Actually it doesn't happen very often and it is big deal

[Sighsuponsighs]

I know this is ranty, I just need to get it out. I'm getting increasingly annoyed and I need to be handed all the grips.

Milestone birthday is coming up and H hasn't done fuck all as per all previous birthdays for the last 5 years. I know lots MN don't "do" birthdays but I used to love them.

I've tried to manage my expectations, I've tried to organise stuff for myself (lack of finances coupled with zero childcare (unless I pay for it but can't cos lack of finances), every year I promise myself that next year I will sort out my own birthday stuff but I always end up leaving it last minute because he is always (always) at work, can't or won't get time off for anything other than his own stuff, we have limited funds for naice things and I just end up putting myself last.

This year's excuse was well when I've tried in the past you have always complained (tried once in the last 10years, did something that anyone who even vaguely knew me would know I wouldn't like, I made the right noises but it wasn't my cup of tea and more something he would like). Added to the excuse was I didn't want to arrange anything because I don't know what you like (12 years you fucker! We have been together 12 years!)

Anyway- please tell me to get over myself, I'm feeling sorry for myself for spending my birthday alone whilst the DCs are at school,I pre booked the day off thinking/hoping that he might have done something nice, he hasn't. He made some half arsed gesture of if I book something he will pay for it, but it's not the same, especially as it's so late in the day so no realistic chance of "booking" anywhere.

I always make a fuss for his birthday if not from me then from the DC, homemade gifts, a cake, stuff I know he likes, not big expensive gifts but there is thought there, and how come I know what he likes but he claims not to know what I like?!

Grrrr

And breathe.

YANBU. But don't cut your nose off to spite your face, if you ignore his birthday (so tempting!) you will still get shitty birthdays but also a miserable sulky husband on his, that's two ruined days a year. Instead, decide that you will do joint birthday presents from now on, you choose, he pays, result!

I don't know. My DH is pretty rubbish at birthdays, slightly better at Christmas, barely acknowledges Valentines Day but...on an everyday level he is bloody lovely: does more than his share around the house and with the kids, totally free with his finances, always ready to make me a cup of tea, rub my feet, give me a lie in. On a frosty morning he scrapes my car down while I stay in the warm. Last night he nipped to the shop for milk and brought back my favourite chocolate bar....

I suppose I've got used to the slightly rubbish birthdays. And now some of the kids are young adults, they buy me thoughtful, nice presents and make a fuss of me.

YANBU BUT - you've kind of set yourself up for this. You've booked the day off but not anything to do, even though you know he hasn't done anything for years and he hasn't said anything about doing something for this year. That's kind of an obvious hole you've not only fallen into with the warning lights blaring, but one you've dug deeper yourself!

You've grown really resentful over this and I don't blame you, but you can't change him, so what can you do that will make you feel better? You say in your OP that you put yourself last, and I would suggest that perhaps the answer is to celebrate your birthday by putting yourself first a bit. It doesn't have to be expensive, but there must be a place nearby that you've always wanted to visit but the kids are too bored by, or somewhere you've been with them and thought "I must come back here and look properly", or a restaurant for lunch? Or a nice roof terrace bar you could go with a good book (or MN on the phone) and have an afternoon cocktail, or an arcade full of pinball machines you've always wanted to try, a yarn shop you'd happily spend hours browsing and then buy one small treat? Ideally, something that would be better if you didn't have your DC or DH with you so you are savouring the time to yourself rather than feeling the loss of them. At home, tell people to make you a cup of tea, get on with things themselves that they'd normally ask you to do, cook/order in exactly what you like for supper (or go out and leave DH to it) etc.. Just put yourself first for once and enforce that priority on everyone else.

I know that what you really want is for your DH to have a revelation and organize things, get a cake, take the DC out to buy a token present/make a card etc. And he should. But he isn't' going to, so you need to stop magnifying that loss and start doing what you can to make this one life you have fun.

Also, perhaps stop doing as much for your DH's birthday (I somewhat like FizzyGreen's suggestion), though I don't think you necessarily have to link the two so directly.

If you have no money for nice things and he does; your have way bigger issues than you birthday.

That's just a symptom

I'm another one who doesn't do birthdays, but that does not excuse doing nothing when you know how important it is for the person you love.

Sorry just catching up.

Our finances are shared, we both work but I don't have access to his money unless I ask, I don't ask and he doesn't offer unless it's something to do with the DC or the house or something like that. ( yes I know that it should be our income and in a way it is but it's complicated)

To the poster who said we have bigger issues than my birthday - perhaps you're right. You probably are.

I booked the day off because he implied he was going to as well then recently asked me what we were doing on the actual day, I made a non commital answer because I didn't realise he expected me to have arranged something and all he had to do was turn up. he decided to work it after all.

I'm sorry I don't mean to drip feed.

Since I wrote the post I have calmed down somewhat and yes I will get over it and just maybe do something not just about future birthdays but just the future full stop.

As the DC get older they have nudged him in the right direction in terms of Mothers Day etc but it shouldn't be up to the DC to show their father how to give a fuck about their mother/his wife

I don't understand what you mean by "our finances are shared but I don't have access to his money?"

How is that "shared"?

That's not shared finances.

Shared finances is where you both know how much it costs to run a household and you both know and have access to any money going spare.

It's not when your running tight and have to ask for money because he's got the spare. Especially not for your own birthday present. Especially not if you are agonising over whether you can afford something and I know he can pull a card out without thinking twice about it.

Do you know his income? How much goes into pensions (his and yours) and how much money is actually spare.

I suspect you don't actually even know if you are financially secure or not. It makes you really vulnerable to financial abuse.

