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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To believe how you look is what first attracts a partner

52 replies

opheliacat · 24/09/2017 11:35

I actually don't think the above is completely true for women, but for men, it seems to be.

My mother was always a bit peculiar and not very clever but she was very beautiful as a young woman and attracted my dad based on this (he was very intelligent and from a wealthy background.)

It still seems to be the case that an attractive woman can make a "good" marriage. Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 24/09/2017 12:57

It's an interesting question. It depends what look men find attractive though. I know plenty of overweight women who have no difficulty attracting male attention. Some men obviously like curves!

But my DH was attracted to my look. I was very slim when we met, and I asked him if he'd have liked me if I'd been overweight. (I'm a yoyo dieter so my shape has changed a lot during my life. He answered that he didn't like big women, which left me feeling very insecure. But it had of course been a very loaded question!! Grin

27Feb · 24/09/2017 13:14

My DH is a man and he agrees with the ppl saying they need to like someone before fancying them. Maybe he's not being honest, but he's very good looking (not humble bragging. Just bragging. He's an ex-national level sportsman, ex-military guy with the bone structure like Johnny Depp. Much better looking than me) and his dating history is a real mix of the gorgeous, the OK looking and the really quite plain. So he clearly isn't just going for the hot chicks and he has always had options with women.

What all his exes have in common is that they tend to be very outgoing, very charismatic, very funny, and real live wires in terms of hobbies/careers. I'm definitely a 'plain but funny' type. He also likes women who dress well - he's said he prefers plainer women who've made an effort, and have a bit of style, than a very pretty girl who doesn't bother.

Original poster
opheliacat · 24/09/2017 13:44

Mine says the same Mittens!

OP posts:
TheLuminaries · 24/09/2017 13:50

It is true that beautiful women do not want for men. However, even the less aesthetically blessed seem able to pair up - it is a pretty basic biological urge, after all.

My looks are nothing special, but looks wise I am my DH's type - he has always gone for petite women. A glamazon wouldn't catch his eye. So there is an element of personal taste, because a glamazon would attract a lot more men than I do - just not my DH, thankfully.

Mittens1969 · 24/09/2017 15:37

@opheliacat Lol. Actually we're still together 15 years later and despite the fact that my weight has fluctuated like it has. But there's no doubt that my DH likes it when I make an effort with my appearance. He likes it when I've had my hair styled or bought new clothes. He's too nice to say when I've let myself go a bit, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't still find me more attractive when I'm making an effort.

And I suspect it's actually true of most men, appearance does matter.

Ttbb · 24/09/2017 15:39

To an extent. It's not necessarily about being attractive though. Other factors such as the way you dress, how friendly you seem etc also cone into play on that level

tehmina23 · 24/09/2017 15:55

Lots of men sleep with women they don't find attractive if they just want sex it seems?

silverbell64 · 24/09/2017 16:13

Depends though doesn't it. I on line date and yes, if the image doesn't appeal to me then I wouldn't respond. If however it's a person in your circle of friends or a work colleague, other things come into play, not just looks.

gratedparmesan · 24/09/2017 17:05

I think your personality can come through in the way you look, though - it's might be about how you look but that's not just about attractiveness. I was pretty scruffy the first time I met DH as I had just been to a sports class and was make-up free. But I think that attracted him because it showed I was pretty relaxed and didn't care too much about my image.

sharksDen · 24/09/2017 17:29

I don't get the sexism but yes, I think you are sexually attracted before finding out if other attractions are there.

I also feel fairly sure that there's some kind of biological connection where people find equally physically attractive people attractive.

Tameagobairanois

Stop talking about a 'sense of self' and you may do better.

27Feb · 24/09/2017 17:51

sharksDen - I'm going to go and preen for a bit if that means I'm as cute as DH Grin

sharksDen · 24/09/2017 17:56

I like (and agree with) the sentiment, but don't you agree.

The 10s with the 10s, the 9s with the 9s etc ... obviously, a little room for movement.

If you see a less attractive man with a stunning woman, you assume he's loaded. I guess the same logic applies with toy boys.

corythatwas · 24/09/2017 18:21

I think Lying summed it up well. Certainly I have known very average looking women who had men swarming around them.

