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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not force DC to see exDH

68 replies

Strawberryshortcake40 · 19/09/2017 22:57

DC 10 and 15. Have never been that keen to see exDH but I have tried to be positive and amicable over this.
Saturday I had a phone call from 15 year old, to say he had hurt the younger one and was shouting at her. I went round, removed both DC and took them home. He wasn't happy.

He wants to see them tomorrow. They both say no. But he's not willing to accept this. I have said he needs to apologise, own up to his bad behaviour and endeavour to make them feel safe and happy and want to see him. But apparently this is all my fault for "believing them".

Am not sure where I stand legally on this. If anyone has had to do similar. AIBU to not be saying they have to go there?

OP posts:
Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 20/09/2017 07:30

Let him turn up abusive and shouting.
The police will remove him - and get a restraining order.
Your dc need protection.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 20/09/2017 07:31

I was v tempted on Sat to take youngest to a and e to get her arm looked at. I knew it wasn't broken but I thought it would be evidence. I just couldn't bear to think we were taking up hospital time from someone who might need it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 20/09/2017 07:33

Oh I don't expect he will turn up shouting today. It will be tears on the doorstep, begging the DC to see him etc.

There is always a pattern to this. The real problems will start if that doesn't work...

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 20/09/2017 07:37

Can you go out today OP? I can sympathise with having an arsehole X who will stop at nothing to get his own way, even emotionally damaging my son. I have to say, he pulled his arm a few weeks ago and I read him the riot act and told him that if he ever did it again I'd call the police (there is a court order in place unfortunately so I can't stop contact)

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 20/09/2017 07:39

A court at this point will not expect you to wrestle a fifteen year old into her fathers car, and will tell ex to get a grip. The ten year old is more vulnerable, but sounds quite capable of expressing their views, and again you can't just physically force a child that age. As you say, make them available. Put that in writing. He can try to calm down and help the situation or go to court to force his kids into seeing him against their will to meet his own needs - well the relationship then will not be long lasting.

Keep evidence. I would protect the fifteen year old from this emotional bullying, and inform school and CaMHS making sure there's a paper trail so they know too it isn't just a random act on your part.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 20/09/2017 07:39

It will be tea time he comes round I expect. But I could take them out for tea? Good plan!

OP posts:
TammySwansonTwo · 20/09/2017 07:41

Don't force them. Age 10 or so I started begging my mum not to send me to my dads any more. She said she had to or he would stop paying maintenance. Age 13 we stopped going because he and his wife beat the crap out of each other in front of us. Took me a couple more years to tell my mum he had been abusing me. Always listen to your kids when they say no. He will object but tell him it's up to the kids, they don't want to see him and if that's going to change he needs to build bridges with them from a distance until a time when that changes.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 20/09/2017 07:41

Thankfully Camhs are well aware what he's like as he has shown his true colours many times there. The youngest one's school have notes on him too (she had told them she was scared of him previously).

15 year old is finally starting to recover, new school etc and now he's doing this. 10 year old has her 11+ this weekend. It's like he's bloody planned it for maximum impact.

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 20/09/2017 07:42

Avoiding him + treat for you and the kids. Bonus Smile I know you shouldn't have to leave your own home OP because of his fuckwittery, but if it makes things easier for you and your girls it might be worth it.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 20/09/2017 07:44

I was clear in what I said. That I don't bribe the children to want to be with me and in fact on Sat had to take them to work with me etc. I also had to cancel plans I had to go out so it isn't as if I am doing this to keep them here.

At the end of the day they do not like going, that isn't my fault. I do all I can to facilitate that and have in the past had to carry a screaming child to his car and watch them drive away crying. I have numerous texts from them when they are with him saying he is unkind etc. They aren't babies, they shouldn't have to spend most of every weekend being unhappy imo.

OP posts:
Footle · 20/09/2017 08:22

And if contact is only allowed if the 15 yr old is present, she's already had far too much responsibility thrust upon her.

kateandme · 20/09/2017 09:03

if you need to you could email ss or whoever made the pla they myst be seen.or leave a answer phone message to their office. saying its such and such a time and the children are refusing to go to dad out of fear.that you have left it completely available for them to go but out of concern for there wealthfare you are listening to theire fears and taking them out for twa as they are scared of what will happen.that you wanted evidence this is what you are doing.
I don't think anyone would ever bring it against you for acting on protecting your children who are ery vunerable right now
make sre you keep reassuring them.esepcailly the poorly one.she will be in the grip I wreckon right now of her illness trying to manipulate her back and causing this unrationaly to be more her fault that it is.
have you family.could if you don't feel able to go out some other person/witness come at the time hes due.
sit get a good take out watch movie.let them no they are safe and you will act only on what they need and want which you are.
this man keeps winning by people allowing his behaviour and visits to happen.and it sounds to me as if it is spiraling.
my worry would be whats next?
we are all here remember that too if you need to vent or be reassured.
sounds to me like you are doing all you can.
fight for them hun,i can imagine how very scary it must be for two of there age to be stuck in this situ.its really not on!
I'm frustrated and upset for all of you.how is he getting away with behaving this way.your poor luvs.

