To never see my dad without his wife there?

[lizziejs]

I’m mid 30’s. Parents divorced when I was in my teens due my dad having an affair. My dad subsequently married OW. My siblings and I must have met her the first time when I was about 17 because we thought if they were going to keep being together, we might as well get it out in the open and try and move forward. I really regret making it so easy for them now.

Since then I have very rarely seen my dad without his new wife there. She literally comes to everything. She’s not got kids of her own and is pretty awkward around mine who are 10 months and 2.

I don’t really like his wife but have always been really kind for my dads sake (which has really upset my mum who is a really brilliant mother.) I always send thoughtful birthday gifts, help when we go to their house, talk to her, seem interested etc. I’ve done my best in what’s felt like tricky circumstances.

Is it normal and acceptable that I never see my dad without this woman (who I never invited into my life and has caused my siblings and I so much misery) being there? I don’t want her there every time - I would just like the odd visit with just my dad so I don’t have to be on best behaviour with this woman who isn’t my family and is so different to anyone else I would choose to be around. It’s like being with a colleague.

Step-parents, do you do this? Does it feel like an ok thing to never allow your partners children to see them without you being there? I’m just interested if other adult children feel this.

I’ve never spoken to my dad about this. He would go all silent and be really ‘hurt’ by it and it would probably be more weird. I’m currently just avoiding seeing them at all.

I'm a stepmum (not an OW version). I think it's really important that my stepkids get to spend time with their dad without me there. I'm not precious about it at all, and generally it's me suggesting / facilitating it. I think if you're a stepmum you need to be the one who's pro-active about supporting your OH's relationship with their kids - it's a strong message to the kids that they belong and that they're a priority, and helps to build trust, bringing you a step (no pun intended) closer to becoming a half-decent blended family. Otherwise you kind of end up on the back foot.
I'm sorry you're in this situation OP. Sounds jolly difficult. Not unreasonable AT ALL to want to see your dad by himself.

Sorry haven't read all the replies so apologies if this looks odd in context with previous posts.

We are in the very young stages of our step family, my first DD has just turned 2 and DH has a son with a woman he met when he was younger.

DSD is 8 and comes to our house every weekend; I always make sure I take my DD out to my mums on Saturdays so they get time by themselves together. Would feel intrusive to be there all the time and I imagine he would feel spurned to - I'm aware that he may have feelings about being non resident to our family unit, especially as he has no siblings apart from DD, so think it's important to have that time.

I would feel awkward myself being around him all the time, you are not this woman's child as close as she may feel to you she should be aware on some level that you would want to spend time with your dad alone?

I'm a stepmum and I'm really quite conscious of this and actively encourage my DH to spend time with his kids (early 20s - we've been together about 12 years) on his own. But also have to balance that with not looking like I don't want to see them - which isn't the case.

But I'm really aware that their primary relationship is with him. So if there's a film at the cinema I'll suggest he takes which kid is around and not me as well, if I'm out with mates for tea he'll get them round for dinner - other times I'll be there.

Luckily him and his ex get on well and I get on well with her too which really helps so there's no awkwardness of them meeting or going to things together.

talk to your dad - let him know that you'd occasionally like to spend some time with just him and find a good excuse for that which is something that she'll be happy not doing

YANBU to want exclusive time with df sometimes. It is weird never to!

YABU to not let the past go and keep blaming her in your mind for your parents divorcing but I can understand why you would feel a bit bitter tbh and like you say df isn't blameless which is fair enough.

Why are things so tense after all these years? Why does she still feel 'like a colleague' when you must have spent so much time together?

OP I could've written this. My parents split about 5 years ago. I don't think my dads partner was an OW but she was definitely on the scene. Since then I can count on one hand how many times I've seen my dad on his own. I have nothing against his partner, but I don't know her that well and feel like I always have to be making an effort to talk to her rather than just catching up with my dad. I also know that me seeing her and playing happy families really upsets my mum. I'm very very close to my mum and this just makes it all the more difficult for me.
It's a tough one.

Some of these accounts are bitterly sad; its not what I'd call a warm and loving relationship. But everyone is right aren't they, you have to ask him, if he makes a fuss or gets "hurt" by your simple suggestion, you have your answer. I hope its the right one.

The same used to happen to me. The stepmother would always be there. She'd also make excuses about our not being able to stay at their house (the spare room not being finished yet, this was used for years, and we, my brother and I, never ever stayed with them, the rest of the house was finished, all beautifully decorated, and we weren't allowed into the upstairs bedrooms, or shown around on the occasions we visited). It was almost as if she was jealous of us, too, nasty and critical and condescending.

I blame my father for allowing it to happen. I overheard a conversation where he asked her to try to have more patience with us. We weren't badly behaved, very shy and quiet children.

It might be worth having a word, OP. I don't see what else you can do.

I don't see my father at all now, funnily enough. Contact grew less and less then disappeared entirely.

