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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop MIL inviting herself here?

83 replies

smallmercys · 19/09/2017 11:42

MIL is now on her own and even though she has a house 2 hrs from us with guest room, MIL has decided she wants to make extended stays with different family members. She has no car and her DD, who lives near to us - DH's DS and my SIL, will have a newborn soon. SIL and her OH will have no guest room when LO arrives and ideally they don't want her staying at that time.

Ok we have space, and she thinks its more comfortable and convenient, but I think I will want to kill MIL if she stays here. MIL has a history of malicious gossip and snooping and she will try to get in here by only talking to DH - who will feel obliged because of his DS. DH and I have talked about it but did not really agree and left it undecided because I hate even talking about the subject. If this kind of visit happens even if we went away she would stay as long as she wanted and will search the house from top to bottom whenever we are out.

MIL would also get the house keys copied for herself which will mean changing three sets of locks yet again after she goes. We have stuff in the house which is confidential to our business, she will go through anything she likes given the chance on the pretext of 'cleaning'.
The risk of me thinking of murder comes from her total lack of respect or boundaries with anyone.

I'm always uncomfortable around her because I can't trust her and want to find a way to put her off trying to get herself in here. Even if she was in a B&B she would be round ours each morning before breakfast scrubbing the (fairly clean) skirting boards or something Confused

AIBU in trying to find some kind of an alternative?

OP posts:
44PumpLane · 19/09/2017 11:51

YANBU that sounds hellish!

I have no practical advice other than to say no and tell DH no giving all the reasons you havebjust given. However if he wants his DM to stay then perhaps you will need to invest in some internal locks for the bedroom doors so that you can lock a couple rooms where anything private lives- not ideal but may be an okay compromise that would save you having to change a load of locks if she did stay.

Plus if she stays don't give her a key to any door. Arrange times for her to be let in and leave if she can't be trusted not to get a key cut?

DancesWithOtters · 19/09/2017 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DancesWithOtters · 19/09/2017 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 19/09/2017 11:56

I'd say if she is allowed to come and stay, put a lock on the office door to protect private work.
Don't give her keys, so be there when she get's in.
Plant in your bedside drawers the paperwork for an application to emigrate to Australia/Africa/New Zealand/ anywhere you fancy. and a mahoosive dildo.

SherbertLemon2011 · 19/09/2017 11:56

You and dh need to talk now and agree she is not staying and agree with dh some things to say when she approaches the subject. You need to do this NOW because otherwise mil will call and because nothing has been agreed with you and dh he will be unprepared and railroaded into saying yes.

I know it's something you don't like talking about but you need to agree with dh because otherwise he could quite rightly say that you hadn't definitely agreed on her not coming.

Also if she is in a b and b make it clear what time she can come or see you I. E. Not early to clean skirting boards. If she doesn't have a key don't let her in until the agreed time. Maybe you didn't hear the door because you were in the shower if she comes early.

RibenaMonsoon · 19/09/2017 11:58

Someone once had a thread on here about a similar thing. They printed out some immigration papers for Australia and left them in a drawer for MIL to find while snooping cleaning. Sounds to me like you could have some fun there Wink
Is it worth getting a small safe or locking a cupboard to put your confidential documents in? At least those will be sage then.

TishHope · 19/09/2017 11:58

Could you buy a safe and lock everything of value in it while she's there? You have my sympathy, I hate unboundaried nosy people.
Or leave little messages in drawers for her to stumble across, eg 'fuck off you nosy cow' - she could hardly admit she had found it.
Or, stand your ground and absolutely refuse to let her stay. But your DH might stand his ground right back :(

TheNaze73 · 19/09/2017 11:58

That sounds horrific

SherbertLemon2011 · 19/09/2017 11:58

Ahh I see that others are nicer than me and advise letting her stay. If you do then you and dh need to agree firm boundaries. Good luck 🍀

TishHope · 19/09/2017 11:59

crossed posts, Ribena :)

SexLubeAndAFishSlice · 19/09/2017 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
smallmercys · 19/09/2017 12:07

You need to do this NOW because otherwise mil will call and because nothing has been agreed with you and dh he will be unprepared and railroaded into saying yes.

