AIBU - lid blown off my inner bitch box - partners adult DD

[rizlett]

Truthfully I know IABU so no holding back. I need to be told. Perhaps even to reach rock bottom so that my thoughts have to change - help me get the lid of rationality screwed back on tight.

My partners DD22, let's call her Sarah, and her BF23 have stayed with us for the last week. [we live in a holiday destination, they live in the UK - Sarah visits once a year] It's pretty much the only time my DP sees his DD.

I have had big issues from being separated from my Dad age 2 [he later took his own life aged 38] and from my mum age 4-8 most of which I have resolved but consequently I don't have much idea about healthy relationships.

Whilst Sarah and BF are here I feel I am on constant alert to listen to conversation between them and DP and also ashamedly - to continually complain to him about their behaviour. For example they stay in their room every night watching movies, they don't say good morning or night and don't appear to be that interested in him. Sarah tends to be really quiet and whispers instead of talks and replies to conversation is often just a 'yes', 'no' or 'stuff' - even if you ask open ended questions. Last night during dinner Sarah and BF were talking about taking B's mum out for a birthday meal and yet her Dad doesn't even get a card. He isn't bothered about this at all and of course its none of my business either but I have such difficulty containing my feelings. I don't say anything to them of course and I totally get they are kids still, having only just left Uni and that kids can be selfish, [I have 3 adult dc's of my own.] and that in the main they're just wanting a cheap holiday. Still it would actually be nice for them to offer to take us out for a meal, or if that's too much, to give a small thank you gift.

I find I am often raging inside but at the same time knowing this is completely ridiculous. I have times when I get a grip and everything is ok but it doesn't last long enough and I get so disappointed and then start to hate myself.

My DP isn't what you would call overly affectionate with anyone and is quite insular and self contained. He's not really keen to talk about feelings as he believes that it can just perpetuate and intensify it all. I do relate to this at times but sometimes my emotions seem to be too big. He has spent years meditating and sometimes I find his non reactivity bloody challenging - I guess he just doesn't understand what it feels like. We've been together 4 years and prior to this I had relationships with very dysfunctional/abusive men.

I also think part of the problem is that with Sarah and her Dad there are no rules, they always have complete freedom to do what they want/or not and for some reason I find this personally distressing and yet at the same time I get how wonderful this must be for her.

I know it's connected to jealousy/insecurity and over the years I have worked really hard on this but why, why, why can't I just let it all go?

He finds his own daughter boring??

Ooh- I couldn't be with him for that!

I do think the not saying good morning/good night is rude, but it sounds as if she treats her dad as he treats her.

Have you tried suggesting that you all do something together?

He sounds very boring himself. Can't be arsed to be a proper father, doesn't bother to visit his daughter. The duty is his, not hers and he should have been doing that from the get go.

You do sound a bit entitled with your expectation of a 'thank you' gift. Why on earth would you expect one? She is visiting her father, he's family. I'm sorry to say it but you are incidental and on the periphery to that visit and it's because of your own lack of father that you're projecting this on your partner's daughter.

If I were in your position I'd find other things to do rather than be listening in to conversations, they're really nothing to do with you and perhaps that's what you find hard?

I had a rotten father. He's still alive but I haven't seen him now for about 15 years. He wasn't present as a dad during my young years and now that he's looking around for family I'm not interested and never will be again. This is the future your partner is building, block by block.

I'm really sorry to hear of your difficult time with your own parents. The fact that your DF committed suicide must be something awful to carry, even if you hadn't had contact for a long time. I am just wondering whether your need for the daughter to somehow 'attend' to your partner is something to do with your own unresolved feelings with your father. I know you say you have resolved these issues but it seems to me you are reacting to something other than the present issue, something bigger and deeper.

Also, the fact he refers to his own daughter as 'boring' is very worrying. I would think anger at him and a feeling of empathy for her would be more expected yet you feel the daughter should provide emotionally for her father - why, when he doesn't sound as if he has provided emotionally for her?

