To never see my dad without his wife there?

[lizziejs]

I’m mid 30’s. Parents divorced when I was in my teens due my dad having an affair. My dad subsequently married OW. My siblings and I must have met her the first time when I was about 17 because we thought if they were going to keep being together, we might as well get it out in the open and try and move forward. I really regret making it so easy for them now.

Since then I have very rarely seen my dad without his new wife there. She literally comes to everything. She’s not got kids of her own and is pretty awkward around mine who are 10 months and 2.

I don’t really like his wife but have always been really kind for my dads sake (which has really upset my mum who is a really brilliant mother.) I always send thoughtful birthday gifts, help when we go to their house, talk to her, seem interested etc. I’ve done my best in what’s felt like tricky circumstances.

Is it normal and acceptable that I never see my dad without this woman (who I never invited into my life and has caused my siblings and I so much misery) being there? I don’t want her there every time - I would just like the odd visit with just my dad so I don’t have to be on best behaviour with this woman who isn’t my family and is so different to anyone else I would choose to be around. It’s like being with a colleague.

Step-parents, do you do this? Does it feel like an ok thing to never allow your partners children to see them without you being there? I’m just interested if other adult children feel this.

I’ve never spoken to my dad about this. He would go all silent and be really ‘hurt’ by it and it would probably be more weird. I’m currently just avoiding seeing them at all.

My dad was like this. It was so annoying. I sympathise, OP.

I think it is fair enough that you want to see your dad alone sometimes, however, you seem to be blaming his wife for the fact that this doesn't happen. He's the one that's your dad - it's not up to her to manage your relationship.

I think you would need to suggest that you do something just the 2 of you - don't make it about her but make it about the 2 of you. He shouldn't be hurt - you are not saying you don't want to see his wife.

Dizzybintess my goodness your FIL sounds like a giant arse, I am so sorry. I guess the good thing is that he doesn't sound a great person to have around but I am very sorry your dear husband.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin "To flip the picture..." and "What if someone tried to isolate out your partner/DH? you wouldnt be happy would you?"

It's not isolating a person not to want to see them!

Unless the OP's Dh and kids are responsible for the break up of the OP's father's parents marriage the imagery is pretty inappropriate.

Plus it is not so odd to want to see one's child without their life partner, a bit hard to pry them away from small children but I definitely hope my kids will not have to have partner on their arm every time they see me, when they are older!

Lovemusic33 "I know it's hard but you are an adult and can't expect your DF to be on his own when he visits you if he has a wife/partner."

Her father is also an adult. Why can't he be expected to go anywhere without his wife!

"I know it's not easy, I have the same issue with my mum and her new partner, I don't particularly like him, he's not always nice to my dc and we often class but he has married my mum and they are together most of the time. Occasionally if he's busy I get to see my mum for an hour without him being there. I basically just suck it up."
No actually you don't need to put your children in the presnse of a man who us unpleasant to them, you can say to your mum you want to see her alone or with your children. Maybe yuo run the risk she will put her new husband ahead of you, but to be honest if a man was being horrible to my kids I woudl not put them anywhere near him, even if it meant not seeing my mum.

As is often the case, I agree with expatinscotland

Great posts from FizzyGreenWater and cordelia.

OP do exactly what YOU want to do, your dad did.

Also, in reverse, I sometimes see my parents without my DH there and encourage him to do the same with his family. Of course my mum would never ask for him not to come and she likes him a lot, it's just that she enjoys being with just me for a good gossip occasionally and I can see that. It's nothing personal against him at all - and this situation needn't be either!

My exH is like your dad OP and has been since our dd was 9. She even asked for time with just him and he said no. She went NC for a good few months before she caved and saw then together. Even now (dd is 17) it is rare she sees her dad alone and she is NC again as they're being horrible about money.
It's sad but unfortunately it seems like perhaps as they got together under affair/mistrust scenario that they have become an insecure couple who cannot function alone or don't trust each other enough?

Maybe buy your SM a spa day and then go along to see your dad then!?!?!

, but I wonder if the step parent thing is a red herring but more noticible and sensitive because of the step situation

So nothing to do with a parent making a choice to bring someone into his children's lives that even the most self absorbed person imaginable would realise his kids wouldn't be terribly impressed by then?

Thanks everyone for your kind advice and points of view, all of them have been really helpful. I’ve never posted on here before but it’s been so useful to get so many viewpoints and I feel like I’m much closer to a resolution in my mind.

To the women who are encouraging their partners and husbands to spend time with their kids alone, you definitely least doing something right and your step kids are lucky to have you. To those who are in this situation - at least we aren’t alone!

Lots of comments about the fact that I blame the OW, this is a fair point and I suspect although I do consider my dad a bit of a spineless bastard, I do think I’ve held her in a view of being controlling and now ‘allowing’ us to have time alone. Your replies have made me realise this possibly isn’t the case, and while she could do more to stand back/facilitate, it should be down to my dad. Perhaps you are right, they are a couple, so do most things together and this is one of them. Maybe it’s not born out of malice but habit. I am going to really bare this in mind.

Some comments that suggest I should move on/forgive/accept the situation. I would be eager to do this but it’s tricky. I really do not agree with what they did. Is caused huge disruption and sadness. Morally, I don’t agree with cheating like I don’t agree with other things, like theft. I’m not the type of person to ‘have it out’ or give someone a piece of my mind, I would just steer clear of them. I avoid people who I know are cheating because I don’t like it - although this is tricky given that it’s my dad and I don’t want to cut him out.

Out of interest, of the people who have said ‘he’s your dads life partner, accept it and move on’ type things. Has anyone actually been in this situation and successfully managed to genuinely like and respect them? If so, how? I’m a forgiving person and don’t really hold grudges about anything else but 20 Year’s on I’m still bitter about this.

fizzygreenwater - such a brilliant post by the way. I wish I had the courage to do this! I am going to show it to my mum and it will male her day.

I think what I’m going to do is carry on as I’m doing (being a pathetic passive aggressive wimp and just avoiding them) and then I’m going to suggest some little things like ‘you know if X ever goes out with the girls you are always welcome to come to ours for lunch/dinner, whilst in the knowledge he isn’t doing it intentionally, and he doesn’t realise. I can’t face causing friction.

It really is his loss. I was on tv with my kids recently and there was about 30 seconds to a minute when the camera was on my son doing an activity. I filmed it and WhatsApp’s the clip to him and he replied that he had seen the programme but not spotted any of us. My son was wearing a top he had sent him for his birthday!

I think you need to not invest too much time and effort in trying to get him to be the father you want him to be.

He is the father that he is - probably a bit spineless and willing to be controlled.

You could probably shock him into being a bit more like you would want him for a while, but I expect he would revert back.

Work out what you are comfortable eg Sunday tea once or twice a year and Easter/Christmas, or something and just stick to that. Send pictures, cards etc and maintain the relationship on a formal level.

Put the effort in where it is appreciated

If I were to lose DH, God forbid, and remarry, I would encourage my new DH or DP to have a good relationship with my DC but it's not something you can force.

However, I cannot imagine not wanting to see my DC separately or continue to have a separate relationship with them. The new DP could not expect to have the same relationship, there are so many years of shared memories and experiences which they would not be part of.

I don't understand the attitude often posted here that once anyone acquires a 'partner', the 'family of origin' become redundant. Most people are capable of having a number of different separate and close relationships.