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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think family should not have left me out of plans

67 replies

Fixmylife · 21/09/2017 19:25

So I was working today, DH at home because he is retired, DS at home as he wasn't working today, DD at home because she didn't get up and go to school...(17 difficult to force her)

I was on a training day so limited access to phone messages. At afternoon break I notice a msg telling we they were all going to the cinema. We had planned to go to see the film on Sunday, so I missed out but also DD should have been in school!

I lost the plot when they finally got home... I felt they were selfish and didn't consider me at all. Was I being unreasonable or should I have just accepted I wasn't able to go?

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 21/09/2017 21:49

As pp have said, do less for them. How much of their cooking / shopping / laundry / driving them around do you do? Cut that back. They sound like they think of you as a household convenience, not someone who has interests and feelings of their own.

Nuttynoo · 21/09/2017 21:51

You need to assess the things you do for them. The basic lack of respect for you is telling.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 21/09/2017 21:52

Suggest to dh he thinks about how HE will be supporting dd financially when she flunks her education. .

Original poster
Fixmylife · 21/09/2017 21:52

Hmm yes all true. Unsupported by 'D'H really as don't expect too much of adult kids in that regard and they don't know the full details of what is going on. I supported him through long illnesses and deaths of both his parents but when I am dealing with similar and told him I felt he wasn't offering any support it was 'He'd been through it already'. Just to complicate things and make me a bigger bitch he also has a health condition and this lack of connection is likely to be part of that but I have no way to tell really.

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Original poster
Fixmylife · 21/09/2017 21:53

Yes also getting concerned about DD's lack of responsibility.. she has been indulged by both of us, doesn't have a job as yet and no plans for after school.

OP posts:
maras2 · 21/09/2017 21:53

All PP saying that OP was working etc.
The family had already decided that they would ALL go to see the film on Sunday.
Sorry fix They sound really mean.
DH sounds like a 'Disney Dad'.God I hate that term but can't think of anything else that suits.
No advice but lots of Wine Cake and Flowers for you.

Original poster
Fixmylife · 21/09/2017 21:55

The putting it right bit is difficult, I really don't know other than a genuine acknowledgement of causing upset and being sorry about it rather than 'we didn't mean to...' though I sort of get I'm responsible for my own feelings

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Original poster
Fixmylife · 21/09/2017 21:56

Yes Disney dad is right too, never disciplined them, I was always the bad guy even now they often think I'm being mean to their dad if I don't go along with things

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diddl · 21/09/2017 22:07

She didn't get up & go to school?

I just can't get my head around that at all!

Doglikeafox · 21/09/2017 22:11

YANBU. That is really cruel and exactly the sort of thing my dad used to do (and still would if I was silly enough to make plans with him!) to me.
I'm not sure what you can do about it though. If they don't realise how selfish and nasty they were being I don't see how you can change their mind without showing them this thread!

Original poster
Fixmylife · 21/09/2017 22:20

School is an ongoing problem to be honest and very tempting Doglikeafox

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Dumdedumdum · 21/09/2017 22:24

Is she being bullied? Or any other "good" reason for not going in? I suppose she will expect her teacher to look out notes and go over what she missed when she returns. That is very slack of her and your dh, inconsiderate behaviour to you aside.
There must be something nice you can do at the weekend by yourself.

HoorayForBoobies · 21/09/2017 22:25

I agree with the others that whilst it's annoying and disappointing that they did something together you'd planned to join them for whilst you were at work, the real issue is them taking DD when she was meant to be in school. It totally undermines you and the importance of school. It's very irresponsible of them.

I also actually can't quite wrap my head around a group of adults going to the cinema during the day on a Thursday.

Butterymuffin · 21/09/2017 22:31

So basically they see you as the bad guy because you try to get them to do the sensible stuff and their dad will just go for the easy option?

Original poster
Fixmylife · 21/09/2017 22:33

Got it in one Buttery

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diddl · 21/09/2017 22:34

"I also actually can't quite wrap my head around a group of adults going to the cinema during the day on a Thursday."

What day would be acceptable?Grin

Original poster
Fixmylife · 21/09/2017 22:36

No bullying, she had a late night earlier in the week which she doesn't handle well, did get up for school the next day but didn't today. There may be friend issues though as there was a falling out recently but I don't think that was the reason for not going to school. To be fair DS will be working the weekend so it is like his weekend now, DH no longer working so really can do what he likes with his time! It is the combination of the disregard for me and existing plans and the really bad idea of DD going to see a film instead of school!

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ujerneyson · 21/09/2017 22:37

I'd be marginally irritated that they left me out but absolutely beyond livid that my school skipping daughter was taken to th cinema.

Butterymuffin · 21/09/2017 22:46

OK. Then I think you have to back off and let them make poor choices if they want, but at the same time, stop supporting them in the other ways you undoubtedly do. They're adults (nearly in the case of the 17 yo) and want all the privileges of that. Fine. Then they can take all the responsibility too. So cook for themselves, do their own laundry, get themselves up in the morning, make their way to school and work on time. Oh and pay their way in the household too. You should start spending more time doing your own thing and pleasing yourself.

Original poster
Fixmylife · 21/09/2017 22:53

I suspect I have been doing that already (doing my own thing, making my own plans) so that this is a bit of payback from them or DH (pretty sure it was his idea)!

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Original poster
Fixmylife · 21/09/2017 22:55

Problem is we are just moving further and further apart.. I had mini meltdown a few weeks ago due to feeling I was doing all the planning for family stuff, booking stuff etc, turns out they can manage that just fine!

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ElizabethDarcey · 21/09/2017 22:55

"I also actually can't quite wrap my head around a group of adults going to the cinema during the day on a Thursday."

What day would be acceptable? Grin

Haha! I don't know - a fun day like Friday or Saturday. But Thursday? That's just wrong. I dunno - maybe it's because I work but the idea of a group of adult family members all trooping off to see a film on a Thursday afternoon just seems alien to me. Anyway, sorry - besides the point really!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 21/09/2017 23:03

Your DD is skipping school, your DH is giving her treats of trips to the cinema when she skips school, yet you are focussed on them leaving you out of the plans.

You've not even mentioned what punishment DD will have and how it will be enforced. You've not suggested that you had it out with DH for him failing to get DD to school and failing to discipline her.

You all seem to live in your own little "I want" bubbles.

FlowerPot1234 · 21/09/2017 23:04

Fixmylife You ANBU and you are not being melodramatic. Totally unreasonable of your DH to organise this having made the commitment to you to go at the weekend. Totally out of order for him to take your bunking-off DD to the cinema. Totally disrespectful for said bunking-off DD to believe she could go. Totally disgusting of the lot of them to not apologise.

17 year old needs discipline and consequences for her poor behaviour, supported by your DH. DH needs a serious talking to. DS needs a word in his ear about family, respect and commitments. They need no tolerance from you, and you need to be given a break, and some respect.

Original poster
Fixmylife · 21/09/2017 23:08

I think I love you Flowerpot

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