I'm really sorry to hear about your childhood. It's not at all surprising that you are struggling with relationships now & have done in the past.

The truth of the matter is that you have found yourself another man who isn't great - as a partner or a Dad.

You've only been with him a few years, cut your losses and leave him. Make your own life, do some reading on healthy relationships, find out who you are, before you look at getting in another relationship 🌷

He sounds a dreadful excuse for a father, she's only 22 and had a sperm donor who isn't bothered in having much of a relationship, finds her boring and is happy not to interact. And his partner is jealous of this inadequate, warped and shrivelled thing of a connection between them.
I don't think even a free holiday would be enough to get me to try and connect with that.

So he is a shit dad and you are raging inside against a girl who doesnt deserve it?

*it's just the place I find myself in. [and of course that's where I put myself.]
That sounds like the sort of thing someone who meditates a lot would say to someone who has a problem and needs to talk it through.
Its easy to meditate a lot and be calm and centered when you have low level emotions and an easy life. Your DP does nothing to work on his relationship with you, or his daughter. I doubt she's boring, I bet she's learned to tiptoe around so as not to upset him.

Your emotions are not huge and out of control, they sound like perfectly normal emotions with nowhere to go.
Tell him you're going to get a big sloppy hairy dog that sheds everywhere and see how calm and centered he is then.

Why are you angry at her. She seems to be making an effort with a dad who doesn't bother.

Presumably she doesn't feel he warrants a card or being taken out for his birthday as he doesn't make the effort for her? They stay in their room as it's awkward. I feel for her as it happene

Hopefully this has helped you to get it all out, OP.

Just let it wash over you for one week a year.

She sounds similar to her father - and that might well be because she knows to behave around him in a way that he likes. Interestingly, you seem not to like this similar behaviour when it comes from the daughter rather than the father.

Could it be that you are actually really angry with your dh and want more in the way of emotion from him but know you're not going to get it?

Is he affectionate and appreciative of you? Are you the one doing the emotional work? Are you the one offering emotion all the time and he either accepts or rejects it?

That's really sad, that a Dad finds his own daughter boring. And never visits her. I feel for the daughter. And I'm a step mum.

For me that's the most important sentence in the whole story.

What on earth attracted you to someone who apparently doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself?

He couldn't be botherd to see his own child as he found them boring?
What a prize he is.
I would have been gone after he said that. Selfish doesn't come close. And you think his dd should be grateful to him? He is lucky she bothers to visit at all.

You really need to either find a man who actually has emotions and treats people with respect and consideration or stay single for a while. This man is as dysfunctional as any other you have known.

Sorry about your childhood but you are repeating history with a man who has no emotional connection to anyone.

Blimey he seems a catch.

Emotionally detached partner and a cold, uncaring partner.

OP what did you want at 22?

You had a challenging start in life, and are, I imagine still working out your own path. It's so much harder in the absence of good role models isn't it? I had a bumpy ride with toxic parents myself, but at 22 I was young and naive enough to hope they would turn into the people I wanted them to be.

Is it possible that "Sarah" visits, because she too still wants her Dad to be her ideal Dad? I suspect you can empathise with this.

I would concentrate on yourself during her visits. Go out, or spend time away. Bluntly, Their relationship will either work or it won't. But until they've worked it out, I think your role is somewhat peripheral.

Then take some time to think about what you wanted for you at 22 and talk it through with a counsellor. It's no wonder your feelings are all over the place, but try to locate them and name them. It might help you to get to why.

Was he an involved father when she was a child? Did he pay decent child maintenance?

If he hasn't ever really invested in her, why would she feel like taking him "thank you" gifts when she visits?

The daughter is not a "girl" she's a grown woman. The OP is not a stepmother, she is not remotely responsible for how her partner and his daughter behave towards each other. No one knows the circumstances of the break up.

OP, I honestly think the best thing for you to do is go on holiday at the time of the visit, and just stay out of it the rest of the time.

