In thinking life is not a special school

[DeloresJaneUmbridge]

I am quite prepared to be told that I am being very unreasonable here...I've also posted in SN chat as I am in despair at the moment. My teenager is driving me mad.

Reason is he will not work at anything at all...he has seemingly NO desire to understand anything if it doesn't interest him.

He attends a special school and is now in Y10. He isn't academic and won't be doing GCSE's but WILL be doing functional skills tests in Maths and English. As such the school have started sending home small pieces of homework which DS does not want to do and has already moaned about.

To be fair the school have also said in his home/school diary that we are not to stress if he doesn't want to do the homework. But my feeling is that life is not a special school and won't make those same allowances for him. If he has the ability to do the set homework then he should do it.

So here we are this afternoon....he's been off for a clinic appointment and I have just had a torturous 20 mins where he has raged and moaned and said "I don't understand it" as soon as the requirement for more than one step thinking is required.

I have written things out for him, I have drawn diagrams to explain (we are talking here of a list comprising months of the year...so not complex diagrams).
He "doesn't get it" but I suspect it's because he doesn't WANT to "get it" he can't be bothered.

He's nearly 15.... in a few short years he might need to work and at the moment I can't even see him getting himself out of bed in the morning never mind coping with anything that requires him to actually think for himself in a job...however simple.

I've just come upstairs because quite honestly I've got the rage with him. His Dad who is being infinitely more patient than I am is now trying to help him.

He's a typical teenager at the moment and I am getting fed up with the attitude and the general "make it as simple as possible for me" approach to life. Yes he is autistic and yes he has ADHD but that's not a get out clause from the responsibilities of life. He does struggle but that doesn't mean he should give up.

Or am I being horrible and too harsh? I will take it and accept it if I am.
He's tying me up in knots here....am trying to make allowances for his challenges while also ensuring he makes progress and giving him a push where he needs it.

I love him so much and I just want the best for him but he doesn't seem to want to make any effort with anything in life. I know some of that is typical teenager stuff but it's bloody hard at the moment.

I feel for you and you're not being unreasonable.
20 years ago autism wasn't as recognised and parents fought this battle daily, however these kids did have to join the adult world and have done so, they know they would have been diagnosed as kids if they were young now but they are dealing with their problems and functioning, I do fear that with diagnosis now a days comes a certain resignation that the child needs mollycoddling and in the long run I can't see it doing them any favours!
I've seen this first hand with my niece, (autisium, ADHD) my SIL is tough on her (firm but fair) and my niece toes the line, yet my mum when she has her to stay, makes every excuse for her under the sun, there is no discipline or consequences and her behaviour is atrocious!
I guess in your situation you know your son, if you think he is capable of completing the work you are asking of him, then I don't blame you for pushing and trying to help him further himself.

You're doing great.

And you're already winning because you are helping him, supporting him and nudging him Along.

My aspie naphew ia 19 and has yet to pass his English gcse, yet! And is only now able to consider a part time job. And sometime soon it sounds like he is lazy or putting up obstacles, but the simple facts are that he just doesn't have the mental capacity to think beyond the moment and isn't motivated by long term goals. He's getting there though. Baby steps.

You're not horrible like the poster said above.

I would say, listen to the school, don't push stuff.

Months of a year... have you got a flip calendar? Can you mix it up and then Ré order it together? Can he order a number sequence to 12. Start there then add the month names in? Then ask him what he thinks of that month- January- cold weather, so he draws a snow flake and so on?
Chunk it and make it more creative?

F

OP do you have some support for yourself? I wonder if some of your reaction is worry about the future. It looks to me that this homework issue is making you worry about what your DS will be able to do in the future and how independent he will be.

I know its difficult to see his resistance but if you think back do you feel he has made progress? Is he developing skills?

Sorry if I sounded "horrible" ophelia

I'm really not and I bend over backwards to understand him and help him....almost too much. I've been criticised for being too soft if anything. I adore him totally and utterly, he still comes to me most days for a cuddle and to chat...I cherish those times and on occasions like this where I do get overwhelmed I always apologise and name what I am apologising for. He has a hot temper...so do I.

I am scared about his future....I didn't choose a special school lightly. The LEA were clear that "mainstream school was best preparation for a mainstream life". I was equally clear that if they left him in a mainstream school his mental health would suffer....and already was. I moved him at the end of Y7.

I know we live in a very unforgiving and demanding society and the thought that he could potentially end up as a casualty being unemployed and unsupported scares me. Yes he "might" find an interest and make lots of money but the statistics for those with disabilities suggest that this isn't the norm.

His interests are gaming, gaming, gaming. I've had to put in a rule that one evening a week we do something different. Yes he could work for Game or one of the other gaming companies but that still requires he try.

One of the tough parts of having a teenager with additional needs is working out which behaviour are linked to the sn and which are just pita teenager. One of the terrors is thinking how the he'll will they fit into the real world, will they ever be fully independent and is this it for the rest of our fucking lives?
I don't know what the future will bring you,OP. I just know that there was a point when I felt like battering the next glib shite that said 'Special children for special people' or 'We never get given more than we can carry' Because sometimes we bloody well are. Good luck, he us lucky to have you as parents.

being berated by his mother because he doesn't even try. I do think that is pretty horrible.

Perhaps his mother knows what he is capable of better than a stranger on the internet.

OP, I agree with others, you sound totally exhausted. Your DH is dealing with him so please just leave it alone now and just do what you need to do to help yourself. Right now I feel this is more about you than him. You are overwhelmed by what the future holds for him and your fears. Totally understandable. Take guidance from what the school has said and when you feel better maybe make an appointment to speak to someone at the school to discuss your concerns. Take care of yourself, you are doing an amazing job and are only human.

opheliacat Your scenario of walking vs running missing one crucial point, when you are walking with your child through life and everyone else is running it requires a huge compromise for both of you. Both of you walk when you yourself are capable of running.