Wallywobbles · 20/09/2017 09:06

Have a look at the out of the fog website with you eldest. It really helped my DD when she was younger than your DD although it's aimed at adults.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/09/2017 09:12

Just a thought op but if you do go to the police then that will give you evidence you need to obtain legal aid should legal stuff be a worry

endofthelinefinally · 20/09/2017 09:17

Inform gp and police that he has hurt the younger child.
You should have taken younger child to gp or ooh to endure no damage and for documentation on childs medical records.
It isnt a waste of their time if it prevents further physical and psychological injury.

Kingsclerelass · 20/09/2017 09:19

Agree with notreallyarsed. I think you need to tell him No for this week. Any court will understand the need for a cooling off for a few days. And start keeping a diary.

Wallywobbles · 20/09/2017 09:24

It takes years of no contact to see that by trying to keep peace with the agressive ex we do no favours to our kids. You need to step up official complaints, get GP onside, get your evidence sorted for going to court. You may never the get there but it puts you in the correct frame of mind to take action rather than be in your passive defensive position.

Make a GPS appointment for both kids. Get the impact of going to theirs dads documented. Get letters from school and from counseling. Get the youngest some psychological help too. Start working now to reduce the likelihood of them repeating history with a man like their Dad.

SortItOutAlready · 20/09/2017 09:27

You need to gather the evidence.
Get the DC (and you) to record every phone call they (and you) have with their dad.
Save every text he sends and every email / letter etc.

Change numbers / block his number.
Make sure your children do not have to walk to school or from home alone.
Move if you can.

Take it to court and show them all the evidence, the children are old enough to speak up too. No court will force them to see him.

You must protect your children from harm, don't take it lightly, don't let your ex treat your children like shit so you get an easy life.

DeadDoorpost · 20/09/2017 09:33

I know youve stated youre not but As someone who's parent used (and still does use) emotional blackmail please please please don't ever make them feel like they have to see your ExH. By the time I was 12 my DF had realised I didn't want to see my DM as often anymore and to have him tell me I didn't need to see her was the best thing in the world. I didn't realise I has the choice beforehand. It helped my sanity hugely even though she would still try the emotional blackmail (and is starting on it again the closer I get to my due date).
I'm glad you're still offering them the chance but at the end of the day if they don't want to see him, then that's their choice and he will have to suck it up. They're old enough to know what they want so even in court I can't see them having their opinions dismissed if it ever got that far.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 20/09/2017 10:20

I do not have an easy life by sending my DC there! It has been a source of massive concern and worry the whole time. And that bottom line is my issue, I have never wanted them with him because I know what he is like. So I have to be doubly sure that I'm being reasonable about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 20/09/2017 10:22

I have to spend hours every week correcting the behaviours he instils in them. Teaching them that others have an opinion, to be respectful etc etc. I find it exhausting that I have to be more of a parent to try and repair the damage he does every single week.

OP posts:
SpiderCid · 20/09/2017 10:47

If you're concerned for their safety I'd talk to the police and social services.
I would also tell him that you have decided that its unsafe for them to see if at the moment due to his temper and that he needs to seek help. Unfortunately if you tell him its your children decision whether they see him or not and they do decide not to see him, he will just keep trying to emotionally blackmail them. Which as you say is very difficult for children to understand and cope with.
I'm sure you dont want to have to deal with the stress and difficulty it will raise but it be easily for you to deal with his bullshit as a adult than it is for them. As others have said start gathering evidence, recording phone calls and conversations etc.

XJerseyGirlX · 20/09/2017 10:54

I would also log it with the police and social services. That way if he does turn up trying to emotionally blackmail them or shouting abuse (both is as damaging) then him being told by the police he has to stop may help you in some small way.

I would also keep the txts and any evidence

THirdEeye · 20/09/2017 11:09

You need to block his number.

He's emotionally abusive and it's obvious from what you've posted that you have evidence of this.

You could phone and speak to NSPCC and even women's aid for advice. I would also log this with the school as well.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 20/09/2017 11:21

Is it a good idea to take youngest to dr tomorrow? She is still saying her arm hurts.

OP posts:
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