Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that weddings are out of control?

95 replies

Ambonsai · 19/09/2017 19:26

Invitations- kids invited or not?
Childcare nightmares
Partners invited or not? Ceremony, daytime, nighttime invites?
Abroad?- 3 hen/stag parties
Poems- cash requests
Food/ allergies/unfed guests
Who pays for Bridesmaids dresses, that will never be worn again?

Whats the divorce rate? Cynical,me?!!

OP posts:
meditrina · 20/09/2017 12:25

"Who pays for Bridesmaids dresses, that will never be worn again?
The Bride if it’s rented, the bridesmaid is she wishes to keep it"

Disagree

Bride if she is choosing it. Bridemaid only if it's their utterly free choice. Bridesmaids get to keep any that are bough, irrespective of who paid. It then lives in the wardrobe in perpetuity as it feels wrong to get rid of it, even if it's a style and colour you severely dislike. At least flower girl dresses can be re-used as dressing-up.

Also, I quibble with the need for STDs. Nit with the idea of letting far flung guests know well in advance, but the need to pay for a separate but if stationary (and postage costs) when you could just tell people the next time you are in touch after setting the date (STDs onky really being for those closest to you, whose presence you would really miss)

cudeatahorse · 20/09/2017 12:27

just think weddings cause nothing but trouble- and most people get divorced anyway!

Among my friends, the ones who had the big fancy weddings are the ones who have divorced.

CavoliRiscaldati · 20/09/2017 12:27

if the wedding is abroad they don't actually like any of their friends and relatives and frankly they don't want you there.

Completely disagree!

Maybe sometimes, but others: bride (usually) is foreign or has family abroad. Wedding abroad cost a lot less than a local wedding, the bride and groom wants sun and understand if people can't attend. I have been to lovely weddings in Greece, France, Caribbeans.. The entire family and most friends came, but the informal "save the date" had circulated a year earlier, so people could make plans.

I would rather attend a wedding in Spain than a wedding in Watford.

Ivy79 · 20/09/2017 12:28

I feel the same as the OP. Too much fuss and expense in many weddings.

And the stag and hen do's are a piss take too. Used to be a night in the pub, now it's a week in eye-beef-ah.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 20/09/2017 12:29

I think the best weddings are those where the couple marrying are realistic enough to accept that nothing is every absolutely perfect and that sometimes things go wrong. Also, where the aim of the day is to celebrate getting married and have a nice time with friends and family.

The worst weddings are those where one or both of the couple are so tightly wound up about ensuring everything is "perfect" and going into an absolute meltdown if something doesn't go to plan. Or where the wedding is about being the centre of attention - being a "princess" for the day - and the guests are just bit-parts who are expected to fall in line with instructions, including demands for cash and themed outfits etc. Any kind of deviation from the rules - such as pregnant bridesmaids or people unable to fork out £537463473 on minimum spend hotels - is met with hysterics and abuse.

I went to a lovely wedding a couple of years ago. The B&G had spent quite a lot of money but the ceremony and reception were wonderful. Not because they were expensive, but because the B&G were evidently enjoying themselves and were thrilled to see everyone there. They made all the guests feel genuinely welcome and the result was a wonderful day.

Brittbugs80 · 20/09/2017 12:30

I loved my wedding
It was very simple
No dramas

I'm more bothered by people getting so uppity about things that really are nothing to do with them.

You sound a bit like your way of wedding thinking is the only correct/right way?

Same with Stag/Hens. I don't get why people have them, nevermind have week long ones. Because I think they are a waste of time, I didn't have one. DH wanted one, he had one. I went on my friends because that's what she wanted and I certainly would dream of telling her no because I don't like them.

A wedding is only perfect and only needs to be perfect to the couple in question and if you are lucky enough to be invited to share someone's day (who thinks enough of you to have invited you) then you either decline and don't go as it's very much against what you think a wedding should be or go and be polite enough to not slag it off afterwards, just because it didn't meet your levels of perfection.

And how boring would it be if we all liked the same?

Originalfoogirl · 20/09/2017 12:30

Weddings are not out of control. People are out of control. If you want all the fluff and can easily afford it then fair enough, but if you are duped into the hype and can't say no then that's your problem.

11 years ago we paid 10k for a 5 star hotel, 50 day guests and another 50 in the evening. Fireworks, video/photo package, live band, one off handmade wedding gown, high end flowers......the whole shooting match. It was a budget we could afford and everyone had a great time. How we did it was:

  1. Chose a Sunday, everything is cheaper on Sunday. And the Monday was a holiday so our guests still got to recover.
  2. Called in/traded/accepted favours. My mum is a trained seamstress, she made my best friend's wedding dress. So her mum made my cake. My cousin is a florist, the flowers were her gift to us. My sister owns a training company. She offered "at cost" training to the fireworks company. My brother in law is a hairdresser etc etc etc. These favours have all been returned!
  3. Negotiate. The hotel offered us a smaller room and suites for the wedding. I said I wanted the bigger one for the same price, they agreed. Given it was Sunday, they weren't going to get a better offer for that room. The photographer's package was ludicrously expensive. I pointed out what we did want and what we didn't and we agreed a lower cost.
  4. Do it yourself. Table centrepieces, favours, invites etc are only expensive if you buy "wedding" things. Get creative and do something yourself. Something unique. Our table centre pieces were glittered vases filled with quality street and roses (in the days when they didn't have the crappy modern wrappers) , in which we put some glittery twig things. Off the twigs, hung those "weeeeee" balloons. They looked fabulous. And those balloons were a big hit!

