DP swore at me

[myusernameisnotmyusername]

So DP annoyed me last night snoring so badly I had to sleep on sofa. I took dd to soft play today to give us a bit of space. DP home by himself. He's done a bit of tidying and made lunches for me and him for the week. I grumbled a bit he hadn't done hoovering upstairs as I always seem to do it. Stupid quarrel really. But what's really bothered me is he shouted and told me to fuck off and piss off while dd in another room but in earshot. We've been together 15 years and are happy together but I don't how annoyed I should be about this.

Hold on- when did I not say thanks!

Thanks gorgo

You were unreasonable if I'm honest. Firstly, for being stroppy over him snoring and then flr being annoyed thay he hadn't psychicly worked out which were the fun jobs you wanted.
But you've been told that enough on this thread.

Maybe you both need to reflect on how you speak to each other though. Yes, he swore but you also undermined him in earshot of ypur child

I think some people are missing the point a bit here. Yes I was unreasonable for moaning but my issue was his use of swearing at me to be annoyed with me. I came on here for some perspective and to see other viewpoints and it's been great for that so thanks. I'm feeling people are having a go at me for being ungrateful and missing the point of my thread. Should I accept being spoken to like that by my partner then because I'm being ungrateful. Also I reiterate I did loads of housework even before he got up yesterday which I didn't expect to be thanked for.

Has anyone on here ever lived with a partner who snores by the way? It really disrupts your sleep and when partner has four beers on a Saturday night and snores so loudly you can hear him downstairs I think I anbu to be a bit annoyed over that!

It wouldn't bother me ! I would be delighted that he cleaned and made lunch

My standard are very very low though

Some people are definitely missing the point here probably deliberately. You don't have to put up with being shouted and sworn at, especially in front of the children. Pull him up on it every single time (just make sure you are not speaking to him in the same way).

My DH and I swear like troopers but we do it about things never AT each other! I would take very dim view of it and so would DH. If I ever felt genuinely angry enough to tell him to fuck off then I actually would be questioning the marriage.

In your situation you were ratty having not had sleep because of his snoring. The conversation, not argument, should have been about different sleeping arrangements, him looking into solutions to minimise the snoring. Not being upset about hoovering.

Calmanrose. You and your husband are obviously better than anyone else here. I'm so impressed with your standards. Tell me more about them.

me and dh have never sworn at each other (altough no doubt have done so but not out loud )
mainly because he is too well brought up and my parents had a miserable car crash of a marraige and swore at each other all the time

OP do you also swear at him?
Does he do it often?

Sometimes but not when dd is around. My issue is when he gets annoyed there's no reasoning with him so it ends up in a shouting match until I back down. And I don't want that in front of dd. But if I back down there's this simmering of resentment. (If I'm not in the wrong only) I'd like to know how to resolve that.

Just to give a different perspective, I don't understand how grown adults think they have the right to tell other grown adults what to do, unless within the workplace/in some position of authority. If I want my OH to do something for me, I ask him to do it. If he forgets or just plain doesn't want to, I get off my arse and do it myself. Life is too short to argue over hoovering and I am no one to be telling others what to do.
If someone moaned at me for not hoovering after I'd spent all morning tidying etc I'd probably tell them to fuck off too.

The OP has said that it's something he never does, which is why it was such a shock.

I remember how I felt years ago when DH did it. It was unnerving as my DSis had been revealing to us around that time how abusive her own marriage had been, and I remember actually feeling quite vulnerable. But it's never been repeated.

Sorry, OP, just seen your update, I think you were minimising it a bit yesterday. That doesn't sound good at all tbh, with you being the one to back down all the time.

I think you're being a bit delicate. He swore. Most people do. Swearing is just words that mean very little. They can only upset you if you let them.
On another tack if he's snoring and becoming grumpy get him to GP to discuss sleep apnoea?

Meh, my husband and I have cursed each other many times, together 28 years and counting. To be honest,if I'd got up and did all he had, and you were whinging you wanted even more done, I'd probably have told you to fuck right off as well. Is it good, no, of corse not, but cause and effect. You were both in the wrong.

I'd let the swearing go, but let it him know it's not on in front of your daughter. Snoring is the pita so it sounds like a bad night overall. You've come back in and yeah how wonderful he's done some jobs after his lie in but you're pisssd off he's cherry picked again? I'd be pissed off especially if I was cranky through his beer infused snoring. If the cherry picking housework is regular that needs a discussion. None wants to nag but your 100% correct to want a fair allocation of jobs. Housework division is a major source of household disagreement. I'm not sure why you're getting a hard time here. Mostly I think it was a bad night.

Assertive communication is the only way you can deal with this type of problem. There's loads on the internet on how to do this. It doesn't solve everything but ive found it also makes you feel you're doing what you can to improve communication. As long as you're reigning in passive aggression at the same time it can really work.

There's a difference between sweating generally and telling your partner to fuck off. It's just so rude, aggressive and disrespectful and just wouldn't happen in my relationship.

In 15 years of course we've argued but I've never felt the need to tell him to fuck off nor him me. I would take a very dim view of it especially if the children were in earshot.

*swearing

Whether you find swearing offensive is really a personal thing. It doesn't bother me but I know it would bother friends of mine.

If you find he constantly does all the "fun" stuff, could you draw up a rota? It's not fair if you're always stuck with the physically challenging or disgusting jobs.

And he needs to go the GP about his snoring.

Didn't take long for someone to mention divorce did it (second comment)?!

He swore. That's poor, especially given your child was in earshot. But then I'd be annoyed if I'd done housework and lunch etc and all I got was a volley about not vacuuming.

Maybe you should have an adult discussion about word choice and general behaviour (for both of you) and how to show mutual respect. Likewise, a discussion about household duties would be a good idea too.

How old is DD and does she sleep well? Only reason I ask is for the first couple of years DD did not sleep well AT ALL and DH and I bickered a lot. It often escalated to swearing at each other which we'd never done in the previous 9yrs of our relationship.

I think sleep deprivation changed who we were for a bit and petty arguments seemed to happen quickly and loudly. I was also very conscious of how much DD would soak up from this. We talked about it several times and made a conscious effort to try and recognise what was happening and stop ourselves as much as we could.

She started sleeping well at about 2.5yrs and I can't remember the last time we swore at each other now.

I think I need to chill out a bit on Sundays because I get all stressed about housework and jobs for the week. I iron DD's uniform and my stuff. He irons his work stuff and I iron his t shirts etc. I do all the washing and drying and put it away. He makes lunches. We share cooking and washing up and care of dd (bath, bed that kind of thing). We agreed years back I'd do the bathroom and he'd do kitchen but jobs in the kitchen I sometimes end up doing. I usually hoover the house but if I ask him he does it but later on. So we do share jobs equally and I am happy he does because I know not all men do! Yesterday I asked him on the phone to hoover upstairs. When I got back he said he hadn't but it would get done at some point. I was about to cook tea so I didn't want it left until we were getting dd ready for bed. I think that's where it came out like me complaining. That's my issue that he went straight to swearing and stuff. I then said I would do it because then he could do something with dd and he thought I was trying to prove a point. He isn't abusive and I think I played it down because I didn't want people thinking that but he can lose his temper and then that triggers me too. If we can find a point past that things would be great.