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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider breaking off my engagement?

56 replies

taupealways · 18/09/2017 12:53

I have been with my fiancée for nearly 5 years. She very recently started her surgical fellowship (specialising in plastics), and of course I am happy for her. I just don't know if I can live with her reason for choosing it.

Basically, what she said was that she chose plastics so she wouldn't have to deal with patients who are eligible for government subsidy?!?? (Not in the UK so things work differently here. AFAIK subsidies are usually awarded according to your income I think.) I know it's none of my business since it's her career but we've never discussed anything like this before and I've never known her to think this way.

We had a massive argument over it and I'm now being accused of over-reacting. Am I? I just don't really know how I feel about all this.

OP posts:
guilty100 · 18/09/2017 12:56

Can you explain a bit more about the differences between you, and what was said during this row? I don't really understand the context fully - are you saying that effectively she doesn't want to deal with poor patients?

araiwa · 18/09/2017 12:58

Youve done the hard work, you really gonna get rid as she starts earning big money?

Valentine2 · 18/09/2017 13:05

I wouldn't live with someone like that, let alone marry them. Sorry this has happened. Were there no red flags earlier or is this the first you think? It is a massive issue though.

Valentine2 · 18/09/2017 13:07

araiwa
WTF? Earning big money? Hard work? Is that what you get out of relationships? Feel sorry for you then.

Original poster
taupealways · 18/09/2017 13:08

The row was essentially about that! I asked what she meant and she said she didn't want to have to deal with "them" (speaking about subsidised patients). Then we got into a fight about it and she accused me of being - and I quote - "dramatic about things that don't even concern you". Just fuming right now.

OP posts:
Doobigetta · 18/09/2017 13:12

Is this really the first time you've discussed anything about your views on politics, ethics etc in 5 years? If that's genuinely the case, I'd actually take the view that it isn't important enough to either of you to be a deal-breaker.

Allthebestnamesareused · 18/09/2017 13:14

Surely as plastics she would also have to deal with burns victims etc (and therefore the patients may be eligible for the govt subsidies) unless she is in private practice and just doing nose and boob jobs?

She sounds quite shallow but surely you'd have realised this before now if that were the case?

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 18/09/2017 13:16

Would you feel the same if she had a career in say wealth management rather than a debt charity?

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 18/09/2017 13:19

Have to admit this would upet me too OP.

It seems to me, if I've read this right, that she's basically saying she doesn't want to have to deal with all those nasty poor people, and would much rather just work with the higher classes, right?

Yeah I couldn't deal with that.

This would show a massive gulf in attitudes and ethics to me.

Fair enough if that's her opinion, but it would make look at her in a completely different light, and I couldn't be with someone who thought like that.

Has she always been a bit like this or is it just now?

Original poster
taupealways · 18/09/2017 13:20

Doobigetta I really don't want to mention this since it's so controversial but the best analogy I can think of is the whole trans movement - just something you (or I, specifically) have never thought about/have strong opinions about till it actually crops up, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 18/09/2017 13:22

so she's a 'stuck up' snob... and your not... Grin

you feel you're only now discovering how incompatible you truly are... ?

is this the problem OP Flowers

Hoppinggreen · 18/09/2017 13:22

Trying to compare it to the situation in The UK is it as if she has said she only wants to work in Private medicine rather than The NHS?
Seems a bit drastic to call off an engagement over unless it's shown you something about her that you feel you can't live with

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 18/09/2017 13:23

Would you feel the same if she had a career in say wealth management rather than a debt charity?

Can't speak for the OP, but yeah this would also be a deal breaker for me. I don't find people who put money and personal gain above helping others very attractive.

It's a simple difference of priorities and attitudes really.

If it doesn't matter to other people, then thats fine, there are plenty of people in the world who don't let this sort of stuff affect the relationship, but to others it's such a difference it's too much to let go.

