Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you deal with this triviality?

85 replies

flipflap75 · 20/09/2017 15:58

My landline rang at 7.48 this morning - cue palpitations as no-one usually calls that early unless there's drama/illness etc.

It was my mother, calling to tell me that it's my sister's boyfriend's birthday on Friday. I said (in a 'happy' voice), "It's a bit early, Mum. We don't really do calls before 9, unless something's up." She hung up.

She'd previously offered to collect the kids from school and bring them home today as I was WFH. She's just brought them back, and is barely speaking to me. I asked her how she was and she just about managed a "fine" in a funny voice.

Not the first time this kind of nonsense has gone on, but I'd be really grateful to hear how you reasonable people would deal with it.

OP posts:
bruffin · 20/09/2017 16:22

I woul;d never have said that to my mum or dmil, but then MN seems to think family is only there for childcare sometimes.

all you had to say was as Idontevencareanymore says

"Sorry mum im busy at the moment, can we chat later"

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2017 16:25

If she didn't know about your no calls before 9 rule you were rude. If not, not.

PerspicaciaTick · 20/09/2017 16:30

You knew you were going to see her later today when she dropped of the DCs, so you knew you had the perfect chance to gently say something face to face about early phone calls.
Instead you were hugely rude over the phone - but still used her to do the running around after your children. I can understand why she is feeling a bit miffed.

graziemille · 20/09/2017 16:31

If your mum doesn't call this early usually have you considered that maybe she felt a bit lonely and wanted to talk to her daughter. Possibly the reason she talked about something so inane.
You could have just said 'thanks mum' and 'I'll see you later'.

LonginesPrime · 20/09/2017 16:31

I felt obliged to say something this morning because she also called at 8am on my birthday a couple of weekends back

Jeez, she sounds like a right bitch!

SolemnlySwear2010 · 20/09/2017 16:32

I would wait for her to get over it. My DM has a habit of getting offended over the slightest perceived insult/rudeness.

I used to bend over backwards to try and make up for it but now i just leave her to it.

Ontopofthesunset · 20/09/2017 16:32

Did it actually wake you up? If so, you say "Sorry if I sounded a bit brusque this morning, Mum, but your call woke me up and I was worried it might be serious."

If it didn't wake you up, I'm not sure exactly what the problem is as it can have only mildly inconvenienced you at best, but in any case you then say "Sorry if I sounded a bit brusque this morning, but I was really rushing around getting the kids ready for school" or whatever narrative makes sense. And then you reiterate nicely your preference not to receive calls before whatever time.

diddl · 20/09/2017 16:34

It's not really early if you're up & about, but a nuisance if you're trying to get kids ready & out the door I would think.

I'm sure I would have said "I thought it was going to be important!"

I'd just carry on as normal-if she chooses to get upset when you're short with her then there's not much you can do.

I mean she had most of the day to just put it behind her!

TheDodgyShoesOfDrFoster · 20/09/2017 16:45

Haha, cue all the early-morning moral-high-ground zealots with their ridiculous "why weren't you already up at that time"!? As if it's anyone's business or an indicator of productivity/ worthiness! Grin

On lots of phone models you can set your phone not to ring out loud until a certain time (on mine - a Panasonic - it's called 'night mode'). I don't have children, I write for a living - often very late at night - and regularly don't get up til 10 or 11 a.m. My landline is set not to ring out loud until 11.

And your mother IBU !

Ttbb · 20/09/2017 16:48

I normally pretend that nothing is happened until the other party has got over it. If you apologise she will just do it again and rinse and repeat.

RedSkyAtNight · 20/09/2017 16:50

Anyone with school children is going to be up at 8am, it's hardly high-moral-ground-zealot behaviour to query it.

only vaguely related to the actual thread,but my mother always rings after 9pm, despite me saying many times that we only after the phone after 9pm if it's an emergency. I think you have to just nod and smile.

guilty100 · 20/09/2017 16:51

You were maybe a little rude, she was sulky as a teenager in return, though. I would apologise for being a bit short, but say that she frightened you into thinking something was seriously wrong, and your reaction reflected that.

