To think family should not have left me out of plans

[Fixmylife]

So I was working today, DH at home because he is retired, DS at home as he wasn't working today, DD at home because she didn't get up and go to school...(17 difficult to force her)

I was on a training day so limited access to phone messages. At afternoon break I notice a msg telling we they were all going to the cinema. We had planned to go to see the film on Sunday, so I missed out but also DD should have been in school!

I lost the plot when they finally got home... I felt they were selfish and didn't consider me at all. Was I being unreasonable or should I have just accepted I wasn't able to go?

I'd have lost the plot for DH taking DD when she should have been at school!

I don't have a problem with the DD but if you'd all agreed to see a particular film together and then they went to see the same one that is very rude

I see where you are coming from but I think your concerns are misplaced. What I'd be concerned about is your DH making arrangements for your daughter to see a film when she should have been in school.

If he's giving her trips to the cinema when she should be in school, not really an incentive to get up for school is it?

I'm sure you know this, and theres probably more to it as the post wasn't about this. I know.

But yes, Id be disappointed too!

DD was rewarded for skipping school and you were punished for working. Sounds great!

I would be very upset that my husband took our school-skipping daughter to the movies. That's a terrible example to set for her even though she is 17. She has responsibilities(school), she blew them off, and then she's "rewarded" for it by going to the movies. Not on. I would also be upset for being totally disregarded.

Yes agree that it is probably worse she got a treat when she should have been in school - he is responsible for getting her to school as I've usually left for work before then.

Also pissed off at no apology and piss poor excuses of 'I didn't think you wanted to see it...'

And how do I deal with this going forward? I am not in a forgiving mood 😡

Thank you, I'm absolutely gutted they could treat me like this, so not the people I thought they were 😞

Well, your Dh (and dc if budget permits) needs to sit through the film with you again on Sunday, as originally planned, so I hope he enjoyed it at least

Thanks but as I think some posters guessed, it's not really about the film... just the realisation that I don't matter

Sorry realise that sounds melodramatic! But to quote the old line, when someone tells you (shows you) who they are, listen!

But you were working?

Do you know what I'd do OP? Say how hurt you were, and felt like you didn't matter. For the time being announce that you'll do less for each of them when they ask for your help. Think of it as a kind of strike! Don't sulk or keep bringing it up, just do less for them. Does that make sense? X

I sympathise and do not feel you are being melodramatic. My mum lives 200 miles away and when she comes to visit she stays with my sister (she's single, I have 3children so less room) I see them most evenings and cook for them all but when it comes to trips out they go without me. It offends me deeply but I never say anything as I'd rather keep the peace but in truth it does really hurt and makes me feel excluded and like I don't matter.

Yes I do feel very hurt and did say I felt left out and that it was selfish. Really don't feel like doing anything for any of them! Dealing with some difficult times at work and with my own family (serious illness) and feeling totally unsupported.

That also sucks Celp

I would have a problem with DP rewarding daughter with a trip to the cinema when she should've been at school.
And, yes, I would be rethinking some of the stuff I did for them.

I do think you're overthinking it a little by saying you don't matter. If you really think about it, it is just the cinema and you we're working! Your DD should have gone to school yes but at 17 she is entitled to make her own decisions (sadly). I think they were probably all just sitting around thinking 'what shall we do' and decided on the cinema. Although I would be a bit miffed they'd watched the film we'd all agreeed to watch together, but unless this sort of thing is common, I'd let it go.

You are probably right, they have all avoided me this evening anyway! But, but this is what I mean, they didn't mean it, they just didn't think... that's it they don't consider me

Thank you, I'm absolutely gutted they could treat me like this, so not the people I thought they were

If that is you drama level I can see why they would go without you.

I said I was being melodramatic! But no that is not the norm for me as I said I am dealing with quite a lot of other things so need to feel my nearest and dearest have got my back.

Make plans to do your own thing. Frequently. Spend your money on yourself. Shop for yourself. Cook for yourself. Tell them you didn't think they'd want dinner/to go out/need money.

Yanbu. They were pretty selfish and unthoughtful and you are right to tell them how you feel. But I did notice this at the end of your post.

Dealing with some difficult times at work and with my own family (serious illness) and feeling totally unsupported.

It is so easy when things outside of home are stressful to become more short tempered and stressed out by your family. When really maybe it is better to give thanks for them and lean in in them if that makes sense? Would the cinema thing have pissed you off so much if other things had been good? And when you say you feel unsupported do you mean because of this one incident or because it sums up how they have been treating you?

If they are unsupportive consistently, I think it is totally reasonable that you call attention to it and tell them what you need. But then it is not just about the cinema is it? How could they put it right? Tell them, give them a chance.