ABUI to tell DP to pull his finger out because I'm not a HW

[SunshineLollipopsRainbows25]

We have a house together a 2DC DC1 is from a previous relationship so I take sole responsibility for her and always have, I'm in charge of everything for her is let him take some role but he never tries, now I worked FT before DC2 and I'm now currently on Maternity leave... since being on maternity leave he texts me asking what's for tea? he does not cleaning/tidying he's given up doing everything because he goes to work and I'm home. which I wouldn't mind if I was a SAHM and he was paying for everything but I'm not a SAHM I'm a working mum who is on maternity leave!! I pay my own way and half towards everything I'm not his nanny now I'm at home!

would I be being unreasonable to sit him down and tell him to sort his own shit out and tidy up after himself and help around the house more because I'm not his effing mother maid?? unless he's going to pay my way and me not go back to work I'm not going to be??

if all I've done all day is look after our DC2 whilst DC1 is at school and done no house work I feel judged! if there's no tea for him to come home too he has a big huff. but why can't he make me tea?? even on his day off he asks me "what's for tea?" I don't know what you making???

Lazy-MARE-itis even

I don't think YABU.

I'm also on mat leave with 2 DC and DH works full time in a stressful senior role. DD1 is at nursery 3 days per week and the baby is at home with me all the time. I tend to do 90% of the housework during the 3 baby only days, but if it doesn't get done around baby classes and appointments or even occasional lunches with friends or sheer tiredness, DH doesn't mind at all. We've both lowered our expectations a bit, but they were unattainably high before.

We take cooking in turns. In fact, DH probably does more. He also spends the minute amount of free time he has renovating our house and goes 50/50 with childcare when he's home, including getting up in the night with the baby if she wakes.

DH is pretty fabulous, but I think it's the way it should be.

Honestly I don't think getting tea on the table should be too hard. Basic simple food.
Yes spend time with baby but I don't really think you need to just spend all day gazing adoringly at them.
Love how everyone has time to flit about at baby classes and eat cake and show absolutely no respect to their husbands.
I am on mat leave...i clean and cook and look after the children. I look after my husband too... he's working full time and often exhausted as he helps at night. I love him so why wouldn't I cook him tea?

Who the hell are all these women who take 9 months to 'recover' from childbirth?!? This thread is seriously odd

Before you started ttc what kind of discussion and agreement did you come to about your mat leave, division of household labour and finances?

I am on mat leave...i clean and cook and look after the children. I look after my husband too

Snap. Same as me.

And in 3 months time when SPL kicks in, I go back to work and DH is on leave for 3 months, I expect him to do the same.

If you do too much on mat leave, partners get used to it and then expect it to continue when you return, especially if you have fewer hours/earn less...

Hopeful only if your dh is a prick.

Exactly. You're meant to be a team. If dh was at home and I was out I'd expect things done. It doesn't matter who's paying what etc it matters that you work together to make family life run smooth

If getting tea on the table isn't too hard then surely the OPs husband could do it when he gets home? After all that's what 100% of single people do. And 100% of single parents.

And it's what he will be doing every night if the OP dumps his sorry arse.

The problem is your not a team and never have been especially fact he has never been hands on with your dd. I would never would have had dd with dh if he wasn't accepting of DS from previous relationship. He is as hands on with him as DS was part of household we shared together it was only right he played an active role in his life. It's worked even as we have extended our family further as we are a team and that includes all dc within our family. I think your resentment stems from him not being as hands on with your dd. As for cooking and cleaning I always done it because I worked less hours and I have done it on maternity leave because as well as caring for my dc I was able to maintain the household and provide tea whilst he supported the household going out to work. The problem here is you are not a team. My DH will see to the dc whilst I cook and clean and get them ready for bed, it works for us.

But why wouldn't you do it? I'd find it pretty rough dh coming in after a long day and having to make his own dinner when I'd been in the house all day and had the time to sort it. Yeah sometimes he does have to if I've been out etc but by and large I like to make sure he gets his tea.
And he does almost all the laundry and dishes. And he never lets me change a nappy once he's home. And he fetches me a cuppa in bed and a thousand other little things. But yes I think if you are on mat leave you should take pride in running your house.

he does take responsibility for my DD1 but he only knows what to do if I tell him he will drive her places, look after her if told, pick her up from school on his day off and things like that he does all the fun bits but he wouldn't say I'm going to the shop and take her with him unless I said take her with you its like it doesn't cross his mind.

I don't mind making tea but some days I'll sort the children but just cba when he gets home from work, and when he says what's for tea and I say I don't know what do you want he doesn't give me any ideas, so I make whatever and before now he's said oh great that's a boring tea so I wanted to throw it in his face i think ever since that comment is when it's been bugging me. and just when he leaves cups In the living room or on the floor it's like it's not hard to take it to the kitchen nothing happens In the house unless I tidy it and then he asks where things are and I could tell you where everything is in that house he can't even find his ties for work which I don't even touch I swear he looks round like a child would!