A big wedding needn't cost a massive fortune. If we had 5k, we could have done something pretty good for that. It's all about managing your expectations and remembering that it is the marriage which is important, not the wedding.

Or you can be this guy and send your guests the bill....
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-derbyshire-41317297

corythatwas · 20/09/2017 12:31

It's the ones that cause trouble that you hear about. Nobody starts a hilarious MN thread about a wedding where everybody had a good time, adults and children enjoyed themselves together, nobody got drunk or said an unkind word, and bride and groom are still happy 25 years later. Which would be a pretty good description of our wedding, actually.

Original poster
Ambonsai · 20/09/2017 12:31

Herethereeverywhere-thats a bit harsh
It's a topic for discussion like anything else.
I think I started this because I haven't been able to go to the last 2 weddings I was invited to because they had a no kids rule.
I feel like I missed out, but I also feel like they think I don't care.

DarceyBussel- your post is exactly what I mean. So much hassle and drama. Everything you have described can cause trouble.

OP posts:
cudeatahorse · 20/09/2017 12:31

We're at a time in history where most young people can't afford to buy a house and yet, they will find the money to pay for a huge, expensive wedding.

It's fucked up priorities.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 20/09/2017 12:31

I agree with the point about stag and hen parties though. My hen do was a night out round the local town, complete with net curtain and L plates. Seems rather tame compared to what people do now! Each to their own, but I do feel sorry for people who end up with no annual leave or who cannot afford to take their own holiday, because they have had to use it all for stag and hen parties.

cudeatahorse · 20/09/2017 12:34

I do feel sorry for people who end up with no annual leave or who cannot afford to take their own holiday, because they have had to use it all for stag and hen parties.

I know of a few people who have not only used up all their annual leave attending stag and hen parties, they have also got into debt.

The madness needs to end.

corythatwas · 20/09/2017 12:36

And it was quite posh: my DM paid for it, because she wanted to, we went along with arrangements, because she needed cheering up over my emigrating- in the end, everybody was happy and it was a good day. All sorts of people talked to all sorts of people they had never met before, nobody made a fuss about having to sit next to a stranger, children were entertained and behaved impeccably- but nobody would have been thrown if they hadn't; we've met children before.

Original poster
Ambonsai · 20/09/2017 12:37

Britt bugs. I'm not getting uppity. Maybe I should have said lighthearted.
Powerfullizard- that's exactly it, "not trying to buy an unfamiliar dream and a smart version of how they would entertain"

OP posts:
ChocolatePHD · 20/09/2017 12:37

I agree with the OP. If me and hubby did it again we would have a v low key thing with just us and dc. We did the traditional big day and felt obliged to invite partners of people and we had never met those partners; we have photos featuring people who didn't even say congrats to us on the day, or whose names we never knew. We had a really good day and honeymoon but there is no way I'd do it that way or spend £18k in total if I did it now.

guilty100 · 20/09/2017 12:39

Totally agree. Such a lot of money. Such a lot of energy. Such a lot of hassle. Just for one day. It's really not worth it!

I had a shit wedding, though. (Shit to the point that it was too simple even for me, and wasn't what I wanted).

cherrycola2004 · 20/09/2017 12:39

we're def going to elope. can't be arsed with it all. just bugger off together and have a good time. hoping that will cost less as a bit broke!

anyone know how much it actually costs to get married? stupid question i know... i just mean the actual legal bit!

corythatwas · 20/09/2017 12:40

I wonder if I am the odd one out because I am foreign. I was brought up to believe that the ability to behave on a formal occasion was part of everybody's social repertoire, so to speak, and that this was no hardship.

DarceyBusselsNose · 20/09/2017 12:46

cherrycola - around £75 at the registry office, no frills.

DarceyBusselsNose · 20/09/2017 12:46

I do feel sorry for people who end up with no annual leave or who cannot afford to take their own holiday, because they have had to use it all for stag and hen parties.

I don't. Surely these so called adults are able to proritise their own family lives?

brasty · 20/09/2017 12:48

I have enjoyed all the Hen Dos I have been to. But that was because they were nights out, or weekends away, with a bunch of friends. I think the problem is when it is a load of people who don't know each other, and may like doing very different things.

brasty · 20/09/2017 12:49

Darcey You have to add in the cost of reading of the banns. So about £140.

user1485342611 · 20/09/2017 12:50

Herethereandeverywhere your post is absolutely ridiculous. It sounds as if you're the one who needs to get out more.

I agree with some previous posters. I would love if weddings went back to being afternoon affairs with everything done and dusted in time for tea.

DarceyBusselsNose · 20/09/2017 12:52

Banns in a regisrars office? The notice is posted for 28 days, they arent read out. Even if its a church wedding you can get married via special licence and dispense with 28 day banns.

Carley27 · 20/09/2017 12:54

I don't think the size/extravagance of a wedding matters (assuming the couple can afford it), but I think some couples expect too much from their guests/don't take their guests into consideration. If it's going to cost a fortune, be a lot of travelling, they're going to need childcare because you haven't invited their DC etc. then don't be insulted if people don't attend.

Swipe left for the next trending thread