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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop MIL inviting herself here?

83 replies

smallmercys · 19/09/2017 11:42

MIL is now on her own and even though she has a house 2 hrs from us with guest room, MIL has decided she wants to make extended stays with different family members. She has no car and her DD, who lives near to us - DH's DS and my SIL, will have a newborn soon. SIL and her OH will have no guest room when LO arrives and ideally they don't want her staying at that time.

Ok we have space, and she thinks its more comfortable and convenient, but I think I will want to kill MIL if she stays here. MIL has a history of malicious gossip and snooping and she will try to get in here by only talking to DH - who will feel obliged because of his DS. DH and I have talked about it but did not really agree and left it undecided because I hate even talking about the subject. If this kind of visit happens even if we went away she would stay as long as she wanted and will search the house from top to bottom whenever we are out.

MIL would also get the house keys copied for herself which will mean changing three sets of locks yet again after she goes. We have stuff in the house which is confidential to our business, she will go through anything she likes given the chance on the pretext of 'cleaning'.
The risk of me thinking of murder comes from her total lack of respect or boundaries with anyone.

I'm always uncomfortable around her because I can't trust her and want to find a way to put her off trying to get herself in here. Even if she was in a B&B she would be round ours each morning before breakfast scrubbing the (fairly clean) skirting boards or something Confused

AIBU in trying to find some kind of an alternative?

OP posts:
GemmaCollinsBabes · 19/09/2017 14:49

Are his other relatives like this? Does no one else challenge her?

This needs to stop and it needs to stop now.

I would text your SIL with the following

"I understand why you recommended your mother stay with us when the baby arrives but due to her rude and intrusive behaviour when she has stayed in the past, this will be impossible. I recommend xyz hotel, which as you know is nearby and we are happy to help with lifts to the hospital or to you at times which suit all of us. Do you need a hand with anything before the baby arrives? We can't wait to meet the little one."

Then to MIL

"I understand SIL suggested you stay with us when her baby arrives and I can understand why she would suggest it. However where you stay is between you and her, our house will be unavailable to you because you a.) put our business at risk by accessing and discussing private files and b.) invaliadated out insurance by making copies of our keys.
I will never again accept this behaviour in my home.
If you would like to visit when you are in the area you will be welcome for breakfast on Saturday and Sunday strictly 9-11 and Friday evening for supper 6.30-9.30.

We will not engage further in discussion about this matter."

RhiannonOHara · 19/09/2017 14:52

Good one, Gemma.

BenLui · 19/09/2017 15:02

Putting a lock on our study door was the best thing we ever did.

Just saying...

NerrSnerr · 19/09/2017 15:43

Why does she have access to keys to get them copied? We had to stop family members visiting as it was just too much of a pain. Could you tell them your spare room is now a gym, office, playroom (and then lock it so they can't check!)

Nikephorus · 19/09/2017 15:54

"So sorry MIL but we have a friend coming to stay that week / month / year so the spare room will be occupied. I've heard good things about x hotel though & I'm emailing you the link so that you can have a look for yourself and book yourself a room in plenty of time"

SilverySurfer · 19/09/2017 15:59

Presumably there's a nice, cosy bed in your spare bedroom - put it into storage, turn the room into an office/hobby room/play room and buy an inflatable bed or better yet a futon (most uncomfortable thing ever).

Hissy · 19/09/2017 16:29

The best method with people like MIL is the truth. it comes as a refreshing shock to them. often renders them speechless.

win/win

mummmy2017 · 19/09/2017 16:46

Could you afford to book her into a B&B for her stay, and tell her it's a nice surprise for her.
Then tell her your working and won't be home, so will meet her for a few meals while she is here, but you know she will want to spend most of her time with her DD.

Fluffyears · 19/09/2017 17:41

My friend boobytrapoed her paperwork with glitter inside letters so when I folded it went everywhere and also between sheets of paper on desk and in drawers. She then removed the fuse from the hoover plug...

BenLui · 19/09/2017 19:52

Fluffy hmmm what an interesting idea.... Grin

namechangedforthisreply · 19/09/2017 20:06

Fluffyears genius Smile

Original poster
smallmercys · 19/09/2017 20:31

Fluffy I like your thinking!

I am massively torn between the fantastic booby trap ideas and confronting as Hissy suggests. Win/win would be my dream. Grin

Copying the keys would be a doddle for MIL if I am at work and leave her the keys so that she can come and go. Not sure how to avoid that happening?

OP posts:
NewBrian · 19/09/2017 20:41

I thought I was the only person that had experienced the hell of a MIL who would search your house from top the bottom. Mine once managed to find my vibrator that was hidden at the bottom of a very full washing basket in my bedroom Hmm

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/09/2017 20:56

Fluffyears what were you doing?

ToadsforJustice · 19/09/2017 20:58

When you leave for work, turf MIL out for the day. Give her a map and a list of places to visit. Let her know the best time for her to return. Say 6pm.

Hissy · 19/09/2017 21:02

You don't have to have your mil there!

How old are you? Under 40? H? Same?

BillBrysonsBeard · 19/09/2017 21:02

She sounds like mine... lovely woman but likes to sort my dirty underwear and clean under my toilet. Hmm

CockacidalManiac · 19/09/2017 21:05

Give her a copy of King Lear and then let her think about whether staying with her kids for long periods of time is really a good idea.

She'll maintain that she's more sinned against than sinning.

user1497997754 · 19/09/2017 21:18

I don't understand what your problem is....it's your life and house....just tell her NO its not going to be okay for her to stay just like that....just say it as it is....no cameras, no special keys or whatever...normal people would just be honest and upfront NO pure and simple...grow a pair and tell her sooner rather than later your DH sounds like a real wet blanket can't he stand up to her....

Original poster
smallmercys · 19/09/2017 21:26

Bill sadly 'lovely' wouldn't be my first choice of adjective for MIL. 'Vampirical' would be. I may have made that word up.

Throwing her out for the day...so tempting, Grin but in truth she just does what she wants. I can see her refusing and have 100 reasons ready to say why.

I really need a masterplan, a foolproof drop dead way of nipping this shit in the bud. Sorry to those of you with delicate ears but this is an emergency.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/09/2017 21:28

Why is it such a big problem to say she can't stay? Tantrums?

Doramaybe · 19/09/2017 21:30

If she must stay with you, keep it simple.

Invest in a locked internal door for your bedroom or another unused room/study. Lob everything of a private and personal nature in there for the duration. Sorted.

I wouldn't mind her cleaning. But if there's nothing of a snoopy nature to find, the problem is lessened.

I would just let her copy the key and just change the barrel. Very simple to do and doesn't cost much. Only the one key to her, the one where you can change the barrel yourselves.

Get that internal door lock pronto though, it is so simple and you have your personal stuff away!

Hissy · 19/09/2017 21:31

Just say No!

It's honestly that easy!!

What happens after you've said a completely legitimate no is HER choice

woodhill · 19/09/2017 21:38

What happened to her spouse?

DartmoorDoughnut · 19/09/2017 21:45

She's only 2hrs away just let her day trip it?!