ShatnersWig · 18/09/2017 13:23

I'd have problems with that too, OP. Although I do find it odd that you've gone 5 years without any sort of hint previously of that kind of attitude.

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/09/2017 13:26

It's the othering of 'them' that would also gross me out - the superiority and unkindness.

So she doesn't want to work with people who really need help.

Ugh. I'm with you.

Original poster
taupealways · 18/09/2017 13:26

Allthebestnamesareused Yeah she's in the private wing of a public hospital so it's mainly cosmetic procedures.

That's partly why I'm so bothered too, the whole bit about having never noticed any of this. I work in the fashion industry so I don't exactly deal with diverse groups of people either. Quite miffed about having that conversation in the first place.

OP posts:
Serialweightwatcher · 18/09/2017 13:27

So she's a snob basically and you've never realised at all in 5 years? Don't you talk to each other properly usually - surely you've had an inkling in all this time

CoyoteCafe · 18/09/2017 13:28

You've never discussed poverty or the working class? Ethics, or funding for medical care, politics? In 5 years?

Are you sure she meant she didn't want to deal with the patients? Is it possible she didn't want to deal with the subsidies and the paper work? Depending on what country a doctor is in, not wanting to deal with the governmental system for health care is a real concern.

However, I couldn't be with someone who lacked compassion for others.

BadLad · 18/09/2017 13:28

Is there shitloads more money in what she wants to do than what you want her to do?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/09/2017 13:29

Oh come on. This has to be a wind up. In 5 years she's never done, or said, anything that's made you think 'Woah, that's off'. Not buying it.

expatinscotland · 18/09/2017 13:31

It's your call. So break it off if it's a dealbreaker and set her loose to find someone who has viewpoints more in common. Doesn't make you a necessarily better person. There's a thread on here about a midwife who only wants to handle straightforward births and people are by and large honouring her choice. Some doctors elect not to refer patients for pregnancy terminations or perform them, their shout as long as they refer the patient to someone else who can.

Seems pretty odd you've gone 5 years with someone, got close enough to marry and not explored viewpoints like this. Confused Hmm

littlewoollypervert · 18/09/2017 13:31

What exactly is her attitude to subsidised patients - has she said she thinks they are inferior, is she snobby about them?

Or does she want to avoid that area because they are not well funded and will only get basic care (which could be upsetting) and/or she won't get to do the more advanced surgeries that might be funded privately?

What specifically came out in the argument? I'd be far more worried if her view aligned with my first point above rather than my second one.

Penny4UrThoughts · 18/09/2017 13:32

Is she a snob or is the admin side of it unwieldy?

I know a massage therapist in the USA that refuses to take insurance (people can get massage through health insurance over there) because the insurance companies can be a pain to deal with.

ZoeWashburne · 18/09/2017 13:34

I think there are two factors here that have a fundamental root of this issue so you two are talking about the same subject, but from two massively different angles.

You see 'dealing with them' as dealing with poor people. You are reading this as being uncaring and classist. That she is heartless and doesn't care.

From a medical perspective, she likely sees 'dealing with them' as frustrations with the medical system. I know plenty of physicians in many countries that have been frustrated with the bureaucracy and rebates of overly complicated medical systems. In many cases it is an exhausting, paper-work filled nightmare.

I don't think you are both wrong in this situation, but I also don't think you are both right. In many countries, medical care has either been privatised to catastrophic levels (USA) or not invested in properly by successive governments so it is struggling to cope (NHS in the UK). I don't think it is unfair for her to try to remove herself from dealing with that.

This is someone you have spent 5 years with and planned on spending the rest of your life with. It does seem a tad dramatic if you were 100% happy with everything until this discussion. At least without further discussion in a calm manner about the causes of this.

I do have to say if you are willing to throw in the towel over this discussion without even giving her the benefit of the doubt and discussing this calmly, you do need to have some deep introspection of if you are ready for marriage.

sharklovers · 18/09/2017 13:34

She sounds quite sensible to me! I'd consider that a plus point!