ABUI to tell DP to pull his finger out because I'm not a HW

[SunshineLollipopsRainbows25]

We have a house together a 2DC DC1 is from a previous relationship so I take sole responsibility for her and always have, I'm in charge of everything for her is let him take some role but he never tries, now I worked FT before DC2 and I'm now currently on Maternity leave... since being on maternity leave he texts me asking what's for tea? he does not cleaning/tidying he's given up doing everything because he goes to work and I'm home. which I wouldn't mind if I was a SAHM and he was paying for everything but I'm not a SAHM I'm a working mum who is on maternity leave!! I pay my own way and half towards everything I'm not his nanny now I'm at home!

would I be being unreasonable to sit him down and tell him to sort his own shit out and tidy up after himself and help around the house more because I'm not his effing mother maid?? unless he's going to pay my way and me not go back to work I'm not going to be??

if all I've done all day is look after our DC2 whilst DC1 is at school and done no house work I feel judged! if there's no tea for him to come home too he has a big huff. but why can't he make me tea?? even on his day off he asks me "what's for tea?" I don't know what you making???

Jesus christ. It literally takes 15 minutes to boil pasta, set table, stir some pesto in and open a baag of salad.

This is excellent advice. Do this. Every day. When he texts "what is for tea?" you answer back cheerfully "pasta, pesto and salad!". Then lay a bet with the newborn as to how long his contentment that his tea is being taken care of by another working adult will last.

Mummmy2017- 31 meals? That's very specific!

I'm not sure I could even do it! I read quite recently that the average number of meals a family has in its repertoire is 12.

How old is the baby?

YANBU

FWIW even my DH, who I sometimes think was left behind by someone in a 1950s time capsule, didn't expect me to cook his food when I was on mat leave.
I would do what you can (not to appease him, just becasue that's life) and batch prepare food for yourself. If he wants to share that then fine, if he's expecting to be taken care of becasue he sees you as being on housework leave then rapidly disabuse him of this notion.

Meals for the week:
microwave Jacket potato and beans
Pot noodle
Pasta and pesto
crisps and apples
tuna and pasta
tuna and baked potato
dominos pizza

Pot noodle should be sweet and sour obviously

Yes to keychanges post earlier, the same happened to me; a total shift in the relationship. Before DC I would share chores with my DP; afterwards I became the 'great finder of things', was expected to do all the chores and had to tell him what to do with our DC every single night at bedtime! The routine never bloody changed!

I never expected anything of the sort, so we never had the talk about division of labour before. But he changed massively after DC was born, he definitely acquired the learned helplessness. I changed too, into a nagging mare and I don't like whats happened to me or my personality.

OP I dont have any real advice, I'm still trying to work through my problems. But your man will not change, he's shown you what he'll be like with your previous DC. That's his idea of parenting, 'Mum does all the work'. It's in no way going to be different with his own DC

OP - From your later posts, it sounds as if it's his passivity that is the main problem. I would be very frustrated too.
If you are a family he needs to treat both your children equally, or it will be very damaging for your elder one.
What does this job he does actually entail? Is it very physical or stressful? Or is it in fact a doss job where he does the bare minimum as he does at home?
Anyway, yes, you need to sit him down and have a conversation. I am a SAHM and I do cook for DH, sometimes separately to the kids, depending on when he gets in and what's going on. Except when the DC were babies though, DH did hire a lady to come in and do the cooking for us, so I could BF and not get exhausted.
It's up to you what you're prepared to do. Maybe if he had a bit more "oomph" about him and general engagement, you would actually want to do stuff for him?

I'm with flanders rocks...

You all need feeding, clean clothes etc... not just the baby. I don't see how you can exclusively care for new baby without covering the basic needs of the rest of the family (nothing fancy and fine if house is messy)

Fair enough if baby has colic or you're fed up/exhausted/its the weekend and he's around, ask him to help or pick up fish and chips on the way home.

When dd2 was born and dd 1 just started school, dh took on role of helping with homework/reading/bedtime and dog walking when new baby was colicky or cluster feeding, but earlier in the day it was fairly easy to get the washing and slow cooker on.

Try to be a team.... it will get easier to get more done and find a bit of time for yourself once baby sleeps better and has a bit of a daytime routine. But seriously don't feel guilty for using baby naps for resting yourself rather than a list of housework jobs.

So when it's her doing the work it's essential, but when he does it's 'helping'. He wants 50/50, and gets it financially, but wants 100% at home. Nope.

First have a chat about it with him. A gentle one. Just say that you've noticed that he hasn't been outlying his weight on the housework-what's up? If he doesn't take the hint then just stop doing things for him.

