Huge pressure from parents and feeling totally confused - what to do?

[CheeseEatingSurrenderMonkey]

I'm a first-time poster, so sorry if this isn't the best place for this sort of post - I wasn't sure where to put it.

This might sound crazy, but I didn't feel like I could talk about this with anyone in real life, so hope you don't mind me asking you all for some help.

I just feel so much pressure from my family to decide on what I should be doing for the rest of my life and I haven't got a clue :(

I come from a fairly big family, with loads of cousins and siblings, and everyone just seems to be doing so well (Dad in a fairly high-up position in finance, Mum is a dentist, and all my siblings and cousins are in things like law, finance and medicine - either studying or have already been working for a few years).

I'm the second-youngest of five, so saw three of my siblings get great results at school, go off to uni to do amazing degrees and then go into great jobs. They all worked so hard to get to where they are now, and they've done so well.

I also went to uni, but felt really pressured by my parents and school into making certain decisions. I liked the look of a Languages university course in Cardiff, but my Dad suggested that I apply to Oxford. I ended up getting in and have now finished my degree, graduating last summer. I liked the degree and some bits of living there and the whole experience, but the pressure that I felt during the course just reminded me of the pressure that I had growing up.

Education is sooo important to my parents, and it is really important to me too, but now that I've finished my degree, I just don't really know what to do with my life. I feel so tired and exhausted.

Since finishing last year, I've been doing stuff like giving music lessons for local kids where I live and have a part-time job in a restaurant while I figure out what to do with my life.

I think my parents find it really embarrassing that I'm aimless and not doing anything specific with my life. They keep on saying I should try and do a law/finance grad scheme when they ask what I'll do with my life, but it's so hard to talk to them and my siblings as they're always so busy and I don't want to disturb them. I feel a bit like the family embarrassment

I do want to be successful and to go into something where I can earn a good salary and progress, if that doesn't sound too money-grabbing. But I've looked at what my parents and siblings did, and honestly none of it appeals. My parents are a bit like Tiger-parents and I really don't want to disappoint them, but I also think I have a right to enjoy my life and be happy with the job I do. Just stuck on what I can do.

I too grew up in that type of environment and what I would do if I had my time again is: do
stuff I'm passionate about rather than just professional/academic stuff my parents wanted me to do and travel. If you can earn some money I'd take yourself away for a year, volunteer, see the world and give yourself some time. Just because those types of careers work for your siblings it doesn't mean they're right for you.

I think you are doing really well, you should be so proud of yourself. Go and have some fun and take your time thinking about the next phase of your life. Now is the time to apply for ski chalet staff. Look up the ski companies and apply, I know he would if I was your age. Im sure there will be other ideas that you could think about. Do what you want.

Are you living at home? That will make it harder to be independent. If you're serious about wanting to earn OK money and be an independent adult then you'll need to investigate your options, which will be many.

Thanks Loopy. I moved out a couple of months ago to live with some school friends, and it has helped, as I do feel much freer than if I was still at home.

It's careers that I'm really stuck with - I have no clue at all what I'd like to do. I got into contact with my university careers service to ask for some advice, as we're allowed to contact them after graduating, but they haven't got any availability at the moment for appointments until the end of October unfortunately. I looked into getting advice from a life coach or careers coach - it does look quite expensive though and I can't afford it at the moment.

Does anyone have any ideas about where I can start? Would be grateful for any signposting to any resources or services, or general careers advice to help me find a direction. I think it would really help if I start by figuring out what I want - I have absolutely no idea about how to go about that though. This sounds so strange to say now, but it really feels as if I've only just realised that I've spent my whole life so far looking to see how I can please others rather than making my own choices for me. That probably sounds so spineless....!

There are some quite good online career questionnaires. Some of the bigger career coach services have good questionnaires that can be accessed for a fee, but much less than a full consultation with a career coach. It sounds like this like to feel excited or passionate about something. What are you drawn to,/interested in outside of academic studies?

Does your degree lead you to actual career choices or was it one that opens many doors?

What are you actually interested in/have an aptitude for?

Thank you hettie and nanny :) I really enjoy writing - I've always loved it. I also quite like researching (sounds quite sad, but when I had to submit essays at university, I'd quite enjoy the process of working out what the question was asking and then deciding how best to answer it). I also love helping people - helping people to solve problems, listening to them and working out with them if and how I can help them.

Now that I'm really thinking about it, I think it would be amazing to have a career or job where I can do something useful and helpful. I think with my family, because everyone is doing something 'corporate', I never really thought about what would suit me best. A few friends of mine at university went on to do things like Teach First. I don't know if I should look into it - I've never taught before though, so maybe it's not for me. I'm not sure.

