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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to come with us to baby immunisation appointment?

164 replies

SureJan · 20/09/2017 07:45

Baby has her 8 week immunisations this week. I've asked DH to come to the appointment with us, as I'm worried that baby will be inconsolable & I could do with the moral support!
He says he doesn't want to take time off work for it when I can take her on my own - he'd have to take it as either annual leave or unpaid leave.
AIBU to insist that he comes with me? Or am I right to feel a bit annoyed with him, because baby is as much his responsibility as she is mine?
Or am I being far too PFB about the whole thing?

OP posts:
JayDot500 · 20/09/2017 10:53

Sayyou that's a sad post. I'm pretty sure she already does the bigger share of responsibilities. If she's asking for help, why make it into a pfb thing. I hate this pfb thing. It's as if we're all the same woman, the same kind of mother, who never takes her 'mother cap' off and admits to being vulnerable individual, mother badge aside. We all should never admit to others when we are weak and could do with a hand to hold? Bloody hell. I get annoyed at posts such as yours.

HailLapin · 20/09/2017 11:00

Some people are being very harsh here.

Learning to cope with the needs of a newborn is hard work and it takes some longer than others to find their own way with this.

Having anxieties (especially with your first born) is completely natural op , please pay no attention to the negativity here.

LittleLionMansMummy · 20/09/2017 11:01

All kinds of things are going to cause your baby distress in the coming years, so I never really understand what it is about immunisations that make women so anxious. Of course it's horrible to see your child distressed, but I just consoled myself that rather a few seconds of tears than the long and drawn out suffering of the diseases your baby is being immunised against. Sorry if I sound facile about it, but that's the crux of the matter. A feed and cuddles work wonders and there's no need for two parents. It's actually more important that you're both around later in the day when symptoms tend to show themselves. Dd really struggled with her 8 week jabs and I was glad of dh's help and input when the symptoms showed themselves later in the day (she became unputdownable, followed by hours and hours of sleepiness). Good luck op. You and your gorgeous baby will be fine Smile

Original poster
SureJan · 20/09/2017 11:02

Sayyouwill

I get where you're coming from wrt him wanting to use annual leave for proper days out, & his wage supporting our family whilst I'm off work.
But I AM able to be there for my baby, I'm there for her 24/7 without a string of people propping me up.
It's just that for some things that I've never dealt with before I'd like the support of her dad. Yes, FTM's have to learn to deal just like everyone else, but I think it's ok to ask for help when needed.

OP posts:
ShesNoNormanPace · 20/09/2017 11:12

After the screaming from DC1 at the first jabs, I made DH come with us for the second Grin

With hindsight, having him on point the day after to help out with the after effects would have been better than the point scoring 'see I told you it was horrible' on the day.

Sayyouwill · 20/09/2017 11:13

@SureJan ask for help when you need it exactly. If you need help with every small task you're faced then you're in for a scary few years

Wheresmytaco · 20/09/2017 11:14

And I know I'm on maternity leave so therefore it's my job to do stuff like this whilst he's at work. But it would just be nice to have his support & to not feel like DD is solely my responsibility.

Maternity leave means you've already agreed to take a year off for your baby. You're asking for one half day for him.

People like sayyouwill are part of the problem. This is why men aren't usually equal parents. He has two weeks holiday out of a three month year. He is choosing his holiday whenever he wants which effectively means the op has no holiday. His holiday should now be joint holiday. They need to choose it together. Being a martyr to the cause doesn't make you special. It makes you bitter.

ToddlersAndCoffee · 20/09/2017 11:15

I'm glad your able to go by yourself op, I used to get dh do ds1s (pfb - heard loads of people, mainly friends but even nurses telling me how heart breaking it was which hyped me up) we always used to arange them for when dh wasn't at work or when he could go in late. Que ds2 and I found myself in a position where I had to take him as dh had a new job and time off wasn't as flexable. Had to bring ds1 along aswel as ds2, I was really dreading it! Heart pounding tears in my eyes - and it really wasn't that bad! I laughed at how little he even cried! Soon forgotten about after a cuddle! I know what it's like op, you will be fine! Good luck :)

Wheresmytaco · 20/09/2017 11:15

Or maybe she'll be in for a significantly easier couple of years?

dontbesillyhenry · 20/09/2017 11:21

I understand what you are saying wheresmytaco but this is just an immunisation, it takes minutes and is a very minor procedure. It's not like first day at school or an operation

Sayyouwill · 20/09/2017 11:27

People like sayyouwill are part of the problem. This is why men aren't usually equal parents. He has two weeks holiday out of a three month year. He is choosing his holiday whenever he wants which effectively means the op has no holiday. His holiday should now be joint holiday. They need to choose it together. Being a martyr to the cause doesn't make you special. It makes you bitter.

