Actually it doesn't happen very often and it is big deal

[Sighsuponsighs]

I know this is ranty, I just need to get it out. I'm getting increasingly annoyed and I need to be handed all the grips.

Milestone birthday is coming up and H hasn't done fuck all as per all previous birthdays for the last 5 years. I know lots MN don't "do" birthdays but I used to love them.

I've tried to manage my expectations, I've tried to organise stuff for myself (lack of finances coupled with zero childcare (unless I pay for it but can't cos lack of finances), every year I promise myself that next year I will sort out my own birthday stuff but I always end up leaving it last minute because he is always (always) at work, can't or won't get time off for anything other than his own stuff, we have limited funds for naice things and I just end up putting myself last.

This year's excuse was well when I've tried in the past you have always complained (tried once in the last 10years, did something that anyone who even vaguely knew me would know I wouldn't like, I made the right noises but it wasn't my cup of tea and more something he would like). Added to the excuse was I didn't want to arrange anything because I don't know what you like (12 years you fucker! We have been together 12 years!)

Anyway- please tell me to get over myself, I'm feeling sorry for myself for spending my birthday alone whilst the DCs are at school,I pre booked the day off thinking/hoping that he might have done something nice, he hasn't. He made some half arsed gesture of if I book something he will pay for it, but it's not the same, especially as it's so late in the day so no realistic chance of "booking" anywhere.

I always make a fuss for his birthday if not from me then from the DC, homemade gifts, a cake, stuff I know he likes, not big expensive gifts but there is thought there, and how come I know what he likes but he claims not to know what I like?!

Grrrr


And breathe.

[Deidre21]

Agree with Anecdoche

[kootoo123]

Book something away somewhere romantic. Making sure when you get him to pay to mention how romantic it is. Better still add in some comments selling it to him. Depending on things he likes, such as I hear the golf couse is great... Then when ita time to go thank him for having the kids and feck off reminding him that you and bestie are looking forward to it. Remember to post fb updates of you looking fab with new male friends, fitness coach, etc...

[houghtonk76]

Or just tell him he's being an A-hole, needs to sort it put for next year / Xmas & you want tolerate his BS again - say u must know some things i like, if not ask my friends / family, listen when i talk sometimes!!

[houghtonk76]

Firstly, massive Happy Birthday!!

Secondly no. 3) of what Jenny said - he sounds like a prize A-hole & you deserve better.

Recommend seeing if you can find evidence of an affair, so you can also take him to the cleaners in court!!

[DeadGood]

"Reading this post I'm starting to understand all my friends that organised their own birthday parties. I always thought, 'good grief they're so self-absorbed' "

Seriously?!

[MumsTheWordYouKnow]

Happy birthday

[MumsTheWordYouKnow]

I hope you sort it out OP, I think booking a day off with nothing arranged is a bad idea. Personally I’d rather be at work at least you’d get a card and bit of fuss then arrange a family meal out at the weekend to show the children what a birthday should be and afternoon tea with some friends on another day. If your DH isn’t interested in celebrating with you give the hint by celebrating with friends. Tell him once you’ve arranged it. Also don’t leave these things to chance and last minute next time as it will be too late and you’ll spoil your own day.

[MumsTheWordYouKnow]

Sherrychristmas I love your approach. Perhaps I should try this

[MumsTheWordYouKnow]

I do get a card and small box of chocolate, but basically that’s it and then I buy myself stuff.

[MumsTheWordYouKnow]

I think it’s quite usual for men to be so thoughtless and lastminute.com. I have the same issue myself. I accept he’s usually helpful and generous in other ways and doesn’t stop me from doing anything. I think you have to decide what the rest of his behaviour is like and stop comparing to what other men do (I am guessing many of them have been well trained anyway and it doesn’t come at all naturally except to a handful).

[MargotMoon]

I would be very upset about this, you are definitely not BU.

It's the lack of thought that would upset me. Being made a fuss of doesn't have to be expensive or difficult. Just being made to feel loved and appreciated because someone has spent time thinking about you and what you'd like, and put a little effort in. Making sure the DC have made you a card, etc.

I know it sounds vindictive but I would definitely not bother with his birthday, give him a taste of his own medicine. Maybe you could plan to go away next year and do something fun - visit friends or have a weekend away somewhere you've always wanted to visit?