Sherbert you make a really good point there. My blood it already running cold at the thought that this might have already happened!

OP posts:
ChocolatePHD · 19/09/2017 12:10

No way would I have her staying with me, she sounds dreadful with no respect for others space.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/09/2017 12:11

My mother likes to snoop. Not that badly though. It's incredibly rude and sending the message she is superior due to seniority.

Your need to not have your mil in your home does not trump either you dh's need or her want to stay with you.

On another note, the baby will be sleeping with the new parents probably for 6 months. So they do have room. It will probably mean she's staying in amongst the baby stuff though. I expect the new parents won't want her staying for protracted periods. However, you being the solution to their problem is unacceptable.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/09/2017 12:12

MIL would also get the house keys copied for herself which will mean changing three sets of locks yet again after she goes

"yet again" ? Does this mean she's done it before and without asking first? If so, then I'm afraid your DH needs to be having some pretty serious words; for me that would be completely unacceptable

From the sound of things it might be easier to simply say no or just keep putting her off until the penny drops, then still see her by visiting yourselves if you want to. Failing that, I definitely second the idea of leaving emigration papers around Grin

gnushoes · 19/09/2017 12:16

Our house keys are done in a special way which means they can only be copied at a particular shop which has the signature of those who are allowed to authorise it (me and dh). Might be worth getting your keys finally changed over to that system so if she ever gets hold of a key she can't get a copy, end of.
Fitting internal locks would be a real pain :(
Padlocks might be quicker and easier and also send a message.

echt · 19/09/2017 12:16

OP, your OP is full of "will" on the part of your MIL. What has she actually done to make you believe she will do all the things you imagine she will?

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 19/09/2017 12:16

Get some internal cctv and tell her its there. May stop the snooping when she visits. . .
Your spare room needs to be inhabited with something quick smart. . Pet rats maybe??

CoraPirbright · 19/09/2017 12:20

Sounds to me like you could have some fun there

Totally!! Here's what you do:

  1. buy a small, cheap wall mounted cabinet
  2. fill it with marbles, close the door then mount to the wall
  3. tell her you have private papers in there
  4. watch the mortification when she has to explain that she went into your private cupboard and that there are now marbles all over the floor and she has absolutely no way of covering her nosey tracks.
Original poster
smallmercys · 19/09/2017 12:21

echt - 'Will' because she's done so in the past. It's what she does every time.

Mummy SIL has already suggested DH that MIL come to us Confused

Gnu thanks for this information, very useful.

OP posts:
RhiannonOHara · 19/09/2017 12:22

she would stay as long as she wanted and will search the house from top to bottom whenever we are out.

MIL would also get the house keys copied for herself

We have stuff in the house which is confidential to our business, she will go through anything she likes given the chance on the pretext of 'cleaning'.

Even if she was in a B&B she would be round ours each morning before breakfast scrubbing the (fairly clean) skirting boards or something

Several good reasons not to have an individual in your house.

Seriously, why do people put up with this kind of shit? Getting keys copied is in itself unacceptable, without even starting on the other stuff.

Tell your DH to tell her she is not welcome, and precisely why.

Ninabean17 · 19/09/2017 12:22

That sounds awful. Do you really need to give her a key? Or could you lock internal doors to keep paperwork etc private?

echt · 19/09/2017 12:25

echt - 'Will' because she's done so in the past. It's what she does every time
Not at all. It's all cast in future based on no evidence given by the OP.

SocMcDuffin · 19/09/2017 12:26

SIL was sneaky to pass the buck but I can't really blame her. I can't say I'd relish an interfering snoop when I'm up to my eyeballs in cluster feeding and nappies.

I'd recommend getting your locks sorted with the restricted keys. and while you are at it do one for an internal room (office?) that you lock too the same way. All sensitive stuff can go in that room.

But you do need to coach your DH on how to say no.

echt · 19/09/2017 12:32

SIL was sneaky to pass the buck but I can't really blame her.

How has SIL passed the buck? She will have a new baby and no guest room.