DH's ex wife spending divorce proceedings like water

[TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville]

Back story.. after a very long and protracted divorce (drawn out by the ex wife) and huge legal bills, my DP's ex was awarded, reluctantly by the judge ALL of the proceeds of sale of the marital home. This was in order for her to clear her CC debts she had run up and buy a house outright for her and their two children. The ex has made no effort to get a job in the 4 years since they had separated (despite the chiidrrn being in their teens) so had no mortgage raising capacity whatsoever. Although the judge criticised her for this, the priority was housing he children, and rightly so. DP kept his pension but nothing 'liquid'.

I don't have an issue with the ruling, however the marital home has finally sold, almost 18 months after the divorce was finalised, she has a substantial amount of money in the bank, but the town she lives in and wants to continue to live in is expensive. The money left is enough, just, to clear her debts and buy a modest 3 bed house outright. But she has chosen to move into an expensive rental, buy a 20k car and started booking holidays. She continues to ' work ' in her own, loss making business and has never attempted to get a real job so still can't raise a mortgage.

By our calculations, given what she has spent already she now won't have enough to buy anything. If she stays in her very nice rental for the next year she will have spent 18k on rent in a year and this will further scupper any chance she will have of buying a house for her and the kids.

My question is, does DP say anything or is it none of his business? It is his children's chance of a secure home and inheritance that is being jeopardised, then again, she is a grown woman so should he keep his mouth shut and let her make her own mistakes?

It is worth noting that she is both totally rubbish with money and obsessed with outward appearance- clothes, cars, to be seen to be doing well is very important to her.

Also SusanTheGentle what I was trying to get across is that although the ex-h may not have had the credit cards in his name, it is clear that he was financing them, therefore I don't think the ex-wife can be accused of profligacy if that was the lifestyle they had...he must have been paying the bills. That was all really. None of this is ever as clear cut as it seems unfortunately.

You are all aware that a man is crowd funding his Supreme Court speak against a rulings that he continues to support his ex-wife 20+ years after they separated on a "clean break" as she had burned through all the money and needed more. Circumstances exactly like the one from the OP. I will post the link if I could find it again.

Now do you think that the OP shouldn't be worried?

WiseDad It wasn't a clean break settlement.

You should have just varied the story slightly, OP. If you'd posted that your Ex-husband had been awarded money to house yours and his children, and then pissed that money up the wall, there would have been outrage, sympathy for you and support. But since it's an ex-wife, these twits are tying themselves in knots to justify it.

WiseD - I think it is vital to correct that - that man (if we both think of the same case) did NOT get a clean break. Instead he had been paying about £1k a month maintenance. It is for that reason his wife can come back later for more having unwisely invested her lump sum. Had instead he been earning enough to pay her off on a clean break (as I was able to afford to pay my husband off to get myself a clean break) his spouse would not be able to come back for more money later.

www.telegraph.co.uk/men/relationships/fighting-ex-wife-every-person-shafted-britains-divorce-courts/

It's amazing how people can fuck their own lives up so stupidly. Handed a house on a plate and spending the money on rent instead. What a moron.

BadLad No "twit" here...just trying to understand the actual story having been through the horrific mill myself. Also, I STILL maintain that this issue is not the concern of the OP. It really isn't. It's between the ex-h and the ex-w and it is up to him to seek legal advice and as I said previously, my advice to the OP is to protect her position. I certainly would not let him move in or tangle my finances. Lesson learned there!

TheFormidable did you not read the part where the OP said that the debts were run up after the marriage ended, in credit cards taken out by the ex-wife. The ex-husband was not servicing those debts. She wasn't either, clearly, because they became CC judgements against her. So yes I would say it's profligacy, because all bills were paid for her, including the mortgage and £1500 spending money. She didn't need to get a job to fund her normal living expenses, just additional spending. Surely as an adult, and not an ageing one by any means in your mid-40s, you need to be self-reliant to some extent. From threads I read on here, some families have to fund their entire living expenses on £1500 a month.
I think the OP's fears that her partner's future is threatened by further claims from his ex-wife are justified. I would be concerned in the OP's position too. Both for my DSC's future and for my own family's.

crimsonlake wrote, "As I once read no man is ever happy having his testicles removed through his wallet" So then up until you read that you thought men might enjoy it?