FlowerPot1234 · 20/09/2017 16:51

The point isn't whether you agree it's too early, it's how to deal with the fact that I wasn't rude to her, but she's decided to take massive offence nonetheless to the point of not speaking to me

It's the ignoring thing I'm looking for help with.

I'm afraid you can't look for help at the effect of something (her ignoring you), without looking at the cause (you offended her somehow by telling her it was too early to phone).

NoParticularPattern · 20/09/2017 16:53

I'd have sat on the end of the phone and done exactly as you did. I'd be baffled as to why your sister's boyfriend's birthday was important enough to warrant a phone call pre 8am. I don't think I'd ring anyone to tell them it was my birthday at 8am never mind someone else's!!

I second/third the carry on as normal tactic and let her get over herself. It's not like you answered the phone with a big fuck off and then slammed the phone down. She'll get over it!!

TheDodgyShoesOfDrFoster · 20/09/2017 16:54

RedSkyatNight

Do you know OP has school-age children>

People have different lifestyles: shock horror!

BabsGanoush · 20/09/2017 16:57

Sounds like my MIL. Awake since the crack of dawn fretting about the minutiae of life with no real concept of working and raising a family in this day and age.

PollyFlint · 20/09/2017 17:05

I'm kind of amazed by all the people who think it's fine to phone people with non-urgent messages at 7.48am and also that it's rude to breezily say 'It's a bit early!' to your own mum.

Regarding her reaction, I would just ignore it. I'm sure she'll get over her huff soon.

Just out of interest - no idea how old your mum is, of course, but she has she been otherwise OK? If she doesn't normally do this and overreacted when you pointed out that she doesn't usually phone this early, I was just wondering if she might somehow have been confused about the time and then been completely thrown when you pointed it out to her.

My sister once phoned me at 7.30am about something random/non-urgent when she was having a mental breakdown and when I said 'Sorry, I was asleep - it's 7.30 in the morning' it transpired that in her confused she genuinely had no idea a) what time it was or b) that phoning someone at that time about something non-urgent wasn't something she'd normally do. Also my grandad took to phoning at weird times when he got very elderly.

LadyLapsang · 20/09/2017 17:08

I think you were pretty rude, "We don't really do calls before 9...."to your own mother who is coming to care for your children later in the day, you're not talking to a stranger. If you had said it's a mad rush here and we are trying to get the children to school, but thanks for reminding me, we'll catch up later, it would have sounded better.

butterfly198615 · 20/09/2017 17:09

Maybe your mum just wanted to talk to you. I wouldn't care morning, middle of the night during the day etc my mum could ring me anytime. She might just of felt she wanted to speak to you , maybe she was going to tell you something else and when you said what you did, She thought it doesn't matter then hung up.
If I wasn't expecting a call that early in the morning id have said something along the lines of ' had me worried for a second there , No one usually calls this early in the morning, is everything ok ?

You sounded a bit abrupt, if you said it how you worded it above.
But if your mum knows the no ring in the morning rule, fair enough but then maybe you could have said it a bit better. As not to affend your DM.

I wouldn't say you have to say sorry just maybe think before you speak to your mum that way, unless it's how you usually talk to your mum.

How would you feel being in your DM shoes.

PollyFlint · 20/09/2017 17:09

Anyone with school children is going to be up at 8am, it's hardly high-moral-ground-zealot behaviour to query it.

Up, yes ... but probably not in a position to take a non-urgent phone call, given they'll be trying to get kids ready, dressed, fed, watered, schoolbags packed, homework found etc.

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 20/09/2017 17:11

8am is not early , half the people I know are at work by then ...

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 20/09/2017 17:12

But you were rude to her because it wasn't early and you were basically saying 'I don't care call later'.

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2017 17:13

Surely a more normal response to a family member you like well enough to have them looking after your children is "Blimey-this is a bit early- you OK?"

paxillin · 20/09/2017 17:13

I would ignore the sulk and carry on as normal.

It is irrelevant that some MNetters get up at 5 am with the larks, she didn't call them, she called you and you don't.

Migraleve · 20/09/2017 17:18

Do you know OP has school-age children

I think the bit where the OP DM was collecting the children from school and bringing them home was a bit of a giveaway Wink

OP I would have it out with her because I don't do the silent pish