Ive majorly ballsed up, haven't I?

[HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit]

This might be long so bear with me.

My dad has been with his partner for fout or five years. It took a long time for me to meet her - about two/three years. This was partly because when my dad told me about her I said I didn't want to know as my parents had only been split up about six months. I was 19 at the time, at university and really struggling with my mental health. I was depressed and have always struggled with social anxiety.

After around a year of me 'knowing' about this woman I said I'd like to meet her and it still took another year because she kept cancelling on any arrangements to meet up.

She's a nice enough woman and my dad seems to love her very much. She talks very little when I am around her and in total I've probably only met her less than 20 times. Until last year I'd never met her kids. Again arrangements had been made multiple times to meet them but these were cancelled (not by me).

My family home was finally given an offer in November last year after being on the market since my parents split up. On Boxing Day I turned up to see my dad as arranged knowing that this would be the last time I was in my home of 20+ years to find that her kids were there without me knowing they would be. Me and my DP arrived to them already settled in, one of them already settled in to my childhood bedroom and my dad hadn't told me I couldn't stay that night. I probably came across as very awkward and uncomfortable and I did have to leave the house to have a small cry on the street as I found the experience overwhelming. They were aware that me and dp were attended and so had bought us gifts. We were not aware and so had only brought gifts for my father and his partner. I felt embarrassed and my social anxiety completely took over. I probably came across as very rude as I hardly speak when the anxiety takes over (too busy having panic attacks). The night was not a complete disaster however as eventually I loosened up a little. I felt worried I'd shown myself up to be an arse and had upset my dad but he seemed ok with it all.

That was the only time I've met my dads partners daughter, I've met her son once or twice since then. However her daughter invited myself and DP to her wedding and I felt obligated for my father to say yes. In hindsight I should have declined.

Wedding was this weekend and it was a disaster for my anxiety. Obviously knew very few people there. My dad clearly has a much closer relationship to his stepchildren as I do to his partner as he has moved far away to live with her now the house is sold. I blindly assumed me and dp would be sat with my dad at the wedding but he was at the top table. We were sat with a group of randomers (I know this is common at weddings but my social anxiety really struggles with 'small talk') and for the whole ceremony I felt uncomfortable as everyone was talking fondly about a bride or groom I'd only met once before. I didn't have any funny stories - I hardly knew them. All the speeches and the table conversation felt alien to me. It felt like hell sitting through it all and I felt guilty that I was runining the day for the bride and groom and other guests as I was so out of place. I had multiplied mini panic attacks throughout the meal.

After the meal I told my dad I was going to lie down in the room for a bit as I was feeling unwell and I didn't know if me and dp would return. I honestly didn't think we would be missed as we hardly know her. I was wrong. My dads partner was fuming the morning after that we had disappeared and the bride and groom felt snubbed. I now feel that after two awful first impressions my dads new family must despise me.

I was completely unreasonable wasn't I.

Your dad's treated you badly and been thoughtless about your feelings. I would have been very upset to find someone else's child taking up my childhood bedroom when paying a final visit to my old family home - your dad seems very insensitive to not have made that easier for you. The wedding stuff could perhaps have been anticipated but again, no effort from your dad to help you out there or defend you. Frankly I would give up bothering with the lot of them.

Selsigfach there's so much wrong with that sentence not least it's total lack of compassion.

Op not sure if posting in AIBU is a wise move for someone experiencing anxiety, you are going to get some crappy responses as a lot of people don't get that anxiety can be quite debilitating. However previous posters are right in that there is help out there, please go and see your GP, it sounds like you have blown the two episodes out of proportion which happens when your thinking is distorted.

mrs I did think twice about posting in aibu but I want people to be as brutally honest with me as possible.

I'm definitely going to see my Gp.

However will say your dad sounds like a self absorbed arse really. Try and take a leaf out of his book and focus on what will make you happy.

I agree with selsigfach, see your GP and get him or her to refer you for CBT for social anxiety (though the therapists will do an assessment to check what you need to target). You might also find that some supportive counselling would be helpful - counselling is the traditional talking therapy, it's less structured than CBT and would give you a safe non judgemental space to talk through what's gone on in the past with your relationships and your family dynamic. The CBT is a more structured approach looking at how your thoughts and behaviours impact how you feel, helping you to recognise unhelpful patterns of thinking and behaving and to change them. CBT is particularly helpful with anxiety disorders. It's not advised to do two different therapies at the same time. Waiting lists at IAPT (NHS taking therapies - counselling and CBT) can be very long, for a private therapist have a look for an accredited therapist on the BABCP website. You can change your responses with help.

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's a very difficult situation for the best of us. It sounds like you try more than anyone and especially your dad. You are accepting of them and not being given any understanding it seems. One example you give is that xmas when they coukd have easily told you warned you in advance and for your bedroom to be occupied etc was totally inconsiderate!

Don’t give yourself a hard time. What you dad did on Boxing Day makes him an absolute twat. Did he give you any reason to think your room had been taken over?

It does sound like you could do with help, but your dad is a self absorbed arse, as a pp put it. That night in your old house would have been completely different if he'd thought you might like to have your room one more time. Your step siblings don't give a damn about the house- why should they have stayed? I'd have thrown a tantrum and told him to take them somewhere else or make them a bed in the living room.
The wedding would have been completely different if he'd called to share the table seating so you were prewarned, which wouldn't be that unusual given the circs.
Hopefully getting some help also helps you step back from your dad. Where possible I'd communicate directly with his new family as I wouldn't trust him. Draw on your brother for support - sounds like he is managing it well :)

I feel for you OP, please don't think you have to keep apologising to them as you don't.