When I was young, one of my best friends was overweight (less common then) and had a rather common, not to say plain face. She could get any man she crooked her finger at, had some very attractive boyfriends and lots of short term encounters. It was her personality that did it and the sense that she was both warm & generous and completely comfortable in her own skin.

splendidisolation · 24/09/2017 18:30

If youre feeling insecure OP, one thing I know is that many, if not most, men confuse grooming with beauty.

Of course they can pick up on an incredibly harmonious face, intense eyes, fine bone structure, cheekbones, lips, all the things that we see that make someone a "looker", they are just as likely to call someone "gorgeous" who (IMO) may actually have quite a plain face, but who has nicely done nails, great clothes, healthy looking hair, beautifully applied makeup, well turned out baasically.

My point being: its what you do with what youve been given.

Original poster
opheliacat · 24/09/2017 18:33

Not really. I was pretty when I met DH. Now he can't escape Grin

I think slim women pull grooming off better than ones who are overweight, mostly.

OP posts:
Tealdeal747 · 24/09/2017 18:37

I can judge within the first few minutes of meeting someone if I'd ever consider sleeping with them.

I'm quite lust driven and could never become attracted to someone because of their personality.

I don't care how funny their jokes are a fat wrinkly bald bloke is a fat wrinkly bald bloke!

tehmina23 · 24/09/2017 18:52

I think that if a person is really good looking but turns out to be a nasty individual then to me they turn ugly no matter how attractive they look iyswim

Nettletheelf · 24/09/2017 19:09

Men tend to go for women they think they have a chance of getting, and initially it's all about physical appearance. I used to see it in clubs all the time (when I still went to them).

Boasting aside, I was very attractive in my 20s, so were my female friends, and we knew it. Guys would either (1) stare at us and not dare to come near us or (2) have a crack at us, egged on by their mates, and say things like, "we know we haven't got a chance with you", then when it became clear that we weren't going to cop off with them, move on to other groups of girls in descending order of attractiveness until they hit the jackpot, so to speak. Only the very confident and attractive men approached us without fear, presumably because they judged that they scored the same marks as us!

oldlaundbooth · 24/09/2017 19:11

Totally agree, ophelia.

Getout21 · 24/09/2017 19:38

I tend to find that v.attractive men often have less attractive partners.

I've been initially very attracted to someone based on their physical appearance but then gone off them due to personality. Likewise I became friends with an average looking guy but he was so funny & always the centre of attention that I became very attracted to him.

Sexiness is a combination of factors.

27Feb · 24/09/2017 21:05

sharksDen - I definitely was nowhere near as cute as DH when we met. He was genuinely drop dead gorgeous - one of the few men I've met who had an actual legitimate six pack, incredible cheek bones, huge melting dark brown eyes - proper model handsome. He walked into a room and there was this ripple of desire from everyone woman and gay man in the place.

I was a size 14, so slightly overweight, and although I was fairly pretty and never had an issue getting attention from sexual partners, I definitely wasn't model cute. Maybe he was deluded by my excellent eyeliner game. I do have very good eyeliner game, and I am pretty good at creating an aesthetic (art school student at the time!). But he was definitely a 10 and I think I was a decorative 7.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 24/09/2017 21:33

Same here 27Feb, I think my DH was so jaded with getting any pretty girl he wanted, that he looked for something else. Also, when we first met, and for the couple of years we were just friends, I was in a relationship with someone else. I suspect that being unavailable made me more desirable.

HollaHolla · 24/09/2017 21:43

I'm overweight and quite average looking. I wear slightly quirky things - and I've got good hair game.... I'm bright, and witty; with good conversation. I've lots of friends but men generally aren't interested in me (although I'm pretty on fire with the lesbians).
So I think I agree that men are more immediately into looks than anything else.

clumsyduck · 24/09/2017 21:50

But been initially attracted to someone because of how they look and someone actually being "good looking " are two different things aren't they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that . Iv fancied some "not classically good looking" men in my time and my mates thought I was mad but for whatever reason they just did it for me and I found them attractive to look at from the off !

Damnthatonestaken · 26/09/2017 13:26

Well its true for some people. But i know a few average looking girls who have guys fawning over them. Cheerful attitude, soh, personality goes a long way

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