Huge pressure from parents and feeling totally confused - what to do?

[CheeseEatingSurrenderMonkey]

I'm a first-time poster, so sorry if this isn't the best place for this sort of post - I wasn't sure where to put it.

This might sound crazy, but I didn't feel like I could talk about this with anyone in real life, so hope you don't mind me asking you all for some help.

I just feel so much pressure from my family to decide on what I should be doing for the rest of my life and I haven't got a clue :(

I come from a fairly big family, with loads of cousins and siblings, and everyone just seems to be doing so well (Dad in a fairly high-up position in finance, Mum is a dentist, and all my siblings and cousins are in things like law, finance and medicine - either studying or have already been working for a few years).

I'm the second-youngest of five, so saw three of my siblings get great results at school, go off to uni to do amazing degrees and then go into great jobs. They all worked so hard to get to where they are now, and they've done so well.

I also went to uni, but felt really pressured by my parents and school into making certain decisions. I liked the look of a Languages university course in Cardiff, but my Dad suggested that I apply to Oxford. I ended up getting in and have now finished my degree, graduating last summer. I liked the degree and some bits of living there and the whole experience, but the pressure that I felt during the course just reminded me of the pressure that I had growing up.

Education is sooo important to my parents, and it is really important to me too, but now that I've finished my degree, I just don't really know what to do with my life. I feel so tired and exhausted.

Since finishing last year, I've been doing stuff like giving music lessons for local kids where I live and have a part-time job in a restaurant while I figure out what to do with my life.

I think my parents find it really embarrassing that I'm aimless and not doing anything specific with my life. They keep on saying I should try and do a law/finance grad scheme when they ask what I'll do with my life, but it's so hard to talk to them and my siblings as they're always so busy and I don't want to disturb them. I feel a bit like the family embarrassment

I do want to be successful and to go into something where I can earn a good salary and progress, if that doesn't sound too money-grabbing. But I've looked at what my parents and siblings did, and honestly none of it appeals. My parents are a bit like Tiger-parents and I really don't want to disappoint them, but I also think I have a right to enjoy my life and be happy with the job I do. Just stuck on what I can do.

Hi I'm someone who worked in Post 16 for a while and would often be visited by students after uni who would let us know what they are up to.
It's completely natural to feel aimless - you must be exhausted after your degree. You need to really experience something complete different now. I wouldn't go straight into a PGCE - teaching is extremely pressurised these days and it sounds like you need to spread your wings a bit.
Why not do the JET scheme or go abroad and teach English? Sounds like you have lots of linguistic skills?

Enjoy your life while you are young OP. Maybe a professional career just isn't for you so do what makes you happy. Travel, spend time with your friends, keep teaching music etc. It's your life/career not your parents.

Really like your post NeonFlower

Have you thought of policy or analyst work in the civil service? Admittedly the salaries aren't huge, but (depending on area) the work can be fascinating and (again depending on the area you work in)can make a very direct impact on people's lives. I was much older than you before I discovered I enjoyed policy work, and it sounds as though it would play well to your key strengths.

user experience researcher/designer - problem solving, mixture of interaction and thinking time, people centred, can make a hugely positive difference to people and organisations. Shortage of good, well trained people with this skill set. Sector is like to grow and develop into interaction design with robotics, augmented reality etc
www.foolproof.co.uk
www.bunnyfoot.com

The civil service has a huge variety of jobs at graduate level, definitely look at that as other have suggested. Also, whilst I wouldn't recommend law if it really doesn't appeal, a lot of it is focused on problem-solving and people skills so don't think that those elements don't exist in corporate jobs. I have been a lawyer my entire career but sometime look at my brother's country hopping advertising/journalism/PR career with envy (but more admiration) because it's been a less linear, less staid path. I suspect he, in turn, might admire the job security and salaries I've had though. Think carefully about what you like and what's important to you - don't go into a career to please someone else!

"...don't want to disappoint them, but I also think I have a right to enjoy my life and be happy with the job I do... "

OP, just as a different point of view - wanted to say that your parents, I am sure, want you to enjoy life, which is why they are concerned about your financial and long term security.

It IS important to your quality of life so remember to choose wisely. You have been blessed with many opportunities and have the academic background many strive for.

Speak to your siblings about their motivations and any doubts they may have had, as I am sure you are not alone in those thoughts at that stage of your life.

There is a balance to be struck. Wishing you the best of luck in striking the optimum model.

Hello everyone.

Thank you all so much for all of your advice and help.

Just a quick update - I've done quite a lot of research into different things that I'd like to do for myself.

I've actually now started volunteering with a local Citizens Advice bureau, which I'm finding really interesting, and have also started training to be a volunteer presenter on a local hospital radio station. I'm still carrying on with my part-time work, and also have been going for interviews for full-time entry-level roles that I like the sound of to give myself some office experience.