Which may well be what's going on here

Well DH would never get me anything for Mother's Day for the obvious reason that I am not his mother. He might have taken the kids to the corner shop to buy me a box of Roses when they were little, if they asked.

So nompresents and he's financially abusive too?
He's a right catch.

What I'm trying to say is that lots of shit husbands are great at the once or twice a year grand gestures. But they are still shit husbands. My best mate's sister has a cheating scumbag who comes on to every woman he meets. He's very big on diamond earrings and impromptu trips to Paris on their anniversaries though.

Obviously it is nice to have a decent husband plus the nice birthdays. But I think nice birthdays are not the main thing.

What you should have said - when he asked what the plan was - is "you mean to say you've not organised something? Wow."
I know it's hard OP but just saying something non confrontational and noncommittal isn't going to get through to him. You need to actually communicate your feelings.
You need to say to him very clearly and directly and assertively: "the message that you are sending me when you don't make an effort and a fuss for my birthday is that you don't care about me. I know that some people don't make a fuss about their birthdays but it matters to me and your lack of effort is hurtful to me. If our relationship is to work then I need you to acknowledge that this is important to me - even if it's not how you would feel about your birthday."

On his next birthday, pop out in the morning and get him a bunch of flowers from the local garage and a card. Smile sweetly.

Seriously, its not great, and you have to decide if other stuff makes up for it or not. I do get a bit prescriptive about stuff for me for christmas and birthday - for example dropping unsubtle hints about beauty advent calendars becuase it was the one thing I fancied for the whole christmas period (the dc pick up on these, not dh) or making it known that I want a birthday tea with cake. He tends to buy a token present and then say he will take me to x shop to buy things I want/spa day for both of us, and then never mention it again. But now when I see something I want but can't justify, I just text him and say 'can I buy x for my birthday present' and get it out of the joint account.

What I'm trying to say is that lots of shit husbands are great at the once or twice a year grand gestures

Yes totally agree with this. However

This

if I book something he will pay for it

Coupled with this

I've tried to organise stuff for myself (lack of finances coupled with zero childcare (unless I pay for it but can't cos lack of finances)

Are not hallmarks of a decent husband either. "He can afford it without a second thought but I can't" looks like major issues to me

What else is wrong with your marriage OP? This shouldn't be in AIBU but in relationships!

You sound like you are very easy going and a people pleaser. Your DH sounds like he gets away with an awful lot.

I think you should go for something really expensive. Think of it as ten years of presents rolled into one. Obviously he pays. If he mentions the cost say we'll if no one else is going to think of my birthday I'll do what I like- I need something nice to make up for being neglected. And the year after make it very very clear that anything half arsed or that he should know you don't like and this will happen every year.
If you actually like him that is.

OP, it sounds like the communication between you is a bit muddled. It sounds like he is not aware of your expectations. I think you need to tell him, but try to not have many years of bitterness and resentment in your voice, it it will get you nowhere. Try to think of the end result that you could achieve, and "sell" it to him. Compare it to negotiating with someone at work. Be detailed.

Then if it doesn't work, then you know that you have really tried, and then you can start getting angry with him and throw ultimatums at him.

YANBU. It's so tricky to manage your expectations as every year you think it might be the one he pulls it out of the bag. It almost heightens the anticipation. Does he treat you on other occasions and make you feel special?

I was reluctant to reply because I might have inadvertently opened a whole can of worms.

I am not being financially abused, I know exactly how much he earns and where it goes as he does with my income and expenditure. I have access to his accounts etc.

When he offered to pay for something we aren't talking hundreds of ££ but maybe £25-£30 for a manicure or a cheap facial.

Over the years we have had many very open and frank conversations about how his behaviour or lack thereof makes me feel. He sometimes denies he is in the wrong or sometimes concedes he hasn't behaved well and says he/it needs to change but it never does.

I have never dropped hints but have openly said things like I really want to go to a spa/love/ want that perfume /earrings.

His excuses are just that excuses.
This post was about my birthday and never expected to discuss all this. Hence what now seems like a slow drip feed.

I think the birthday presents are a red herring to be honest op. I think you've got more serious problems than you think. But it's easier for an outsider to see.

ltb

Do you feel that the foundation of your relationship is solid enough for you to accept the birthday thing? Are you happy with the other aspects of your relationship? It's easy to let this one thing take up too much space and hurt you more than you want it to. I think it's important to accept each other and to not expect perfection. But there has to be a balance.

Happy belated birthday 🎂 It is a shame that your Dh didn't book the day off work to spend with you. I agree that he seems to not have been bothered /cared to be nice to you. There seems to be a lack of effort from him. Some things don't cost much money if that is the issue. He would rather spend a day at work, than spend the day with you....

he expected me to have arranged something and all he had to do was turn up. he decided to work it after all.

WHAT A DICK!

Here's what I would do: Tell him, "I'm doing something lovely for my birthday, for once. You can do whatever you like, but you've got the kids. I'll be enjoying my bloody birthday!"

This isn't the answer to everything, but for now: book yourself a spa break with an overnight stay. Preferably on your birthday. Tell your husband he'll need to pick up the kids, do the routine that evening and get them to school the next day and that can be part of your birthday present from him. Go and stay over, have treatments, sleep in, relax.

I would also book a family meal out, to make the point that it's nice to celebrate all together, and that the kids see you are celebrating mum's birthday.

I would still withdraw from making any arrangements for his birthday in future.

Alongside all this I'd do some thinking about the marriage long term. But I would definitely make sure I got something I wanted for this birthday and not just let that go.