ABUI to tell DP to pull his finger out because I'm not a HW

[SunshineLollipopsRainbows25]

We have a house together a 2DC DC1 is from a previous relationship so I take sole responsibility for her and always have, I'm in charge of everything for her is let him take some role but he never tries, now I worked FT before DC2 and I'm now currently on Maternity leave... since being on maternity leave he texts me asking what's for tea? he does not cleaning/tidying he's given up doing everything because he goes to work and I'm home. which I wouldn't mind if I was a SAHM and he was paying for everything but I'm not a SAHM I'm a working mum who is on maternity leave!! I pay my own way and half towards everything I'm not his nanny now I'm at home!

would I be being unreasonable to sit him down and tell him to sort his own shit out and tidy up after himself and help around the house more because I'm not his effing mother maid?? unless he's going to pay my way and me not go back to work I'm not going to be??

if all I've done all day is look after our DC2 whilst DC1 is at school and done no house work I feel judged! if there's no tea for him to come home too he has a big huff. but why can't he make me tea?? even on his day off he asks me "what's for tea?" I don't know what you making???

I just don't understand the set up that's being suggested here: when you load the dishwasher do you stop and separate out your partners clothes so you don't have to wash them? Do you make supper for you and the kids and not the husband?!

For me it's more that DH didn't get to abdicate all responsibility for the housework just because I was on ml. I did the same level of hw on ml that I did (and do) when i am at work.

I didn't expect him to get up in the middle of the night as I understood he needed to get up for work. DH didn't expect me to be doing housework when DS napped as he understood having a bit of downtime to nap or relax myself was no different to him having a bit of downtime to relax after he had been working all day.

Aquathest I read this as everything was shared equally but DH now is expecting more to come under OPs responsibilities because she's on MAT leave. So not really something they could've discussed in advance.

The thing I don't get about this is you both have to eat- why the angst? Why shouldn't you make it? One of you has to do you'll be doing it at least 50% of the time

'This ^^ And how long exactly does it take to make a meal?! Peel a few veg (or use frozen out of the bag), whack some potatoes in / rice on etc, meat in, or pasta in a pan. We're not talking 3 course dinner.'

People manage to do it even after working out of the home, too! Imagine! So he can easily do just that.

I'm with the person who pointed out that all this should have been discussed before TTC. But since it wasn't, well, stop doing all the housework. Tell him you're on mat leave, not 1950s housewife leave.

Better yet, go back to work.

Like most things on this thread 'looking after a baby' is subjective too.

For me, it has included teaching both my DDs 'to swim' from 6/7 weeks old and to use makaton. This can take several hours out of my day in travelling and classes that I obviously then don't have to cook and clean a large house.

I'm not a loon who expects them to be able to do these things in early infancy, but I do think it's good for their development and it keeps me sane too. We therefore think they are essential. Going from responsible job (which I've studied for years and years to obtain) to cooking, washing, cleaning and feeding a baby exclusively would drive me absolutely bonkers. DH wouldn't have married in someone for whom that kind of life would be satisfying. There's nothing wrong with it, it's just not 'us'.

I'm in the same boat as you!
I work full time and do everything for the children, husband, pets, house and garden. My two days off are filled with catching up on the house work and organising for the week ahead.
I'm tired and starting to feel really ill. I pay 50/50 on bills. I get no time for myself.
So I've stopped doing his washing, the plates/cups he leaves are still there. I get the look when there is no tea ready or the house isn't cleaned. He sits and plays online computer games all evening - drives me nuts.
Sometimes I don't sit down till about 10pm.
So yes tell him to pull his finger out.
I'm hoping my husband is going to catch on soon that I'm no longer doing everything..
I envy my friends on there weekend trips out as a family!

bubblebubblepop

exactly we couldn't have discussed it before, also I don't mind making tea but if he gave me ideas of what he wanted or brought home some sort of food for me to cook that's fine.

