To think family should not have left me out of plans

[Fixmylife]

So I was working today, DH at home because he is retired, DS at home as he wasn't working today, DD at home because she didn't get up and go to school...(17 difficult to force her)

I was on a training day so limited access to phone messages. At afternoon break I notice a msg telling we they were all going to the cinema. We had planned to go to see the film on Sunday, so I missed out but also DD should have been in school!

I lost the plot when they finally got home... I felt they were selfish and didn't consider me at all. Was I being unreasonable or should I have just accepted I wasn't able to go?

RunRabbit not sure I understand the 'I want' bubble and I think 17 is a long way past attempts at punishment. I am more a follower of natural consequences - though one thing is certain, she will be going to school tomorrow.

Also you are right it isn't really the 'leaving out' bit more we had plans and they changed them and that should not have been done particularly when DD should have been in school - I would not have gone along with it had I not been working today

Don't let any of them get away with this, either individually or as a group.

If this is a one off and no back story you are hugely dramatic

i don't have anything to add, other than to note that this seems like it's way more than a trip to the cinema.

It sounds like you feel totally unappreciated and irrelevant to the home. And shouting "appreciate me" won't help, will it!

Although I do understand why PPs are recommending you do less, I don't think that'll help.

This is a teeny, tiny thing, but (on the advice of a friend), I started noticing things around the house that my DH does, and just saying 'thank you' to him. Or 'that looks nice' or 'smells nice' or 'looks tasty' (or whatever). And since I've been doing that, he notices and thanks me a lot more too. Is it worth trying some little thing like that, maybe?

Also (sorry, this might be completely irrelevant). When my DD was a babe, I wasn't a natural mother AT ALL. And I got really paranoid she preferred DH to me, which made me to some extent shut off from her emotionally, but also to get upset about stuff and get angrier (so the cycle got worse - it started to become a self-fulfilling prophecy).
What changed things for me were the comments of two friends. One saying "but your DD ADORES you" and the other saying really bluntly "do NOT be jealous of your DD's relationship with your DH. It's horrible and it's destructive, just don't allow yourself to do it".
It was different for me, because she was a baby, not an adult or almost adult; but I did change because of these comments, and I'm so glad I did.

Ok, so your DH is the 'fun' one, and you're the 'bad guy'. But doesn't mean they don't' love and value you, so try and be confident in that, even if they're not showing it very much.

Try and focus on the positives a bit more, maybe?

Sorry if this is waffle. Ignore it if it's not helpful.

I think I would choke if I tried to say those things or at the very least seem insincere! Yes I think they prefer the easy life around DH but he isn't the one they talk to or turn to for constructive help when problems come up.

But yes I tend to be very direct and do feel like shouting 'appreciate me'

Bastards the lot of them!
I won't add to the comments about your DD being rewarded for playing truant as other posters have covered that.

But have you frankly told all of them how hurt and unappreciated it makes you feel that they have the planned trip without you and then ask each of them to comment on that and why they think it was OK?

Do it in age order so that DH is last. I suspect the DC will say they thought it OK because Dad suggested I. So make him justify why he thinks it OK to disregard you like this. Basically make them all squirm and feel bad. I am angry on your behalf

The most important part of this situation isn’t about you.

A late night and friendship issues are not reasons not to go to school. What a dreadful attitude to set her up for the working world.

I disagree that a 17 yo is “long past” punishments. “Natural consequences” are all very well but at this age, the natural consequences of truant could impact her whole life. If she’s too immature to see that you and your DH have to take responsibility for making her go.

It’s not enough to shrug and say “nothing I can do about it”.

Second part which is about you. You said that you were considering stopping doing things for them.

Why are you doing anything for them? If your DH is retired he should be doing laundry, shopping and at least half the housework and cooking.

Your adult son should be doing his own laundry and cooking at least once a week.

At 17 my parents paid my way and I was only expected to minimal chores but it was on the strict understanding that my part if the deal was to work my hardest at school.

The bloody film would be the least if my concerns. You and your DH need to assert some authority here, you’re throwing your DD to the wolves.

What day would be acceptable

I go to the cinema on a Tuesday. It's £4 a ticket so a third of the price and you can use Meerkat Tuesday too on top of that!

Plus I don't think the day you go matters. You are still in a dark room watching a film and it's likely to be busier and noisier. I've watched many a film on my own and there's also been no one else in the screen too!

Presumably ypur kids also know that if what supposed to be a faily trip on Sunday?

"I suspect I have been doing that already (doing my own thing, making my own plans) so that this is a bit of payback from them or DH"

But do you mess up plans that have already been made?

Also, why does so much fall to you if your husband doesn't work?

Tell your DD if she dares to bunk off school again and go out having fun you will notify the school yourself.

Back in the dark ages when I was at school you had to take a sick note in the day you returned. She would be getting one from me saying exactly what she had been up to.

Tempted to do that Amber! I get texts from school asking to explain any absence, I am also tempted to ask them to send that to DH's phone

I don't mess up anyone else's plans, no. DH has some health issues so can do a certain amount. I have got better about stepping back from doing things as kids have grown up so they clean own rooms and do at least some of their washing. I think someone had hoovered yesterday too.

I'd explain it exactly as it was, then. Do you think your DH would tell the truth if you asked him to do the explaining?

No I think he would cover for her and say she was sick

Hope you get to see the film today, OP.