Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To stop MIL inviting herself here?

83 replies

smallmercys · 19/09/2017 11:42

MIL is now on her own and even though she has a house 2 hrs from us with guest room, MIL has decided she wants to make extended stays with different family members. She has no car and her DD, who lives near to us - DH's DS and my SIL, will have a newborn soon. SIL and her OH will have no guest room when LO arrives and ideally they don't want her staying at that time.

Ok we have space, and she thinks its more comfortable and convenient, but I think I will want to kill MIL if she stays here. MIL has a history of malicious gossip and snooping and she will try to get in here by only talking to DH - who will feel obliged because of his DS. DH and I have talked about it but did not really agree and left it undecided because I hate even talking about the subject. If this kind of visit happens even if we went away she would stay as long as she wanted and will search the house from top to bottom whenever we are out.

MIL would also get the house keys copied for herself which will mean changing three sets of locks yet again after she goes. We have stuff in the house which is confidential to our business, she will go through anything she likes given the chance on the pretext of 'cleaning'.
The risk of me thinking of murder comes from her total lack of respect or boundaries with anyone.

I'm always uncomfortable around her because I can't trust her and want to find a way to put her off trying to get herself in here. Even if she was in a B&B she would be round ours each morning before breakfast scrubbing the (fairly clean) skirting boards or something

AIBU in trying to find some kind of an alternative?

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/09/2017 12:32

We have just changed to lock barrels where you can't copy keys without the special code. They're much less vulnerable to snapping.

I think I probably would have her to stay (through gritted teeth) but would say that you absolutely do not want her to clean/tidy or do anything more than put her breakfast dishes in the dishwasher. If she does you will be upset and offended and you will ask her to go home and not come back. I don't think she needs to come for a week though. For a 2 hour trip a night or two should be ample.

TheFaerieQueene · 19/09/2017 12:33

If you are in the UK Banham locks are non copy able. We have them 😆

BookingDotComAreTwats · 19/09/2017 12:33

Our house keys are done in a special way which means they can only be copied at a particular shop which has the signature of those who are allowed to authorise it (me and dh)
We have this too - it's expensive but much better when you have to give keys to a MIL who doesn't understand boundaries.

SocMcDuffin · 19/09/2017 12:37

How has SIL passed the buck? She will have a new baby and no guest room.

MIL is coming to visit for the baby. The OP says that SIL will have no guest room when the baby arrives. I take that to mean that they have a 2-bed place and are planning on using their old guest room as their new baby's room. So if there are 2 rooms, then there is room, just perhaps not a bed for MIL any more. There is also a living room presumably so likely a sofa that could be slept on too.

Perhaps I have misread the OP though.

guilty100 · 19/09/2017 12:39

Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying "No". NO, NO, NO.

Your DH really needs to step up and set some boundaries here. Those boundaries probably involve some kind of compromise. A short visit of a few days is pretty difficult to avoid in these cases, but longer visits are out of the question. Once you're singing from the same hymnsheet, you'll find your anxiety about your MIL decreases quite a bit.

You might want to invest in some lockable filing cabinets for your business and financial documents. And a non-copyable key.

Ropsleybunny · 19/09/2017 12:41

If you want to kill your MIL, if she stays with you and I fully understand then just say no. Tell your DH it's a big fat no from you and make sure this one isn't up for compromise.

gingergenius · 19/09/2017 12:42

Echt- why are you questioning the OPs account of she feels is likely to happen, based on past experience? The OP knows her MIL better than anyone here so it's probably better to accept the information that has been given rather than sleuthing your way to the 'truth' as you see it! Sorry OP. My ex MIL was similar. Tell DH to say she's not welcome based on past history.

dinosaursandtea · 19/09/2017 12:43

Give her a copy of King Lear and then let her think about whether staying with her kids for long periods of time is really a good idea.

