Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not force DC to see exDH

68 replies

Strawberryshortcake40 · 19/09/2017 22:57

DC 10 and 15. Have never been that keen to see exDH but I have tried to be positive and amicable over this.
Saturday I had a phone call from 15 year old, to say he had hurt the younger one and was shouting at her. I went round, removed both DC and took them home. He wasn't happy.

He wants to see them tomorrow. They both say no. But he's not willing to accept this. I have said he needs to apologise, own up to his bad behaviour and endeavour to make them feel safe and happy and want to see him. But apparently this is all my fault for "believing them".

Am not sure where I stand legally on this. If anyone has had to do similar. AIBU to not be saying they have to go there?

OP posts:
EamonnWright · 19/09/2017 22:59

At that age it's up to them whether they see him or not.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 19/09/2017 23:00

That's what I thought. But in principle how does that work with someone who won't take no for an answer?

OP posts:
EamonnWright · 19/09/2017 23:06

Will he just turn up at your house?

If they really don't want to see him and he's harassing you then you need to get a non molestation order.

babybels · 19/09/2017 23:08

That's a really difficult situation. Does he have form for lying or hurting the children? Do you believe the 15 year old? Was he/she in the room when this happened?
I think you need to consider all of these answers before you decide. Perhaps a bit of time apart might help them followed by a gradual re introduction if appropriate. If you think there has been violence then you can justifiably refuse contact unless it's supervised.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 19/09/2017 23:09

Turn up? Yes. Phone the house umpteen times? Yes. Ladle emotional abuse on them on the phone making out its their fault for not behaving? Yes.

My suggestion to him was he just backs off and let's the dust settle but he won't.

OP posts:
MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 19/09/2017 23:09

let him know if he's not prepared to listen to the kids or sort this with them he's welcome to see if a court thinks ten and fifteen year olds can be forced to see a nrp against their will.

It's a shock for many nrps when the children finally get old enough that the quality of the relationship they built is the only thing keeping the contact going.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 19/09/2017 23:11

Cross post. If he's going to behave like to them then seriously what does he expect?

EamonnWright · 19/09/2017 23:11

Get a non molestation order granted immediately then you can negotiate from there. He sounds like an arsehole so a bit if legal action might be the jolt he needs.

You should feel safe in your own home.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 19/09/2017 23:14

Yes I believe the 15 year old, she saw it happen. He's never been violent towards them but is very cross and shouty with them much of the contact time.

In his defence (there's something I never thought I'd say!) 15 year old has been ill for a very long time and it is a strain. However i am not prepared to send them somewhere where I don't believe they are safe. He will not admit he was wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 19/09/2017 23:15

He talked to 15 year old tonight and she came off the phone in tears. He had told her he was very sad not to see her and it was up to her to make him feel happy again. Words fail me. He obviously plans to emotionally blackmail them until they give in.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 19/09/2017 23:24

But you haven't said how he hurt her??

Userwhocouldntthinkofagoodname · 19/09/2017 23:25

At that age it's up to them whether they see him or not

No, its a legal matter. At that age they have an input into the legal decision not ultimate decision making, which could be influenced by the other parent.

You need to get a solicitor because he does have a right to see them currently.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 19/09/2017 23:27

She says he pulled her down the stairs by her arm.

OP posts:
kateandme · 19/09/2017 23:47

Cut that down straight away.its not up to her.she needs to be happy make sure they feel safe op.doesn't sound like he's helping.

Twinkleheth · 20/09/2017 02:27

I had a similar issue with ex H (i.e. DD1 and DD2 refusing to see him) and he did come round and bang on door, kick it etc. So we called the police and he was arrested and eventually plead guilty to B of the P. He hasn't tried to make contact since (2.5 years ago) and my DD1 and DD2 are so upset at how it's all turned out - not their fault at all and it breaks my heart they have had to see their father for who he really is. If there is no court order in place then the onus is on him to take you to court. Keep a record of any incidents and if he continues to harass contact the police. Yes contact is a matter for the courts, but the police can deal with any harassment.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 20/09/2017 06:21

No court order in place.

OP posts:
Kingsclerelass · 20/09/2017 06:53

Is there a sensible mediator like a family member who can talk some sense into him?

If not, I think you should keep your dcs at home for a week to let the dust settle, explain to him that they are too upset with him at the mo, and if he kicks off, you call the police.

It is NOT your daughter's job to make him happy. Angry

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 20/09/2017 07:04

Yes I have suggested exactly that, that he can see them in a week or so when the situation has calmed down. Unfortunately he won't accept that.
10 year old is very firm with him "no I won't see you daddy, because you hurt me" but 15 year old is already struggling to cope with the texts etc. She has a Camhs meeting later so I will discuss with them best course of action.

I've posted on here in the past about how her therapist has been teaching her to manage his behaviour but that's v hard for a ill teen to do!

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 20/09/2017 07:16

I remember some of your previous threads, your Ex is a very toxic and abusive man. You really should consider speaking to the police and social services regarding the assault and safeguarding concerns.

UnicornSparkles1 · 20/09/2017 07:23

Change the eldest's mobile number. Stop letting her answer the house phone while this is all ongoing. If your ex can't be trusted to behave then he doesn't get to speak to her. Emotional blackmail is unacceptable.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 20/09/2017 07:27

I don't think it's fair to change her mobile number? Presumably I can block him on it.

At the end of the day he will just turn up I expect. That's why he chose to move so near to us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 20/09/2017 07:29

All I really need to know is is this reasonable for me to say I will make them available to go, but the choice to go is up to them.

Presumably a reasonable parent would understand this and change their behaviour to make their DC feel better?

OP posts:
user327854831 · 20/09/2017 07:29

At that age the eldest is certainly going to be listened to by a court, it's a bit of a grey area with the youngest if it wasn't for what the eldest is saying. Good luck, it doesn't sound like he should be seeing them from what you have said.

Notreallyarsed · 20/09/2017 07:30

He pulled your 10 yo down the stairs by her arm? Then emotionally blackmailed the 15 yo and won't back off? What a cunt. If he turns up at your home, call the police. He's an abuser. Your kids need to be protected from him.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 20/09/2017 07:30

I need to dig out my divorce papers but I'm fairly sure there is something in there to say the DC have to see him together and the youngest isn't able to go there alone. There were concerns back then over his behaviour.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread