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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To throw out my 19 year old son?

52 replies

WhatsItDoing · 18/09/2017 18:45

Hello, I'm really hoping for advice on this. My son became disrespectful and a bit of a handful but nothing major in high school. Since then it's been mostly downhill, he's stolen from me (hundreds from my bank at one point after watching me key in my pin over my shoulder), his little siblings know they have to hide their money including birthday money etc or he will take it (they've learnt from experience). He still regularly steals from his dads car and wallet. He breaks things when he's angry and has no respect for our rules. He smokes in the house, comes in and out when he pleases often banging on his siblings windows at 3am on school nights because he's lost his key. Again. He hardly goes to college, has a pt job but still expects me to buy everything for him and doesn't help out at all. The final straw came today when he was physically pushing his 8 year old sister around because he wanted to use something that still needed wiping and decided it was her job to clean it(?). I went in to keep them apart and he pushed me 3 times. He then threw stuff around in a temper. His dad came in just then and told him to leave and calm down. He kicked a football which hit me and knocked me over so his Dad flipped, told him enough is enough after 3 years of this and threw him out with instructions not to come back. I'm torn now between relief and guilt. Any advice would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 18/09/2017 19:29

It must be heartbreaking for you. I hope it is the shock he need. You and your oh are correct. You need protect your kids from his behaviour. Hopefully a couple of night couch surfing will give him the shock he needs.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2017 19:32

It's bad enough that he's stealing, but now he has assaulted you and his EIGHT year old sister. Throw him the fuck out and change your locks immediately. It's time for tough love.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/09/2017 19:36

You can't have him back in the house. He's a danger to all of you. Help him in other ways if he'll accept it, but his father was right to make him leave.

CherriesInTheSnow · 18/09/2017 19:36

Yeah just to elaborate a little my mum didn't want to throw him out and he has grown into a man child who is never responsible for anything he does, still has issues with drugs and gambling and made our childhoods hell. I know everyone is different but please don't feel guilty if you need to put the safety of your young vulnerable DC's (and yourself) above his behaviour.

Monny · 18/09/2017 19:39

I cannot imagine how horrible this must be for you. I have to agree that out is best as behaviour boundaries have been utterly crossed. No financial support and tough love.
That said, he's your son and I can't imagine you wanting to leave him to it. Can you offer him a hard-line, but also be there to help him seek support? Talk to the GP, local DV charities may offer courses to help him understand that his behaviour is not the way forward. That said, if he does a course please be cautious if he 'changes'; don't accept it until you have seen change in the long term.

Jellyheadbang · 18/09/2017 19:40

The only way he'll get housed at his age is by going on the waiting list for supported housing. He can apply via the local housing advice service (e.g. Local housing) or by directly approaching local youth support service.
Too many parents kick their teens out for weak reasons, not getting on with step dad, not bringing in enough money once tax credits have stopped but in your case you have very valid reasons for kicking him out.
He's being horrible to all of you (understatement) and it will impact on your younger dcs.
Let him go and try and have a relationship from a distance but he's now an adult, your younger ones are the priority now.
Hope he can sort himself out but it might take some time.
Good luck.

Feckitall · 18/09/2017 19:42

logically -get shot
human reaction- how do we sort this..
MN - its easy decision
RL - Oh my God what do I do

The young man may get the short sharp shock, get himself sorted and get back on track ...or...more realistically will be homeless...housing single males varies but generally very little help, if they are volatile likely to get thrown out of hostels....then if not on drugs yet will end up with the drugs/drink on streets.

Its not easy to accept your child is on the streets and you have kicked them out even when their behaviour is abusive...

My thoughts are with you OP. Flowers

Jellyheadbang · 18/09/2017 19:46

Oh sorry I meant to say he can always play for private rented too but will not get enough housing benefit for anything more than a room in a shared house. If at college he might qualify for income support or similar, might get some jsa/universal credit.
Good luck x

endofthelinefinally · 18/09/2017 19:47

Drugs.
Is there anyone at all that would take him temporarily and persuade him to go to rehab?

FeeLock28 · 18/09/2017 19:48

Do you think he is taking drugs/gambling/in hock, etc, to someone? It all sounds so rapid an onset.

CherriesInTheSnow · 18/09/2017 19:48

I certainly don't think it's an easy decision for anyone, I have watched my own mother agonise for years over something like this and still does.

I do think the OP should be told that she is justified if she needs to get him to leave though, if only for the short term.

OP, I think you need to talk to him really frankly and make it known that your and his dad are not doing this out of anger or dislike for him, but he is damaging everyone physically and emotionally and as much as your will always support him as his mother, you cannot subject his younger siblings or yourself to this behaviour, that he has no right to disrespect you the way he is and if this is how he is going to act, then he has to leave.

