Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's ex wife spending divorce proceedings like water

269 replies

TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville · 19/09/2017 18:03

Back story.. after a very long and protracted divorce (drawn out by the ex wife) and huge legal bills, my DP's ex was awarded, reluctantly by the judge ALL of the proceeds of sale of the marital home. This was in order for her to clear her CC debts she had run up and buy a house outright for her and their two children. The ex has made no effort to get a job in the 4 years since they had separated (despite the chiidrrn being in their teens) so had no mortgage raising capacity whatsoever. Although the judge criticised her for this, the priority was housing he children, and rightly so. DP kept his pension but nothing 'liquid'.

I don't have an issue with the ruling, however the marital home has finally sold, almost 18 months after the divorce was finalised, she has a substantial amount of money in the bank, but the town she lives in and wants to continue to live in is expensive. The money left is enough, just, to clear her debts and buy a modest 3 bed house outright. But she has chosen to move into an expensive rental, buy a 20k car and started booking holidays. She continues to ' work ' in her own, loss making business and has never attempted to get a real job so still can't raise a mortgage.

By our calculations, given what she has spent already she now won't have enough to buy anything. If she stays in her very nice rental for the next year she will have spent 18k on rent in a year and this will further scupper any chance she will have of buying a house for her and the kids.

My question is, does DP say anything or is it none of his business? It is his children's chance of a secure home and inheritance that is being jeopardised, then again, she is a grown woman so should he keep his mouth shut and let her make her own mistakes?

It is worth noting that she is both totally rubbish with money and obsessed with outward appearance- clothes, cars, to be seen to be doing well is very important to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville · 19/09/2017 20:21

No. I am not repeating what my DP has said. I have read the court order myself and read the judges' ruling and she was very critical of the ex not getting a job, said she has to be earning her own money and that this 'could no longer wait'. I was a SAHM too until my ex and I split and I have gone back to work and my kids are considerably younger than hers. Every single woman I know in the same situation (unless their kids are very young) have done the same. So yes, I do think she is lazy.

OP posts:
user327854831 · 19/09/2017 20:22

And? It's got nothing to do with anybody except her and you certainly should not be posting it on here.

Original poster
TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville · 19/09/2017 20:23

No, she has global maintenance until youngest is 18.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/09/2017 20:25

It's got nothing to do with anybody except her

Actually it has.

thegirlupnorth · 19/09/2017 20:25

Unless the court order specifies how she spends the settlement there isn't a lot that can be done. What she is doing is immorally wrong and careless but probably within her rights.

I'd get DP to seek legal advise though just so that you can be reassured she's not going to come back when the money runs out.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/09/2017 20:26

tell her how to spend her money now, as long as you're prepared for her to have a say how your husband spends his pension in retirement.

Not the same though is It? Her DP needs to protect himself from her trying to vary the order in the future.

Original poster
TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville · 19/09/2017 20:28

No he did not state his housing needs were to be met by me. He was in a rented flat, the judgement was 18 months ago and we were not ready to discuss cohabitation. We are now, and plan on him moving in early next year.

OP posts:
Oldie2017 · 19/09/2017 20:31

Sounds like he made the right decision to divorce this loser spend spend spend woman! However in law it looks like the Order allows her to spend the money as she chooses unfortunately. Thankfully my ex who got most of my money on our divorce is like me - neither of us spend much except on stuff like school fees and in fact his new will says his and his new wife's new wills say they each leave their estaet to their own children not each other which I am pleased about as it basically means my children get back my money whcih their father got on our divorce and they would have inherited it anyway had we stayed married. Of course he could change that at any time and may need his estate/house for his long term care or we might all die before he does including his children.

There was a case where an ex wife made stupid investments, lost the lot and successfully came back for more. My advice to people is never ever marry a spouse who will ever give up full time work whatever their gender. Root out those rare people who will always work full time and are hard workers and savers.

Sunisshining12 · 19/09/2017 20:33

I haven't read through all the replies, got about half way down and it left a bad taste in my mouth.

The way some of you speak to one another is actually shocking. So so rude & unpleasant.

Whether you agree with the OP or not, there's no need to be so rude & spiteful. Actually shocks me that some of you in particular are Mothers.

Earlybird · 19/09/2017 20:38

You and your dp are right to be concerned. But, you can't control her. It sounds as if she can't control herself, tbh. Impulsive, immature, unrealistic, etc.

If the dc are 15 and 17, I would surmise that she'll be able to pay rent (even at a high rate) until the youngest is 18, so the dc should (probably) have a secure home until then. The person who will have an insecure future will be the ex-wife who doesn't seem to understand money (other than spending it), and planning for the future.

I'm sure it is infuriating and upsetting, but I don't imagine you can do anything about her poor decision making. She'll have a good long time to regret her poor choices, but by that time, your dp's children will be living independently.

