In thinking life is not a special school

[DeloresJaneUmbridge]

I am quite prepared to be told that I am being very unreasonable here...I've also posted in SN chat as I am in despair at the moment. My teenager is driving me mad.

Reason is he will not work at anything at all...he has seemingly NO desire to understand anything if it doesn't interest him.

He attends a special school and is now in Y10. He isn't academic and won't be doing GCSE's but WILL be doing functional skills tests in Maths and English. As such the school have started sending home small pieces of homework which DS does not want to do and has already moaned about.

To be fair the school have also said in his home/school diary that we are not to stress if he doesn't want to do the homework. But my feeling is that life is not a special school and won't make those same allowances for him. If he has the ability to do the set homework then he should do it.

So here we are this afternoon....he's been off for a clinic appointment and I have just had a torturous 20 mins where he has raged and moaned and said "I don't understand it" as soon as the requirement for more than one step thinking is required.

I have written things out for him, I have drawn diagrams to explain (we are talking here of a list comprising months of the year...so not complex diagrams).
He "doesn't get it" but I suspect it's because he doesn't WANT to "get it" he can't be bothered.

He's nearly 15.... in a few short years he might need to work and at the moment I can't even see him getting himself out of bed in the morning never mind coping with anything that requires him to actually think for himself in a job...however simple.

I've just come upstairs because quite honestly I've got the rage with him. His Dad who is being infinitely more patient than I am is now trying to help him.

He's a typical teenager at the moment and I am getting fed up with the attitude and the general "make it as simple as possible for me" approach to life. Yes he is autistic and yes he has ADHD but that's not a get out clause from the responsibilities of life. He does struggle but that doesn't mean he should give up.

Or am I being horrible and too harsh? I will take it and accept it if I am.
He's tying me up in knots here....am trying to make allowances for his challenges while also ensuring he makes progress and giving him a push where he needs it.

I love him so much and I just want the best for him but he doesn't seem to want to make any effort with anything in life. I know some of that is typical teenager stuff but it's bloody hard at the moment.

My son , who is older, has ASD. He also would not do homework , he was in mainstream school with additional help). He now realises that he should have done more work and admits he was being silly. He just would not do things if he had no interest in the subject. He can talk/lecture for England on a subject that interests him but would not put thought to paper; he is now at college. I hope he has learnt that sometimes you just have to do it! I think your teenager may well find out in his own time that he can do more and is happy to do it.

That sounds really hard.

I have no experience of SEN but I think I would be gearing my dialogue to what he is going to do when he leaves school. Keep reinforcing the message that you are not going to be around forever and he is going to need to support himself in some shape or form.

Then.... see if you can engage him in trying different things to find out what suits/he's interested in. We're all good at something! Some of the best software developers have dyslexia/aspergers/autism and can be a bit socially challenged. Could you steer him in this direction first?

If he likes gaming has he considered making his own? He'd need functional logic for that - but there are plenty of coding classes out there that are designed for kids to learn this. It's also one of the areas (includes robotics) where I have seen employers actively try to recruit SEN kids straight out of school.

What are his interests? Think of those and use that to make plan.

I will tell you my brothers story and hope it can help you to see a future.

My brother went to special school. He has autism amongst other things. Did those tests in English and maths. Despite this he was accepted at a horticulture college because of his enthusiasm and ability to absorb information. I went with him to the interview day. The tutors were prepared and it was lovely and relaxing - mostly spent in either the hot houses or potting sheds. He had a scribe for exams. Passed with distinction. Now works in his own gardening business. Mum is secretary and sister does accounts. He will never live on his own but makes a contribution to society. He is also a fabulous brother, uncle and son. In recent years he has developed wit!

Is there anything that your DS particularly likes doing that could be a treat for doing a set amount of homework a week??

I am scared about his future...

Dolores A very close friend of mine has a diagnosis of moderate autism.

He attended a special residential school, followed by an SN FE college. He doesn't have a single qualification. He was non verbal until he was 6/7 and has speech/communication difficulties. He was told that he would "never amount to anything".

He said he had no interest in working at school or learning and spent his days before he was in residential school getting into trouble (without understanding how/why or what was going on). He wasn't interested in any kind of learning at residential school either, but at least he was 'contained'.

He is one of the kindest, most gentle, loveliest people I know. He's honest, trustworthy and direct. I feel very lucky to know him.