I also do all the washing and cleaning he helps now n then but it's nothing consistent

I feel like this has come across worse than it is, it's just little things that niggle me and they niggled me today that's why I've written this thread without thinking it through and supplying all the facts.

basically he can't think for himself since I've been on mat leave and has fallen into the expectations that I should do it but because of that I've become annoyed and was wondering whether I'm being stupid and get over it or actually say something and make something of it.

he is very obedient but I don't like to tell him what to do as I think he should just do it and if it comes up into conversation he just says well you never told me to... but he doesn't sit there telling me to bath the kids or put the washing in but I do it anyway I just don't see why he doesn't think oo washing up.. I'll wash up. not for me but just because it needs doing.

sharkbaithoohaha

he sounds like mine, comes in and just watches YouTube.. glad you understand.

also it's not like I'd leave him were a good couple he's just useless at life stuff.

I organise all days out and events, friends coming over/ seeing family!

DC1 was at school the other day and on his day off he said shall we go out for lunch. I literally cried with excitement that he came up with something on his own

I think it depends on how old the baby is tbh. If a few days/weeks old, then obviously you are still recovering from the birth. If 10 months old, most people have more or less recovered and are able to do a bit more around the house.

'I'm hoping my husband is going to catch on soon that I'm no longer doing everything.. '

I doubt it. You're paying 50% of everything, so you do 50% and leave the rest of it. These men aren't 'useless at life', they're just lazy and CBA'd.

So financially you are both still paying 50/50, he goes to work during the day and you stay at home to look after DC2 (which your work are currently paying you to do), and he's turned into a lazy, entitled, selfish bastard who cannot pick up after himself? Have I got that right?

Maternity leave is called maternity leave for a reason. It's not 'housewives' leave. It's not 'dinner on the table by 5' leave. It's not 'pick up after your twattish partner's' leave. It's not 'bake muffins for your manz' leave. It's MATERNITY leave. It's time off from work for a woman to recover from birth and get to grips with the new addition. The OP is still paying equally into the financial pot, but because she's at home she should take full responsibility for all housework, childcare and meals? I think not. Talk about having your cake and eating it. He can pull his finger out his arse and do his fair share. An equal share of the financial commitments should mean an equal share of the housework, etc.

Your body goes through so much during pregnancy and labour. I hate this 'women have babies everyday!' attitude where we're expected to jump up within 24 hours like nothing has happened and carry on as usual. It's total bullshit. Recovering from giving birth can take a lot of time. Throw into the mix breastfeeding, sleepless nights, sleep deprivation and an overwhelming change in lifestyle, and you can feel like you're paddling in quick sand. It is never as simple as just 'being at home all day'.

It takes an hour to run the hoover round, wipe down the counter tops, chuck a load of laundry in the machine and give the bathroom a quick clean. The OP's DP is more than capable of committing an hour or two to doing just this every week. Throwing together a meal can take 30 minutes. So why can't he do that for three or four nights a week? He's a grown man with a child. The days of Peter Panning his way through life are sadly over. He needs to grow up and do his bit for his family.

You knew you would be at home after having DC2, 9 months before it happened and so could have established how the house would run while on maternity leave.

And it isn’t since you have been on Mat leave that he cannot think for himself because you have already said that you had to tell him what to do when it came to DC1... yet are now surprised you are still having to do the same now you have had DC2.

chicrock

we didn't discuss it as it wasn't a problem before

Do you have some sort of team agreement?

For example, if I askeed DH what he wanted for tea, he would always be unable to tell me. So I don't ask. However in return, he does not get to tell me that my ideas are boring.
I do this... but sometimes I don't cook anything. I'm not the default cook who has to fill all the gaps, if he can't think of something for tea he can't assume I can. Then there's nothing for tea. 'Oh you didn't have any ideas and nor did i' My dh learnt pretty quickly what pulling is weight meant, which is the secret to a happy marriage in my books.
But I can't get over all the posters who have taken the time to say how little time and effort tea takes (in which case why can't dh do it ,at least on one of his DAYS OFF WORK, it's not like he's been cleaning all day) and not bothered to comment on the op being on Mat pay, expected to do everything, and her dps finances haven't changed. Fuck that.

