AIBU - lid blown off my inner bitch box - partners adult DD

[rizlett]

Truthfully I know IABU so no holding back. I need to be told. Perhaps even to reach rock bottom so that my thoughts have to change - help me get the lid of rationality screwed back on tight.

My partners DD22, let's call her Sarah, and her BF23 have stayed with us for the last week. [we live in a holiday destination, they live in the UK - Sarah visits once a year] It's pretty much the only time my DP sees his DD.

I have had big issues from being separated from my Dad age 2 [he later took his own life aged 38] and from my mum age 4-8 most of which I have resolved but consequently I don't have much idea about healthy relationships.

Whilst Sarah and BF are here I feel I am on constant alert to listen to conversation between them and DP and also ashamedly - to continually complain to him about their behaviour. For example they stay in their room every night watching movies, they don't say good morning or night and don't appear to be that interested in him. Sarah tends to be really quiet and whispers instead of talks and replies to conversation is often just a 'yes', 'no' or 'stuff' - even if you ask open ended questions. Last night during dinner Sarah and BF were talking about taking B's mum out for a birthday meal and yet her Dad doesn't even get a card. He isn't bothered about this at all and of course its none of my business either but I have such difficulty containing my feelings. I don't say anything to them of course and I totally get they are kids still, having only just left Uni and that kids can be selfish, [I have 3 adult dc's of my own.] and that in the main they're just wanting a cheap holiday. Still it would actually be nice for them to offer to take us out for a meal, or if that's too much, to give a small thank you gift.

I find I am often raging inside but at the same time knowing this is completely ridiculous. I have times when I get a grip and everything is ok but it doesn't last long enough and I get so disappointed and then start to hate myself.

My DP isn't what you would call overly affectionate with anyone and is quite insular and self contained. He's not really keen to talk about feelings as he believes that it can just perpetuate and intensify it all. I do relate to this at times but sometimes my emotions seem to be too big. He has spent years meditating and sometimes I find his non reactivity bloody challenging - I guess he just doesn't understand what it feels like. We've been together 4 years and prior to this I had relationships with very dysfunctional/abusive men.

I also think part of the problem is that with Sarah and her Dad there are no rules, they always have complete freedom to do what they want/or not and for some reason I find this personally distressing and yet at the same time I get how wonderful this must be for her.

I know it's connected to jealousy/insecurity and over the years I have worked really hard on this but why, why, why can't I just let it all go?

I thought I liked that he gave me total acceptance but actually I'm realising the acceptance perhaps doesn't include strong negative emotion.

We like having space to ourselves - both having lived alone for long periods of time. I like being on my own quite a bit - which is another reason why I struggle a bit with all visitors. We read a lot and have a similar sense of humour. He makes me laugh. I don't have to be or do anything I don't want to. He is never negative or angry. I'm never afraid of him but I am afraid of it not working.

I would certainly be away for most or part of the week that they visit. Leave DP to look after them.

Honey - he would take her anywhere she wanted to go but she'd have to suggest it although when she was little they went to all sorts of places. He gives her space and the freedom to do what she wants - so he'll ask if they want to eat out with us or if they want to go out by themselves and either is ok. There's no pressure.

He asked what food etc he needed to get in for them before they came and he keeps in touch by email generally. I don't know how often because that's not really anything to do with me.

When I say I feel as though I need to listen to all the conversations - this is not what I do - I feel as though I want to but of course they need time with each other without me - which again is fine. When Sarah came the first time on her own they went out to dinner just the two of them a few times - again this is normal and natural and not a problem but he did text me at work to ask if I would go with them next time so he had someone to talk to.

I always ask if she'd prefer to go on her own with him.

He's just gone to drop them off at the airport. When he gets back we're going to have a discussion about our relationship. [he generally prefers not to talk about it.]

Last night he said that he thought the last 6 months [since we've been back together] have been a bit odd.

I don't even know what that means and if that is the case why has he not mentioned it till now?

When you say I have grown up so much in this relationship, do you mean he rewards you for toning down your emotions?
Maybe you're angry at her because acknowledging the root of the problem is going to open a can of worms.

No DJ - I mean I was quite immature emotion wise and overly sensitive - kind of looking for the hurt in things instead of actively taking responsibility for my own feelings and sorting them out myself.

I feel very sorry for the daughter actually. I agree your partner sounds like a shit parent. I don't think a daughter should give a thank you letter for staying with her father for one week a year. She's family.

I think you're right too Mulberry.

This thread has been really helpful. Thank you everyone.

Your children visit you once or twice - do you visit them?

Did they visit more before you met him?

Be careful you aren't changing yourself to fit his normal. Cold and distant is fine if that is what he wants, but it screams out from your posts that it's not what you want,

Also, you don't sound like you have an actual relationship at all with DP. Much like the lack of relationship he appears to have with her. It all sounds very very odd.

lala my children visited less when I lived in uk - they are in their late 20/30's and all doing their own thing.

I don't have much idea about relationships at all tbh and I'm probably not good at closeness - perhaps that's why we are together - I'd like to be closer but not sure how to achieve it.