How on earth will the DH's future be threatened by his EX wife? Marriage,, court etc done and dusted.. It always amazes me how some people think their disapproval and projections amount to being some kind of legal advice life-changer.

If OP wants a thread full of disapproval about her DH's ex then thats easy to get on MN. Perhaps a feelgood thing. But aside from that there is absolutely no basis to even imply that OP or her DH have a say in how Ex spends her money, and they need to wind their neck in. Im pretty sure the children aren't starving and nor are they homeless, between themselves DH and his Ex can sort out their children, and last time I looked, children don't stay children forever they grow up and make their own way, and life decisons

OP you sound as if you are clutching at this woman and her situation - what for? You've got your man and marriage, sit down and enjoy it you can't control what other people do. Or is something missing in your marriage that you are so busy craning your neck re what the long gone ex is up to?

How do you know so much about her situation anyway? Because if your DH keeps on talking about her either due to mentionitis or wanting to scorn her, then thats not good is it..there are 2 people in your marriage not 3, and nothing you've said sounds really convincing re concern for the children.

Neither that this woman - who is no longer married to your DH - is somehow going to be hanging around his life forever and finding ways to claim money from him.. She sounds like she has moved on, and you should too

You may not approve of her life and decisions but its her life not yours.

Sorry I'm feeling a little judgemental here, and I do know money is important, but the way my mind is framing this the issue isn't the money per se it's the children. Forgetting the absolute financial lunacy of the ex- wife your husband needs to have a exit strategy in place for his dc. There needs to be a secure place with you they can go to if it all goes spectacularly tits up, and some sort of money squirrelled away should they aspire to further education.

I can understand why this is particularly frustrating for your dh to watch his hard work go up in smoke, but personally I'd be most concerned of the effect all this will have on his dc? Maybe you'll luck out and like the children of an alcoholic the dc will grow up very responsible, but I'd be worried about picking up bad spending habits and unhealthy attitudes towards money.

You can't correct this with addressing the ex-wife so probably best to get that out of your head now. He needs to be providing a stable happy example in contrast to the insane spending of their mother.

the OP said that the debts were run up after the marriage ended,

The OP, who has her own account of the marriage second hand from the DP. In fact she said the money was spent on a holiday before they were divorced. If they previously lived an expensive lifestyle this could be a normal holiday for the kids.

People keep saying he paid 'her' bills. He didn't. The family income was used to pay the family bills. The 1500 wasn't 'spending money' it was the housekeeping, sundry household stuff as well as her discretionary spending.

And she didn't refuse to work she started up a business which apparently has not been successful but that isn't refusal to work.

The wife may be the ex from hell so beloved of the tabloids. Or she could be like my charming ex relative's wife up thread. Either way I agree with the PP who advised the OP to protect her own assets and children.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If the money was given to her go to buy a home for the children than your partner has every right to want this to happen.

Not your monkeys
Not your circus

I haven't read the full thread but am a step parent with a do who had a global maintenance order (although joint lives unlike yours).
Two things to say:

1. this is absolutely your business as your step children need to be housed.
2. see a solicitor. Random people on the internet don't substitute for legal advice. It's my understanding that a maintenance order can be varied by either party the fact that it's general means that you're not just responsible for maintaining the children. So, I think (and I may be wrong as i don't have any legal training or experience) that if all the money goes your DP may be asked to make up the shortfall.

IF the children were only toddlers I would say yes you could be worried as her lifestyle cannot be maintained (if what you is true) and might have an impact on you if the dc do not have a stable home. But as the youngest is already 15, maybe the ex-wife's choice to rent is not the end of the world.

My exh thinks he has a say in how I should spend the money post-divorce. He stopped me buying one home (deliberately held up the house sale,) didn't like me renting and he didn't like the house I bought or the area I bought in or the size of the garden etc etc.

Not the same situation as yours as my ex pays not a penny towards his children and never will. However IT IS NONE OF HIS BUSINESS and his constant complaining via the children causes a lot of distress to us.