He is also well liked by those who know him and he's been employed in the same job (above minimum wage) for over a decade. It hasn't all been plain sailing. He started off part time and his hours have increased over the years as his confidence and ability to commit increased; he's been full time for just over a year.

I know that this anecdote is just that, and, having a child with SN of my own, I know that all the reassurances in the world mean nothing until you know that your child is going to be ok, but I just wanted to share with you someone who I admire greatly in the hope that it helps you in some way

Thank you all...some fabulous suggestions here.

We've had a hug and I've apologised to him for being an impatient old bag, we've agreed he will tackle one detailed home work question on each subject (only two) and I will help him by scribing.

His school have just started a coding club at lunchtime and he wants to attend that...he finds coding hard but he enjoys the bits he gets right.

I've promised that if he has a go at the two homework questions tomorrow then I will take him swimming this weekend ...he loves swimming and we have a lot of fun when we go.

All is calm now again....he's chatting to a friend and relaxed.

OP, if he enjoys gaming he could very well love the military. The training and discipline would do him a world of good. It is something I did with my son and he stayed in for 24 years!

I totally understand where you're coming from. Parenting children with these diagnosis is a balance between adjusting life to their needs but also preparing them for the harsh realities of the real world which at some point they may need to face totally independently. It's tough for all.

Only read your first post OP. You are being unreasonable. Ive got kids in special school. Have you just only realised that your son will probably be taking a different path in life to a typically developing child/adult? He has the law on his side with regards to 'reasonable adjustments' and disability discrimination. Perhaps functional skills is mindblowingly difficult for him? Give him a break. Yes its frustrating watching talent lying untapped but rigidity is part if his condition. I think its u fair of the school to suddenly give him homework. If he was academically inined, it shouldve been started years ago

I had a bit if a wake up call with my DS yr 9 at the end if last year. I was doing his DLA form and writting about all his challenges. His basic life skills are so lacking. He's autistic, ADHD, dyspraxic and wonderful, engaging (on things he wants to talk about), careing, has a very high IQ.

A long time ago I had contact from the child development centre Autistic nurse team and they happened to call me for a catch up at a frustrated moment. Lots came spilling out. A nurse visited me at home and spent a couple of hours letting me unravel and helped me order my priorities. She had lots of useful suggestions and talked about incentivising each little step of development. She helped me break down the steps. Some skills I almost wanted DS to run before he could walk and as he's not picked them up independantly and is behind I feel a pressure (such a strong desire) for him to catch up.

Its made a big difference breaking down my frustrations and working out my priorities for his skill development.

Simple things like him using his mobile to send a text message and make a phone call. He hasn't yet used it unprompted, but he has used it. Next, he is going to text me from the school taxi on his way home without being prompted. Ultimately, i'd like him to be able to use the phone if he's delayed i.e. taxi stuck in traffic or if he gets home and i'm delayed i'd like to be able to call him but he needs to realise a phone is a two way thing. Currently he just freezes if things aren't as expected.

He's also crossing the very small dead end road between our house and his grandparents now. Its a few hundred yards door to door but he's just about managing it on his own. We've not yet tried it when a neighbour parks on the pavement as we know thats really going to confuse him.

Anyway, six months ago these small steps felt like they'd never happen. The specialist nursing team have seen it all before. Its not one size fits all that anyone solution can fix but they've put me back on track and given me new avenues to explore and helped me see the wood from the trees.

Do you have a child development centre or specialist nursing team you could access?

life is not a special school

But life is also not a school, full stop.

OP, I really do understand your frustration as I have teens with ASD and learning difficulties. I was really worried about how my DD (16) would cope with life when she can't even do a simple piece of homework, but actually, there are quite a few more physical things that she's really good at and she's got some decent work experience under her belt now.

And there are loads of jobs in the real world that don't require the same skill set that school requires. Your DS just needs to find something that works for him.

yes bribery is the way to go when it comes to getting children to do homework. I think promising swimming is a great idea. I was going go suggest linking his pocket money to completed homework? so paying him to work basically.

Delores lovely to read your last post.

I'm sure on every thread there are people ready to attack. Lots of good advice that I'm pinching for when my DS is older too so that's positive.

wizzy perhaps you should read the full thread before commenting.

I can totally relate OP

I have found with my dd that an ABA sort of approach works for things that are necessary but she doesn't want to do. So home from school, allowed on tablet for half an hour to unwind then homework needs to be done in small chunks with a reward (usually tablet time) It is absolutely exhausting though

I posted on your other thread.

Presumably your son has an EHCP?