Try to adopt the "I don't give a fuck" attitude that your brother and dad seem to have! Not telling you about your room being used at Christmas and the drama from the wedding sounds like it's coming from you're dads wife. If you hardly know her kids why could you going to your room "early" affect her wedding evening when she had loads of others she knows well there. Don't apologise please, but do seek help for managing anxiety.

Who told you that your dad's dp was fuming and that the bride and groom felt snubbed? Sounds like someone is shit-stirring, deliberately or not.
You are overthinking about the wedding. It was their big day; they won't have been thinking much about you. Maybe send a text saying you had a nice time, sorry you didn't say goodbye, but that's it. No need to do anything else really.

Your dad was insensitive having his DP's kids stay in your old room, but everything else sounds like a mix of your anxiety (that you need to get help with) and someone telling you stuff you don't need to know. Eg; that your dads DP 'was fuming.'

Hope you feel better after a good night's sleep.

I'm definitely going to see my Gp. You've got some healing to do and i reckon its started, best of luck Honey biccy:-)

relatives can be bloody hard work at the best of times;!

Don't think you've ballsed up. Think you need to see your GP.
I doubt that anyone was fuming about you going off to bed early, and if they were that's their problem really.

It sounds like you need to be kinder to yourself - weddings can be very fraught for all sorts of reasons. If there was a general exodus someone might have been fuming but it won't have been your fault. I doubt the bride and groom or her mum were at all bothered by you going to have a lie down.

You don't have to have any sort of relationship with your Dad's new family if you don't want to. They're strangers to you. Who cares what they think?

Don't accept total responsibility for keeping the relationship with your Dad going strong - you shouldn't have to always be the sensible/responsible adult one - he's the parent even if you are now an adult.

Maybe it would be good for you to talk to someone about your issues/anxiety?

I think it sounds like your dad sounds like an ass. He let one of his step kids stay in your old room, in what would have been your last night ever in the room, and didn't even tell you about it? That would upset any one.

I think that your father is making things much, much worse, rather than trying to make them better. Could you stop yourself from caring about what is going on with his new family and if they like you, and focus on your own happiness?

I know that it's hard to let of people liking us, but it can be quite liberating. After all, do you like these people? Have they done or said anything kind to you? Do they seem to realize you are a person with feelings?

I think your dad doesn't understand anxiety and like a lot of the older generation doesn't see it as a reason for avoidance or uncomfortable behavior. I really don't think he takes your feelings into account at all. Perhaps calling him out on things would lead to a better relationship in the future. For example, there is no way I would sit and listen to my df being rude about my DM, it's disrespectful to the both of you.

Make suggestions to him regarding how you might deal with getting to know the rest of the new family. Arrange things yourself. It will take a bit of work on your behalf (I do understand social anxiety), but the more you control the easier it will be.
Alternatively, if no one seems inclined to go along with your arrangements, just leave them to it and don't bother.
Agree that writing to the bride and groom saying how lovely the wedding was and apologizing for slipping away is the best thing where that is concerned.

My advice would be don't send a massive apology. I would definitely send a thank you card to your dad's wife and to the couple. Thank you cards saying what a lovely day it was, and you were sorry not to have been able to stay longer but had struggled on for the meal, and had been feeling unwell that day, but it was great to get to know them a bit better and thanks so much for the invite. You don't need to explain what kind of unwell. Don't be too giving. I can completely understand where you're coming from on both occasions. Concentrate on your dad and sharing your news and life with him. You don't owe anyone anything and are allowed to feel. You're not on trial x

My brother was there and went to his room the same time as us but he's got much more of a 'I don't give a fuck' attitude and so doesn't care if he hashave upset anyone (I wish I could adopt this). I often have to be the 'adult' one because of this.

Was your dad's partner fuming about your brother as well, or just you?
I agree with others; your dad is letting you down, here.

If you don't want a relationship with them, don't. You don't have to.

It sounds, to me, like they have tried to have one with you and you've been quite rude about it. If they didn't make any effort at all, there would probably be a post about that.

Decide what you want and go forward with that. Can't change what's happened but if you don't want to be welcomed into this 'new' family, just step back and maybe see your dad on your own.

It's nice you give a fuck, but don't give SO MUCH of a fuck OP xx it's good you looked after yourself x

Thanks for all the kind words. It's given me a lot to think about.

You cant help your social anxiety. At some point (hopefully) you will learn to manage it. Few people can work a room - they are generally natural raconteurs and second hand care salesmen

If we are looking at this bluntly, your step sister probably had her arm forced up her back to invite you too, out of deference to your father. She doesn't know you from Adam and has to fork out for two covers at her wedding.

Everyone seems to be doing what they think is the right thing in this situation. Two families have come together, and there will be a plethora of extended invitations. If I were you, and you don't manage to cope with situations like this, then if you want to continue to be a member of this wider family, the onus is on you to see people on your terms, but the effort has to be made. So whether that is small dinners out, or round your house then so be it. Don't go out of your way (as seems to be suggested on this thread) to ostracise and make enemies of your step family.

Anxiety is a bitch
And your Dad lacks emotional intelligence in a major major way

Write apologise and explain it wasn't a personal snub but you felt really sick and had to lie down

Consider addressing your anxiety as a priority my dear you are young and have a long life to live ahead of you

Actually do what RG2 did !

Does your dad know how upset you were about step sibling staying in your room? If not why not -is it because you pretended everything was fine?

You don't have to pretend everything is fine. As pp said you're allowed emotions. Any mh professional will tell you surpressing them is not good for your mh.

Your parents are the ones who caused this situation. You don't need to be hiding or apologising for your own very natural and understandable emotional reactions. I'm pretty sure your step siblings can understand, after all it is very likely their parents have also divorced and their childhood home has been sold - don't know the background. Why not ask/share.