I think you should also tell him honestly that you worry he has got involved with something he is not coping with (i.e. maybe drugs, bullying, whatever) and that you will not disown him if he tells you the truth and can accept that he needs (professional, not you) support with his issues to overcome them. Have you ever asked him why his behaviour is so bad?

If he does not comply or denies any bigger problems, then again I think you should ask him to leave.

NinonDeLenclos · 18/09/2017 19:57

respect.uk.net/

This place runs abuse perpretrator programmes for young people 10-25 years. He won't pay any attention to what you say - but if you have a conversation with him in the future - you might mention it.

It also sounds like he may have a drug problem.

MrsASoprano · 18/09/2017 19:58

My brother was like this.

He made my life hell.

My parents didn't 'get shot', but decided to bury their heads in the sand and ignore it (to my detriment).

Please don't let him in. Would you let any other grown adult behave towards your 8 year old in that way? It's not on.

Slimthistime · 18/09/2017 20:01

my first thought was also, is he taking drugs?

MsJudgemental · 18/09/2017 20:01

I have seen this situation several times, with close friends and within DH's side of the family. You are doing nobody any favours by putting up with this. Sorry, but letting him stay is enabling his behaviour. He needs to go. Only hitting rock bottom will give him the jolt he needs to maybe turn his life around.

LightDrizzle · 18/09/2017 20:09

Sounds like drugs.
My brother and my second cousin were similar at similar ages. My parents, well mum, gave my brother chance after chance, supported him financially. My 2nd cousin's parents paid an advance on housing then cut off all financial support. My second cousin has gone on to have a non-stellar but normal life. My brother is dead, almost certainly suicide, and after a very unhappy life. We were incredibly naive.

Chattymummyhere · 18/09/2017 20:09

Sounds like my uncle when he was doing/dealing drugs (his only a couple of year older than me). The attitude and anger. Money and items going missing, pawn recipts being found. He only changed slightly after a stint in jail for a serious reason.

Primrose06 · 18/09/2017 20:10

I think you are in a terrible position.
I do wonder what the root of his problem is? Is he into drugs or gambling?

Is there any chance of having mediation?

Your son has to know his behaviour is not acceptable. You and your family need to be able to live without fear of him and he needs to know that this behaviour has consequences and he must seek help from whatever, be it anger management, substance or other addiction.
Flowers hugs

crazycatlady5 · 18/09/2017 20:12

I'm so sorry Op this must be incredibly stressful and hurtful for you. My older brother was like this and put my mum through hell, I watched it happen. He moved out. He went and stayed with a friend, within a couple of years had started his own business. He's 40 now and we're all very close but he needed to be out of the house. It made him grow up. I appreciate it can go the other way but you can't live like that Op.

Miserylovescompany2 · 18/09/2017 20:23

Maybe this is the shock he needs - I'm more than sure after a week or two sofa surfing he'll realise what he's lost?

BonnieF · 18/09/2017 20:28

Your son is an adult. That means he has to accept that actions have consequences, and that he has to live with the consequences of his own behaviour.

His father was absolutely right to throw him out, and as an adult your son now has to deal with the situation his own behaviour has caused.

Your adult son has made his bed, and now he must lie in it. if he doesn't like it - tough shit. He should have thought about that before behaving as a violent, abusive thug.

AngelsSins · 18/09/2017 20:45

My brother was like this when we were growing up, to a degree he still is. He stole thousands from my mum, stole our stuff, lied constantly, squared up to my mum several times, wouldn't work etc. My mum NEVER took a hardline with him and I really believe she should have.

He's now got 3 kids by 3 different, much younger women, doesn't pay a penny in maintenance, has been in court several times, is abussive to girlfriends, constantly "borrows" money off my mum, he's a vile waste of space who thinks the earth should revolve around him and has never really had to face up to the consequences of his actions.

AngelsSins · 18/09/2017 20:47

Oh and for balance, my brother wasn't on drugs, he's just entitled.

rightnowimpissed · 18/09/2017 21:26

He needs to learn that there are boundaries, if it goes on like this it'll be out of your hands, at the end of the day he's an adult and the police will deal with him as such. The escalation in his behaviour is very troubling,

I'd say there is a root cause something you probably don't know about, perhaps some outside intervention from other family, aunts uncles someone he would maybe open up to?

I really feel for you op and understand that you need to protect your youngest. You really need some sort of help don't let it go on anymore without asking for some.

MummaTwinkleToes · 18/09/2017 23:01

OP I agree it sounds like he's on drugs. You have to protect your little ones. Well done to your DH for showing this behaviour will not be tolerated. Let everyone calm down and write a list of household rules and expected behaviour, then sit down with him and make it clear that this behaviour must stop immediately and that although he is an adult, he needs to show he can behave as one in your home and respect you, your home, rules and other children. If he doesn't want to live as a functioning member of the family he needs to find somewhere else to live. Good luck keep strong.