LadyLapsang · 19/09/2017 20:54

OP, I think you are a bit harsh calling her lazy and comparing her situation to your own. I'm guessing she is older than you and has been out of the workplace for much, much longer. The workplace is often not the fairest place for women in their 50s and 60s, just look at the gender pay gap for older workers, and that will include those of us that have always worked. For those that have been out for a considerable time, it is likely to be much more difficult. If she hasn't a profession to return to, there will also be the loss of social status from being a middle class SAHM to lone parent worker.

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/09/2017 20:59

I agree with you LadyLapsang. Her settlement reflects that entirely.

crimsonlake · 19/09/2017 20:59

Judges dont word orders like that, they may have in their summing up...Have you obtained a court transcript of the entire hearing which comes at a great cost or the final judgement.
As already said on here sm orders are getting rarer especially joint lives ones. Again were both parties represented ? Does your partner pay cm?
You are getting your version of the ex's spending habits from your ex, again there are always 2 sides to every story. As I once read no man is ever happy having his testicles removed through his wallet.

Original poster
TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville · 19/09/2017 20:59

She's exactly the same age as me as has been a SAHM for the same amount of time. Our previous married lives have many parallels. Both gave up work to be SAHM, both married to high earners. I had to take a pretty menial job when ex husband left. Have a (slightly) better one now. That's life and adjusting to the realities of divorce.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville · 19/09/2017 21:02

And we are both mid 40s. She is bright, personable and able. Why on earth shouldn't she work?

OP posts:
Original poster
TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville · 19/09/2017 21:04

For the last time ... (I hope!) she has global maintenance payments which end when her youngest is 18, NOT joint lives.

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 19/09/2017 21:08

Maybe she is investing her settlement to find a new high-earning partner rather than a job.

Lanaorana2 · 19/09/2017 21:11

Thank goodness for that. OP, a lot of the women on here are terrified their husbands might stop piggybacking them through their little lives, ignore the snarks.

Don't marry DP; do see a lawyer. I suspect you will have to fund his children post-18.

scrabbler3 · 19/09/2017 21:15

She should definitely be working now, but she probably (rightly) thinks the kind of roles she will get after so long as a SAHM will be menial so she's running a rubbish business instead. Pyramid selling or the like, maybe. I can understand why "bright" (your word) women end up doing that rather than stacking shelves.

She will pull herself together when she has no other option. Your DH should double check with his solicitor that she can't come back for more money.

You sound like a good stepmother. I'm sure the children will be ok one way or the other. That's the main thing.

IdaDown · 19/09/2017 21:41

I'd book a solicitor meeting to discuss the ramifications of your DP moving in with you.

Peanutbutterrules · 19/09/2017 21:59

Ida is right - make sure you are aware of what could happen when your DP moves in. I get how you feel about ex not working - been there, felt that - but really you will be much happier once you stop letting her get into your head. Just get the facts, make sure your finances are protected until their settlement finishes and let her live her life as she sees fit without getting emotionally involved.

Original poster
TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville · 19/09/2017 22:08

Thanks all xx

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 19/09/2017 22:17

How likely is it that she will burn through it all in less than 3 years?

If she doesnt run out until the youngest is 18 then not your problem if all child/spousal support ends then although I would want to get the legal equivalent of a second opinion on that just to be sure.

However it could be a problem if she spunks it in the next year (say) in which case it might be worth a chat with a solicitor to discuss the likelihood of extra maintenance being awarded given the size of her settlement, and especially if you would be offering his kids a home if her main argument would be housing them.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/09/2017 22:28

I cant help wondering though if there is more to this than clearing her CC debts and if your DP has been entirely honest. It could be for example that her CC debt was proven to be for the family, or that he had a card on her account that he conributed to the debt on. You simply dont know for sure, all you have is what he has told you.

As MrsC said, 100% settlements are very rare so I wonder if there is something that you dont know about all this.

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/09/2017 22:37

Given the OP has confirmed that it is not joint lives, then I would suggest at mid-40's with mid-teen children, the ex-wife is indeed expected to work at some point in the near-ish future. However, that is entirely up to her and how she manages her finances. Judges do not do things "reluctantly", I am surprised that that term has been used. They make judgements in fairness to both parties unless (such as my case) there has been a very clear demonstration of financial abuse/mis-management which is why my ex-husband walked away with exactly zero. OP, at the moment, the pressing point is not what the ex-wife is doing. The pressing point is that this man is about to move into your home. Do not put him on the deeds, have a financial agreement drawn up. It is up to you to protect your children's position and inheritance. I gather from your age that you quote, you are not going to have children. So don't marry him either. As far as I can see, the financial "hit" to the ex-husband is very short lived. He clearly has a chance to rebuild his assets and has kept his pension intact. I wouldn't like to comment on what the x-wife's plans are. She may well have plans. This situation may not be as it seems. At the moment, however, I would be seeking to secure your position rather than worrying about what she may or may not be doing. I speak as a divorced person and also as somebody who now wouldn't put myself in the ludicrous position of financial dependence ever again.