My degree was in Italian and French. Although I did enjoy both subjects, I feel like I prefer French and am better at it, as I started Italian from scratch at university.

I think it would really help if I start by figuring out what I want - I have absolutely no idea about how to go about that though.

Work. Any work. Crazy unsuitable work. Overseas. Anywhere. Don't look for a job to grow into a life long career, look for information, expect to iterate.

Observe all the different roles in play wherever you are. Talk to people there who you consider interesting and find out about their jobs, their route to them. Pay attention to everything around.

The happiest people I know (including myself) got to our careers through seemingly crazy routes.

You probably have never heard of my job, much less understand it, nor did I until I saw someone else doing it when I was doing a different job.

Don't navel gaze. Get out and try stuff. It's a big research project to determine what's out there, what you like, what you hate. Most of that can only be determined by getting out and doing something, anything, with your eyes open being a total meerkat for opportunities and information.

In terms of dealing with the immediate pressure, remember that nobody can actually force you to answer questions or respond to statements if you don't want to answer. Even the police can't make you (though they can draw inferences from you not answering!) and your parents certainly can't.

Have a think about some responses designed to reduce the pressure on yourself.
So they say 'You should think about a law conversion course'
You might say 'Oh didn't X sibling do law conversion? God I remember how much she hated it. How is X? I had a chat with her the other day, sounds like she's as pressured as ever at work'

They say 'Megabank Y has a great graduate training scheme, are you going to apply?'
You say 'What attracted you to your first job in finance Dad? When did you think it was for you?' [cue long anecdote about the good old days in banking, which if you're lucky might actually be interesting!]

As someone who didn't grow up at all until I was 31 and finally had to admit I'd married the wrong person and needed a divorce, you are in a really difficult period of life for those of us who have always done what we are told because after all, big successful grown-ups seem like logical people to listen to. You have to start listening to yourself now and living with the consequences, and for a long time what you hear may not make much sense. I kept hearing myself say 'do a really simple job and be less scared' and that did help a bit, but also meant that when I made mistakes I felt dreadful because the job was so basic. I also had difficulties with career advisors because I tended to go to them with an idea and they will always tend to say 'that idea sounds ok'. The single most important thing I did was to pay attention when I felt I was in the right place/wrong place (working even at the very edges of the media always felt terrible; working even tangentially connected to healthcare always felt right). Another useful thing was to make lists of what I really wanted (in a positive way, i.e. not lists of what I didn't want). Noel Edmonds would call it cosmic ordering but I would call it being honest - once you know what you really want, things do get a little easier.

A book that is often recommended is What Colour Is Your Parachute but I personally didn't find it was immediately helpful - others have though. Another insight (sorry this is bitty) is that the job I'm doing now, which is exactly the right job for me, is a) still quite hard and b) probably wouldn't have been the right job for me ten years ago. You DO NOT have to get it right first time, second time - there's no such thing. Keep interested, keep trying, and if you are somewhere where you are not interested and not trying, you are in the wrong place.

Thanks Rabbit :) what kind of work are you involved in? Hope you don't mind me asking - just curious!

This isn't a bad starting point...
www.prospects.ac.uk/?utm_source=sector_traffic&utm_medium=email_marcomms&utm_campaign=Jobs_Weekly_Vacancies_25aug17&utm_content=19790

Apologies for scrappy link. On my phone. Hope it works!

Teach First is a great idea, possibly. Or a PGCE? Why teach first particularly? Am slightly concerned that you have immediately turned to something that your family might consider more prestigious than just, you know, being a teacher?

Researching and writing. Did academia ever appeal?

I agree with the people who suggest you try working abroad for a while. It will give you time to find your feet and get a real taste of freedom.

Go work in France for a while. Better to do small aimless jobs there than here while you figure it out. Easier to explain as a 'gap year' too.

Travel travel travel 😘

Go and teach English in Italy and have fun.

If you like writing, start your own blog that charts your path, where you can put your thoughts on paper, ask existential questions. So document your journey if you like.

You could be a lectrice at a French university. You'll get an idea of whether you like teaching, and the pay isn't too bad. Usually you work about 15 hours in the classroom, so you should get a fair bit of free time. It's useful and would get you away and able yo have one space for yourself.

The first thing to explore is whether the pressure is actual or is it something you feel because you are comparing yourself with your older siblings. In other words, have your parents ever actually said, or strongly implied that you are an embarrassment or is that something you have put upon yourself?

