Actually it doesn't happen very often and it is big deal

[Sighsuponsighs]

I know this is ranty, I just need to get it out. I'm getting increasingly annoyed and I need to be handed all the grips.

Milestone birthday is coming up and H hasn't done fuck all as per all previous birthdays for the last 5 years. I know lots MN don't "do" birthdays but I used to love them.

I've tried to manage my expectations, I've tried to organise stuff for myself (lack of finances coupled with zero childcare (unless I pay for it but can't cos lack of finances), every year I promise myself that next year I will sort out my own birthday stuff but I always end up leaving it last minute because he is always (always) at work, can't or won't get time off for anything other than his own stuff, we have limited funds for naice things and I just end up putting myself last.

This year's excuse was well when I've tried in the past you have always complained (tried once in the last 10years, did something that anyone who even vaguely knew me would know I wouldn't like, I made the right noises but it wasn't my cup of tea and more something he would like). Added to the excuse was I didn't want to arrange anything because I don't know what you like (12 years you fucker! We have been together 12 years!)

Anyway- please tell me to get over myself, I'm feeling sorry for myself for spending my birthday alone whilst the DCs are at school,I pre booked the day off thinking/hoping that he might have done something nice, he hasn't. He made some half arsed gesture of if I book something he will pay for it, but it's not the same, especially as it's so late in the day so no realistic chance of "booking" anywhere.

I always make a fuss for his birthday if not from me then from the DC, homemade gifts, a cake, stuff I know he likes, not big expensive gifts but there is thought there, and how come I know what he likes but he claims not to know what I like?!

Grrrr

And breathe.

My soon to be ex wouldn't even wake up for my bd had staid up all night to play zombies on cod it was like nine o'clock at night and he wouldn't wake up humiliating and just stupid

OTOH I think it's a bit princessy to want your SO to organise your birthday, in terms of choosing and booking an event, or organising a party or whatever. In my world the normal thing is to sort out your own birthday celebration.

OTOH he'd be unreasonable to not get you a gift/card, to not actually be there to help you celebrate (without a really good reason) or to withhold funds for a birthday dinner or little treat or whatever.

I can't quite get my head around what has happened: is the issue that you felt you couldn't book a restaurant or organise a party or whatever because you didn't personally have enough money? Did he deny you access to your shared finances for this?

I which case you need to stop playing the martyr about money.

Ive you have jointly got the money, book yourself what you want to do and get on with it. If you haven't really got the money you need to accept that you can't do stuff. But he can pay for it but I can't afford it is totally ridiculous if it's shared money.

He isn't going to change. If he's otherwise a decent guy you need to book want you want to do and tell him he's coming.

Maybe suggest the sorts of things you'd like to do, whether it be a restaurant you fancy trying, weekend glamping, or whatever, and then say "seeing as it's my X birthday could we do something like this please?" Spell it out for him. If he still doesn't deliver after you've spelt out how important it is to you, then you can get mad.

Good luck xxx

if you have joint finances, I would buy myself something very nice indeed. something just for you, earings, watch, new car & say don't worry about my birthday, it's sorted.

My first mother's day was met with 'sorry I haven't got you anything but we're skint'

He's my ex now.

Just saying

It sounds to me that you need to be more explicit, think of yourself more and plan ahead.

I would book a cleaner for the day before your bday and arrange a whole schedule of things for the day.

I would also set up a Pinterest page with a board of present ideas - add him so that every time you pin something to it, he gets an email. Add notes to each with explicit instructions re sizings etc and make sure each links through to the item you want.

Sending love to you for your special day.

I think I would be having one frank and calm conversation with him.

It's one day where I would like you to put some thought in. To acknowledge all the things I do for you. To show that you do actually think of me, care about my feelings and take notice of things that I have said.

It is one single day, and I find it so upsetting that despite asking you, you cannot seem to find it in yourself to make any effort at all. To be told that you don't know what I like after 12 years together is pretty soul-destroying - as it is basically you telling me that you don't listen, you don't take any notice and that you don't actually care enough to even try and find out. I don't want to book it myself. I don't want to have to come up with my own birthday card, presents and meal. I am asking you for one single day, to please put some effort in. Please.

I had years of this kind of behaviour - lots of 'well you didn't tell me what you wanted' (lazy) or 'I'll give you some money and you can get yourself what you want' (patronising and lazy). It came to a head one year when he claimed to have ordered gifts from Amazon but they hadn't arrived on time. This led to tearful DC wrapping up some of their own toys to give me in order that I had something to open on the day. When the Amazon order arrived, he couldn't even be arsed to hide the receipt which showed that the stuff (all off my wishlist, so no thought or effort involved) had been ordered on my birthday. I was so upset - not at the lack of presents, just at the lack of care and the craven lies. And yes, I always went to a great deal of trouble for him. Not that he ever cared, the fucker

Nowadays he is much, much better - mainly because the DC are much older and won't let him get away with it any more. I'm sorry you're having such a shitty time - try and do something for yourself, maybe with a friend and hope you have a lovely day despite him!

YANBU, and it IS a big deal. Yes, there are more important things in life that birthdays. But there are not more important things in life than our family, and showing them we care is essential. It doesn't have to be expensive, or flamboyant, but it does need to be considerate.

My ex husband did absolutely nothing for birthdays/christmas/valentines (not too bothered about that last one), but I always did something for him. It always used to upset me, but I brushed it off. I never realised how important it was until I met my now husband, and the fuss he made of me on my birthday was unreal. I got so emotional. He didn't have much money at all, but he put so much thought into making sure my day was as nice as it could be.