That makes no sense though because he's not single and neither is the op.

I honestly don't understand this mentality some women have of 'fuck you dh, I'll do for me and the kids, you sort yourself out' just to prove some kind of point.

Presumably you (general) love your dh? You're a unit? Why try and be araey, why not just do the cleaning and/or make the dinner if you're home all day and can?

When I'm back in work in 3 months and dh is off with ds3, I do NOT expect to be coming home to have to cook and clean every night!

You don't sound very family based, you have a DC from previous relationship but he has nothing to do with her, she's just your responsibility?

On my maternity leave I looked after my DS but also did housework, washing and cooking and cleaning.

A baby doesn't generally require constant attention through the day that it stops you sticking a load of washing on, or picking up something on the stairs on your way up.

I wouldn't expect DH to come home after work then cook me dinner because I've been looking after a baby, I'd get dinner ready as I'm already home and there. If I couldn't possibly manage it then I'd ask DH to do it when he got home.

If you want to do nothing during the day other than looking after the baby then surely it should have been spoken about before as in "once the baby is here, I'm dedicating all my mat leave to nothing but baby duties therefore housework and dinner will fall to you"

It's like night feeds, I did all of those because I didn't have to be alert through the day for work. dS woke and fed every two hours for the first 8 weeks then started on 4 hours and was sleeping 10pm till 6pm from 16 weeks so I slept ok on the nights then.

Again even with not much sleep, I didn't sleep during the day but even now I only get 4/5 hours sleep a night because I'm an awful sleeper anyway.

If your struggling to cope with the new baby and can't do nothing in the house other than care for baby, then you need to tell him. But I found divided households really hard to get my head round anyway but accept that it works for some.

Until I read more posts on here, I didn't realise how family roles are heavily criticised and condemned. Even SAHM are livid that they are expected to tidy and cook yet to me that encompasses the role of staying at home. I wouldn't.mind if it worked both ways but there's definitely double standards in many households on here.

Do you have some sort of team agreement?

For example, if I askeed DH what he wanted for tea, he would always be unable to tell me. So I don't ask. However in return, he does not get to tell me that my ideas are boring.

If I make tea which is always he washes up fine by me, I hate it

These are standard operating procedures in our house that protect us from killing each other.

I just don't understand the set up that's being suggested here: when you load the dishwasher do you stop and separate out your partners clothes so you don't have to wash them? Do you make supper for you and the kids and not the husband?!

I found I had lots of time on maternity leave and I agree it's fairly unusual to need 9 months to recover from birth and settle into your new life. Some women have horrendous experiences of course, but it's not to be expected.

If I didn't fancy cooking dinner I'd just ask him to or order a take away. No harm done surely? He's just asking what's for dinner, if he doesn't the conversation about who does it will never happen will it?

Yes DH leaves stuff about because he 'doesn't know where it goes' - learned helplessness, there have been many threads.

Also sounds like he isn't doing his share with the DCs - poor little diddums, how should he know what to do with his DCs that he has seen grow up? OBViously the DM must advise everytime.

The thing for me is that the DH increases the volume of housework to be done. You are already doing everything else, so it's ok that you do his mess too??? REally?

The thing to bear in mind is you are receiving mat pay in order to recover from the birth and care for your baby during the most intense phase of its life with little sleep etc. Your work aren't paying for you to be a housewife and you DP needs to respect that.

If he's not paying anything he should do 50 50 on the household chores personally or it's taking the piss. The op is looking after a baby.

We have a house together a 2DC DC1 is from a previous relationship so I take sole responsibility for her and always have, I'm in charge of everything for her is let him take some role but he never tries, now I worked FT before DC2

Sorry this implied he didn't do much with your dd1 but your update states otherwise. I'm confused which it is.

This is a conversation that should be had pre TTC (and moving in with DP, if you already have existing DC).

Your DP is, rightly or wrongly, expecting certain things in the household because you both failed to establish how your family would work before introducing another DC into the relationship.

His expectations are only unreasonable if you both established how the family works together and he is now expecting something different.

I don’t think there is a one size fits all for how a house should be run when one partner is on maternity/paternity leave.

It is for you now to sit down together and talk about how you both work as a team to raise your family, rather than just telling him to sort his shit out.

Neither of you are necessarily BU and this does not need to be dealt with by declaring war! Talking to him about a collaborative approach is much more constructive for your long term relationship and hopefully sets the tone for any future issues that arise.

Spending all day doing nothing other than 'looking after the baby' and then splitting chores evenly with the other parent is nothing other than lazy-mare-itis.
This ^^ And how long exactly does it take to make a meal?! Peel a few veg (or use frozen out of the bag), whack some potatoes in / rice on etc, meat in, or pasta in a pan. We're not talking 3 course dinner.