In thinking life is not a special school

[DeloresJaneUmbridge]

I am quite prepared to be told that I am being very unreasonable here...I've also posted in SN chat as I am in despair at the moment. My teenager is driving me mad.

Reason is he will not work at anything at all...he has seemingly NO desire to understand anything if it doesn't interest him.

He attends a special school and is now in Y10. He isn't academic and won't be doing GCSE's but WILL be doing functional skills tests in Maths and English. As such the school have started sending home small pieces of homework which DS does not want to do and has already moaned about.

To be fair the school have also said in his home/school diary that we are not to stress if he doesn't want to do the homework. But my feeling is that life is not a special school and won't make those same allowances for him. If he has the ability to do the set homework then he should do it.

So here we are this afternoon....he's been off for a clinic appointment and I have just had a torturous 20 mins where he has raged and moaned and said "I don't understand it" as soon as the requirement for more than one step thinking is required.

I have written things out for him, I have drawn diagrams to explain (we are talking here of a list comprising months of the year...so not complex diagrams).
He "doesn't get it" but I suspect it's because he doesn't WANT to "get it" he can't be bothered.

He's nearly 15.... in a few short years he might need to work and at the moment I can't even see him getting himself out of bed in the morning never mind coping with anything that requires him to actually think for himself in a job...however simple.

I've just come upstairs because quite honestly I've got the rage with him. His Dad who is being infinitely more patient than I am is now trying to help him.

He's a typical teenager at the moment and I am getting fed up with the attitude and the general "make it as simple as possible for me" approach to life. Yes he is autistic and yes he has ADHD but that's not a get out clause from the responsibilities of life. He does struggle but that doesn't mean he should give up.

Or am I being horrible and too harsh? I will take it and accept it if I am.
He's tying me up in knots here....am trying to make allowances for his challenges while also ensuring he makes progress and giving him a push where he needs it.

I love him so much and I just want the best for him but he doesn't seem to want to make any effort with anything in life. I know some of that is typical teenager stuff but it's bloody hard at the moment.

Where do his strengths lie OP?

It sounds to me as if you are just at the end of your tether a bit. And it sounds like your DS is being a teenager with the added complication of complex needs.

The thing is, in this atmosphere of complete stress, everything will be worse.

As far a jobs etc go, maybe it would reassure you to find out from the Special School what 'next steps' they see as appropriate and how everything is organised post 16.

ASD, ADHD and being a teenager all at the same time is overwhelming.
Learn to mimic inexhaustible patience, then go to the top of a hill and scream into the wind. Radically accept that he will be ready for work and learning a few years after his peers.
There is nothing wrong with crying into a glass of gin occasionally.

Will he be doing Princess Trust, OP?

OP isnt horrible. She is worried about her son's future and at the end of her tether.

Why comment if you have nothing useful to add?

I agree with everything Pestilentialone has said.

Jesus ophelia why the fuck are you even on mumsnet if you just want to go around being a complete dick tonparents with challenging lives and families.

opheliacat so do you.
Op I'm sorry you are going through this.

I dont think you are being unreasonable.
Watching with interest as I wonder if this is where my 7 year old (ADHD) will be in the future. He often hits walls where he is too frustrated/angry/distracted to follow simple instructions.

It is so hard to love a child and want all the doorways in life open and realise that they will struggle to find door handles and some days face backwards from all opportunities on purpose.

OP it sounds really really draining for you. No real advice. But don't feel bad. It's understandable to be worried about his future and want him to apply himself even a little bit so he could get a functional job later.

No she doesn't ophelia. Not at all. She sounds worn out and fed up and that's totally understandable.

OP, ignore crappy comments like that. You are not a saint - none of us are. Perfectly understandable to be at the end of your tether. Walking away and letting his dad take over was a good plan

OK then, longer answer.

In these times of austerity, children are only sent to special schools if there is a moderate to severe difficulty in accessing the curriculum.

Imagine if you struggled to walk yet every day you had to run. Even if it was slow, even if people were patient and encouraged you, you still had to do it. Then some more running whenever you got home.

Would you not feel frustrated?

Chances are he won't be going on to city banking. Better to focus on basic skills he will need for life. Life isn't a special school. He will be able to do something he's good at and get paid for it.

for you OP.

I have reead that autistic children are operating at something like 2 thirds chronological age.. so about 10 emotionally.

executive skills are really difficult for some people with autism. planning, thinking ahead, managing more than one step instructions (and I know your frustration, ex was similar and dd is similar) .

you need to remember that and plan for him to achieve these things later than his NT peers. He may need supported living for the rest of his life. he will need to be taught coping strategies but horses and water and all that..

tag team. take a break, let dh sort out some things.

As pp said, you just sound at the end of your tether.

It sounds like typical teenage behaviour. And most teenagers would use any excuse to get out of doing something they dont want to. So he is possibly using his diagnosis as a get out clause, a little bit. But it normal. And its not an easy timr for him, especially with her extra challenges.

Its also worrying for a parent. Removing yourself and letting dh do it is probably best right at this moment.

Have you tried explaining that if he put more effort in, it would not take as long. It worked with my ds, who has hfa. May not for your son. But wortg a shot.

I feel your frustrations.

But there re opportunities. Lots of them actually. Most of the major supermarkets have schemes where they are equal opportunities employers, as is the NHS. You'd be surprised.

The OP does not sound horrible!

She sounds stressed and worried about her sons future. I have a son in a special school for autism, he's only 9 and I worry about his future. I want him to be happy and settled when he grows up.

I also have teens , and they're stressful enough even without adding ASD to it. 🙄

I'd speak to his teachers and express your worries, you won't be the first parent to do so.

It sounds to me like OP knows her son and his abilities, and knows that this isn't a case of being unable but being unwilling.

You are right to encourage him if you think this is within his abilities because you're right, life isn't a special school and sometimes he will have to push himself.

Yep I know how you feel, I have two children with asd.
A ten year old who hasn't been to school for a year.
And a 16 year old who has just started doing a programe (specialised in collage).
It is hard as it feels like your watching there lifes drain away.
It makes me sad and angry, my 16 year old has come along way from what he was a year ago though.
Its hard but you need to take a step back, its not making him want to do the homework and if he is in the frame of mind that he really does not want to do it the he will not learn anything anyway.
What are his interests?

There is a horrible poster on this thread and it's not Delores

Ophelia the op sounds like she's doing what most parents do and trying to make sure her child is happy whilst also making sure he reaches his potential. It's a difficult balancing act and she doesn't sound horrible at all. Horrible is coming on here to twist the knife when someone is struggling and reaching out for advice.

It sounds very frustrating OP.

I think you need to (try to) not worry about the future. He will get where he needs to be. If the school aren't worried about the homework; you should try not to be either.

My mum supported two boys with ASD for many years, helping them to get through school. They went on to college courses and are now in supported employment and doing very well. Yes, they aren't millionaire bankers (or any of the desirable MN professions) but they are working in jobs they enjoy and are able to do well. One is in IT; the other is in outdoor education.