Anyway, happy belated birthday

[SherryChristmas]

Just want to add that you deserve a lovely day, and all the respect that that entails. I'll be hoping that you do indeed have a wonderful, and very special, birthday. Hugs and best wishes.

[SherryChristmas]

I had this for several years with my DH. He was useless, and never did very much. It was devastating. He seemed to take no notice of my verbal hints. In fact his best friend's wife, knowing how bad he was, bought both a card and a present for him to give me one year! In the end after several years of this, and with two young children, one year I decided to do something. He came down one morning to find the living room festooned with long banners. They began ' as some folk always seem to forget my birthday, or don't seem to know what I'd like, this is a lovely friendly reminder that It's my birthday in x days. Here are a few hints'.
One banner then listed the things I would like, and headed ' suggestions for suitable present / actions to make my day special and make me happy - I'd really like something special for example : a birthday cake, specially made for me; a pretty birthday card with lovely sentiments; a box of rose and violet creams; or a bouquet of flowers; I love my presents to be properly wrapped in pretty paper with a bow etc '. Another was headed ' here are a few hints of presents, any of which I'd love etc etc.' Another listed places I'd like to go for my birthday.:- , to be taken somewhere special for the day like z; or to be taken out to dinner at a special restaurant like y; or to have a lovely surprise party, or walk hand in hand in the park'. etc etc. These were HUGE banners (floor to ceiling, done on rolls of lining paper in thick felt tip pens) , and the final one, taped to the back of the door like a long scroll, said ' if nothing lovely and special happens on my birthday, this year - and every year from here on - then I'm going to be IMPOSSIBLE to live with on the day, and won't be bothering with your birthdays in the future. You have been warned!'
I insisted the banners stay for a week, to help 'remind him', changing the countdown each day. Our two kids and my neighbours thought it was hilarious. I kept it all light and humorous, but for me it was a matter of beng respected. He didn't have to spend a lot, but he did need to make an effort.

I had a gorgeous birthday that year. It was lovely, and it's continued since. If it hadn't I'd probably have left him, simply because of the lack of respect involved. I honestly think that he simply hadn't taken notice of my feelings and didn't have a clue what to do anyway. He had to see it written down! Once he finally 'got it' he (eventually!) got really good (even sending flowers to me at my work one year when he was away working!). Shouldn't have had to do it in the first place of course, but it worked. Good luck with yours. I haven't forgotten how much it hurt, and it's a horrid feeling. Have a great birthday.

[Tazmum01]

On one of my birthdays, my then bf won a bit of money on the lottery (£50/60??) and blew the lot on a bandit machine at the pub. (we were young and skint) I was furious. For his birthday, I got him a pair of old man slippers and put ten cigarettes inside them. Job done. Divorced him twelve weeks after the wedding.

[Fishface77]

I had a milestone birthday and my "D"H celebrated it begrudgingly.
What's the point?
Make it joyful and happy or don't bother!
I don't expect a lot but it means so much to the DC.

[Abbylee]

Oh, Sigh, I am so sorry. You are NOT a Baby! Stop. You deserve love and to have your special days celebrated. Sometimes we just go to a nice town and walk around. Depending on the finances we may or may not eat out. It is not about money, it is thoughtfulness.

My x was much like your partner, I appreciate my dh (30 years) bc he is kind and I can say, "for my birthday, I would like to go here and walk around and if you would like to buy something here are a few ideas."

He wants to be able to make our special days fun and celebrate them. I am not boasting, I actually have a few tears at your situation.

You deserve love, kindness and gifts if you want them. My favorite part is the family time of the few hours walking by the river or town. It's not money, it is enjoying time and company. Does he treat you respectfully and attentively at other Times?

Happy birthday and best wishes.

[Crummyfunnymummy]

God reading your post OP made me so sad. YANBU at all!! I love birthdays! Mine, my DH, my DC.....I love making a fuss of people and I love having one day when I'm totally fussed over. I don't get the whole not being bothered about birthdays thing but we're all different aren't we? But like others have said, if it's important to you then it shouldn't matter whether he thinks they're important. You are important. And that is all that matters! Is he normally this thoughtless in other areas of your life? It's not my place to pry but when I read your post I found myself wondering what you're doing with him! Maybe I'm being harsh. Maybe he is kind, or a fantastic dad or has other admirable qualities but is just shit at birthdays!! I hope you salvaged something from the day and I hope he knows to make it up to you somehow.

