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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To throw out my 19 year old son?

52 replies

WhatsItDoing · 18/09/2017 18:45

Hello, I'm really hoping for advice on this. My son became disrespectful and a bit of a handful but nothing major in high school. Since then it's been mostly downhill, he's stolen from me (hundreds from my bank at one point after watching me key in my pin over my shoulder), his little siblings know they have to hide their money including birthday money etc or he will take it (they've learnt from experience). He still regularly steals from his dads car and wallet. He breaks things when he's angry and has no respect for our rules. He smokes in the house, comes in and out when he pleases often banging on his siblings windows at 3am on school nights because he's lost his key. Again. He hardly goes to college, has a pt job but still expects me to buy everything for him and doesn't help out at all. The final straw came today when he was physically pushing his 8 year old sister around because he wanted to use something that still needed wiping and decided it was her job to clean it(?). I went in to keep them apart and he pushed me 3 times. He then threw stuff around in a temper. His dad came in just then and told him to leave and calm down. He kicked a football which hit me and knocked me over so his Dad flipped, told him enough is enough after 3 years of this and threw him out with instructions not to come back. I'm torn now between relief and guilt. Any advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
humblesims · 18/09/2017 18:49

Yes, everyone needs to calm down and then you and your DH need to tell him that he needs to leave.

HeartStrings · 18/09/2017 18:50

I'm sorry OP, that sounds terrible. Is there any reason you think he's turned out so aggressive? Maybe mixed in with the wrong crowd?
He's 19 bullying an 8year old little girl and it's not on!
I've never been in your situation before so I'm sorry I don't have any advice. Just didn't want to read and run.
Don't feel guilty though, it's him in the wrong not you. I hope things get sorted

FrancisCrawford · 18/09/2017 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anasnake · 18/09/2017 18:51

He needs to learn and may need some tough love. A shock to the system may be what he needs. Does he have a key to get back in ?

ChasedByBees · 18/09/2017 18:52

He's abusive. Absolutely he should leave.

SkintAsASkintThing · 18/09/2017 18:52

Yanbu.

He needs a reality check and your younger children have the right to not be abused and stolen from.

IvorHughJarrs · 18/09/2017 18:54

Maybe you could use this as an opportunity to lay out some ground rules. Write down the things you expect of him, e.g. no swearing, no physical abuse, no stealing, how he contributes to the household,etc. Tell him you would have him back but he has to toe the line

Seeyamonday · 18/09/2017 18:58

You have other children to protect and I'm assuming he's been given warnings before, time to take your home and sanity back! If he comes back, sit him down with you and your husband, tell him in no uncertain terms (but calmly, difficult I know) what the rules are and if he agrees to them, ask if he can abide by them, if he says no take your key back and show him the door!! And for goodness sake stop paying for his stuff.

JWrecks · 18/09/2017 18:59

That's what I'd have done. I think your DH was right to protect you and the younger kids. DS needs to get his shit together.

NetRunner · 18/09/2017 19:03

Is there any possibility he is using drugs? Stealing money left, right and centre, aggressive, volatile behaviour - seems like warning signs to me. In any event, he cannot continue to rule the roost in this way. I agree that when he returns, you establish ground rules and the moment he breaks them, he needs to leave.

StarfishSeahorse · 18/09/2017 19:05

He's abusive YANBU. Awful for any woman who ends up with him.

Guardup · 18/09/2017 19:09

I can't imagine how horrid this is for your family, but something is obviously going on with your son and if I were you I would try to get to the bottom of that before throwing him out. Easier said than done I know, but ultimately he is your son and it sounds to me like he needs some help from you to get him on the straight and narrow. Abandoning him could be a slippery slope. Could you try and get someone to have your other children on the weekend and you and your husband try doing something with him in a neutral environment so you can try and find some common ground?

BuzzKillington · 18/09/2017 19:11

Awful situation, but where has he gone? I would be worried sick.

Hepzibar · 18/09/2017 19:12

He can present himself at your local housing homelessness service. Let him find out what the consequences are when you can't moderate your own behaviour to keep a roof over your head.

It's a hard lesson OP but he needs to learn it.

(I work with 16- 25's)

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/09/2017 19:13

Was there any kind of catalyst or trigger?

Unfortunately I think a dose of reality may be the best thing for him. I do feel for you. And for your children. Including him. He cannot be in a nice place in his head. However, you have to protect your minor children and he cannot be given priority.

Runninglateeveryday · 18/09/2017 19:14

Don't feel guilty you have done nothing wrong. He's an adult and he can't continue to abuse you and your other DCs .

scoobydoo1971 · 18/09/2017 19:15

This is a safeguarding issue for your whole family, and he needs to leave and be advised to seek mental health support from the GP (since his stealing, violence etc are indicative of underlying issues). Change the locks and put him out, as you are sponsoring his lifetyle by paying for stuff and enabling him to behave badly by putting up with it. Never let him back in or give him money. You will be doing him a big favour in the long run as eviction shows him that he must respect other people or face consequences. You cannot risk him hurting the other children, or burning the house down through smoking in the home. Time he grew up and took responsibility for himself, but it is time you demonstrated this by throwing him out. He can get emergency housing from the council, or seek a private rental.

AtHomeDadGlos · 18/09/2017 19:16

Stealing from you is one thing, bullying or harming your young daughter something else entirely. Get shot of him. Now.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 18/09/2017 19:17

YANBU. You have to protect your younger sister children - and yourself. Flowers
No doubt this is on the back of many previous warnings?

CherriesInTheSnow · 18/09/2017 19:19

Agree with NetRunner, my older brother was like this and he was selling anything he could for drugs. What an awul situation for you :( Flowers

expatinscotland · 18/09/2017 19:20

Your younger children need to be protected from his abuse and so do you. His presence there is a safeguarding issue. YANBU. He may be on drugs, but since he's 19 you cannot order him to see a GP or take up any other option. All you can do is throw him out.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 18/09/2017 19:23

Sorry to hear this it must be heartbreaking for you.
In your shoes I'd show him the door. It needn't be permanent but that boy needs a sharp shock if he's ever going to get on track.

NC4now · 18/09/2017 19:26

At 19 he's old enough to live independently. Ideally that would be managed and appropriate housing sorted before he left, but in these circumstances you have to prioritise safety of the rest of the family.
I agree with what Pp said about getting emergency accommodation and when everyone's a bit calmer you can help him find somewhere more stable.
I and most of my friends were living independently at 19.

SciFiFan2015 · 18/09/2017 19:27

Keep yourself and the rest of the family safe but please find a way to keep lines of communication open. He may still need you

Atenco · 18/09/2017 19:28

Sounds like he is on drugs and I think you have to get him out of the house.

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