Your Dad is the married man with 3 kids who chose to have an affair and break up his family to be with this woman, yes, she shoulders part of the blame but she didn't make any vows or commitments to your mother and you kids - HE did. Why is he getting a pass on this when she isn't? HE's the one at fault here, if he doesn't recognise that one on one time with you and your sibs is important to you occasionally how is it her responsibility to recognise it? He's the one you should be blaming here not her.

My situation is slightly different in that I get on really well with my stepmum but I also suggest daddy/daughter days every so often and arrange something for us to do just together. I explained it to him as it being nice for us to do stuff together and I'd want the same if he was still with my mum. I might have missed it but so you tend to go to visit them or do they visit your home? If you're going to third then you have to respect its her home too and she's got every right to be there and if you invite him to your but without saying you want some time alone with him then he's likely to bring her. He won't know you want alone time with him unless you tell him and you don't need to link it to your feelings about their affair or their relationship, it's perfectly normal for us to want to spend time alone with a parent or sibling.
I do make sure my partner sees his son on his own but he's a young boy and we make the arrangements, I have always made it clear to DS that if he wants more time alone he just needs to tell us.

I do understand how you feel. However ... like it or not, she's his wife. They are a couple. They are going to do most things together - the circumstances in which they became a couple aren't really relevant here. Put it this way - if you have kids, once they are married they'll probably mostly visit you with their spouses, too. Couples do tend to come as a unit, more often than not.

If you were still a teenager, I think that yes, it would be reasonable to ask if you could see your dad on his own - but you're in your mid-30s now and I think you just need to try and let go of some of the resentment you have. I know that's not easy, believe me! But a lot of time has passed since your parents split, and this is just how things are now.

I have a SM and am a SM and I spend time with my Dad alone, or with just Dad and siblings sometimes, and I LOVE it when my DSC do things with their Dad. They're young and I love them to bits and we have plenty of family time all together but I'm always encouraging them to kick a ball in the park with him so I can watch TV and drink my coffee while it's still hot clean and tidy the house

From a large family and appreciating time with my parents individually I also offer to have time with one so he can have time with the other.

I'm very fond of my SM, she wasn't the OW, she and DM get on very well, and we all xmas etc together. DH and I see Dad and SM as a four sometimes, and other times Dad will meet me for lunch and say "let's just us have lunch". It means a huge amount to both of us.

Your DM must have been terribly hurt by his behaviour but I can't how she'd be less hurt at you spending time with your Dad instead of both of them. Does it make a difference?

And whatever the past, she's not his "new wife". They've been together half your life.

I'd use one of the good suggestions above and specifically ask for a meal, or a drink or an activity you'd both enjoy just the two of you. Make it clear you're making plans with him alone, and your DH will have your DC.

If he refuses, well his loss and very sad for you as well, but you tried.

I know how you feel @lizziejs.

My own SM is perfectly nice and I get on fine (mostly!), but sometimes I just want to hang out with my dad. But because he lives overseas, it is a special trip for me, so she always ensures her diary/work commitments are cleared for the whole time. I'd be more than happy mooching round, just me and my pa, but there isn't really a way I can phrase that without sounding spiteful towards her.

I have to tell myself she is doing it out of kindness, not malice; and that she is trying to be a good host to visitors. Might that be an avenue you could try to channel?

Yanbu, you should absolutely have time with your Dad alone, but I wonder if the step parent thing is a red herring but more noticible and sensitive because of the step situation.

I spend plenty of time alone with my dad (he is still married to my mum), we have taken a trip together, he came and stayed for a week when I moved house (I live in another country to him), we often walk the dog together just us when I visit them and so on but my parent often do things without the other one, it's not unusual.

My PIL would never come alone, when I was pregnant with dc2 my PIL took my dc1 to her gym class for me (hg couldn't stand up never mind drive). One week FIL called to say they wouldn't be able to take her that week as MIL had a headache and it would be too noisy. Only FIL drives but him coming alone was never an option (he once gave me a lift to collect my car from the garage had to get up early to be there as it opened as I had work and they both came). Some families / couples are just like that.

Could you suggest something, an activity, lunch etc.. Just you and your dad no sm or dh or dc then it won't be about you not spending time with sm but about you and your dad spending time just the 2 of you.

Sorry, OP. But this woman clearly had no qualms about dating a married man, and being half of the cause of breaking up your family. I doubt she is going to want you to have alone time with your dad ... she isn't trustworthy herself, she knows it, and probably views his children this way. She knows what she helped do; she isn't going to give you the chance to say anything negative about her if she can help it, hence she will always be there.

Just my take on people like this...

Don't think much of your dad either. He should want to spend time with his DC as a dad and completely get the desire and need for it ... telling that he hasn't made this happen either. His wife isn't having it.

I'm out of step here, but if it was reversed I would think it weird. If my Mum, I don't have a Dad, asked to see me but said that she did not want to see my DH I would go but feel very odd about it. Ultimately if she asked to see my without my DH regularlaly I would probably go but she would become massively marginalised from my life.
I think your situation is more complicated as your SM was the OW.