I'm imagining you were my smart, capable daughter and at the point where life choices were made, I saw her direction-less. I would point her towards doing a course at a high profile university. Not because I don't want her to be an embarasment but because it would give her choices. If after she was finished she was still unsure, I would suggest something which would show her educational ability e.g law or medicine, not because I want her to be that, but because it would give her choices.

If she does that and when she is ready, chooses to be an aromatherapist because she loves it, I would support her 100%. And I would know she is truly doing that because she loves it, not because it's one of only a few options open to it. As her parent I would want her to have every opportunity open to her so if she later chooses to do something which needs an academic background, she has it and can follow that dream instead. Absolutely none of it would be because she might be an embarrassment to me.

Is it possible this is what your parents are doing? You sound like a close family. Do you really think your parents would want you to be miserable? Is it at all possible they are simply trying to make sure all options are open to you? Thanks to your dad, you have a degree from Oxford. No matter what the subject is, that will open doors for you if you choose to rattle the handle.

Invite your mum and dad (or closest older sibling) out to dinner and tell them how you feel. I suspect they would be mortified if they've upset you. If not, at least you will all know where you stand.

Do some temp work, choose a bunch of different places and roles, and for sure you will find something which suits you. It is unlikely you will find it bussing tables or teaching kids, given you've been doing that for a while and neither of them seem to be inspiring you.

I ho early suggest a year travelling to think things through and broaden your horizons
Aso surely your parents can't be embarrassed then as they can say our daughter is taking a gap year
Win/win

Go and work or travel abroad for a year and clear your head. If you're choosing to teach music you might want to consider a career in education but don't force yourself down any route just yet. If you go and do voluntary work overseas I'm sure your parents would be proud of you just as much as if you do a PhD. Plenty of opportunities to serve others and understand yourself a bit better.
As one of those tiger parents, you need to understand they are doing it from a position of love and concern that you make choices now that will give you a good future. Sadly, a decent income does make people more comfortable and more attractive to others so they often find long term relationships easier and can have a more fulfilling life. I'm not saying that's always true but it often is.
They want you to be secure, happy and looking forward and see education as a route to this.

I'm not sure you are really 'hearing' all the 'take time out, gap year, volunteer, travel' advice.

I imagine that you feel you can't afford any significant amount of time out like that. It's not the done thing... if you want a corporate career or an academic one even, from where you are now, and with your family background, it probably feels like you can't lose any time. Hence you feel pressure to make up your mind about what you want right now, so that you can take the next steps necessary; and don't feel that there is a possibility of exploring first.
Similarly your family are probably thinking that with your degree, if you want to have a 'career' then you'd better get stuck in NOW.

But you don't have to, you know. Taking a year out to explore won't ruin your chances of ever getting onto that graduate programme, or of starting at Teach First, or anything. It WILL make you a more interesting candidate, if you should at the end of it decide to do that. And it will mean that you are making a positive choice, whatever you do choose at the end of it.

But this is speaking from hindsight. I do understand that when you are in that situation, the pressure to decide what you want to do, so you can get started in the right direction, is immense.
It seems you are successfully resisting the pressure to get into this or that corporate thing that you don't really want.
But you are not yet resisting the pressure that requires you to make decisions now, and start working towards your career goals now.

Call it research. Tell your family (and yourself) that as you have so far been in a very specific environment, both at home and at uni, you have little knowledge of the real rest of the world, so whereas you are sure that you do NOT want 'more of the same', you cannot say yet what you DO want, and hence you are going 'researching', exploring, in order to find out. Not just to see what sort of activities you enjoy, but, as others have said, to observe all the types of jobs and careers that people have, in real life, outside of the corporate world and of academia.

Try not to feel pressure to find the "perfect" job straight away. I only found mine 8 years after leaving uni and just kept myself busy with a couple of things that seemed interesting in between - you can always change later on if you try something and don't like it.

I found the book "7 habits of highly effective people" by Stephen Covey to be instrumental in helping me work out what I wanted to do with my life. I have a feeling that what I want to do might change in the next 10-15 years...but that's ok!

You've had some very good replies op and I agree with so much of what's been said. I also have close family who've been through this and feel as you do now, so I also get it.

Some random ideas of things I think you could do:

Market research can be international and is intelllecrually stimulating, involves writing and research and chatting to people (focus groups). My friend does healthcare market research which she really enjoys - her agency has other EU offices do there is also travel. Maybe you could look to find out more about whether this would suit you.

It sounds as though language teaching is also an option.

Psychology conversion course to qualify as psychologist?

Most importantly do enjoy your life and travel in this thinking time stage. So much easier without mortgage, permanent job and partner plus dc (if they are part of your ultimate log plans!)