MistressDeeCee, I totally disagree with you. Sounds like the OP has concerns for both her DSC and her DH. I've no idea why you are trying to belittle that concern by suggesting that she obsessing over the Ex wife. Nothing she said suggests she has any interest in this Ex wife, other than actions that could affect her, her DSC and her DH in the future, which is not unreasonable. Maybe you are projecting something here.

Not your monkeys
Not your circus

Ah well, it couldn't last. And I think it's the other way around.

Daydreamerbynight

Your disagreeing isn't grounded in reality. Im a practical person - you can tie yourself into knots over something you can do nothing about in this life, and end up letting it blight you. Or you can accept the situation, that you can do nothing about it, and get on with living

Presumably the man sees and interacts with his children, he can be their balance. He's their dad. You haven't grasped that there's no law covering 'disagreement with how another person spends their money can I get it looked into and controlled please'.

As said before, a thread full of the ex is a bitch/waster etc may soothe OP...but in the cold light of day and real life, it matters not a jot because she has no input into how another spends their money and 'what if in the future'. Going after the ex is going to achieve what, exactly?

All these men who have demonic ex wives that they somehow, with their saintly and innocent and good and unaware selves, happened to marry and make the mother of their children.

Im not one for 'one side of the story is the truth anyway'

Much prefer being realistic

OP please heed the warnings and protect your own finances.

These children are forever their father's children and as such will have a claim on his 'help'. Even when they are middle aged.Would your DP see his ex wife homeless?

You would not be the first to be 'cleaned out'.

Ignore the stupid nasty comments aimed at you and follow your good instincts.

I'd seek legal advice for your own financial position too OP and ring fence as much of your own assets for yourself as possible . If you're married you may wish to enquire how you and your DH assets might be allocated if you split up . His maintenance of his spouse may not end when the money runs out and the kids have left home eg if she's unable to work through mental health issues ( excess spending can be a sign of that and notwithstanding the tabloids selective reporting some ex wives have gone back to court when the money runs out successfully arguing for more ) . If you two can live comfortably on your salary/assets with a lower contribution from him then a proportion of his assets will be used to support her rather than the state and taxpayer funding the bill - simple economics . Good luck - protect yourself and your family and any stepchildren who may also need a financial helping hand in the future and seek legal advice for the ' what ifs ' - forewarned is forarmed

Sadly, it is your business. If she runs out of money she can go back to the courts and ask your husband for more. I have no idea how you can stop this happening, but I suggest your husband consult a solicitor. MY husband was in a similar situation - ex got most of the assets and then managed them frivolously. Her youngest child is 23, none of her kids have lived with her for five years (two of them live full time with us, though) and she has two professional qualifications that would allow her to support herself. But somehow my husband is still paying a great deal of maintenance for her, and will apparently have to do so indefinitely, because his lawyer did not put clauses in at the time of the divorce to specify what his responsibilities to her would be as the children grew up. Make a plan now.

In a way I agree with some about it being none of your business. However I thought you said that the Judge had awarded her the money to buy a house for the children so that they are secure....her wasting the money is not making the children secure and someone will need to pay for the kids if they are under 18, is this then going to fall back on your DP. Would it be worth seeking legal advice?

Sounds like she's in denial. Up to her what she does with the cash really.

I'd be interested to know what the asset split was. She (ex) has no claim on his (high earner's) pension which I am guessing may be of a similar value to the equity in the property or possibly more. That may be why the ex was awarded all the equity in the home.

The fact that you (the OP) feel she got a better deal than you did in their divorce should not be considered.

The reality is that the maintenance stops in 3 year's time as it is a finite order.

If she were to apply prior to the order expiring her capital etc would be taken into account and your DP would be able to make representations if she has frittered the money away as to why she should not get anything post the youngest being 18. Is the global figure just CM or does it specify spousal maintenance. If it does not specify spousal then she cannot go back for more.

She may be chosing to live in a rented property so the kids can finish their schooling before moving to a cheaper area when they have finished school and this spending £54K on rent over 3 years on a nice family home for her family may be her priority now leaving her with sufficient capital to rehouse herself in a smaller property or a less affluent area later (or she may be spending the lot on crap!)

We don't know because OP hasn't told us the sums involved.