I don't know whether YABU or not tbh.

Your dad must have been with her for nearly 20 years now so she's quite a permanent feature in your life, like it or not. And it sounds like she does make an effort with you. As for breaking up your parents marriage, your dad is equally responsible for this and I should imagine there are circumstances you may not know everything about.

I have a SM who has been in my life for nearly 40 years. I was very young when my dad had an affair and left my mum for her. She was always there when I visited but she has been a very positive influence on my life. Growing up I couldn't imagine my parents still being together so I guess that's the difference.

My parents are still together and stuck like bloody glue. It’s impossible to get either of them alone at all. Just how they are I guess. They do volunteering and hobby classes separately but that’s it.

They're a couple - I don't think it's unreasonable that you see him all the time with her. It's certainly not her issue - as your dad he should be saying that he wants/needs to go on his own sometimes if that's what you ask him to do. If he always wants to visit with her that's his prerogative. It's up to you how much you see of them.

YANBU but you are being a bit of a wimp not speaking to your dad honestly about your feelings!

He should have more sensitivity and is very lucky you have been so accomodating, but you are an adult who has every right to your valid feelings and should be able to discuss this with your dad.

Have you never said 'dad much as l very much like xxxx l really would like to have some one to one dad time with you too, could we do lunch/coffee/hobby together once a fortnight/ week...as well as our usual get togethers'
, if you think it would help, then sweeten the pill by saying maybe you and xxx could have some girl time and go shopping occasionally ( very occasionally in practice)

Or talk to Stepmum first and explain....you have always made her welcome now it is her turn to accomodate your feelings.

Have to say l am shocked by how many here never see their parents apart!
Mine still married in their 80s but l often make arrangements with one or the other, ie mum shopping/lunch which dad would HATE,
and I go to golf with Dad sometimes....

Very different conversations with each... both endless source of support and interest.

Pluck up courage and stand your ground, time your dad respected YOUR feelings.

I do see my mom a fair bit without my dad but I never really see my dad without my mom - they are still together but Dad works and Mom doesn't so if I am popping in it would mainly be in the day otherwise it is more arranged and therefore as a family.

Do you think actually it is more your dad being needy than your SM being insistent when she is there? If he is a serial cheat then it sounds like he is never happy unless the attention is on him and now has settled with a wife who has no children so therefore is probably her sole focus.

How long have they been together? You say you don't really like her but is this because she is not a nice person or is it because of the affair? If it is because of the latter and you are civil enough then why don't you try speaking to her? You say your dad would get all quiet and hurt but it sounds as if he s a bit weak in some respects and maybe he pushes her into always being there to prove he made the right choice and force this happy family.

Perhaps if you was to say to her in passing on one of the visits that you really miss having a bit of one on one time with your dad she would facilitate it for you (and probably be a bit grateful that she hasn't always got to be the hostess). I know you should not have to do this and rely on her to help but in reality if she is ok other than the affair and you can't talk to your dad himself she may be your only way to resolve the issue

I'm a step mum and like dh to have time on his own with his sons. They usually go to cricket or a motor show together. How ever I am usually around for family visits and always feel welcomed by them. I see my dd without dh sometimes which he encourages. We have been married for 30 years though and everyone knows we tend to come as a package.

OP YADNBU. I have not read all the posts, but most. I am not a step parent or a step child, so feel free to ignore me... but....

"I’ve never spoken to my dad about this. He would go all silent and be really ‘hurt’ by it and it would probably be more weird. I’m currently just avoiding seeing them at all."

This sounds like you are allowing this woman, who you do not like, to drive an almost permanent wedge between you and your dad. Which is sad for him and for you (maybe).

I would just be honest with him, and let the chips fall where they will. If he gets angry and doesn't see you, will you really be in any worse of a situation than you are now.

He really hurt your mum, your siblings and you and now you are allowing him to go on hurting you without facing him with the truth.

You owe the other woman nothing and to be honest I don't think you really owe your dad anything either. But for the sake of family relationships I would talk to him. If he acts hurt I would calmly explain the hurt you have felt and suggest his hurt is actually a guilty reaction. He has more to lose than you, I would guess, so the choice is yours to bring it up, and his to try and see your point of view.

DO NOT allow him to make you feel guilty for having these perfectly normal feelings about the woman who had such a massive impact on your family and about the dad who has behaved badly.

Fwiw I wasn't the OW and my dh1 was dead before dh and I married and put our 5 young teens together. We are lucky they are all in their 40s now and a happy blended family, all married with their own dc.

ItalianGreyhound puts it v well.

I also think you sound like a lovely person OP.

p.s. Whose idea was it for you to send her "thoughtful birthday gifts"? Was it yours? Thoughtful but unnecessary I would say. Was this done in any way to placate your dad?