I spoke with my aunt and uncle about all of this, and they were hugely supportive and kind. They actually had a word with my parents about it as well. My Mum has now come round to my way of thinking a bit, and has been really helpful. She's said that I'm doing well and that she's sure that everything will start coming together soon for me.

My Dad has been a bit more difficult to convince, and he's still suggesting that a career in law would be the best thing to go for. He thinks training to be a paralegal would be the best thing for me. I've tried to explain my point of view, but it looks like we're not really seeing eye to eye and find it quite hard to understand each other's points of view, even though this thread has been really helpful in showing me why my parents might think the way they do.

I spoke to one of my siblings about all of this the other day, and they said that I'll probably never own my own home and will never earn as much as they do if I keep on thinking like this

I was in quite a similar position when I finished my degree and ended up teaching adults in Australia for a year while I figured out what to do. I now have a house and a reasonably well paid job so don't let that put you off taking some time to figure out what you want to do. And anyway, money and mortgages aren't the be all and end all of life!

Go, OP.

Ignore your sibling. Ask them if they're happy. And does it matter if you own your own home if, say, you live in Europe or elsewhere in the world? Or end up somewhere else in the UK where homes are affordable?

Oxon myself in the days when it was nearly full employment for graduates of any kind and non-graduates as well, so it's got much tougher since your parents' day.

Know too many grads now who have gone into finance and law. Yes, they start at £40000 and end up in six or more figures - but they can't plan their own lives/get hoiked out of weddings, theatre, holidays over a weekend/pay for round the clock cover for child care just to feed the Beast. For many it works but for some it's heart-breaking.

If that's not you then don't do it. Perhaps your Dad is just thinking if you train as a paralegal he can give you a leg up.

Enjoy what you've chosen - eg hospital radio and CAB. Give it some time so you can work out what best suits you. You'll be working to 70 anyway so any choice you make in this changing world won't be definitive.

I would out money on your sibling being jealous, so I would ignore their input. We spend so much time at work. If you can find something that you enjoy, it makes a massive difference to our quality of life. And if you enjoy something, you tend to get good at it, which usually means the financial rewards improve too.

Thanks so much Millie, Who and Bobby.

I've also been looking into something called the JET programme, where people can spend a year teaching English in Japan. It sounds really exciting, so I'll definitely look into applying. Has anyone on here had any experience of it at all?

Just had a lovely text from my mum that says that she'll be proud of me whatever I do.

She's also sent me a link to a programme called Speak in Italy, which pays all accommodation, food and travel costs for English speakers so they can go to Italy for a week to help Italian people to improve their English. I've dropped the programme organisers an email to find out more - it sounds really interesting.

The only people I have met who act like your parents are my Indian friend's parents. She went through the same phase and finally took up a civil service job and is doing well for herself but not well enough for her parents. I guess a lot of it is cultural as well.

Gosh that's so sad bluebells :( hopefully she's enjoying her job now :)

I've actually really started having counselling for some stuff unrelated to all of this, but I think I might bring up some stuff that happened in my childhood just as a way of understanding how I came to be who I am now and how I can feel better about myself.

I was always doing lots of different after-school activities during the week as a child that my parents chose for me, and when I said that I'd like to try different activities instead, they both just said 'but why would you want to? These activities are good for you.' I get that their heart was in the right place, but it just felt a bit frustrating not to do something for me.

My Dad in particular was really enthusiastic about the tiger parenting book that came out a couple of years ago, if anyone remembers it, but I just thought it was really sad and a bit of a shame for the author's children.

My friend did JET after uni 10 years ago and loved it. A totally different culture she said.

I also did languages at university and had parents with high expectations. Due to their pressure, I went into accountancy as I had no real understanding of myself or what jobs I could do. While I didn't hate it, I don't know if it was entirely the right choice. Like you I wanted to help people, and managed to use my finance training in the charity world for many years. Having a professional training does allow you to then choose the sector you want to work in, which doesn't have to be corporate money-making.

Now age 50, I'm finally taking the time to re-think my career path!! I think taking the time to work out what you want at your age without being whisked onto a career treadmill is absolutely the right thing. Stick to your guns and don't give into any family pressure, I think trying out several options like you're doing sounds great. Good luck.

Thanks cheminotte and Purple :)

The only people I have met who act like your parents are my Indian friend's parents. She went through the same phase

Could I ask, bluebells, if you know how your friend decided what she wanted to do? It would be interesting to hear about how she decided on a career path and how she ended up doing something for herself that she enjoyed.

Just bumping this :)

The pressure was insane and she decided that she will have nothing to do with her parents for a few years. She moved to London, flat-shared while working at restaurants and bars, and took time to clear her head. She then realized that she wanted to do something that is long term, not high pressure and the sort of job that makes a difference to the world. She started looking for jobs and zoned in on civil service as an option when a customer at a bar suggested it. She found something at the Home Office and she loves her job.

Thanks bluebells - the Civil Service definitely sounds like something that I'd be interested in.