The attitudes of so many on this thread are so, so wrong.

Quite a few have commented on how the op is still paying in half and the like. Yeah and...what? If she wasn't earning she should do more? But financially contributing means she does no more than 50%?

Finances and household chores aren't linked at all in my house which is the only way I'd want it.

Dh is very lucky in that when he takes over parental leave he's going to be on full pay for 3 months. He'll still be earning more than me. I still expect him to do the lion's share of housework as he's home every day, just as I do now.

ive always thought the person who is at home looking after kids be that a man or a woman does the housework also!

he does take responsibility for my DD1 but he only knows what to do if I tell him he will drive her places, look after her if told, pick her up from school on his day off and things like that he does all the fun bits but he wouldn't say I'm going to the shop and take her with him unless I said take her with you its like it doesn't cross his mind.

He is going to be EXACTLY the same with his own child.

I often think extended maternity leave is in some ways bad for women as it gets fathers used to the mother doing everything for the baby and doing the majority of work in the house (since she is there - you wouldn't expect the nanny of a newborn to do much housework or cooking for the employers) and when maternity leave ends, nothing changes.

If he calls you asking what is for tea say "no idea". Stop doing his laundry. Tell him he has to pull his weight. Good luck. Don't for a moment think he will improve on his own - or that he will take responsibility for his own child in any significant way unless he has a major reset.

flanders that's true in healthy relationships. In my marriage earnings would never come up re housework, or any other spending. But the ops doesn't sound healthy-this is when women need to watch out for using all their limited Mat funds to keep the family and doing all the drudge work while the dp has plenty of funds and doesn't lift a finger, including on weekends.

I still expect him to do the lion's share of housework as he's home every day, just as I do now.

And will you text him every day asking what is for tea? Will you stop lifting a finger to help in the house once you are home?

If so, good luck to the two of you.

Jesus christ. It literally takes 15 minutes to boil pasta, set table, stir some pesto in and open a baag of salad.

What are you doing all day? Gazing slack jawed at your new baby?

I think you should suggest he takes shared parental leave for the last three months of your maternity allowance, and you go back to work. Then you can call him from work to ask what's for tea ;)

(In reality, I have no idea whether shared parental leave can be arranged so late on.)

'Jesus christ. It literally takes 15 minutes to boil pasta, set table, stir some pesto in and open a baag of salad.

What are you doing all day? Gazing slack jawed at your new baby?'

Then he's capable of doing it just as much as she is. Personally, too, some pasta with a bit of pesto and a salad wouldn't be a meal to me, either.

'I often think extended maternity leave is in some ways bad for women as it gets fathers used to the mother doing everything for the baby and doing the majority of work in the house (since she is there - you wouldn't expect the nanny of a newborn to do much housework or cooking for the employers) and when maternity leave ends, nothing changes.'

I agree.

Yanbu.

There was a weird shift in my relationship áfter having ds. Suddenly I was being asked what was for tea and where are the towels etc. I'd be bloody knackered after no sleep and day alone - he'd come home, ask what was for tea, go to gym for hour or so.

It was a very lonely and frustrating time for me. I had pnd and think his behaviour was big factor in that.

We're separated now and I'm far happier cleaning my own mess and arranging my own meals.

Such an excellent point about a nanny and their duties. No one would suggest that a nanny of a newborn and a toddler was " sitting all day gazing at the baby " . She would only care for the children and do child related housework i.e. Clean children's rooms and clothes and prepare children's meals .

It would be fine for her to take lunch breaks and coffee breaks and to take the children to activities. All this would be seen as valuable and valid work, worthy of pay, respect, time off and holidays.

But when a woman on maternity leave does these things she's seen as lazy and selfish .

Why don't you both sit down and work out 31 meals you both like, and you can just pick 7 for the coming week, and then buy the things to make them, that way you can choose when to make them.
Slowcookers are good as you chuck it all in and 6 hours later the meal is there to eat when needed.
Tell him that you he can use one cup, and needs to wash it up, to resuse it, when he says no, tell him then he better take the one he uses out.