I guess we all have different relationships.

If she's only just finished uni how would she have afforded to visit more often before this?

Your SD visits one a year

Your own DC visit once maybe twice a year

Sounds like you really make the, feel welcome!

Them feel welcome

Leave them alone. You sound very hostile and that no doubt comes off you in waves. Why are you straining to listen to their conversations?! Im surprised they're not scared of visiting you. & they are adults, NOT kids

As for dad - why does he only see his DD once a year? & do you think she should bow down to you because they're getting a cheap holiday?

I think you are hostile to the point of aggression, and your man doesn't give a shit about his DD. Which is a shame because DD does at least visit him - you aren't the only option for a cheap holiday you know, there are some good deals out there

Even you describing DD visiting her dad as 'only wants a cheap holiday' sounds off key

Stop judging DD, judge her 'couldn't much care less' dad, if you have to judge someone

She must be a great girl...in her shoes I wouldn't come within 5 feet of the pair of you

I can't say YABU - its so much more than that, that YABU doesn't even cover it

I'm so sorry you didn't have the parents you deserved, parents to show you how precious and special you are and what love looks like. Have you had any therapy?

I do think it sounds like you have some issues with attachment - like you're not really sure what a secure, relaxed attachment is. You sound quite anxious on one hand, hence the irritability with your partner's daughter, but also like you have learned how to manage hurt feelings and strong emotions.

You say you share a sense of humour with your partner, is he kind to you in a quiet understated way? It's possible that you have really learned some good skills in terms of managing emotions in your time with your partner. Which is great.

He does sound like he has been an emotionally absent father though and that's shit for his daughter. Little gestures like making sure he got the right food in before they came, and taking her out for dinner, to me say that he does care in his own way, but it doesn't make up for not bothering to really know her as a person - and call her boring.

If he's not comfortable with talking about his own emotions and inner life, and you have changed and developed as a person, perhaps you have outgrown him.

What jumps out at me, re your DP, is: He's not really keen to talk about feelings as he believes that it can just perpetuate and intensify it all. ... He has spent years meditating

IME some (not all) people who are very into meditation usually men like the detachment of it because their relationships are dysfunctional. They can withdraw from the real messy world of imperfect human beings and their imperfect emotions, and feel that this detachment is something positive. When in fact it's avoidant.

IIRC there is a good chapter about this in A path with heart, by Jack Kornfield

Sorry I can't help with the issue with your DSD visiting, except to say maybe you could go out and let them get on with building their own relationship, as maybe he's relying on you to do the work with her.

I have to say though, I feel most for the daughter. She drew a short straw with a dad like that.

Even if his lack of emotional engagement is because he is genuinely limited due to his own upbringing etc, rather than being a nasty person, she has still missed out on a loving father.

You have a history of being in relationships with dysfunctional men, and sadly you have continued this tradition with your husband. I don't think he's an awful person, just emotionally immature.

When reading your op, I felt a lot of undercurrents of resentment and jealousy geared toward your step-daughter that are confusing and misplaced. I really don't think she or your husband is the problem - the problem is your lack of self-understanding due to your abusive past, and when emotions bubble up, you have no skills in how to manage them. This is NOT your fault, and it doesn't have to plague your future, either. I really believe you would benefit greatly from therapy.

How are you feeling about 'the talk' when he gets back from the airport?

Is your DP self-contained and distant in attitude but basically kind, or is he just self-centred and indifferent?

What is clear is that neither you, OP, nor his daughter are getting what you need from your relationship with this man. You are both wanting an emotional engagement that he appears unable to provide, for whatever reason. You don't mention the kind of upbringing he had, but his avoidance of talking about feelings suggests deep-seated hurt somewhere in his past.

You need someone who will give you more emotional support than you are getting, rather than a partner who distances himself from what he finds uncomfortable. You appreciate that he gives you the freedom to do/not do what you want, but are you sure that this freedom is not due to indifference?

DP has a similar relationship with his DF. He never ever visits us, keeps himself at a distance and we would never see him unless we made the effort to travel 4 hours to visit him. When we do visit his GF never ever leaves his side and sits in judgment of everything we do or say. If FIL offers to pay for dinner we are spongers, if we pay we are only showing off. If we visit it's only for a free holiday but if we don't visit we are accused of not caring. His GF is constantly negative about us which has made relationships even more strained. My advice OP is to back off, you are expecting too much considering what a crap father your DP is. Give them time and space to be together without judgement and do your best to encourage their relationship.

I find it very sad that you actually have 3 children yet hardly see them.

I agree tehmima. I hardly see my mother anymore. There is a reason.

Agree with pp that the dd is visiting out of duty and for a cheap holiday and its unsurprising she doesn't want to spend time with her father since he finds her boring (which is a vile way to speak about your own child imo).
The fact you expect gratitude is what is the odd thing. What exactly for? Allowing his child to visit when if she didn't they'd have no contact at all? Hopefully she has the relationship with her bfs parents that she is lacking with your dp.