You have an idealised vision of family life which is understandable. In real life it's very common for people to be poor at communication and undemonstrative. And you are right, young adults can be very thoughtless about their behaviour which is irritating when they are staying with you.

However, she is making the effort to come so they do have something between them. Instead of going away why not try to gently encourage some better interaction? Do something together: ask her to help you bake a cake, go for a walk or shopping. Arrange a trip somewhere fun. Take some pics and start a group whatsapp.

She sounds as if she's shy or possibly just not socially graceful but not unpleasant. She's never going to be quite what you might wish for but she is your dp's dd so I would be making a huge effort to improve things. And, obviously encourage your dp to do the same.

Small steps.

i would absent myself for the first few days of her stay. give her a chance to be with her dad. then reappear for the last couple of days. i think they'll be happy to see you.

if your dp invested more time in his dd he would find her more interesting...

I think your emotions are the result of feeling frustrated that the visit is highlighting other stuff which pps have picked up on.

Yes it is weird to stay in someone's house and then go and watch movies in your bedroom. I would find it rude, if someone came to visit my house and behaved like this. Especially if I had tried to be a good host, tried to make them feel at home, cooked meals etc.

My mum was with her new partner when I was that age and I always made an effort to chat and make myself reasonably pleasant company (!). I'm not sure that I would have left a thank you gift but I would have thanked whoever was cooking every mealtime and would have tried to play my part in making the visit successful for all concerned.

So yes I can see why you feel on edge about it - there is something troubling here.

I'm assuming they have gone home now so no point making suggestions about that?

I certainly think its worth suggesting he goes to see her in a few months and makes an effort to show an interest in her life, or he'll end up not seeing her at all.

You are being unfair in expecting your stepdaughter to give your husband something she isn't getting from him. He doesn't bother to visit her and says she bores him when she does. Yet you expect her to come and make a much bigger effort with him, as well as be grateful to even be invited.

I think half the problem is where you live. Because it's what you describe as a 'holiday destination', you've got it into your head that you're treating Sarah to a lovely free holiday once a year. In actual fact, she's just visiting her dad - something he can't be arsed to do for her. She shouldn't feel any more 'grateful' for this week with him than she should for a week with him in Wolverhampton or Middlesbrough.

The advice that you should go away next time she visits is one of the worst pieces of advice I've ever seen on Mumsnet (and God knows it's got competition). Sarah feels enough of a disconnect from her dad as it is - if anything will make her feel even less welcome, it's her stepmother picking the one week of the year she visits to go away.

You're angry at the wrong person.

He doesn't bother ever visiting her because she's boring yet you think she is nowhere near grateful enough for being allowed to visit him once a year?

Seriously?

How long has he found his child boring? When exactly did he check out of being a dad to her? That's your answer to why she's not swimming with gratitude

Do you see yourself with this man for the long term? If so, maybe its worth you visiting her on your own - make an excuse to visit the UK to do something unrelated and make time for her. Find out what she likes doing. Maybe introduce her to your own kids if they are anywhere nearby?

Thank you for all these perspectives - it's giving me lots to think about and I agree with many posters.

He was single for many years, split from her mum when she was 18 months [mutual agreement - no OW or OM] and he had 50/50 care from then until she got older and wasn't so keen on visiting him. I think around 14 or so. He's had a few relationships but not lived with someone else until now.

I think if we lived anywhere other than here she wouldn't come at all but thats ok and again not really do with me - other than me doing more to make her feel welcome. I do appreciate pp pointing out that it is much more difficult for Sarah than for me and that I do need to put my feelings aside and be more understanding.

I have had counselling re my Dad and also EFT but I have got a bit lax about continuing the techniques.

At 22 I had a 6 year old DS and was a working single parent. I've also bought up 2 step children as well as my 3.

indigox your comment really resonated with me. Mostly though I am angry with myself for not being able to manage it better but also I am angry with him but perhaps don't feel allowed to be angry.

Thank you matildathecat. Makes complete sense.