You all need feeding, clean clothes etc... not just the baby. I don't see how you can exclusively care for new baby without covering the basic needs of the rest of the family
Well I'm all for "prolonged breastfeeding" but I'm not sure that mummy milk is suitable for DH and my six year old.
And laundry is not just one load is it?
A grown man with a DP/ new baby at home complaining about the housework not being done or his supper not being ready for him when he gets in from work is being unreasonable.

My DH works from home. He has a well paying but not very demanding job.
He feeds us all well but never lifts a finger with housework.
As a new mother my day was busier than his. He cooked, we got a cleaner.

Nanny0gg

DD2 is nearly 4 months old

thing is he's a big guy he's 6ft2 with an appetite of a whale! built like a rugby player (but not one) I can cook for him even big portions but 30 mins later he will then go and eat 2 sandwiches crisps and a bowl of cereal! does my head in as you can never fill him up! so then the dishes end up being tripled and he just leaves them!

atm me and baby both have virus' so I think it's annoying me more as I've had probably all of 7 hours sleep in a 4 days and I'm breastfeeding so he can't even take over! which he would... if I told him to.

he is a great guy don't get me wrong but he doesn't use any initiative!

his job isn't strenuous, I've never done his job so I can't say how stressful it is as everyone is different, but even when I'm at work I come home and carry on sorting the children and the house so my day doesn't end until 9pmish whereas he comes home and he's done..

' so then the dishes end up being tripled and he just leaves them! '

That's not a lack of initiative, that's disrespectful. That's a tacit, 'This is your job'. Have you pulled him up on this? 'You haven't been pulling your weight at home,' and don't call it 'helping'. 'I'm not on housewife leave.'

Maybe it was that I had a baby that never stopped crying rather than let me cook dinner or vacuum, but my DP came home every day to a complete bomb site and no dinner. If he hadn't done it, we wouldn't have eaten.
I really hate having chores divided up. At some point I've done 95% of the housework and at some point he's done almost all. It depends on what each other has going on work wise / how dependent the baby is being / how tired either of is etc. I don't keep a tally, and neither does he.

since dd2 has been born there has been times where I've done absolutely nothing but still nothing was done until his day off but he would tidy in a huff! he has actually said tonight let's sort the house on his day off which is a start but I know he won't already because he's got plans on his day off ha!

came home from having dinner at Dsis house, I said oh the house is a bin to which he said I'm tired you're tired just leave it until my day off which is 3 days away to which I replied no because we can't leave dishes that long it'll just end up being me tidying when you're at work. he said nothing. I said right well im going to bed night bla bla, he's not come to bed for ages so I text saying when are you taking the dog and coming to bed he replied "I'm tidying up for you my love" which is lovely but he could have missed out the 'for you' part 'in tidying up' would have just been a great response. but overall I'm gobsmacked

YANBU in the slightest - you're not a skivvy.

Text back 'so you're just washing MY plates then? What about the ones you used?'

Ahhhh this makes me so mad!

DH also decided to opt out of housework when DC arrived having done 50/50 prior to their arrival so like you it didn't need discussing

Suddenly it was as if he just stopped! So now I have 5 people and no help in feeding washing bedtime etc while he had a 'sit down' and watched crap on TV

His idea of 'his tea' was a take out rather than take time to shop or cook - unfair as I had limited funds to do the same if it was 'my turn'

makes me laugh because the rare occasions he's been alone with dd1 for tea he's 'treated' her to domino's, Subway and mcDonald's.. she thinks it's amazing but I think hmm you couldn't be arsed to cook.

He should be coming home, taking the baby from you to give you a break AND sorting tea out. If that means he comes home with a take away or puts baby in a sling while he cooks up some pasta...whatever....it's a partnership, you are on mat leave not "housewife" leave. Your employer is paying you to stay home with the baby, they are NOT paying you to stay at home and cook his tea. My DH had this same attitude and it contributed greatly towards the current shitty state of our marriage. Tackle it now or I promise it will get worse. Book relationship counselling. You won't regret it

I'm on Mat Leave too, I do most of the household chores and cooking. I do nag at DH to help, his response used to be 'you're at home all day'. So I told him 50% of the mess is yours too so why should I do it all, i'm not a housewife or SAHM and you're in for a shock when I go back to work...
He is a little bit better now. I have to ask him to do it, but he will eventually.

the smallest things would make a big difference even coming downstairs to the dishes in soak whatever something just SOMETHING is better than nothing. Atleast he tried last night which has given me a boost today, teas prepped already dd2 actually slept last night so I feel a bit more awake today! I going to just be straight with him and say how I'm not doing it all because quite frankly I'm the children's mother not his! I'm not prepared to mother him if we are a partnership unless he wants to pay my way and I don't go back to work 😂 but that won't happen

Do not I repeat NOT even think about being a SAHM with a husband who doesn't value your contribution. Let alone with a partner , who can walk away any time it suits him with no ties.

This man doesn't respect you. Why would you give up your career and you and your kids financial security for him?