A partner who gives a crap about you is priceless.

*“Nothing on his birthday. Let the kids make a card.

'Oh. But you do nothing for mine, I mean really really nothing, to an even cruel degree really given that you know it's important to me. And last year on mine you said you didn't know what I liked. So I really thought about it and it hit me that you were probably feeling that way about your birthday too - projection and all that - if you don't know what I like after 12 years then I probably don't know what you like and have been doing it all wrong. Sorry for previous birthdays with the presents and everything, it won't happen again. Happy birthday, by the way I'm out tonight”*

^^ This

Book something with your mates and leave him at home with the kids. Inconsiderate pig.

Tell him the times he needs to drop off and pick up kids. You have lie in. Then get yourself up, go to town, treat yourself to a manicure at a nail bar place. Have coffee, take a book. Go to the cinema, hit some museums, or if you can, take yourself off to the coast and go for a walk. Do all the stuff you would love to do. Tell the kids it's your birthday and you hope they make you a card and a birthday cake. Tell him to cook you and the kids tea, or get fish and chips/takeout. Basically, tell him what you want him to do. If he refuses, on the day, get out of the house before him and leave him with the kids.

I had many miserable birthdays/Christmas's, eventually one birthday, i flipped my lid, refused to get out of bed and told him i didn't want to see his face for the rest of the day. He got the hint, and on Mother's day bought all the things i had asked for for Christmas/birthday previously. He is slowly slipping again!

My advice is don't be a martyr about it. My DH would be like this left to his own devices but he doesn't get the chance.

I tell him exactly what I want and exactly what I want to do. I even send him a list at Christmas of things I'd like. He's so literal that he usually orders everything on the list! It doesn't bother me that the ideas come from me as we always have loads of fun and I get a gift I really want.

In your shoes I'd book somewhere lovely for lunch and tell him to take the day off. Tell him you know he's stuck for gift ideas for you and tell him what you want.

I don't buy the myth that there are loads of hopelessly romantic men out there. Lots don't have a clue, don't set much store by that stuff so don't realise it bothers you so much. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

YANBU - I've been with my Hubby 10 years and he's never done anything for my bday. Last year he took my for lunch (it was the best food in town) but he didn't think to phone and book it so we couldn't get in. He said well who books for lunch as an excuse for it not working out. So ended up in MacD (which he didn't come in and sit with me as he was on a diet - so I ate alone). This was after I arranged a night tenpin bowling with all his friends and family (paying for it all) making a cake for him the works.

So guess what I'm doing jack s&@t next year

My last birthday passed by with a 'happy birthday, couldn't think what to get you' usual pathetic effort. So I gave him somewhat the same treatment (cards n cake) but no present, for his. My God! The sulks! He was in a foul mood for days! For other more serious reasons he's XH but so glad I'll never have to fuss over his birthday, knowing he never gave a shit about mine...

Would you like to spend your birthday with him OP? If you still would then sit him down and say "look I'm off work on my birthday, I'd hoped you would have arranged something nice you haven't but I'd still like to have a nice day with you. I would like you to make sure you have the day off and we can go to xx for lunch and then to xxx. Can you book the restaurant? If you want to make a huge fuss of me on the day then that would go down very well because birthdays mean a lot to me"

Alternatively if you'd now rather spend the day on your own or with a friend make sure you do something lovely that you want to do and opt out of childcare cooking cleaning etc.

My DH is fairly crap at presents and arranging thoughtful surprises- he is pretty amazing in other ways so I've kind of come to terms with it a bit but I do try and clearly communicate what I want in advance in words of one syllable so he gets the message and I'm not disappointed and resentful. I have learned that hints or hoping he'll turn into mr romance just don't work.

I tell my DH in advance what I want to do for my birthday and what I would like. I make sure he has the time off if he needs it or we go at the nearest weekend to my birthday. This way, it's stress free for him, i get what I want, everyone has a good time. Win win.

He's a shit! It's irrelevant if you 'do' birthdays...you have made it clear what you want and he's not stepping up. I'm sorry OP but that's not love. for u. Get your life in order and get what you deserve...life is too short!

He is thoughtless. Lots of men manage perfectly well spinning plates in pressured jobs. They are bloody well capable of remembering what their wife likes. They choose not to.

Knowing what he earns and not being able to spend any of it is not sharing financies. I think he is doing a number on you that you think your finances are shared.

Btw i now order myself a present i want on my birthday and christmas. Saves any disappointment.

Lazy lazy lazy. Taking you for granted, at best.

Anyone who doesn't care about their own birthday is on a different planet to me. He's an inconsiderate lazy boring arse IMO. 12 years of disappointing birthdays?? Poor show!

I actually would be so pissed off if I had to treat myself for my own birthday, I think I'd go to my parents instead and get spoilt rotten. It doesn't matter that I'm late 30's my mum still sings down the phone and sends presents and my Dad always gets me something. What about your DC? Even if he doesn't buy you anything, I would hope he get's something from them???

I would arrange something very nice with a mixed sex group of friends - eg my friends and their partners, and a nice single male friend, drinks and a meal out or something and tell him he is babysitting.

Mines just not bothered about his birthday - if I got him nothing then he wouldn't be bothered. Last hear he got me a box of dark chocolates which he should know I dont like (but he does) and a.paperback book that was more to his taste than mine. This was presented to me by ds...so I was still waiting for him to produce something else or suggest a shopping trip...

And a few years ago I discovered that mil had been telling him that hebwojld babysit so.we could.go out but had never o