My DH is very much an equal parent. I don't make him take days off work give me morale support and I certainly don't feel like a martyr taking my child for their injections. I feel like a parent.
His 4 weeks holidays are spent having time for us a family and days put aside for an emergency. As are mine now I'm back to work. We don't waste them for a 5 minute appointment when there are bigger and more important things to spend them on.

stopbeingadramallama · 20/09/2017 11:30

We had to go last week.
I had no one else come with us.
I was fine. Baby was fine.

elliejjtiny · 20/09/2017 11:33

Yabu sorry but it's understandable with your first baby. I remember the feeling of dread before ds1's first jabs but it was OK, honestly. I think I was more upset than him.

TammySwansonTwo · 20/09/2017 19:45

There are some seriously nasty people here. They don't know you or your situation. My husband comes to all jabs with me and the twins, I don't make him take time off for every appointment, there are tons of them, but I find the jabs very distressing. One twin spent two months in nicu when they were born and I definitely have some trauma around the whole experience. I have to test his blood sugar many times a day and it took me a while to not feel heartbroken every time I did it. People don't know you or your experiences - chances are he would come, you'd see it's not that awful and it would never be an issue again. Why is that such a terrible demand to make? There's just no need for such nastiness.

LouHotel · 20/09/2017 19:51

In hindsight i didnt need DH there for the actual jabs but needed his help more for the evening after when they were unsettled.

Its ok to be a little anxious with a firstborn and want someone else there with you, could you try and get a 9am appointment so he's only a little late for work?

Ionarocks · 20/09/2017 19:51

My dh came to the first lot of immunisations but he was keen to come and it's quite easy for him to work from home so wasn't a problem. It was nice to have him there as I didn't know what to expect and found it quite upsetting but I just took ds on my own for the others and won't bother asking dh with dc2. You really don't both need to be there and it doesn't sound like it would be straightforward for your dh to get the time off. The worst part for us was the next day when ds had a fever but that's not the case for all babies.

CoteDAzur · 20/09/2017 19:51

"I think it's ok to ask for help when needed"

It's not needed in this case, though.

You'll take your baby to doctor's office, wait a bit with her, then she'll have an injection and cry for a bit, then you'll take her back home.

I'm sure you'll manage.

ButtMuncher · 20/09/2017 19:54

Baby will be fine but it's totally okay to want to share some of the responsibility. My DP worked from home the following day after my sons jabs as I was sleep deprived, recovering from a section and ill myself. I was up in the night due to a increased temperature (common with Men B component of vaccine) and my DP being at home even for an extra hour or two either side of the day helped (we live an hours commute from work, which sways it a bit).

If anything, the day after is usually a bit more difficult. The day itself is business as usual for most babies Grin

Blondebombsite83 · 20/09/2017 20:36

I arranged the appointments late enough for dh to come. Not because I needed him to be there but because it made me feel better about it. He agreed that it wasn't nice and appreciated why I wanted him there. I sometimes make him come with me to get the cat jabs too. I don't see why all the shit jobs should be my jobs!

lookingforthecorkscrew · 20/09/2017 20:37

Does he want to be there? If he did he'd take the time off, surely.

dontbesillyhenry · 20/09/2017 20:38

Why don't you just ask him to take them for the jabs then? It's not something that requires two people mooning around....this parallel universe known as MN once again astounds me

Original poster
SureJan · 20/09/2017 20:39

Thank you for the nice posts.

Obviously I wouldn't expect DH to come to every appointment, I just wanted him to come to this one as I'm nervous about it & I thought it would be a big deal. But from reading about other peoples' experiences on this thread I've realised it's not going to be as bad as I thought & I can totally go on my own, so thank you.
We've agreed that I'll go on my own & im fine with that. I do think though that the day will come when DH has to deal with something baby-related that he isn't comfortable with, & hopefully then he'll be a bit more sympathetic to me & understand where I'm coming from with this a bit better.
And no matter what PP have said, I don't think that me asking him to be there means that I'm a sub-par mum/poor coper/anxious & whatever else was inferred.

OP posts:
dontbesillyhenry · 20/09/2017 20:41

That was to blonde regarding the cats injections

dontbesillyhenry · 20/09/2017 20:43

My DH is very much an equal father. He went with newborn ds to have bloods taken in hospital. He has taken him for jabs when he has been off work. But we didn't both need to sit there worrying about it

niccyb · 20/09/2017 21:38

Are you a first time mum? You sound quite anxious.Your baby will be fine. They may cry for a short time and then become a little feverish for up to 24-48 hours after. Your husband doesn’t need to book time off work to come with you.
There will be other times that your baby may also be inconsolable such as feeding problems, teething, generally unwell.
Speak to your health visitor and other mums as there is support out there for you if you are feeling a little anxious or overwhelmed with everything and we’ve all been there.