It's life changing, the OP sounds frustrated and I can completely relate to that. Sometimes the parents need support they definitely don't need to be told "God you sound horrible".

Chances are he won't be going on to city banking. Better to focus on basic skills he will need for life. Isn't that what functional skills are?

You've got it in a nutshell there Mothra* it's "will he fit into the real world....and what happens if he doesn't? It's scary.

Thank you to whoever suggested The Princes Trust...I will take a look at that. I will also have a chat with the school. Home is his safe place and I don't want this to change.

If you think they will be achieved by battling with him at home and taking his self esteem down more and more granny then go for it.

The thing is that even if he does find something he loves - say he manages to find work involving gaming - he will still have to do things which he doesn't love as part of that. So it is important that you teach him the difference between can't and won't and it sounds like that's what you are doing.

Technology seems to be most childrens and adults interests.
Mine will be on it most of the time if I allowed them to.
I was just asking to see if there was anyway you could incorporate his homework with something he enjoys, harder when its gameing.

It might help you to start looking at provision in FE colleges for SN. The college DS1 attends has some brilliant programmes catering for all kinds of SN (from minor to moderate to complex). Looking on college websites and talking to the admissions people might help to set your mind at ease that your DS isn't going to get to 16 or 18 and have nowhere to go/nothing to do.

Sometimes a little bit of hope can be just the thing to get you through. And it's very easy to feel overwhelmed, scared and hopeless.

I can't advise you on the future re your son OP; others have more ideas/advice

But - right now - can I suggest that you make sure you get some rest and relaxation too. When we have worries with our children, whether everyday worries or to with ADHD, ASD, etc its easy to feel overwhelmed with them and take too much responsibility IYKWIM, and end up feeling low and hopeless.

Make sure you get some of the goodies in life and a slice of the pie.

Have you looked at NCS for the summer. My son loved it and thrived.

I don't think it is that easy to separate when a child with ASD is unable and when they are unwilling. My son has the same diagnosis as yours OP and I get frustrated as well. But someone pointed out to me that he always has his difficulties and I can't discount them because I feel he "should" be able to do or handle something. Occasionally I am successful.

I'm not saying your horrible OP but I actually think Ophelia has a point here. Look at it this way. I'm not practical at all, I'm capable enough but ask me to fix something or put something together and I get in a right mess. I "should" be able to do it. I understand instructions, I'm of reasonable intelligence. But still, with the best will in the world...

Life isn't a special school, no. But that doesn't mean your DS will have it all together on leaving day.

If you think they will be achieved by battling with him at home and taking his self esteem down more and more granny then go for it Where did I say that? You said it would be better to focus on skills he would need in life and surely functional skills are those things, basic arithmetic so he can manage his money, basic literacy so he can understand communications, instructions etc. I can't imagine it will do his self esteem much good if he can't do those basic things.

You are not being horrible. Your angst is really not about the homework but about what will become of him.
My dds boyfriend was similar ( and also lovely). He has a job as a tyre fitter with his own van. He loves it and earns a living.
I know this bit is torture though

You are expecting the wrong things out of him.

If he's anything like ds1, who is very bright but has social and emotional needs arising from ADHD and ASD, he probably compartmentalises and home is the wrong place for him to be doing what he sees as school work.

The best thing you can do at home is to support his mental health so he's in the best possible frame of mind to get the most of what he does in the school environment.

With ds1, who is 13, we concentrate on relaxation, fresh air and exercise. We work on eating as well as his limited palate allows. We keep him presentable and smelling nice. We share our thoughts on the tricky emotional stuff with his lovely school who support him with the academic stuff, even when the thought of sharing a room with 5 other people fills him with dread.

He could probably pass maths GCSE, now, knowledge wise, but isn't mentally and emotionally ready. His head mentioned at his last review that they get a lot of pupils who are bright but just not exam ready at 16. Kids with these conditions to the extent that they need a special or specialist school often mature late and might not blossom until after school age. Meantime, they need a lot of hand holding and pushing them to far can be counterproductive.

Sounds like my dd who doesn't have your son's difficulties, but is just bone idle and not interested in schoolwork, and barely literate in yr 6.

We had an hour of her being obstructive, argumentative, bursting into tears saying she doesn't understand, broken pencil, headache, every strategy she could think of to avoid doing 10 minutes homework, and eventually her storming off to her room. Floods of tears and a blazing row.

Next day I gave her the choice between 10 minutes homework or the rest of the day having a drama avoiding the homework and no telly until it was done. I promised never to be cross with her for not being able to do it but always to be cross if she won't try.
Just saying these issues are not because of his challenges, they are normal when a kid is required to do something they don't want to do and thinks they won't succeed at.

I think AJP has a point that you are worrying about him coping overall and want him to be ok you are not being horrible at all . The details fit for today, but another day the details could relate to other tasks. I don't see why you would be wrong for worrying, it's a very natural reaction.

We all want our children to function in the world and I empathise with the feeling of worry!

My DS started Medikinet for ADHD recently but I worry he will always forget everything.

One of the world's leading expert on ASD/Asperger's syndome, Prof Tony Attwood, wrote an interesting about autism and homework, and he sets out some options in his article below - which includes not doing homework for some children:

www.tonyattwood.com.au/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=76

Sympathies op, completely understand about the worry of what the future holds as I do for my sn dc. Have you tried any PDA strategies, such as 'do you want to do your homework at 4pm or 5pm?' and use visual timer or count down. I find these strategies (sometimes 😏) work.

You know I went through a phase in my teens where I really wasnt interested in doing anything with my life and put no effort in and I dont have SN.

Could be a teenage phase?

Could he be down or depressed?