[shabbyshibby]

I could have written the op. Year after year it never gets any less hurtful & I always spend my birthday feeling sad. I have a significant birthday coming up in 2019 & I'm just hoping that my family do something for it. I bought my own present for my last birthday as my dc are too young to. It included a mug I found in a charity shop that very day which had a pic of eyore on it with his line 'sad? Why should I be sad? It's my birthday, the happiest day of the year.' I requested a cup of tea from my other half to go with the (reduced price) shop bought cake. It was a chocolate cake. I hate shop-bought chocolate cake. He loves it. Harrumph.
I think everyone should feel special on their birthday & my oh knows this. He doesn't make any effort to make me feel special & it stings. OP - you have my empathy.

[Bobbins43]

I also don’t get this whole “But if he helps out around the house, you can put up with shit birthdays” thing.

First off, it is ONE DAY. And secondly, birthdays are so important. It is the one day of the year that is entirely about you. That was the day you came into being. And that is something that should be celebrated. I do get that birthdays might not be everyone’s thing and that’s fine. But if you want it to be special and you have given your OH that level of detail on what you want and he STILL hasn’t delivered, then that’s just deliberately poor behaviour

I used to get so upset on my birthdays. As a teenager, I started buying my own cake. One year, I got home and found out they had eaten it without me. Without fail, I plan myself something for my birthday now. I know I want a cake, so I organise one. I like flowers so will make sure I get some.

Don’t wait for him to step up. You deserve better. And so much more than this.

[SunshineLollipopsRainbows25]

me and DC baked 2 cakes and a box of cookies painted 2 pictures and got 3 cards for my OH I've told him I want a cake next year as I do one every year and never get one back. I'd give up expecting anything from him, I'd just arrange a night with the girls and tell him he's watching the DC

[Liara]

Dh doesn't do anything for my birthday. I don't do anything for his. We don't do anything for our anniversary.

But (and this is absolutely the crucial bit) if one of us wanted the other to make a fuss for their birthday/anniversary, the other would do it very happily. We know this, and neither of us is fussed so we don't.

I don't need dh to make me feel special one day a year because he makes me feel special every single day. He always makes me feel loved, appreciated, and like any need I have is his priority.

If I didn't feel that way, I suspect I would want to feel it at least occasionally, to remind me why I'm with him at all...

[Bobbins43]

Make yourself a cake. Take yourself off somewhere nice. Go to a park or the beach or a nice coffee shop with a book. Buy a lipstick or nail polish and some flowers. Be nice to yourself. And fuck him

[CatsOclock]

I would arrange something very nice with a mixed sex group of friends - eg my friends and their partners, and a nice single male friend, drinks and a meal out or something and tell him he is babysitting.

^^ This made me laugh, but actually, there's a lot of truth in it. I'm not one for game playing but sometimes, being more independent and less available is exactly what you need.

[RaspberryOverload]

I know MN can be anti birthday, it's almost like people try to outdo each other over just how much they don't care.

But really, a birthday is one day a year, a date known in advance, when the people who claim to love you can show some appreciation. Yes, you can show appreciation any time, but a birthday is a focus, especially as many of us are busy in our day to day lives and may not think to take time to do so.

A card and a little gift on the day, that's all it would have taken, I wasn't asking for diamonds. But my ex never did cards, and some years didn't bother with a gift, either. Frequently came up with "but I didn't have time" for a date that didn't change in the 3 decades we were together. This was despite me making efforts for his birthday.

Wasn't the reason I left him, but certainly contributed, because it felt like he just didn't care.

[JaneEyre70]

I had such an awful birthday this year, thanks to my DH so next year, he's getting the exact day he gave me. I didn't even put my cards up, and went to bed in tears.
I completely get where you are coming from, but you can still have a nice day. Buy a few good DVDs/box set, get some nice snacks and lunch things - even a bottle of something nice, and have a lovely chilled day doing nothing.