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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How would you deal with this triviality?

85 replies

flipflap75 · 20/09/2017 15:58

My landline rang at 7.48 this morning - cue palpitations as no-one usually calls that early unless there's drama/illness etc.

It was my mother, calling to tell me that it's my sister's boyfriend's birthday on Friday. I said (in a 'happy' voice), "It's a bit early, Mum. We don't really do calls before 9, unless something's up." She hung up.

She'd previously offered to collect the kids from school and bring them home today as I was WFH. She's just brought them back, and is barely speaking to me. I asked her how she was and she just about managed a "fine" in a funny voice.

Not the first time this kind of nonsense has gone on, but I'd be really grateful to hear how you reasonable people would deal with it.

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 20/09/2017 17:19

Does she do this kind of thing a lot? You've hinted as much.

paxillin · 20/09/2017 17:20

No, no. Shows need audiences, even passive aggressive silent shows. No audience, no show. Don't react to it in any way. You asked how she was, she said "fine". So assume she's fine.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 20/09/2017 18:00

But you were rude to her because it wasn't early and you were basically saying 'I don't care call later'.

But she didn't say that!

Reading the responses from some people on AIBU recently and I'm starting to understand why the world is the way it is. It seems people are just waiting to be offended, to criticise others for the tiniest perceived slight and to stand on the moral high ground sneering at those they deem 'rude'.

I know all opinions are varied and complex and subjective and what one person thinks worthy of criticism another person might just think, 'whatever.' But so many people on here are just so quick to bring people down when they've only asked for advice about a problem they're having. Be critical if you must but be kind!

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2017 18:29

If it was an adult child, or a friend who had rung, what sort of response would the OP have got, I wonder?

Someoneasdumbasthis · 20/09/2017 18:31

Rule in our family is no calls before or after ten. Except emergencies of course. I thought that was pretty common. My DH's family are the same.

MrsMHasIt · 20/09/2017 18:33

Another vote for you were rude.
She hasn't got form for this, if she had you wouldn't have thought it was an emergency when the phone went, you would have been annoyed but guessed it was her.
I think you overreacted to a 'first time offence'. I think you hurt her feelings.

Pengggwn · 20/09/2017 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

illustratednews · 20/09/2017 18:35

We don't really do calls before 9, unless something's up.

Who is the we? She was on the phone to you. Not your entire family. I assume that you are not the queen and so it wasn't a 'royal we'. You were being pretentious and affected.

You were rude. She can spend her time helping you with the children but you are above giving her a few minutes of your time on the 'phone?

MrsMHasIt · 20/09/2017 18:36

I think you should apologise.

Ontopofthesunset · 20/09/2017 18:38

Well, I think it's weird that the mother hung up and is now sulking, but I also think it's strange htat people seem to get very fixated on correct times to phone. So it's a bit irritating, but getting your kids ready for school is not uninterruptable.

FlandersRocks · 20/09/2017 18:49

She sounds just like my mum op.

My mum will cop the hump over the most random, trivial 'slights' when she feels like it. She lets other, bigger stuff go.

She won't say anything but will have a face on her and answers with 'fines' and 'ok's.

I've pondered this and watched/learnt over the years. I've come to the conclusion it's a control-freakery issue she has as it tends to happen when she doesn't have a say in something/is pulled up on something, however nicely done...the phone call you describe would be how she would react.

The silence/face/withdrawal is my 'punishment' in my mother's case. She used to do it to us as children too, although infrequently. It's a type of emotional abuse really.

I just ignore my mother's moods now, completely. It's the only way to deal with her, like a tantrumming child...ignore.

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2017 18:57

Or you could just say"I'm sorry I was short on the phone this morning, mum. You caught me on the hop a bit!" like a civilized human being. All this "treat her like a tantrumming child" stuff is ^awful"!

Nuttynoo · 20/09/2017 19:07

Telling your mum not to call before 9am when she goes out of her way to pick up your kids, is too much. You need to remove your blinkers and view it from her point of view - she provides a service people often pay hundreds of pounds for, and you can't even take a measly call for her.

TashaRomanoff · 20/09/2017 19:18

You were rude to her. What did you gain from telling your mum that? You may as well have finished the conversation

FlandersRocks · 20/09/2017 19:48

I think some of you are nuts.

The op wasn't rude at all IMO. Nothing to apologise over.

Skarossinkplunger · 20/09/2017 19:59

I think you were rude. If it's not a regular thing then why point it out! A simple "thanks Mum, I'll see you later" would have sufficed. I don't blame her for not wanting to do you a favour after that, she was probably embarrassed at being chastised by her own daughter.

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2017 20:22

I think some of you are nuts.

The op wasn't rude at all IMO. Nothing to apologise over."

Some people seem to interpret "rude" in interesting ways!

guestofclanmackenzie · 21/09/2017 03:08

I would never have spoken to my mum like that. She has form for being a bit sensitive and if the early morning phone call was a one off, which given you had palpitations thinking it was an emergency, tells me it was, I would have let it go instead of lecturing her about your house rules! I know she would have been hurt and it wouldn't have been worth offending her. Instead, I would have made a comment like "gosh you scared me a bit there given how early it is (even though the time wasn't exactly middle of the night) I thought something had happened"

Anyway in terms of how to deal with the cold shoulder, I would just be extra nice to her and she will come around. (It's hard to be stroppy to someone who is extra nice) You got your point across, she feels she has been reprimanded and no doubt she will come around soon.

kickingcancersass · 21/09/2017 05:19

Well on a positive note, she won't be calling early again. Job done!

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuckKeidis · 21/09/2017 05:27

I have family who do this. Then they get arsey because I have DND on before 8.50 in the morning, when I'm busy getting the DC to school , and after 9 at night, when I'm in bed.

Ilovetolurk · 21/09/2017 06:18

I'm torn on this one . In our household my DM is a lark not so much the rest of us and it doesn't bring out the best in us shall we say

She's probably well on the way to getting over it by now

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/09/2017 06:19

I would imagine the "we don't really do...." stung because you're effectively telling her she's not part of your family as by definition she is doing something your family doesn't do. Perhaps she is a sensitive soul and you put your foot in it regularly because you're not, idk. All I know is you did hurt her feelings and it is nothing to do with who was rude and who was unreasonable, it's about how you made your mother feel like an outsider. As a result, you should apologise imo and reassure her that she's an important part in your lives, seeing as she picks your kids up regularly an all.

Pengggwn · 21/09/2017 06:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WomblingThree · 21/09/2017 06:23

I’d me more pissed off that she was ringing to remind me about a birthday. My mother does this. She seems to have missed the bit where I’m not 12 anymore, and that I have my own calendar where I write people’s birthdays 😒

gorygloria · 21/09/2017 06:30

How old is she? When my mum gets it into her head there's something she needs to tell me (no matter how seemingly trivial), she will ring numerous times until I answer, though she knows I am often in meetings so couldn't take call. And I wonder know whether she has to tell me before she forgets or she forgets I'm in meetings. Or that in her world which is alot smaller than mine, it's just very important to her. Cut her some slack, she's your mum. Just tell her you didn't mean to be short with her, you're just really busy at that time of day.

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