completely unreasonable wasn't I" you were inviting different POVs and feedback, but if what you were really after was 3 pages of people telling you the whole world is out to get you and you dont need to learn to manage your feelings, then....as you were.

No I am happy to take the feedback and I agree with most of your post but I don't believe I was just thinking about myself and my feelings. That's not how my anxiety manifests itself - rather I was worried I was ruining the day for the bride and groom and her mother and my father. I hold my hands up and admit I didn't really think that they would miss me at all and that was a mistake, but I wasn't thinking only of me.

Splendid
Op does need to learn to manage her feelings. Definitely. But not by denying them. By accepting them. For only by doing this can she accept the reality of the situation. Then she can assert herself and create new boundaries and decide what she does and doesn't like or will and won't accept.

After sleeping on it, I have another thought. Your father keeps creating situations were you look bad, and he looks like a victim of his first family. There is a gain for him in you looking awkward. He has a narrative to maintain with them about how horrible your mother was, and how awful (or ungrateful or however he is spinning it) you and your brother are. That's why you ended up at a Christmas party where other people had gifts for you, but you didn't even know they were going to be there. That's why you now feel like you have to walk on egg shells around his new family.

It's just a theory - but it would explain why he is very different now than he was when you were a teenager, and why situations keep coming up where you look bad.

Is he a narcissist?

I also think that @Mummyoflittledragon had great advice.

Interesting theory Coyote. It is likely her father has no concept that this is what he's doing. Unless he's a psychopath.

Thanks for your comment about what I've said. Comes from personal experience of dealing with my mother, brother and sil. . This thread has given me a bit of an eureka moment of how they view me actually.

OP I think the majority of posters have been entirely supportive and I agree your dad has behaved badly here not you. Say sorry by sending a card to the bridge and groom, move on, don't see them unless you have to and book up for counselling. You have done nothing wrong, I would have felt the same.

The type of nerves and anxiety everybody experiences at events like this is very very different to the debilitating social anxiety the OP is describing.

OP I get it. I also would have assumed I wouldn't be missed at a big event where I didn't really know the people. Or if my absence had been noticed, I'd probably assume it wouldn't be considered a big deal. And I wouldn't have wanted to stay and experience a big panic attack that might negatively affect other people too. So I can understand why you left. And in the context of how unwell you were feeling, I don't think you did anything wrong. If you'd had a physical ailment that was making you feel that bad you'd probably have gone for a lie down too. You've apologised to your dad's partner, so all you can really do is apologise to the couple, explain exactly how difficult socialising is for you and how awful you were feeling, and start looking at getting yourself some help to manage your anxiety.

And truly don't beat yourself up. If you can start to properly manage the anxiety there'll be other opportunities in the future to show these people the real you, who you are without this debilitating illness getting in your way. It will be ok.

splendid
It doesn't sound as if you get op's anxiety at all.
I have General anxiety disorder. This doesn't mean I get a bit nervous and anxious in certain situations. This means when I hit one of my triggers -for op this is social situations it seems- I go into fight or flight I get a huge surge of adrenaline and have all these symptoms that comes with that so i am trying to cope with that and act normally in the situation i am in but its like your entire system is screaming at you. I can't focus on anyone or anything else. Then it starts to subside and boom it hits you again and again it is just so tiring.

Its not just being a bit nervous

I'm pretty shocked that you got home to find someone else sleeping in your bedroom. I would have been furious and really, really upset about that. I really think that your father needs to take a lot more responsibility for including you in appropriate ways in his new family.

Lots of people giving good advice so I will just chip in to suggest that you practice caring a little less about gaining other people's approval and caring a little more about them gaining your approval. For some of us a tough bit of growing up is realising that the hunger for parental approval may never be satisfied and that is not because you don't deserve it, but because they are just not quite up to the job of showing you that you are loved and valued unconditionally in a way that is meaningful to you or that you feel you need.

Stop believing that if only you were perfect the anxiety would go away. It's the opposite, the harder you try the worse it gets.

OP please don't give splendid's comments anither thought, you have enough going on. I too think coyote has a very interesting theory. Do you feel manipulated because I think it's selfish or worse to treat you in this way. Time to take a stand. No arguments or standing your ground given your anxiety why put yourself through it. Actions speak louder than words. Would your dad get in touch with you if you didn't make the first move? Be kind to yourself you have tried several times, you are a grown woman and do not deserve to be left feeling like this.

In my experience being the child of divorced parents carries with it situations that we have to deal with for the rest of our lives. Because we are 'adults' we are supposed to get on with it - but unless you've been there it's really hard to articulate how hard it is to deal with the feelings that these new family arrangements, that we did not choose, can hurt.

You're not wrong to feel upset. Don't beat yourself up about it. Yes, maybe get some professional support, but do that for you.

I've been there. I really sympathise.

Your dad has managed this whole situation pretty poorly. I can't believe he allowed his stepchildren to spend the night in your childhood bedroom on the last night before the house was sold, that is incredibly insensitive, what was he thinking?

It might not seem this way, but this is very early days and you have, by the sounds of it, decades to set this right with the new family if that's what you want. I think you could have handled the wedding more graciously, but god knows your dad could have too.

Good luck.

Does your dad know how upset you were about step sibling staying in your room?

Tentatively - this is no longer the OPs room - she married and moved into her own property.

@SloeSloeQuickQuickGin

Yep.