To believe how you look is what first attracts a partner

[opheliacat]

I actually don't think the above is completely true for women, but for men, it seems to be.

My mother was always a bit peculiar and not very clever but she was very beautiful as a young woman and attracted my dad based on this (he was very intelligent and from a wealthy background.)

It still seems to be the case that an attractive woman can make a "good" marriage. Or AIBU?

Of course YANBU.

YABU - I do believe that it's looks that initially attract people to each other.
But I don't believe anyone believes that a person would make a good wife/husband because they're good looking

Without a doubt it's how you look that first attracts somebody to you. That 'look' though isn't as clear cut as people think it is. It's an overall 'snapshot' of the whole person, the whole picture of who you are, your 'essence' that comes together to present your 'look'.

And people like different looks, there are different things that attract them initially before relationships develop based on personality traits, etc. But it is always how you 'look'.

'Beautiful' is subjective; Tom Hardy does absolutely nothing for me, his 'look' isn't attractive to me but is to countless women. :)

Cosy it's like, to have a successful trip abroad you need a passport and loads of other things but to get on the plane you need a passport. I suppose I see it as being much the same.

I think it's less about looks and more about presentation. A groomed, tidy woman who clearly takes care of herself will always attract a man if she has a face like a horse.

I looked like absolute crap the first time I met my husband (at work) - which is good because I look like absolute crap since the twins arrived so at least he knew what he was in for

I think it is possible to gradually start finding someone attractive as you get to know them better though. It has definitely happened to me when a man is really clever or really funny.

Saying that, it was lust at first sight when I met DH, before he'd even opened his mouth.

I have known a number of women who were not conventionally attractive who seem to be exceedingly happily married, so I'm going to presume it's not essential for everyone.

I also agree with both Nuttynoo and LyingWitch. 'Attractive' is very subjective and I think it way more complex than 'must have X measurements, Y hair colour, and Z shape of nose'. Most people (with a few exceptions) can also make themselves attractive if they know what suits them, how to present themselves well, how to take care of what they've got, and find an aesthetic that works for them.

I think that's true for women tinkly, but most men (ime) won't approach an unattractive (to them) woman.

YADNBU

I agree totally with how Lying summed it up.

I didn't find DH attractive when I first met him. Took about 6 months.

Although he found me attractive instantly, apparently.

So therefore I agree OP 😀

Well, yes, I i believe how you are perceived will be a function of how you present yourself.

How would someone with a classically beautifully person with bone structure, great skin and beautiful sparkling eyes be perceived, if they felt diffident and shy, tried to efface themselves, kept back to the edges of any group, hid their face behind their hair, hunched shoulders and kept their eyes fixed in the ground?

There again, some people feel more confident with a partner who is less confident, who makes them feel great about themselves?

Infact, we are all attracted to people who make us feel good about ourselves...

Its complicated.

Depends how you meet. In a club well yes obviously but in a group of mutual friends or a hobby group it’s far more about “clicking”.

Ophelia My very gorgeous lust at first sight DH is actually way out of my league. But we were friends and flat mates for a couple of years before we got together and I obviously ground him down over time won him over with my amazing personality.

What's that Sex, Lies and Videotape quote?
"men learn to love the person that they're attracted to, and that women become more and more attracted to the person that they love."

That's interesting Sister Moon. I think DH and I have swapped gender roles there though.

It is the overall presentation. When I first met DP, he was the centre of attention as he told a very funny joke, and his face seemed to glow. He has real charisma. But I wouldn't have picked him on a dating website.

Yep, most men are visual.

I am a very plain and rather chubby woman who met a (cliche alert) 6 foot 6 fitness model in a club when I was 18 and still can't believe he was attracted to me. We've been together 22 years and he is still gorgeous and I am still plain.

It's only true if you never speak to anyone you don't find attractive to look at, or if you immediately discount anyone you aren't immediately attracted to

I may be at the extreme end of a spectrum, but I have never been attracted to someone before getting to know them. I can appreciate someone is good looking, but there's no actual attraction until I have got to know them a bit.

I think you're wrong because there are plenty of unattractive people in relationships, missing teeth haggard and all.. just see Jeremy Kyle! So no not everyone is wired that way.

Of course.

I don't know if I even believe in love (in a way that separates it from attraction and mutual attraction etc)

I'm single continually despite being sane, generous, funny etc... lots of good qualities, strong sense of self, desire to connect etc etc but yet.......... single! I'm accepting it. But I think the vast majority of people who believe themselves in love are either in attraction, in validation, in habit, conforming, clinging to a raft. Whatever.

'I can appreciate someone is good looking, but there's no actual attraction until I have got to know them a bit.'

True, I agree, but I'm a woman.

But conventionally unattractive people usually have conventionally unattractive partners (see Jeremy Kyle). I think there's research which indicates we end up with partners how have the same level of attractiveness. But really not sure what that shows.