I've done something I'm not proud of....

[MissCommunication]

Hi all

I've got this thread....
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3004114-Speeding-husband-our-problems-are-all-my-fault?pg=11&order=

...at the moment in relationships but this is a general AIBU. I was looking for a letter for DS and I came across a bank statement of DHs. I don't know why I did it because I've never seen fit to peek before...I don't look at his phone or email...but I did. I quickly totted up that last month he spent over £4k on "hobby" equipment. He earns good money and can spend it on what he likes because he works hard however...he started a DIY project in a small and very frequently used room two years ago and it's still not finished. There is heaps to do around the house and when we talk about it he says things like "where do you think the money is going to come from"? I can't pay for extras each month...I get a certain amount into a joint account which he has access to and I cover all household bills (it's a stupidly expensive house to heat and run, high council tax bracket etc), the DC costs, my own car, phone and costs. I shop in Aldi, most of the DC and my clothes are second hand or gifts, I haven't had a hair cut since January and I have to ask him for extra money if we need anything and I can't cover it. I'm pretty thrifty but not great at budgeting I admit, but I do not spend money excessively on any level. So it grates a bit when there isn't spare money for extras out of my money but he can spend that sort of cash without any qualms.

Was AIBU to have looked as what we don't know doesn't hurt us? I have no idea what the family finances are...other than what our mortgage is and DH pays it. I don't know how much money he has. I have what I'm given and no savings as such. The account where any income goes is the joint account and so he knows what goes in and out at any given point.

Hes sexually, physically, emotionally and financially abusive. Are you still working on a plan to leave?

Take photos or copies of ALL financial stuff you come across. Put it back where you found it. This man is terrifying and you need to keep working on a plan to leave him safely.

I'm still scared that he will abuse your children, im sorry. Hes crossed boundaries that a father should never cross.

how i it non of your business?

dh works i dont we hav a joint account i know more about th bills an mortgag than he does! i dont ask for money i spend appropriatly on what we need sometimes treat myself if theres enough

hes controlling you

I've just read your other thread through. Truthfully I suspect that one way or another he will kill you one day. The only question is whether he will kill your children as well.

I'm interested nosey to know what the hobby is too! DH spends inordinate amounts on cycling but nothing like that much in one go. I ski and scuba dive and none of my kit, or indeed trips cost that much!

Why not change? Ask him! Sit down and go through everything.

'Why not change? Ask him! Sit down and go through everything.'

Because from her other threads he's an abusive twat.

Plop That is excellent advice for someone whose marriage has got into bad habits and needs a little bit of help.

Unfortunately this is a marriage where the husband talks about killing the Op and how to dispose of her body, regularly puts his hands around the Op's throat, is sexually abusive, shows red flags about being sexually abusive towards the children, isolated the Op from all her friends and drives the car with the Op and their children in at 130m.p.h. Even when she begs him not to.

Your advice is more likely to get her killed than to lead to a sudden realisation by him that maybe he should be more open about the finances.

Financial abuse.
Seeing your other thread, you do need to add everything together and start being proactive.
How on earth is he happy to spend that sort money on hobbies when his own dcs and his dw don't have enough money to buy anything else than cheap/charity clothes???

Btw thee is nothing wrong about looking at your DH statements!! Esp not in your case.
So please don't feel bad about it.

Make a copy of the statement and start making moves to get out ....

You were ABSOLUTELY NOT being unreasonable in any way. You are a married couple, and finances are ALWAYS both of your business. HE has ZERO right to keep anything financial from you, whether you're the one named on the pay stub or not!

It's heartbreaking that you feel guilty for "sneaking" a peek at "his" financial documents! There is no such thing as his and hers financial documents in a marriage!

And, yes, he is very very much financially abusing and controlling you and your children if he is spending FOUR THOUSAND POUNDS on bullshit to faff about with occasionally, when you and your children go without! That's fucking monstrous.

Clearly what you don't know absolutely DOES hurt you in this situation, and I'm glad you took a look and wish you'd seen it sooner. :(

Get ALL of the financial papers together and see a solicitor BEFORE he has a chance to hide anything from you. If he's doing this, then God knows where else he's got money. Get yourself and your poor children the hell away from this bastard.

Just to clarify...he has never strangled me!!!

I'll PM interested parties about the hobby...might be outing!!!

This is so bad, you are kept "pregnant and barefoot" (no money to spend on yourself, not even a lousy £20 for a haircut, or a tenner for a new t shirt) whilst he spends ££££ on himself

WtF! Wake up woman! Please.

He has put his hands around/on your throat. One little squeeze and he'd be strangling you. A little more and you could be dead. Your other thread went quiet. Are you still making plans to leave him?

Hi Rosie
I'm just quietly getting on with life right now...building strength and courage. I guess also waiting for a catalyst? There are lots of little things happening that are opening my eyes further...I'm trying to refill my hollowed out shell IYKWIM?

How can £4000 not be the catalyst? You and your children are going round in second hand clothes with nothing in your pockets while he is swanning about flushing money down the bloody bog. He's holding you AND YOUR CHILDREN hostage.

Get yourself a SHL (with "his" money of course) and take him for everything he's got. Please. And now.

I spoke to someone in their 70s last week who had been in a loveless, financially and physically abusive relationship for 50 years and had finally plucked up the courage to leave. Her story was heartbreaking. I hope you are able to speak to someone in RL to help you.

I'm glad you've still got your eyes open. I hope you get out before he escalates the abuse.

He sounds like a scary person. Of course you must get away immediately before something bad happens.

OP i fear you will be waiting your lifetime for a catalyst all the while missing every single one.

Whats currently happening to you are giant flashing red warning signs of something horrible that will happen to you or your children.

Money, posessions, a hole can be rebuilt - please for your sake call WA and/or a solicitor and get out. You are waiting for this man to change and it wont.

You need to pry more and take photos of everything you find. You'll need it when you finally get this abusive arsehole out of your life.

Hands around my throat was the final straw on this camel's back!

Now nearly divorced.
accepted offer on house we still live in together

Nearly free.

He didn't hurt me. Had that much control. Was acting out being very angry and I stood there thinking that he'd never gone this far before and is he about to lose just a little control and go too far. How will it escalate next time? I briefed my DD that if she heard anything like this not to try to intervene but to take her phone and key and get out and call for help. I could not believe I was saying this out loud to her. I spoke to WA and a solicitor, lost two stone and confirmed my final decision to end this nightmare. In hindsight I do wish I had phoned the police that night or the next day.

The two stone has come back and brought friends...

He has put his hands on your throat though which is one of the highest risk of all dv behaviours. It's one one of the most lethal forms of domestic violence and a key predictor of future lethal violence.

You're not going to refill your hollow shell in this relationship. You're not waiting for a catalyst, you've had many. You're prevaricating because you're scared to leave - which is understandable - it's very scary leaving an abusive relationship - but be honest about what you're doing.

Hands on your neck should have been a catalyst, 4 grand on hobbies should've been a catalyst.

You're not building strength, you're simply exposing you and your children to further abuse and danger.