I've done something I'm not proud of....

[MissCommunication]

Hi all

I've got this thread....
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3004114-Speeding-husband-our-problems-are-all-my-fault?pg=11&order=

...at the moment in relationships but this is a general AIBU. I was looking for a letter for DS and I came across a bank statement of DHs. I don't know why I did it because I've never seen fit to peek before...I don't look at his phone or email...but I did. I quickly totted up that last month he spent over £4k on "hobby" equipment. He earns good money and can spend it on what he likes because he works hard however...he started a DIY project in a small and very frequently used room two years ago and it's still not finished. There is heaps to do around the house and when we talk about it he says things like "where do you think the money is going to come from"? I can't pay for extras each month...I get a certain amount into a joint account which he has access to and I cover all household bills (it's a stupidly expensive house to heat and run, high council tax bracket etc), the DC costs, my own car, phone and costs. I shop in Aldi, most of the DC and my clothes are second hand or gifts, I haven't had a hair cut since January and I have to ask him for extra money if we need anything and I can't cover it. I'm pretty thrifty but not great at budgeting I admit, but I do not spend money excessively on any level. So it grates a bit when there isn't spare money for extras out of my money but he can spend that sort of cash without any qualms.

Was AIBU to have looked as what we don't know doesn't hurt us? I have no idea what the family finances are...other than what our mortgage is and DH pays it. I don't know how much money he has. I have what I'm given and no savings as such. The account where any income goes is the joint account and so he knows what goes in and out at any given point.

He's financially abusing and controlling you.

You have got to start acting like an adult and know about your finances. I'm staggered that you just let him control everything. This puts you in a very vulnerable position.

Not "Was AIBU"...sorry. "Was IBU"?

In any partnership or marriage both parties are entitled to a full and clear picture of the partnership finances, total income, expenditure, savings and investments (if any) .
Ada is right, your DH is controlling and financially abusing you.

YANBU.

You need to make sure you are up to speed on everything from now on though. You can do it in a non-confrontational way.

Read your other thread, he is an abusive arsehole and you need to leave him.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. It always is.

copy that statement, it will be very useful when he tries to screw you in the divorce (which he will) by claiming he earns a pittance and you have proof of his income and spending habits.

then leave his bastard, PLEASE.

OP, please bin this bastard. Did you ring WA? Can you go with your kids to your sister's? And yy to copying the statement.

Sit down and go through the finances with him. Make it your business and reassess what is allocated to food/hobbies and so on. Refuse to be sidelined. The choice is divorce or financial openness and growing together

Its really concerning you think your anywhere near in the wrong.

I am married to a tight arse but we do the finances together and financial decisions are shared and agreed

Nothing else to add. He seems to see his money as his - whereas it's family money and you need to be involved.

What louhotel says.
He's done a number on you. It's financial abuse at least and very worrying that you think you're the one who's done something wrong.

This is Mr Choker right?
I'm so sorry but how much more evidence do you need to LTB?

It shows his hierarchy of importance, doesn't it? He comes first, always. His money is to be spent on himself above all and he will not stint himself for any reason. He (grudgingly I expect) gives you money to run the house and care for the children. He gives you NO money to specifically spend on yourself.

My DH and I both have hobbies that might be considered 'expensive'. But if the house needed repairs or the children needed anything that expense would come before any hobby!

I wouldn't call looking at the bank statement as 'snooping'. In your case I'd call it self preservation!!!

I remember your other thread, although I didn't post on it. You gave up too easily on seeing a solicitor, probably from fear? Please see that solicitor and tell him/her everything. You really need to get away from this man. He is destroying your soul and he will do the same to your children.

Yes, he is controlling you but sorry OP why are you allowing it to happen? It is your house too - you should absolutely know how much the mortgage and bills are!

I didn't mention that his earnings go into his own account which I don't see. He may have several accounts for all I know. He always says it's "our" money but I wouldn't dream of asking about his situation. Don't know why really. I just don't feel comfortable asking. Like it's none of my business? I know that's my own hang up FWIW. Not necessarily what he's let me believe.

Irrelevant but what is his hobby?

I'm not going to wade back through your previous posts but it sounds like (from what others have said) that you are in an abusive relationship.

You know you need to leave, I know how hard this can be. It wasn't unreasonable to look at his statement, get a copy of it, then do some more looking and see what else you can find.

I think it's just awful that he lets you and the kids wear second hand clothes - now I have not got anything against charity shops, sometimes shop in them myself for me and DD loves having a poke about - considering he has spent £ 4000 in the last month on his FUCKING HOBBY,! Now , you don't say what his hobby is but I would be shoving parts of his hobby tools down his throat frankly.
He is treating you AND his children so shabbily. I would front up that I saw his statement, I totted up what he had spent and that unless you get the same ammount of money given to you pronto and you have a very clear view of the finances from now on then you will be reassessing your situation and taking legal advice. Scare the bastard! You don't say you want to leave him, you don't have to . You just have to let him know that the worm is turning and if this is a marriage rather than an unbalanced financially abusive relationship then you are off.
Personally, I think every woman should have a ' running away fund' . I had quite a healthy one until my exBF got her thieving fucking hands on it betrayed me, but I'm staring a new one.
Stand strong. Remember, it's not just for you, this is fighting for your kids. And women will fight like a tiger for what is right for their kids. Get some equality into this relationship otherwise it will eat away at you. Good luck.

Urgh just read both threads and you need to speak to someone in real life, also read them back as if it was a friend or sister and think about what you would advise her to do.

He doesn't sound approachable or very loving, hope you're ok

What does he pay for cos it seems like you're paying for everything and you're skint and he's paying not so much and is loaded.

This needs to change asap. Do you know what he earns? This terrible inequality shouldn't happen in a marriage.

Also I really think you should change your thinking you haven't done something to not be proud of (your title) he's doing something he should be thoroughly ashamed of.

I expect you are scared to pin him down in case he strangles you again

Womans Aid. You are being financially abused, and going by what AnyFucker posted, physical abuse is also taking place .