SexLubeAndAFishSlice · 19/09/2017 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 19/09/2017 12:57

Dildo's ... dildos everywhere

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/09/2017 12:57

Your sil had no right to suggest your mil come and stay with you. Good at passing the buck, isn't she? . Where will the baby sleep?! As I said, it's unlikely to be in the second bedroom. Now if you say no, you're going to look awkward, aren't you? Well you bloody look awkward and make clear sil had no right. I'd have her to stay for a few nights and that's it. Anything more, mil can find a place to sleep at their house or elsewhere.

Catinthecorner · 19/09/2017 12:59

Personally I would just say no to having her stay.

But I'd really like you to set up internal cctv, do the marble cupboard and share the resulting video with us

Ttbb · 19/09/2017 13:02

Can't you turn your spare room into an office and tell her that you have no room?

KimmySchmidt1 · 19/09/2017 13:09

i know its hard, but why dont you just confront her about it? all these secrets and lies don't help anyone. If you just told her you know she snoops and spreads gossip and it makes you mistrustful of her, so she can only stay if she really changes her behaviour, she will be mortified at herself and that everyone else knows about it, and will probably sulk a while, but it will at least mean you have explained to her why she is so unpopular. If you don't get it out in the open she will continue the behaviour and continue to make up reasons why you don't like her.

PeaPodPopper · 19/09/2017 13:09

Would you allow a burglar to walk into your house - because in effect, even though she isn't there to steal, the effect it has on you of having your property rifled through by her is the same - it's sickening.

No way, just NO WAY would she get to do this in my home. Tell your DH he has to tell her a big fat NO. She can stop in a hotel/B&B/tent or whatever, and meet her on designated days at designated times.

As she's behaving like an intruder (not a guest) then keep her out - and I would tell her why!

DancesWithOtters · 19/09/2017 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 19/09/2017 13:14

Padlocks might be quicker and easier and also send a message

a clearer message is "No MIL, you abuse our trust when you stay, so we've decided to refuse requests to stay, you will have to find somewhere else"

STOP pussy footing about! her son l knows the issue, he needs to man up and stand up to his mother!

Or... You get in there quick and tell her that you are not having her to stay and why.

It's the truth isnt; it? she can't deny she's done all these things

swilkie1981 · 19/09/2017 13:20

If she does come to stay then invest in some Canary indoor security cameras! They'll capture her snooping live in action lol and stream the video to your mobile :-D - easy to pull her up on it then! Good luck as it does sound a very difficult situation to be in.....

Hissy · 19/09/2017 13:34

message to MIL:

Dear MIL,

I hear that you a stay at our house has been raised. Just wanted to head this off at the pass and say that we'll not be able to host you here.

You're welcome to stay nearby and come over, but these will be at convenient times to us and agreed in advance.

The reason for this is that in the past we have had to change locks repeatedly after you made copies, you have snooped and pried in private correspondence and there has been malicious gossip circulated which can only have come from you.

It is tragic that it has to come to this, but I will not allow my hospitality to be abused or privacy invaded.

Kind regards
smallmercys

DancesWithOtters · 19/09/2017 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShesNoNormanPace · 19/09/2017 13:44

Of course she can stay, once you have-

put Banham locks on the external doors
got internal locks on your office and bedroom doors

-hidden the hoover

booby trapped all cupboards with confetti/glitter/marbles

-placed sex toys and immigration visa forms in all drawers -laced the house with recording CCTV so you can watch all of the above unfolding

Winteriscomingneedmorewood · 19/09/2017 14:17

Inside every cupboard stick a note.
Fuck off you nosey bint - step away form the cupboard. .
She is hardly going to mention them!!

Hissy · 19/09/2017 14:39

Or SMILE you're on FACEBOOK LIVE....

disinheritingyourchildren · 19/09/2017 14:41

Book a 3 week holiday for around the time sil is due

Mittens1969 · 19/09/2017 14:42

I don't understand why she would have to have a house key anyway? Neither DM nor MIL have keys to our house! My MIL does stay for a few days, though, and I find it stressful because she's very nosey, asks far too many questions.

I would refuse to have your MIL stay tbh, if she snoops around the house. No house key and she should stay at a premier inn.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread